Losing an adult child

Jreicheg57 - posted on 07/24/2010 ( 298 moms have responded )

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My 29 year old son died about 6 weeks - how do you ever get beyond the pain of losing a child? My husband doesn't seem to need to talk about it anymore, and it's all I can think about.

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Denise - posted on 07/31/2012

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I also lost my 28 year old son 4 weeks ago. It feels like my heart was ripped out of my chest. I cry whenever I think of him not being here anymore. I try not to talk about it because it makes me cry and remember he's gone. Maybe your husband has the same reasons for not wanting to talk about it.

Jill - posted on 07/30/2010

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Dear Joan. My son Ken was killed by a thoughtless semi trailer driver who barrelled thru a stop sign. My precious son was about to turn 31. This is so fresh for you, being only weeks ago. First, I am so very sorry for your great loss. I believe you are probably still in a state of shock. Whatever little thing helps you to cope at this time, use it. I hope you are fortunate enough to have close family members and friends to help ease this terrrible burden of carrying the grief. Somehow, dear friend you will stumble through each day and you WILL survive this. As time goes by you will learn to live with it. You will never get over it, but life will get easier with time. I can tell you this becuause it has been 10 years for me. Other moms I know that have shared this traumatic blow, agree that child of yours will live in your thoughts each and every day. I promise you it will get bearable as you go along. As hard as it is to imagine, there will come a time down the road when you will laugh again, and even enjoy a normal life. You will think of sweet memories and how lucky you were to have had him. You will always be his mom. I send you my love and support. Jill Timleck. Lethbridge, AB Canada

Kathy - posted on 08/05/2012

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I am so sorry for your loss, I know you are probably tired of hearing people say that, but its because we don't know what else to say. And you never get over the pain of losing your child.You just take one day at a time. Maybe today you remember him and you cry and tomorrow you remember him and you smile. You see his favorite sweater and you smell him and you cry and then you remember him wearing it and doing something silly and you laugh . It is the most difficult time in your life. Your husband deals differently with his grief it doesn't mean that he Loved him any less , he just deals differently. It is just as difficult for him,give him time also. Find out if there is grief counseling in your area and join a group,other Moms who have lost a Loved one can help you. Remember there is nothing wrong asking for help.I hope you are doing well and continue to heal one day at a time..Much hope and Love for the future to you and your husband..

Brenda - posted on 02/08/2013

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Morning Girls; I really hear what your saying both of you about being on here, it does help... and also makes me sooo sad that there is so many of us! Also Linda I feel for you and the whole meduim thing, My husband and I have talked about it but want to be in a group session, with all the accesss that people have to just your name it doesn't take much for someone to at least get bits of your life history, and like you said if you fill in any blanks for them well, they can run with it.... Not to say I don't believe in signs and some meduims, but I think I believe more strongly in signs our children will give us ourselves or our loved ones, and we just have to be open to them, they will come from where and when you at least expect them or even why. I have only had 1 dream about a month after Jeff died, I knew he was dead in the dream, others were in the room knew also, but he walked in plopped himself on the couch as always, no one spoke, I sat beside him leaned down and hugged him, he spoke saying "down on hugs or what... "(something he has said in the past to me and others) I never said a thing and it was soooo real the hug, felt so good, the dream ended. The last thing I got to do was hug my son, he said he loved me kissed my cheek and was killed about 20 minutes later, we never got the news for over 1 1/2 hrs later. I believe in all my heart it was him telling me he was ok in heaven and I will be ok too someday! It doesn't take the pain away, but helps alittle. There has been many others in my family who have had little signs and one reading, will maybe talk about them in another post. But for now I just take it day by day, knowing that it's ok to have bad and good, a vicks vapour rub commerical made be cry last night, for I had a memory of Jeff covering his entire head in it once... lol he loved the smell, but was rarely ever sick. The Dr. did give me med's too, but like you Linda only took the day of the accident and a couple nights at bed, before service, and on the service day... havn't taken any more since, for the last thing I need is to become depended on med's. for I have had family go down that road. I too am from Canada Linda. Take care Ladies, your posts are my strength somedays.

