Lost the love of my life because he did not get on with my son.

Kim - posted on 12/20/2009 ( 6 moms have responded )

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The man i fell in love with, who loves me and wanted to marry me decided to end the relationship as he could not deal with my sons teenage behaviour. He felt his feelings of dislike towards my son would put serious strain on our relationship and the people close to us. Instead of working through the behaviour of a teenager, being there for him and supporting him he felt his unhappiness in the situation would make me unhappy, affect the family and ultimately affect our relationship. He believes i am the woman for him but cannot go into the next step of our relationship which is marrige because he cannot accept my son and he believes that his feelings will get worse with time if he does not step away now. Which is what he has done. My son is a good scholar and sports person, he is an extravert. His teenage behaviour that is a challenge to my 'ex' right is laziness, refusing to do chores, playing his video games, play station and not wanting to do things around trhe house. His attitude towards me and his sister 'sucks' at times as he can be very rude, not a behaviour he has had before, it has oinly been for the past year since his 13th birthday. Adolesence i understand and something he will outgrow with time, finding his character and building a personality.

My 'ex' never shared anything about how he felt for months, he said he was struggeling with how his feelings would affect me and sat back as the silent observer in the hope that my son would change. Then when i told him that they were breaking my heart and we needed to deal with whatever they were going through as it will affect our future he finally agreed to talk and we did so a week later when i was at his place after church. He firmly believed that he could not get past his feelings and that it was not his job to guide and support my son, that was his fathers job. He says he loves me very much and that this decision was hard for him, he may look back one day and realise he made the biggest mistake of his life or that he did what was right for both of us.
He wants to close that chapter of our lives and wants to start a new chapter together. He wants to be friends as we have been through a lot and does not want to say goodbye or loose our friendship. His family and friends also love me and want me in their lives and dont necessarily understand his decision either.
It hurts real bad to be stuck in between the two men in my life that i love so very much (although my 'ex' is no longer involved with me). I cannot understand how he can love me so much and not be prepared to work through this period in my son's life. I am struggeling with much pain and the loss of this man that i love. He and his family wanted me to still join them for the Christmas going away plans we had arranged. This i cant do, it still hurts too much and being with them will make the hurt more painful (if that makes sense?), especially seeing my ex and the family i would have had.
My questions to those of you that may have expereinced something like this in your lives before is how do you get past the pain? Can i be friends with someone who i love and every time i look at him be reminded that it will never be? I dont necessarily want to loose him as a friend either but i am not sure my heart will survive. I know i need to sit down and talk to him face to face again, since our last chat which involved the breakup, and my feelings of how can you do this to me? How can you not want to work through your feeliongs with my son? why? why?and share my feelings of disappointment and the possible way foward. I am scared i wont be able to control my emotions and wont say what i need to without making him think he is a bad person, which he is not but still i cannot understand how he can walk away and he knows i dont understand but wants me to love him and respect him enough to accept his decision. He is leaving it up to me from a time perspective to chat about the new chapter in our lives and i am unsure what to do. Please can anyone help with guidence, previous expereince and recommendations?

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6 Comments

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Dayna - posted on 12/31/2011

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Kim, I can understand your frustration. I say it may have been for the best,the turmoil everyone has been through needs to get on a better footing. I have been in your situation and it was draining. Responsible and mature people shouldn't have to choose between husband/wife over children. Children always come first. I hope all has worked out well and you found your answers.

Amy - posted on 12/25/2011

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Kim, I cant help but wonder how things worked out. If you get this message I am sure there are readers who would benefit from hearing the rest of your story. I hope it workec out for the best in the end.

Julie - posted on 12/24/2009

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I deal with this issue regularly. I have a 16 yr old girl from another relationship, and a 2 year old with this relationship.
Blended families have a 65% failure rate and it is mostly attributed to the children of one not getting on well with the other adult. My dd is hormonal, emotional, sarcastic, yada yada yada...typical of girls her age.
I don't like it, but I know HER and can take the bad with the good. My husband takes all of her negativity to heart. Takes offense to the unthinking things she says/ does and sometimes he will say- I don't think I can do this anymore.
I know she doesn't hate him, I know he doesn't hate her...but some days...boy... I wish they would both move out.
Hugs. I hope your significant other can get past this hurdle. It really is up to him to show your teen how to act, not to just run away.

Crystal - posted on 12/23/2009

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Best that you found out now rather than later. I remarried when my daughter was 9 and had another child. As my oldest daughter grew up, her and my husband clashed frequently about everything. I felt really bad and told him "don't make me choose". I told her she had to be respectful. My grandmother told me that my daughter was sad and that I should have waited to get married again until she was grown. I resented her for saying that. During my daughters late teen years, my mother told me I had to do what was best for me by showing both my husband and daughter that we were a family and we were going to love, respect and tolerate each other regardless. I didn't want to loose either of them. Now that my daughter is grown (24) her and my husband have a much better relationship and she told me that she doesn't have any hard feelings toward me.

I am sorry you have so much pain behind this, but I have to say, your child comes first at this point in both your lives. The right guy will come along who will accept you and your son.

Debbie - posted on 12/23/2009

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dear kim , im so sorry you are hurting so bad, with respect to all parties concerned it sounds like this guy is a bit of a commitment phobic. he took you on as a package, he did know you had children . i have been in a relationship with a guy for five months now , one of my three sons who is fourteen has been and done everything you could imagine a teanager could ever get up to . lots of trouble. my partner knew all about the stuff my son had been up to right from the start and was around through some of the even worse stuff that happened. my son has now sorted his attitude, changed his friends and is really helpful and respectful to me and around the house he is a great help. my point is that through out this my partner has said he is nt impressed with the boy, and he even now is still unsure of his feelings for him ,but he loves me and he is nt going to let the attitude and behaviour get in between him and "a good relasionship" . we are now expecting a child together . and i am more than sure that through good and bad he will stand beside me and support and be there for me . i think you should confront this man to his real feelings and ask him not to keep blameing your son. just remember all things happen for a reason and better the true colours are shown before to much is at loss. there is always something better around the corner. get out get on some sites and make some more friends . the right one for you will come . ....by the way me and my partner actually met on a dating site so they are nt all bad :) wishing you all the very best, with peace love and light wished to you debbie xx

Karla - posted on 12/20/2009

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Kim, I very much understand what you are going through. I got married in 2001 to the love of my life. I had been a single mom for 12 years to a wonderful son. As the years have passed the tension between my husband and my son has gotten extremely bad. In the past 4 years my son has had various problems, be a teen whose father never really had anything to do with him his biggest of those problems and him not having any respect for my husband next in line. I now have 3 other children and everyday go through wandering if the walls are going to fall down or not.



I question myself and the choices I made all the time. I love my husband with all my heart and soul, but I will always wander if I did the right thing by marrying him and having more children. If I had known ahead of time what it was going to be like I'm not sure I would have been strong enough to make the choices I made or if I would have stayed a single mom for the rest of my life.



My son is now 20 1/2, very disrespectful at times and still lives at home. Can't find a job and is just now starting a community college in January. It has gotten so bad that my husband feels that I need to make my son leave but I have a hard time dealing with that because he has nowhere to go and no money to live on.



I am probably not helping you much but I do wish you the BEST of luck in your choices and I do find that prayer has helped me get from one day to the next.

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