married a man who loves me but not MY kids

Debra - posted on 01/12/2010 ( 230 moms have responded )

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I married a man who acted like he loved my family 7 years ago after being a single mom for about 10 years. Now he only has time for ME and anytime the kids, 2 still liveing at home ,come out of their rooms he shakes his head and mumbles under his breath . He never involves them in anything we do . It's like all his free time is just for us with no kids. I have tried talking about the way I feel and it doesn't seem to sink in My kids were here before him and will be after he's gone if this keeps up . Am I wrong in feeling this way?

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Lynn - posted on 09/18/2013

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It may be hard to hear, but he married you not your children. My mom had a step-mom and my sister is a step-mom; they let the parent parent and they did not feel an obligation to form any bond with the child greater then acquaintance. The relationship between steps and new spouses can not be forced -- it will be what it will, sometimes they don't connect and other they do to a degree (think co-workers). When he married you he should have the expectation that until they graduate High School that they will take up some of your time, but not all of it. He does not have to be their dad, he is not, he does not even have to be their buddy. And your logic is a little backward, in a few years the kids will be gone and he will still be their for you on a daily if you treat each other well, but without making demands beyond being cordial to extended family.

Renae - posted on 08/05/2013

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I would feel my first loyality would be to the children I brought into the world. Unless said children are really bad teens getting into serious trouble there is no reason for him to act like this. Frankly, I wouldn't care to have him in my house if my children weren't loved and welcome. Your kids pick up on his negative energy and may start to feel bad about themselves. He would either have to change toward the kids or leave. I just couldn't bear someone mumbling and shaking their head EVERTIME they came into a room. How do you stay with him?

Debie - posted on 06/06/2013

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Debra, run. It will never change. My kids are grown, 2 have familie of thier own, one getting married and one about to move out. Anything he can do to cause issues, he does. He has never seen my younder grand kids that are 2 1/2, 11 months and 15 months. Its all about him. I will be moving on soon and his life can then return to the selfisg exitence it was before I met him. It can then be all about him.

Lisa - posted on 01/17/2010

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Debra,

I too was a single parent for about 5 years with two daughters. When I met my husband my girs were 15 and 9. He did not immediately care about dating a women with 2 kids, especially a teenager. We dated for about 3 years before we got married. When my youngest daughter turned 15 all hell cut loose. She was doing drugs, coming home drunk and sneaking out of the window. All of this happened at the same time as my son was born. Although my husband cares for my girls and is very proud of them, he doesn't love them like a biological father would, and I don't expect him to.



During the years of turmoil with my daughter, he was very paitient and very supportive but never did he interfere with discipline or treat her like she was an outsider.



Your husband doesn't have to love your children and you shouldn't expect him to, but he does have to treat them with respect and dignity. Men are just adult boys and unfortunately they need coaching on how to be good fathers. Maybe he feels alienated. Most likely it is not the children he is angry with but rather you because he doesn't have enough time with just you. New fathers often suffer from the same kind of thing when new mothers no longer have the time to wrap their whole lives around their husbands. I urge you to get counseling. You're already in the marriage and booting him to the curb could be more devastating to your children than keeping him. Show him through example that you intend to stand by your children and that you would like for him to stand with you.

GAYLE - posted on 01/15/2010

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My thoughts on this are simple. Whenever I have a problem with my partner I write it down and ask him to read it in front of me and then I can see his reaction to what I have written down. I refuse to argue as this just causes friction and I believe a relationship should be a two way thing where you can say what you want to your partner without bad feelings ,you are not criticising him, and vice versa. If you write down how you are feeling you can both discuss it without hurt and both of you know where you stand. Please tell him how you are feeling as it will be a weight off your shoulders and you won't start to regret being with him. I am sure he is a loving husband and loves all of you but he really needs to know how you are feeling and also needs to know any consequences if he doesn't change his attitude towards your kids. They are after all what really matters here in the long run but also try to talk to them and ask them to write things down so everybody knows what is happening. Hope my advice helps and good luck in all your future choices.

