Loss of a child

Betty - posted on 12/20/2009

i wish i had a word or something that i can say to take some of the pain away but there isnt any.. when we loose a child special when they were older.. my son died Jan of 2009. he was 27 years old.. i have ok days and somedays i just am empty..i have three other children..i am strong around my other kids but they have no ideal how much pain and numb i really am.. this Christmas i could put up the norm tree we always put up. i didnt want to but my grand child expect it so i did a small tree but didnt hang the decoration that i did last year .. my brother bought me a little boy angel to hang on the tree.. i know he did it out of love but i cried later that night.. i miss my son so much.. we were alot alike he was fun to be around.. i touch his picture that hangs on the wall alot. i talk to him somedays. it will be a year this jan.. i dont know how i cope somedays.. i have a hard time getting out in our little town ppl look at me and want to hug me.. i know they mean well but i bite the inside of my mouth to hold my tears back.. i found myself staying away from ppl alot of the times.. i lost my mom when i was preg with my first child.. month before my son died my dad died in the hospital as i held his hand and a few month before that my husband had a affair and his new gf stock me for awhile.. i dont know how i cant handle anything more. i believe in God but sorta really pisst off at him right now..i am 49 years old and i have handle alot but losing my son was the worst thing...i enjoy my children and my grandchildren but i know i have change .. my kids are close to me and i trying to be strong.. i wish i had a mircle word or sentence i can say to help all mothers who have lost a child.. but i do know i do understand how and what you are going through so your not alone.. a friend told me "things happen for a reason we may not understand why or what the reason is... i know one thing is .. i am a strong women and i love my son and one day i will hold him in my arms again.. right now i believe my mother is holding him until i can..our sons knew we loved them with all of our hearts and they know we are very sad and missing them.. so i try to smile for him..we always listen to music "nickleback"cd .. before he died he put new speakers and a amp in my car .. he always drove my car and a few weeks after he died i had to get away from everyone so i jump in my car and down the highway i went i turned the radio on and pop in the cd .. i didnt know he put speakers in my car .. i had to pull off the road i broke down.. then i smiles and started to laugh cuz i knew he was giggling at me saying now mom you can jam in your car ..i love you .. so when i drive my car now and listen to the speakers i crank my radio up and smile to my son..yes someday i cry for him cuz i miss him so badly but i know he wouldnt want me to be sad so i smile for him.. i touch his picture and say today wil be ok babe i miss you.. my sons laughter was soooo catching ..he was awesome and so much fun to be around.. so all i can say is smile and tell your son you miss him and remember he will always be with you wanting you to smile and laff ... i know somedays it is soooo hard to .. i know when i have my bad days i feel him with me wanting me to be ok... i hug you tight and your not alone .. our sons are watchin us .. smile.. it is ok they love us as much as we love them... i hope this has help you some but i know words dont take the pain and numbness away.

GWEN - posted on 12/10/2009

Thanks for the words of encouragement Rene'e, and you too also have my condolences, we must lift each other in PRAYER!!! My grandkids other grandmother just let us see them on my birthday this year "July 4th" and hopefully the LORD will bless me to be able to get them gifts and spend at least some of these holidays with them, my son's boys are my only grandsons, I have 1 son left and he's 14yrs, and boy! do I watch him!! GOD BLESS EACH OF YOU!!! "Gwen"

Rene'e - posted on 12/10/2009

I forgot to add that counseling has been a great help to express feelings that others may not want to hear or do not know how to respond to. You can be you without expectations.

Rene'e - posted on 12/10/2009

Sorry to hear about your loss. I loss my yougest daughter on August 2007. She had 2 girls, whom I am now raising. It has been very hard but the pain is not every minute of every day now, but it is still there. She was my best friend and woven into every facet of my life. The girl had and still having a rough time. We just try to comfort each other and look at old movies of her which helps at times. People forget that you are still hurting and expect you to be over it. They do not realize that you never really get over "it". Much love to you and lots of prayer!