Mita - posted on 02/08/2013

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Linda, am not sure if mediums are going to help us. First, they do it for a living. Then we really don't want to hear bad news a about our child. Who knows these people do a thorough research on what happened to the child, after all, everything is now retrievable from the internet. i personally do not believe in these quacks (sorry for my French). Sometimes people say things to make us feel better--and that you get from friends and family. I went to fortunetellers when i was in my 20s with friends just for fun. Some came true, some didn't. There are 8% people in the world who are paychics but only God really knows what is beyond our physical realm. The day my 23 yr old son passed away Nov 17, 2012, he told his 21 yr old brother that the body is just a vessel. Friends said he was glowing and really happy the week he was taken. He said that he is no longer in that body and that he is beyond it. He made me believe in life after death. Call it premonition but my 21yr old is so messed up he had to stop school and now says nothing really matters anymore bewcause the spirit is more important. . I am the same it seems. there is nothing worse than this tragedy though but i believe we will see our babies once again but that we have to beleive.

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Linda - posted on 02/08/2013

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Kimberly.. I to get lots of comfort on here..Guess you can say I feel some what normal when I come to this site..Reminds me that Im not the only one going through this....Breaks my heart...As far as meds go..my doctor said the same to me...but I only took then during the service..I know some days i need to take them but i don;t.....Oh and I live in Canada...Be sure to research your medium cause as you probably know there are so many fakes out there..A little advise...dont wear any jewerely cross your hands and always try to keep eye contact as much as possible..that way they can't read you..and try to keep your answers yes and no....Good luck and keep me posted

Kimberly - posted on 02/07/2013

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Linda,
Where do you live...im sorry i dont keep up on locations....i am also going to see a medium...i dont know how much they cost...but need some answers...i am sorry you are going through this...you are not alone...we are all in the same boat here...and believe me, its so comforting the words from the ladies on here...because we all know what one another are going through...i went to see a new doctor and he wants me to go on anti=depressants...not too sure of that...well good night...

Linda - posted on 02/07/2013

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Its been a while since i have been on here...guess i have been staying in my own bubble...I know it's not healthy but dammm is it hard..It's only been a month and half since i lost my daughter and it still hurts like it was yesterday...I don't even know what it is like to sleep...I have been to 2 different mediums and they were both right on...in fact i have become friends with one...and let me tell you every time we go for coffee I can't help but want more..But it seems like when she tells me things at the time Im happy but then the next few days BANG i hurt more and feel very confused...I ask myself "why are you doing this"... My answer is..I have no idea....So ladies realy think to yourself..is seeing a medium worth it...Perhaps it might help one of you...But I think it is messing me up..............My heart or should I say what is left of it goes out to each and evey one of you.xoxo

Christine - posted on 02/06/2013

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Laura,
My son and my Kirsten were also very close, exactly 2 years apart. My son misses his sister so much! I am glad the was out here with her when she passed away. He has had so many losses, and he is a liver transplant who also has been battling Lyme Disease for years.

Chris - posted on 02/06/2013

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hi all hope you all ok i lost this site i know we not ok but try to be it so hard am going to get a head stone soon that make me feel a littel better so then i go to see gavin more and talk to him there as been a few strange things at my mams as gavin live with my mam things have been move and i put them back then a few days later they been move a gain i know it my son gavin as i feel him there now x

Laura - posted on 02/06/2013

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Thanks for a shoulder! Went out the other night and split a pitcher of beer with my son. On our way home he burst into tears telling me how much he loved and missed Kirsten. We are one little broken family but still good! Sorrowful!

