Kim - posted on 12/20/2009 ( 7 moms have responded )
The man i fell in love with, who loves me and wanted to marry me decided to end the relationship as he could not deal with my sons teenage behaviour. He felt his feelings of dislike towards my son would put serious strain on our relationship and the people close to us. Instead of working through the behaviour of a teenager, being there for him and supporting him he felt his unhappiness in the situation would make me unhappy, affect the family and ultimately affect our relationship. He believes i am the woman for him but cannot go into the next step of our relationship which is marrige because he cannot accept my son and he believes that his feelings will get worse with time if he does not step away now. Which is what he has done. My son is a good scholar and sports person, he is an extravert. His teenage behaviour that is a challenge to my 'ex' right is laziness, refusing to do chores, playing his video games, play station and not wanting to do things around trhe house. His attitude towards me and his sister 'sucks' at times as he can be very rude, not a behaviour he has had before, it has oinly been for the past year since his 13th birthday. Adolesence i understand and something he will outgrow with time, finding his character and building a personality.
My 'ex' never shared anything about how he felt for months, he said he was struggeling with how his feelings would affect me and sat back as the silent observer in the hope that my son would change. Then when i told him that they were breaking my heart and we needed to deal with whatever they were going through as it will affect our future he finally agreed to talk and we did so a week later when i was at his place after church. He firmly believed that he could not get past his feelings and that it was not his job to guide and support my son, that was his fathers job. He says he loves me very much and that this decision was hard for him, he may look back one day and realise he made the biggest mistake of his life or that he did what was right for both of us.
He wants to close that chapter of our lives and wants to start a new chapter together. He wants to be friends as we have been through a lot and does not want to say goodbye or loose our friendship. His family and friends also love me and want me in their lives and dont necessarily understand his decision either.
It hurts real bad to be stuck in between the two men in my life that i love so very much (although my 'ex' is no longer involved with me). I cannot understand how he can love me so much and not be prepared to work through this period in my son's life. I am struggeling with much pain and the loss of this man that i love. He and his family wanted me to still join them for the Christmas going away plans we had arranged. This i cant do, it still hurts too much and being with them will make the hurt more painful (if that makes sense?), especially seeing my ex and the family i would have had.
My questions to those of you that may have expereinced something like this in your lives before is how do you get past the pain? Can i be friends with someone who i love and every time i look at him be reminded that it will never be? I dont necessarily want to loose him as a friend either but i am not sure my heart will survive. I know i need to sit down and talk to him face to face again, since our last chat which involved the breakup, and my feelings of how can you do this to me? How can you not want to work through your feeliongs with my son? why? why?and share my feelings of disappointment and the possible way foward. I am scared i wont be able to control my emotions and wont say what i need to without making him think he is a bad person, which he is not but still i cannot understand how he can walk away and he knows i dont understand but wants me to love him and respect him enough to accept his decision. He is leaving it up to me from a time perspective to chat about the new chapter in our lives and i am unsure what to do. Please can anyone help with guidence, previous expereince and recommendations?