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Kianu - posted on 11/17/2014

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I've read a lot of comments and most of the ladies here each have your own opinions and standards. Where do you ladies come up with these guidelines and rules about how a man should be when the other partner has children? If the women wasn't so messed up, she would still be with her original partner. Ladies are so indecisive and they don't know what they want half the time.

Erin - posted on 07/24/2014
In reply to your comment about the women being a package deal. Is that how you want men to treat women, as a package deal? Is that what love is about these days? I agree that children should come first, but when you are a broken family, that bond is not there from your original partner. Erin, I would love to enlighten you, but I'm afraid you wouldn't understand. Your demeanor in calling someone cold hearted is uncalled for.

The ladies that advise in leaving the poor man is just plain wrong. Running is not how you deal with problems in life. A lot of you can relate to this situation and that's because you fucked up from the beginning. First admit you FUCKED up! Before starting a relationship, one needs courtship. This is where you get to know and learn from one another. Qualities, compatibility, feelings, love, emotion... I can't sit here and go step by step with you ladies. This world is doomed!!! Never ending battle... Read about: relationships, partnerships, solution oriented, how to avoid situations like this in the first place... by taking the necessary steps and taking it slow. 68% of women rush into relationships because of looks and they just want SEX. 12% want financial stability(security,) and love = smart women. All the ladies here are in the 68% category. SAD!!!

Erin - posted on 07/24/2014

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This statement is bull. She was a package deal. You are very cold hearted . Children come first..

Adamstrace1 - posted on 07/08/2014

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What a beautiful and wonderful testimony some time things you don't believe can just happen.my name is Adams Trace i am from U.S.A am 25 years old i got married at the age of 24 i have only one child and i was living happily .After one year of my marriage my husband behavior became so strange and i don't really understand what was going on, he packed out of the house to another woman i love him so much that i never dream's of losing him, i try my possible best to make sure that my husband get back to me but all to no avail i cry and i cry seeking for help. i discussed it with my best friend and she promise to help me he told me of a man called Dr.ogala, he is a very great man and a real man that can be trusted and there is nothing concerning love issues he cannot do that is why they call him Dr.ogala. I contacted his email address.And i told him everything that happen all he told me that i should not worry that all my problems will be solved immediately. He told me what to do to get my husband back and i did, he said after One hour my husband will come back to me and start begging, it really happen i was very surprise and very, very happy our relationship was now very tight and we both live happily again. So my advice for you now is to contact this same email address:(Holyspellcast@gmail.com, if you are in any kind of situation concerning love issues and any other things that give you problems. He can use his HOLY spell to help you. his web site http://holyspellcast.webs.com and you can also call him +2348072371282 THANKS..

Happy And - posted on 07/06/2014

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Leave him immediately! It will not improve if you stay and your children will suffer terribly.

I have just extricated myself from an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship and my young daughters (now 8 and 10) are thriving again.

Same story... He loved my girls when we first met however, as soon as we moved in together (as I was heavily pregnant) he pushed them away, ignored them, told them to leave their mother alone. He hated when they came to me for a cuddle or sat on my knee. Told them to get out of our bedroom if they wanted to jump into bed in the morning for a hug.

My girls were walking on eggshells constantly and never felt valued or wanted by him. I went into overdrive trying to protect them as well as trying to keep the family unit together as we also had a baby boy together.

I finally built up the courage to leave when my youngest daughter developed a nervous blinking habit. He was destroying her little soul. Obviously I do not want my little boy (3 years old) to also be from a split home, however he will benefit from having a strong mother and confident sisters.

I am so happy that I left him and have not regretted my decision. Our little boy is well adjusted and my girls and I are free.

