Looking for a way out.

Jennifer - posted on 08/13/2012 ( 13 moms have responded )

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I have 2 girls 15 and 9 they both live with my boyfriend (of 4 years)and I. My youngest daughter is alot to handle at times and my boyrfriend has no patience for it. He is rude and will sometimes tell her to "Shut Up" he will walk out of a room when she is in it. He is verbally and mentally abusive to both me and my kids. Although he has never been physically abusive nor does he raise his voice or swear he very irrational. When he feels as though I am choosing my kids over him he will threaten to move or split the house down the middle pack boxes and move furniture - all while my kids are watching. We are currently in a rento to own home and have started renovations that will not be complete for a few months. How do I leave this relationship with my kids without having them witness another blow out? I need to save money to get another place but in the meantime my kids are being treated rudely and wondering what they have done wrong. I am so confused and have never felt more lost and helpless.

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Denise - posted on 08/17/2012

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Dear Jennifer,
I am so sorry for what you and your daughters are going through. No type of abuse of any nature is ok. It sounds like your BF has some emotional issues that need to be addressed by professionals. He should be expected to be a positive role model for your children. Telling one of them to "Shut Up" and arguing in front of them illustrates that he is not ready to be a parent, as patience and respect are vital in the task of parenting. You and your children should not have to bear witness to this disgusting behaviour. Your children as well as yourself will benefit overall from being in a healthy home environment without the hostilities, even if that means moving out and continuing to pay for the home you are sharing with him. At least until you two can sell it to someone else. Pretty houses do not necessarily yield a pretty family life. Good luck and keep your chin up.

Ellen - posted on 09/22/2012

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II am SO relieved u left this jerk!! I just read the other posts and couldn't agree more with the others. I was gonna tell u to take and go to a woman's shelter. Places like that can really help u too. I put up with a few monsters for 14 yrs. My picker was absolutely broke. I haven't had to experience such abuse for many years now, thank God. Be careful u don't hookup w/someone similar. Be cautious, I have been for the last 19yrs. Good Luck Honey!!!

Mary - posted on 09/14/2012

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Just saw this! I'm so happy for you. It feels like getting out of prison when you get out of a relationship like that, doesn't it? Good luck with everything!

Donni - posted on 09/11/2012

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Good job! I'm so impressed that you found the strength to do it! You are one strong mama, and your children will feel safer and will trust you to do the right thing now! Make sure you get some personal help (like counseling or group therapy) to help you identify what attracted you to him so that you don't repeat the choice. Best of luck! I am really, truly thrilled that this is the new beginning you needed!

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Bobbie - posted on 09/22/2012

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Good Luck! So glad you are moving forward with your life and focusing on your loved ones, the kids.

Regina - posted on 09/18/2012

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Thank God you left. I pray that God will send you a loving man who will be a good husband to you and father to your children for the rest of your natural lives together.

Mary - posted on 09/14/2012

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I've been in a similar situation a long time ago. Leave. It will be so much better for your kids. I will tell you what a friend told me, because I knew it would get ugly when I left. She said Wouldn't it be better to have one big blow-up and have it over with than to have them keep happening? That made sense to me and I was able to leave. Kids need to witness a loving relationship so that they can have loving relationships of their own. They will thank you for leaving!

Jennifer - posted on 09/11/2012

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Thank you everyone. We have left the house and have a restraining order against him. You have all given me the strength to leave. I thank you for saving me and my children.

Lynne - posted on 09/10/2012

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I am thankful that I never went through this, however I have been there for friends who have,

my advice to them was and remains he will not change but only get worse. having an escape plan for your kids as well as yourself is good however the best plan is leave now go to a shelter if you have to and DON'T go back or look back. you are protecting your most valuable posessions



your children and YOUR life. he hasn't gotten violent, yet, it is only time.. I will pray for you and your children that God will guide and protect you all.

Bobbie - posted on 08/29/2012

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Your choice and soon you make it will determine your children's self worth and your own in relationships to come. Remember that you are holding a mirror up to them as what a relationship is meant to be.

As far as getting out this is what I did. I took my kids to lunch. I told them that I was really sorry for the way that he acted. That he was a grown up and as a grown up he was responsible for his own actions. I told them that I was going to make it better for them and asked what could I do to make it better now. The kids told me simple things like not allowing him to hog the tv and just change their programs. (Out of the mouth of babes) I made note of all their wishes and added my own, having a clear plan forming. I called my sweet elderly neighbor, the one that didn't get into my business but always waved at my kids. I asked that my children could come to her and ring her bell if ever there were arguments until I could get them out of the situation? She was more than happy and said she would make sure she opened the door to them day or night. That was a load off my mind. I took the kids to her when he wasn't home so he wouldn't know where they where. The kids knew that I was on their side.. That from now on if he did anything mean to them and I wasn't around I wanted to know about it. If he started to yell or get out of control they were to stick together and leave out the door furthest from where he was standing and go to the neighbor. That very night I told him I was no longer sleeping with him and I slept with my kids. I told him it was over and we needed to figure out how we were both going to walk away. He was in shock. He tried to tell me he would change but I knew what my children had already been through. I held my ground even getting a slide lock for the inside of the children's bedroom door when he refused to leave me alone, begging me to come back to bed. He got the message after a full month of me avoiding and ignoring him. The kids never had to go to the neighbors because when he started I simply gathered them up and we left telling him I would be back only when he cooled down.

I can't say it was a great financial move but I found that having the strength to stand up to him and feeling whole again for the first time in a long time was worth the money lost.

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I would save the money take from the remodel and go find another place. Have the kids stay at friends houses for the weekend let the friends parents know

What is going on. And move the kids don't need that. And kids come first. Your are a mom and he need to realize it.

Donni - posted on 08/22/2012

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My mother was with someone exactly like that. Rude, explosive, irrational, and just plain mean. When she finally had enough and kicked him out, my and my sister's relationship with her got much closer. Why would you choose to spend your time with someone like that? How much in the 'good' category can there be to not only put up with treatment like that for yourself, but to also allow your children to be treated like that. How would you feel if their own boyfriends/husbands treated them like that? Would you think it was okay? It may not seem so clear cut because you love him, but it's better to be lonely than to live like that.

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