Tammy - posted on 12/09/2009

Seek professional help if you can or a group in your area with people to talk to. Children aren't supposed to die before their parents and it is so hard to deal with. The closest I have come was a etopic pregnancy but I have a good friend that is still trying to deal with loosing her 4 month old son to SIDs and her marriage as also ended over the grief of thier baby. I think Facebook even has a group you may be able to get some good advice from. Keep your head up and live, that is what your son would want you to do. Hugs.

GWEN - posted on 12/09/2009

YOU'RE NOT ALONE!! MY OLDEST SON WAS MURDERED IN HIS HOME 11/26/2007, HE WAS 27YRS OLD, HE HAS 3 CHILDREN BY 1 female, AND SHE HAD HIM KILLED, EVERYONE (4 PERPETRATORS) WERE CAUGHT AND 2 OF THEM (THE ACTUAL SHOOTERS, which are males) WERE CONVICTED IN OCTOBER 2009, THE OTHER 2 ARE HIS KIDS MOM AND HER FEMALE COUSIN, THEIR TRIAL IS SCHEDULED IN MARCH 2010, I'LL ALWAYS MISS HIM, BUT "PRAYER" HAS BEEN THE KEY FOR ME AND MY OTHER CHILDREN, WE LOVED HIM, BUT GOD LOVED HIM MORE, MY SON'S JOB HERE ON EARTH WAS DONE AND GOD CALLED HIM HOME, THAT'S THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES SENSE - SO HOLD YOUR HEAD UP AND HANG ON TO THE "GOOD TIMES YOU HAD WITH HIM", I KNOW I'LL NEVER LET GO OF MY SON "JERRELL SIMMONS - R.I.P. DOB/DOD 2/19/1980 ~ 11/26/2007" I THANK GOD EVERYDAY FOR GIVING ME THE STRENGTH, ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS ASK!!

Judith - posted on 12/04/2009

Hiya - Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss and my brother died when he was 6 years old back in 1974 - my mother was coming back from Ireland on the ferry when he died and my loss was a stillbirth 15 years ago and it still hurts - its just a matter of taking 1day at a time and if possible try and get some councilling from either your doctor or the samaritans - they were really good and very easy to talk to - they really do listen and dont interrupt - they let you do all the talking. I hope this helps you and any time you want to chat just look me up - Take care judith xx

Marian - posted on 12/04/2009

So sorry to here about your lose. I lost my father April 2008. It is still very hard. just have to take one day at a time everything will be ok.

Janice - posted on 12/04/2009

I feel deeply for all of you on here who have lost a child or grandchild. I hve not had this experience but I have lost my brother. He was the only one in the world who could truthfully say he knew me. We grew up in an abusive household and we were each others rock!! He has been gone almost 14 years now and i still think of him and miss him everyday!! I can't imagine losing a child!! It makes me cry just to think of a world without my kids in it. Please try to take it slowly and don't set yourself a time limit for your grief. You life is changed forever and now all you can do is honor your boy by looking after yourself and your loved ones. You are a strong person I can feel it in your post I know that you can do it and so does he!! He is watching and if you concentrate you will hear his words of encouragment good luck!

Robin - posted on 12/03/2009

Yes, I lost my daughter to cancer when she was only 16 and had to watch her battle with it for 4 yrs. on and off again. It was very hard on me but even harder on her little brother who adored her and was only 2 yrs. younger than her. He was mad at me, the doctors, God and everybody for about a year because he thought we were doing everything the right way and she was supposed to live. I was told early on that it gets easier with time, but I hate to break it to you ....it doesn't! I miss her so much!! And I think the pain gets worse with every passing day. Nobody understands this kind of pain unless they've experienced something like this too. I'm sorry for your loss and I wish there was something I could do to bring them both back to us!

Karen - posted on 12/03/2009

Hi CIndy, I send you my deepest sympathy for the loss of your son, because I too lost my youngest son, 29, to a house fire. To be honest I'm still trying to figure out how I really feel. I know I feel a lost of part of me. I miss y son so much however I know he is in a better place. And that would be one of my advices. Another, if you do work, go back. I think that that has helped me quite a bit.I'm also getting counseling. Turn to your friends and family, they do want to help you. I'm still mourning and you will too, for a very long time, but that's okay. Just remeber your son is in a very special place and he's at peace with God.