DEBRA - posted on 05/02/2014

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Hi Debra!! I have twin boys ages 7. My finance and i just recently moved intogether, and he does not show them the attention that i thought he would., i mean i know he is not their biological father but at the same time it would be nice to show them they he at least likes them. im two steps away from leaving him because of this. We can all be in the living room watching a movie and he would walk out and go into another room. When he walks in the house he dont speak. He always fussing about them going in the cabinet eating food and snacks that i purchase although yes he does pay the rent. Its a hard situation but at the same time MY kids come first. So Debra i understand and i will keep you and your family in my prayers

Michelle - posted on 04/09/2014

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GET YOUR EX BACK IN THE NAME OF PROPHET AKHIDE EMAIL HIM ON PROPHETAKHIDESOLUTIONTEMPLE@GMAIL.COM

Naomi - posted on 04/02/2014

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Debra-

I would chose a man who loves you and your children. As one post indicated, children pick up on the negative and will blame that there is something wrong with them, if a grown man shakes his head at them because they came out of the room. To me that is a red flag for you. Your children come first and you must protect them. If you can find a man that has the same values as you and loves children then your girls will grow up a little stronger. Otherwise wait to be in a relationship. Children should always come first before a relationship.

Elizabeth - posted on 03/31/2014

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Hi, I can really relate to your situation but have my own questions as well... I am 29, Mother of 4...I've been divorced when nearly killed by an abusive husband and in and out of relationships and always get this same issues about kids and step kids...After loosing my 3 eldest kids for having my baby's (5 now) dad arrested for abusing me and my family, broke my ribs, almost broke my mother's nose and causing my step dad to almost loosing his eye, I met a guy whom I really learned to love with my entire being and whom had 3 kids which at that time stayed with his ex wife and her boyfriend. He was an absolute amazing father to his own kids and iv'e never seen such fatherly love at all in my lifetime...After being engaged for a few months i have learned to love his 3 kids as my own, maybe because they filled that empty spot of my own kids not being there i'm not sure....We fetched his kids every second weekend and mostly i took care of them every holiday because their mother had to work and at that time I was still unemployed... I did not mind because I love children. Nearly being 3 years engaged, we had a phone call on the evening of 21st July 2012 from the mom of his 2 year old girl (at that time) asking for the medical aid's information but not truthful about why she needed it so urgently and just said the child has a high fever...After my fiance' got suspicious and more demanding to what exactly happened she told us that the little girl was admitted to hospital for being in a coma and sent us a picture which clearly showed that she had a huge blue hump on the right front side of her head, just above her right eye...We immediately went to the hospital about an hour and a half's drive from our town. We both broke into tears when we saw that little angel all tangled up in pipes and wires and machines... They transferred her via ambulance to another hospital and immediately contacted social services which was protocall for a child being admitted with a head injury... to make a long story short, by that Monday on 23 July 2012 they took ex-rays of her whole body which confirmed a cracked skull, heavy swelling and bleeding in the brain, enormous brain damage on the entire right side of the brain and a 10 day old broken left top arm...We nearly lost her a couple of times but I did not stop praying, She was in ICU for more than a month before they could stabelize her. They then operated and inserted a tube in the stomache for feeding as well as a tube in her throught for breathing and then sent her to rehab centre to start learning to walk, eat, talk ect all over again...After spending more than a month in rehab as well, they sent all 3 kids to be in our care...At that stage the medical bill was at R700.000.00 and we still had to take all 3 kids for trauma counseling and the little girl who had turned 3 in rehab already and was like a baby between 9 and 15 months, to attend therapy every week...I had been there for that 3 kids ever since, I changed the little girl's nappy, I was the one who bathed her every day, played with her, fed her, gave her medicine on time, sang her to sleep with her little hand in mine, I was the one who couldn't sleep for the first few weeks because i was afraid she would stop breathing or something will just happen to her, I was the one who teached her new words, songs and how to do things....She even started calling me mamma...Then the unthinkable happened, the one thing I never ever thaught will ever happen again, The father cheated on me and then threw me in the streets just like that...My 4 year old son was staying with us at that time as well and we had so many arguments about my son and how he treated my son like a piece of s**t and never once did I ever favoured my own son above his 3 kids, actully his daughter had more of my attention at that time as anything else...I moved as far away as i could get because i knew if i stayed in the same town as them i would never let them continue their lives without me wanting to see them all the time...I really fell so hard this time, I was on the verge of breaking, emotionally and phisically. I cried for days, I did not want to get up in the morning and started to drink a lot...I would be drunk at times and then send him voice messages while crying my heart out. I even had thaughts to kill myself because it felt like i lost my kids all over again...I did not think there was any hope left at all...Then, I met someone...He was so attractive and nice and understanding and sincere and loving and caring. He did not have any children of his own at all, nor can he have any. He treated my son so good and I thaught this was a prayer being answered. After 2 months of dating I moved in with him, he baught my son beds and bedding and toys for his own room, spent time with my son ect...Today we are going for 7 months, everything changed...he changed...He does not spend any more time with my son, he's always tired and irritated, he can't even say anything nice to my son, my son cant do anything good in his eyes and he shouts at him for every little thing. What should I do??? I am so desperate for some advice. I have spoken to him about this a couple of times already but either way it turns into an arguement or he will be nice to my son for about 10 minutes and thats it...My son does not know his father and he is in desperate need of some fatherly affection and attention, and he thinks the world of my boyfriend still after everything he is doing to him emotionally... I do not have any where else to go nor have i any income to to provide for me and my child...do I just step out and take the chance to loose my baby as well??? I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown I tell you...