Brenda - posted on 02/06/2013

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Laura; that is such so sad and awful what you had to go through with your daughter, my stomach and heart wrenchs for you as I type.... that feeling of helplessness I understand alittle only because my son was killed instantly from what we have been told at his accident, I went to the hospital, but was frozen as I looked at him so still, he only had a slight mark on his head and a tooth bloody, asking him to wake up and tell me this was so of course was nothing, I never had the strength or power to kiss or hold him as my husband did, only touched him sligthly, they tell me it was the shock!! But now I wish I would have scooped him in my arms and rocked him once last time!! I relive this picture over and over in my mind. I don't know if anything helps but I try to tell myself that we can not go backwards and change the past..for God surely knows ever mother on here would, I am trying only to take one day at a time and not look or think about the anniversary of his death. And Kim never feel badly about writing on here on bad days for I hope that is what we are here for... is to help each other get through the bad days to get off our chest and hearts the words we can not speak to others.. I'm here to listen to anyone who wants to type or chat!! Take care! I'm not sure why any of us have to live this sad and hard life that has been delt to us but I hope someday I will have my answers. I know for now I will just help the people I can! Brenda O.

Kimberly - posted on 02/06/2013

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i am not looking forward to the first year marker....i have time i guess to try and prepare for that day..the holidays are bad enough........yes certain days or holidays arent my favorite..my friend passed on Valentines day a few years ago, then her mother passed on Valentines day 2012..(my daughters grandmom and great-grandmom which i loved both dearly as my own family)...then my daughter passed on her own birthday, she turned 26....i dont know, feeling very depressed today...stomach in knots and nausea...it comes and goes all the time...well im getting off here because i dont want to be a kimmy downer...lol..talk to you ladies when i feel a lil more upbeat

Laura - posted on 02/05/2013

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This month is just very difficult. It has been so has all along but I was not prepared for this crash.

Laura - posted on 02/05/2013

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February 19th 2012 is when our agony in the garden began. I made a late meal and my Kirsten aphyxsiated on a piece of meat. Tried disparately to Heimlich her while trying to dial 911. Late arrival of emt team who after too long a time revived her and I had to have her removed from a ventilator Feb 21 when she died in my arms again . I am having hysteria in the morning. Nothing helps. Maybe its the year marker. Uncertain, but this is the worst cause it is relentless pain and sorrow. One dream one night where everything was white. I was chasing after her down long hall and she turns right to go through a passage and looks towards me and says I love you and then gone! Nothing more! What a life to live!

Chris - posted on 02/05/2013

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hi kimberly no i did not take it the wronge way and yes your right we feel it more as like you said we carried them hope your ok and every one else on here pity we all live so far a part x

Marisol - posted on 02/05/2013

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hi, christine for sure mothers will live an agony,I lve in fort erie ontario how about you? I would like to talk to you in the near future take care.

Kimberly - posted on 02/05/2013

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im not saying men dont hurt when their child passes, im saying i think the mourning process we go through is different....i think us women feel it more because we are the one that carried them and gave them life...not to bash men...sorry if anyone took it that way...we all love our children the same...

Phyllis Lorraine - posted on 02/04/2013

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So true, no one can even imagne the endless pain & longing, the if I only hads, my boy has been gone 13 months & it is still the same, in some ways worse, I don't want to even forget one second of our time together in this life. God be with us all, we walk the hardest road this life can give!

Brenda - posted on 02/04/2013

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Afternoon girls, it breaks my heart to know that some of you don't have the support system at home to help you cope with the death of your child, because I don't know what I would do without my husband and best friend, we both lost our child and even though we don't feel or respond some days or may react differently to things that make us cry harder or make one or the other of us have a really bad day, I know my husband greives and feels the loss of our son as much as I do!! Besides my own pain I thought my heart broke again when at the end of our son's service my husband carried his urn out of the church telling me he had to bring our son home, his heart was in a million peaces the same as mine, and I had a son before we married and he is ever bit his son, he had his arms wrapped so tightly around his dad, trying to support him as we walked out of the church and I had to hold up our daughter who is only 13... I really don't think any two people grieve the same, and I don't think one is right or wrong...just listen to each other and support each other, and Thank God we do have this site to talk and feel not alone! Take care