Christine - posted on 12/03/2009

http://www.circleofmoms.com/thread_reply...
I lost my son in 1997. He was 5 1/2 year olds. At first its really really hard and you mad at the world and everyone around you. Found out that if you keep busy and keep your mind on something else it dont hurt so bad. When a song pops up on the radio and it reminds you of him turn it up and yell up there and say i know, i know. My son had neurological disorders and never spoke but two words i his whole life he had 32 seizures when he was 2 years old and escaped death but this time he could not. So I try still everyday to live day by day still and the holidays i try to deck it up alittle more for him and my family. Hes still in my heart and always will.

Dave - posted on 12/03/2009

Hi,
I can't even pretend to know how yoy feel cause ever evey dsayyone is d ifferent, but I lost my daughtrr to Pompes disease in Aug.For me it is devastating, it seems to consune my life to the point where I think of nothing else. I'ts so hard and I am struggling

Tammy - posted on 12/02/2009

I lost my dght last yr, she was almost 23 and was murdered by her hsb who then killed himself. I walked in and found them both dead. The only way I have been able to cope is thru faith in my God and I have to be there for the young child left behind by a fathers selfish choice.

Cindy - posted on 12/02/2009

Cyndi ,,, I am so sorry,, yes my close friend lost her son 18yrs old , It was the 1yr anniversary,, She said the missing is so hard , I talk and text her daily,, I believe it is real important to talk about your child,, remember and share him , People want to know about him. Can you tell me something about your son? what is his name? You can write to me any time

Tammy - posted on 12/02/2009

I could not imagine how you must feel. I have 5 children and I couldn't imagine life without any of them. May God bless you and give you peace and understanding. my prayers to you

Diana - posted on 12/01/2009

i lost one of my twins at the age of 21 next will be 11 years on the exact day that he die best things i can say keep your head up no words can really bring that comfort at the moment if you feel like crying go right ahead get it out i wish i could say the pain get lesser and do alittle but he'll always remain your bestfriend

Laurie - posted on 11/30/2009

I lost my son not to death but to a greater evil called his father, his dad couldnt take that i had all 3 of our kids so he made up all lies and saying that i was a bitch and all because I decided to pack up the kids one day and leave an abusive relationship, he used to beat the kids with his fists feet sticks, whatever he could find, now hes superdad, its so hard knowing he there but i have no contact with my first born, i love him with all my heart but cant tell him becuz he doesnt believe me :(

Toni - posted on 11/30/2009

Hi, I never lost a child of mine but my grandson died when he was four days old in 2005. His was do to a hospital mistake but I found www.missfoundation.org. They are terrific and was my saving grace. They are there for all member of the family. They never say stupid things like get over it. I would suggest you try them out as well. I feel the pain of my grandson everyday. His pictures hang in my house along with his little brothers. My heart and prayers are with you. Time may make it easier but you will always feel grief for your beloved son. Time does not heal all wounds. My conversations with God has helped and knowing he is with my father makes me feel a little better. Never be ashamed of your grief and talk of your son often. That is what helps me as well. Talk about him because he was here no matter how short or long of time.

Rayna - posted on 11/29/2009

I know there was an earlier posting about Compassionate Friends, and I just want to reiterate what a great organization that is. They are specifically for parents who have lost a child, whether through a miscarriage or an adult child. They were my savior when my 6yo son died in a car accident 14 years ago.

Amy - posted on 11/29/2009

I am so very sorry for all of you losing your children. My heart aches for you. I have an 8 year old boy. He is an only child and the love of my life. My prayers and thoughts goes out to you all. May the Lord Jesus wrap his loving arms around all of you and your husbands. That has to be the worst feeling ever. I am sitting here crying for all of you. I am here to listen if you need to vent. Always remember Jesus loves you and so do I. I had a miscarriage With my first pregnancy and only 1 and a half months pregnant. I had a rough time with that I can not emangine raising them and losing them how awful. Just wanted to let you know I am here for you. I really enjoy circle of Moms. We are all here for each other no matter what the situation. God bless you all.

Cassandra - posted on 11/29/2009

So sorry to hear about your lost; take it one day at a time.