Samantha - posted on 03/15/2014

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I am actually on the other end of this I'm 25 with my own 7 yr old daughter and pregnant with my son my mother married her husband 10yrs ago been together for 17 when we were children he was great!! But once we became teenagers it seemed as though no fathering was going to come from him, only harsh comments and lack of moral support, i was a pretty bad teenager but I grew into a good young woman, me and my fiancé fell on hard times I was fired which was a giant part of our income and he was able to get a night shift job, our lease was up and banking on our taxes which had issues and our lease was up my mother and her husband have a three bedroom and I asked if just me and my daughter could stay until the money was saved up for a deposit no more than two months, worst descion I have ever made I should have gone to a shelter he's constantly reminding me I only have a month and that this is making him unhappy how could my mother marry a man who has no enjoyment from me or my daughter we bother him just being here so when she gets off school I try and stay away until it's close to my daughters bedtime my fiancé is staying with his sister but it's a one bedroom there's. No room for us but. I'm losing my respect for my mom as a person I would Never be with a man who did not love my daughter and treat her as his own ever!! I feel like my mom looked out for her own well being instead of ours. I know I'm an adult and things should not happen like this because I have a child but I have fallen on hard times and had no where to turn. Take it from a scorned daughter don't ever be with a man unless they love your kids if not as much ore than you. You will lose trust. Respect and love from the ones who matter most

Kelly - posted on 03/04/2014

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Hi TH
Sorry confused who will I have to pay child support and y would not have the kids.
I have five kids in total 3 from last marriage and 2 from this one.
I should have gave up on men long time ago and just brought up 3 I had.
Don't get me wrong love my kids from this marriage too.
But if I had to choose between him and the kids, kids win every time

Kelly - posted on 03/03/2014

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Hi my story is similar to yours, go married 7 years ago and had 2 girls aged now 2 half and 4 years of age
Was married before have 3 kids from that marriage.
Left us for another women didn't want anything to do with the children.
As he was soooo in love with his new lady friend, but any way was single for 7 years and got married again, this husband promised us that he would look after me and the kids and promised us that my children will never be with out a father figure, ha what load of bbbb bbbb (sorry about my bs) any way by the way was married abroad. When he got here he just changed, I had my first daughter in the first year of him coming over.