Chris - posted on 02/04/2013

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kimberly i was not having a go at all men but i got know one there for me i know there a lot of dad who will under stand and they feel the lose but you got some like the bloke am with who is not my kids dad he dont understand my hurt till it happen to him am sorry if i put it wronge on here xxxxxxx

Kimberly - posted on 02/04/2013

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Chris Hirst,
I want to start off by saying, men and women are made to feel different emotions...just the way life is...it stinks but.... my husband is not the father of my 3 children...but he is there for them..he has been there since MY grandson was born, so he is the pop pop....but when it comes to the father role, well....now with saying that, i truly dont think a man could ever love the way a woman loves, no matter how hard they try...they dont have it in them...so when us women get pregnant, our love grows to an extreme, thats when the unconditional love comes in to play...dont be upset with anyone who tell you to move on, or get over it...that is their ignorance, not their faults...they obviously NEVER had a love like you or i or the other women on here that lost a child... just pray for the strength you need to survive the next day...my heart out to all the women on here...

Marisol - posted on 02/04/2013

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hi, my name is maria can you please tell me the name of the medium you are looking into
thanks

Chris - posted on 02/03/2013

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Hi kimberly and every one why dont some men understand the loss we go through losing a son or daughter it does get me upset as him who i seeing says get over it i wish it was that easy i never get over it am in tears now as he just so i was on this site and had a go at me i told him lose one of your own then he know how it feels he never been there for me any way be back on later got to go and do my mams breakfast x

Christine - posted on 02/03/2013

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Marisol,
All I can say is that we mothers are all in this agony together. So sorry for your loss. The pain stays forever, but it does lesson it over time.

Marisol - posted on 02/03/2013

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hi, my name is maria and I lost my son 30 years old in april 28 2012 since that day my life had change,I felt that part of my body had die too is desvastated losing a child is the most painful event in the family is the worst nightmare I have to continue on life because somebody has to paid the bills you can not continue without work and you have to try to move on there is not other choice
is any one that can help coping with the pain thank you very much
the husbands are not maternal at all.

Christine - posted on 02/03/2013

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Chris,
I'm sure your mother had a great time! I know it is hard for her well as you, but bless you doing it.

Chris - posted on 02/03/2013

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That my mams birthday party over with for her 90 th gavin my son who past a way live with my mam she love him more then any one so i try to cheer her up with a party i know it going to be hard on the 24 feb as it gavin birthday i go to his grave side and talk to him and get some nice flowers my mam thinks i talking to my self when i go in my mams other room but i talk to gavin photo hope your all coping i know it hard take care all x

Kimberly - posted on 02/02/2013

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i think a medium is a great idea...i am looking into one also....i am actually looking into three different ones that people told me about...

Laura - posted on 02/02/2013

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The crying everyday at a drop of a pin for me is the craziness! I think of Kirsten during Mass a lot. Then cry in church and feel like I need it to stop.

Chris - posted on 02/01/2013

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hi linda hope your ok and every one on here i all so want to go and see a medium but a lot of people thinks it a waste of money but i beleve in it all i need to know how my son is and that he ok x

Linda - posted on 01/30/2013

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Hi everyone..I have not been on for a few day's or so.....Feeling really down today..my tears just won't stop...Iam missing my daughter so very much...Not sure on how any of you feel about this, but I went to see a medium a couple of days ago..sheis very carefull on who she does readings on because all her life she has been called crazy because of her gift..in fact she even lost her family, they too thought she was crazy...The only reason why she had done the reading on me was because my sister knew her...Let me tell you she nailed a lot..only things I would know.....But now that I have seen her 2 times..I want more so badly..I want more signs from my daughter..I think it's driving me crazy......Im very confused

Brenda - posted on 01/30/2013

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Thanks so much gals, it is hard to still find positives for me even with all we do! But it does help, We still have his FB page too,but because we have this beautiful memorial page, I want his regular page removed? His sister isn't ready yet, we have saved all the information off it. And within time I will request it to me taken off. I did my mom's after about 6 months, it was good to see all the post at first but then it just felt weird cause she couldn't respond. I actually write my own personal feeling and talking to Jeff in a note book! Something's just don't want public, as I am sure you all feel. Just sitting in his room talking to him out loud, when no one home is also good, I usually break down hard,but need that too somedays. I hope your day is kind to you and peace is with you all. Take care!