Joy - posted on 11/29/2009

Cyndi, so sorry for your loss. OUr Special son went into the Hospital the day after Thanksgiving 2003 just shy of his 14th birthday. He spent his first day in heaven on the 18th of December when we made the most difficult decision of our life - to take him off life support. As I talk to others, they assure me that you never truly get over the death of your child. However, my faith gets me through. It was especially hard because my Jake was basically an infant all his life, but such a blessing & I can't wait till the day I see him again and he is able to actually run to me & say Mommy. I pray that you will have comfort during the Holiday season especially.

EVELYN - posted on 11/29/2009

i lost my daughter when she was 4yrs old she fall out of a 5th story building and she was born in march of 87 and it took 3 days to come out of me and it took her 3 days to pass. so yes i know what you are going through cause losing a child is more worst then losing a friend ,praying help and if you what go for counseling.. i been through alot in my life but i know that her , my mom, and dad is watching over me and keeping me safe.

Deedra - posted on 11/29/2009

let god be your rock your strength there are know sorrows that heaven cannot cure.you can lean on many but the pain your going though only god can fix. open your heart let him he will ease the pain. trust me it will get better .

Sandra - posted on 11/29/2009

Hi! Kellye,
I read your message, were you asking Cyndi where she is from or me. Its good that we can share our feelings of our loved ones and hope it helps others to have that faith to carry on.

Cindy - posted on 11/28/2009

Hi Cyndi, Yes, I lost my son too. He was just shy of his 21st birthday and he died 6/14/2001. He was in a single car accident, drove off the road passed out at the wheel and hit a pine tree broad side (driver's door) at 55 mph. He was killed instantly. Fortunately, no one else was involved in the accident. He had been drinking and passed out a mile short from his home (his dad's house). I have found some help through Compassionate Friends (I see someone else mentioned this source for herlp). It did really help me in the first few months/year following his death. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty - grief is a very personal and individual thing to experience. Those around you may feel awkward because they don't know the best thing to say or do. Being around people who have experienced this is helpful and much more comforting - they truly understand what you are feeling as only they can! Matthew died 7 years ago and it still hurts, it's still sad when the anniversaries/birthdays come along. But it does get a little easier with some time passing. Hang on to the happy memories. You will find ways to feel his presence much closer to you; an ornament at a holiday; a statuary item in the garden; a plant; a picture; whatever. It seems so senseless at times, but I thank God that he was a part of my life for 20 years he was with me. I learned many people lost children at much younger ages than Matthew. You will be in my prayers. Cindy

Kellye - posted on 11/28/2009

i can help you a little but you have to help me too. i lost robert at age of 22 last year, and no it does not get any better. i cry everyday. he was my world. i have tried different groups but it does not seem to help, everyone says give it time, ok time i have given, one day i am good the next forget it i am a lost cause. but i am here to try my best to help you. where are you from?

Sandra - posted on 11/28/2009

Dear Cindi,
Yes I am also a mum of three and I lost my eldest son who was 20 years old just missed his 21st birthday he died on the 17th January, 2006. He was my rock and gave me strength every time I was low. I miss him every day of my life. It affected my husband tremendously, he has never been the same, had three heart attacks and he still goes to the cemetery everyday. My other son and daughter deal with it in different ways. As for me, I have a lot of faith in God and put all my trust in him. So much has happened since my son passed away. You may not believe this but he has appeared to all of us in the family as well as his closest friend. I was very down and crying for him. I spoke to him and said to him. 'Son if you are okay come to me and tell me' and while crying I fell off to sleep. I woke up to see him floating above my bed and reaching our to me and I touched his finder and said 'Its still soft' and he said to me 'Im alright' and he turned around and disappeared and then I woke my husband up and told him what happened. A month later on the 17th February, 06 we were in our friends place as they said not to stay at home and to come over. In their kitchen on the dinning table were two candles that were lit to take the smokers fumes away. On the side where my husband was sitting he noticed the candle had burned down with the wick at the bottom but the shape of the candle turned in a shape of a bird or dove and he called me to see it and straight away my friends and me took pictures of it. she still has the candle in her showcase. mind you the other candle burned down straight to the bottom.
Now if you have faith in God, that is a saying that he is happy and in peace in heaven. I like talking about him all the time and don't mind my friends and people asking me about him and how he died. I thank the Lord that even thought he was epileptic and had taken a year off from University to work he carried on doing the normal things any young man would do. He died at home in his bed, where I found him when I went to wake him up for work. this was the hardest thing any mum can go though. it haunts me all the time and I know how you feel, but be strong and pray for him to rest in peace and ask God to give you the strength to carry on for the rest of your family. As mums we are the one to be strong and keep the family going, So Cyndi I will burn a candle for you today after writing this to you and will for for your son' s soul to rest in peace, and for you too that God gives you the strength to fight every day as it comes. I do that and find it a little easier to cope with. May God bless you always.