He did give dame about my kids from last marriage and doesn't give dame about his own girls,
Makes me soo mad ,so I was his passport to England.
He never stays home goes out with his mates all the time.
Doesn't consider our needs or the fact that we need break from the kids.
All day I'm home with the kids have been told I have sever depression.
And that down to 2 men in my life.
I don't want to leave the house I don't want any one coming to my house, cause I have no reason to carry on as it has been twice that man has let me down.
I have tied to kill my self once but did have the courage to do that. Im just a loser and every thing i do I think of me being a failure. That's wat his done to me killed me inside slowly and he hates all my kids.
He doesn't under stand how hard if is hhhaaaah makes me do angry.
Hate users (man)

Darren - posted on 02/20/2014

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Advice required. I'm a 44 year old male, divorced 7 yrs ago and met a lady 4 yrs ago who has a (now) 8 yrs old son. We also have a 3 yrs daughter. From the outset it was apparent that her son had behavioral problems which were not tackled due to his mother's guilt after leaving his father when she was pregnant. As a result her sons behavior has not improved and he has no routine or discipline. He basically rules the roost. Despite my advice his mother has not made any effort to improve or diagnose his behavior. As a result of this our relationship has rapidly deteriorated and ultimately I appear to be held responsible for not accepting her son when despite my efforts no change has taken place over the period we've been together. I now have agreed custody with my daughter but her mother refuses to have any contact with me. I have arranged maintenance Payments etc and done all I can to ensure my daughter isn't affected. I suppose my question is do I continue to fight this battle to regain our relationship or do I accept that she won't change her attitude and guilt over her son

Jon - posted on 02/17/2014

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First and foremost, as a man who was raised by loving women without much of a male influence in my life, I have to admit I'm rather disheartened by so many women who have responded with broad, sweeping generalizations about men. About them not being 'sensitive', 'caring', that they're 'aggressive' and 'domineering' as I've noticed in some of these posts. I -will- admit that the culture in which young boys are raised does not lend itself to allowing them to develop the 'feelings' and 'emotions' as women, but then again, if all men were like women, wouldn't that defeat the whole purpose? Men and women, generally, compliment each other -because- of their differences, as long as both realize who, why and - most importantly - HOW they love. So, ladies, please try to keep away from sweeping generalizations about men, as it demeans our gender. And just as you don't want to be demeaned, we don't either.

Back to the subject at hand elucidated by Debra. I come from the same situation you spoke of, though I was a child in a relationship of that nature, and not a mate. My step-father has never gotten along well with me, and without going into -great- detail, let's just say that HIS actions, more-so than mine, have strained the relationship between my Mother and I. It has been only VERY recently, at the behest of my girlfriend and soon-to-be-fiancee, that all of us are going to try to be a family. Most of the women that have posted in this thread are correct - your kids DO come first. They sprung from you, they are more a part of you than your husband will ever be. That's not to diminish him or his valid familial contributions, it's just a statement of fact. Openness with your husband regarding his feelings about your kids and how he relates to them is key. Some men can fight any of the myriad conditions that led them to be who they are [perhaps HIS father wasn't around? Perhaps he was, but was abusive? Perhaps he came from a time and place where men were chastised for showing any sort of loving, caring emotion for children, whether biologically related or not? ] These are all things many Men struggle against, just as, sadly, many women have had to struggle against in -their- lives. The point is, communication opens SO many doors, and as it seems - from your perspective - that he's not offering that sort of openness in regards to your children, if your relationship with him is truly important, as is the relationship with your kids, some great, exhausted and, probably, painstaking effort needs to be made for everyone to be reconciled. There's an old saying: "If you DON'T try, you'll fail 100% of the time." Both of you need to make an effort to get to the root of just why he's reacting in the manner that he is. Sadly, as some women in this thread have pointed out, some men -can't- change, they -can't- accept children who aren't their own and, believe it or not, more often than not, that stems from the -man's- feeling of inadequacy, that he feels he can't live up to what you - whom I assume he loves, and your children - expect and truly deserve from him. Communicate, open up, try to make the connection that needs to be made, or it WON'T get any better... and you'll then risk pushing away a man who isn't -bad-, just... misguided, or misunderstood. If it weren't for my girlfriend and wanting familial harmony, I wouldn't be making the overtures that I'm making to MY step-dad, and while that honestly wouldn't bother me, I'm thinking of -my- Mom, who faces the real possibility of never seeing her -only- child or future grandkids because of a closed-up man. Gotta try to pry that shell open - BOTH of you. You might be surprised at the pearl you find inside.