Laura - posted on 01/30/2013

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Thanks Brenda! I need to discover some positive outlets for me! Sounds like you have them. We kept kirsten's Facebook site up. We message her there. I never know what helps. It all hurts some days. Ah well!

Christine - posted on 01/29/2013

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Brenda,
I finally found it, how lovely for you to have that! And I admire, as well, what you are doing in his name.

Brenda - posted on 01/29/2013

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In your search at the top of your page type in "In Loving Memory of Jeffery James Olson" his name should pop up, click on it, I'm sure that is all it takes or I can try and find your name and invite you! And that is so awsome what you do!!! We are raising money as you might have read above to upgrade and repair his favorite out door arena (skate rink)!!! Let me know if find it! Thanks for caring!!

Christine - posted on 01/29/2013

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Brenda, can tell me how to find your son's site? What I do, in memory of my daughter, is to pruchase food staples. Mac and cheese, soups, tun, canned veggies, p.b., etc. , whatever I find on a good sale. When my big box is full I donate a carload a local food bank in her name.

Brenda - posted on 01/29/2013

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Yes Laura all the first have already been sooo hard!!! and yes Face Book it a good place if they friends and family who understand!! My older son created a memorial site for Jeff which is soooo awsome! If anyone wants to see it is under In Loving Memory of Jeffery James Olson, it helps our family, his friends etc. it gives them a place to leave messages, pay tribute etc. I honestly can't believe the out pour of kindness and friendship we have read on his site!! It's hard to look at pictures some days but the next can't stop... Jeff was a guy who touched so many lives more than we ever realized... I try to find comfort in that and our memories. I wish everyone the best and if you ever want to chat join my circle!! I thank you all for sharing!! Brenda

Christine - posted on 01/29/2013

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Broken Heart,
I am so sorry, I know how hard that is on those left behind! My son's childhood sweetheart took her life at 19, in her college dorm. It was 11 months after my first husband died. SO hard.

Broken - posted on 01/29/2013

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hello its Karen um my son 22years old he took his own life and i dont know way he was my life how are i hope to god better then me

Laura - posted on 01/29/2013

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And, it is not just her birthday that is difficult. It each and everyone of her siblings. My youngest daughter Brianne just celebrated her 23 birthday and first without her sister Kir, her best friend. I had no way to console her as she was venting her sorrow on facebook. If nothing else, facebook is a great blackboard.

Chris - posted on 01/28/2013

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that is a loveley name laura am back at my mams to day so i can not get on here as cant do it on my phone but will be back on later or to morrow hope every getting there i know it so hard thinking of you all x

Laura - posted on 01/28/2013

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First birthdays are terribly hard. For me, her first birthday after her leaving was 3 months later. I left town with a different daughter. I just could not face it here. We did a 30th birthday toast conference style with a few of my children who went to the buriel site and Sarah and me, who had flown to Naples, Florida. (A trip that I was suppose to take with Kirsten). I think it is important to find some joy in celebrating their birthdays. After all, we brought them into this world on that day. Hugs to all!

Chris - posted on 01/28/2013

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HI laura it is hard and we just cant get over losing a child i cry every day for my son it so hard but coming on here as help a littel x

Chris - posted on 01/28/2013

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hi kimberly hope your ok darl could not find you on fb it is so hard just hope your ok it my sons birthday soon and it first birthday with out him xxxxxxxxxx

Christine - posted on 01/28/2013

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Oh, Laura,
My daughter was also named Kirsten! She died over 5 years ago, she was 41.

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