Kitty - posted on 11/28/2009

Yes, I lost my oldest son, almost 8 years ago. He was 24. We still miss him but have made a conscious decision not to mourn his death but to celeberate his life. We still grieve but talk about him like he's just in another room. There's so much I could say but that would take all day. Allow yourself to grieve and cry and then try to remember the good times. That's what honors them--being remembered for who they were.

Christine - posted on 11/28/2009

You have received great support and advise I would like to become your friend on F/B to continue the support when you need it. Our beautiful baby boy of 21 days died of SIDS in 2006. Then 17 mos later his older brother 2 1/2 years old was killed by a hit and run. At this time I couldn't believe that God could take both one day I was driving down the street these words came to my mind It's so sad for me but not for the boys! I know it was God telling me this I wasn't thinking of anything at the time (you know just numb) I had a hard time because the boys knew no such spirit in heaven at the time then my husband died of Cancer last year now their not alone I feel I haven't lost them I know right where they are in heaven! One second one minute one day at a time. Grieve honey then get busy on a project for him that special man of yours. Live for him he may see it all I believe mine does a warm feeling, imagine a smile on their face at what and how I'm doing. God be with you and yours!

Debra - posted on 11/28/2009

Hi Cyndi,
I have lost a daughter when she was an infant and I have a friend who lost an adult child. Know that grief takes time and each person grieves differently. Don't let those who say you should be over it make you feel that you are wrong to still be grieving. Having somewhere to talk where no one is judgmental is a great thing...be it a friend, someone from your church, or a grief group (there a lot of different ones based on the cause of death), I found Compassionate Friends to be a great source of support. I found that as time went on I was able to do and see things that reminded me of my daughter without being consumed by grief. I also have a strong faith belief and my pastor and members of the congregation were very helpful.

Mary - posted on 11/27/2009

Hi Cyndi. I am so sorry to hear of your loss! I lost my oldest child/daughter on Feb. 2, 2003. She was 24. I found great comfort in reading my bible and talking to God. My family as well as my church family were also a great comfort to me. Also, some people may be shy about talking about your son to you, encourage them by talking to them about him. They tend to think it will bother you, but I found talking about her really made me feel close to her. It has been almost 7 years now, and I will admit, there are still days I cry for her, but the Lord has been good to me and helped me through it. See if there is a support group at a local church. Sharing with others is also helpful. It is okay to miss them, but you must also keep yourself busy. I am fortunate enough to have her son living with me since her death. But seriously, the best thing I did that helped more than anything, was to draw closer to God. He is an amazing comfort if you will let him be. Just talk to him, tell him how you feel... he understands and cares. I would never have survived Amy's death if I hadn't had him in my life. And like Lisa said, take it one day at a time. God Bless. I will be praying for you.

Cyndi - posted on 11/27/2009

He was a very loving person. was engaged to a wonderful girl who to this day refered to him as a mamas boy he loved poetry and wrote on called My Mom. He seen good in people of all races he treated everyone with respect the world suffered a GREAT loss I sleep in his room my pain is never ending and I feel for you Lisa I too am Sorry for your loss we wrap ourselves around our children and letting go isnt an option.


One smile for all,
One heart of Gold,
One of the best this world could hold,
Never selfish,
Always kind,
What a beautiful memory to leave behind.

Lisa - posted on 11/27/2009

i am so sorry . just take it one day at a time i do, i lost my son to he was my live