Steve - posted on 02/08/2014

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It's why i've told my son ( 20) never to get married or get in a relationship other than one on one. Too much emotional crap that may fill the females side but doesn't the males. It's a personal thing, if it works , great, if it doesn't , move on

THINGS HAVE CHANGED, we may need to adjust to new relationship paradigms but under the current arrangements, my advice to the next generation is the same.

I also have a daughter that is over educated for what she needs but I've always said that if shit happens , she needs to have a great job so that she if she left in a vulnerable situation she can walk away with confidence that all will be looked
after.

This conversation is more about female expectations vs males ( we're dumb but determined, so you need to work out what you want, stop dancing around the issues & quantify the "wants" vs " needs" in a logical manner).

I've just come back a third world country where " needs" & "wants" are too very different topics, we live in a too personalized world where the issues of the day are if the air conditioning is 2 degrees too high or not & we will have whinge about it.

I've just read my diatribe, it's pathetic, but not a pathetic as your entitlement mentality.

Jeannette - posted on 01/30/2014

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I have a boyfriend for 10 month I dont know what to do everythime he hurts my feeling telling me he want to deal only with me not my kids. The problem is my kids are my world , what should I do .

Pinkiprls76 - posted on 01/11/2014

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No,he married you with the understanding that your kids are part of that equation! Any man who will put himself into a marriage w/ a woman whom has children, but dosent include them as a part of her is extremely selfish! Your children will grow to resent you & no doubt will they resent him! His position in this relationship isn't for a family, (you and your children,)its solely for himself and what he has to gain, (you.) as his position here, he sits center as a dividing factor to sever the bond created naturally from conseption. Its up to you to continue in turmoil, or to end what you now know and move on. You can't make him change, yet if you keep this all connected as ur trying so hard to do, the change/ result will be one you may never forgive urself for. Set urself free, learn from it and know that men are out there waiting to receive the whole package!!! U and your children deserve that man/father!!

Kristin - posted on 12/27/2013

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Hi Debra,

I am having the same issue. I have a 13 year old boy and an 8 year old boy. My boyfriend a year ago was really convincing that my kids are a part of me and he knows he will have to accept them as he does me BUT it is not this way and now, a year later, it seems like all we do is fight about the kids, mostly the oldest. If this helps--get a notebook or piece of paper for each person in the family and write down individual issues such as stubborn, angry all the time, likes the drums ect and then write one sheet of all the arguments, problems ect. I found that my boyfriend has mommy issues and lots of things as a child growing up that contribute as well as issues with his own children that keep him from a distance to getting close to my own children-he also is a MAN, stubborn and wants it his way and when he doesnt get it-it's hell around the house. He struggles with building relationships in general. Consider everyones feelings-especially his and work from his way backward-if you want result-it has to start with the two of you-its hard and a process but time will tell-at all costs avoid putting down, complaining, yelling-make it a positive conversation-also read about stubborn headed or insecure men-how to deal with stubborn men ect. Also include your children in giving toward him as well--it takes everyone's work! Hope this helps.

Cheryl - posted on 10/18/2013

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OH, You Poor Dear, and Yes....I Understand! My Husband used to seem to care, not now....I havent seen my son, i Illinois(we in Michigan, son is 11) since, August......my husband seems so cold to this, he used to care, and I always saw my son, approx. every 5 weeks or so....been so Lonnnngggg, now....sigh.....I Simpathize with you, Dear.....Indeed, I do!!!!!!!

Lareina - posted on 10/12/2013

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hell no, you are not wrong for that. you are not wrong for feeling like that

Jacqueline - posted on 09/06/2013

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You can't stop a natural feeling. You have to listen to your women's intuition . All mothers know what their kids need from them. Some mothers give unselfishly of themselves to their children. Do you want your husband to be a father figure for your children, is their real Dad in the picture. I need more information to really share my full opinion. Does their real Dad share quality time with your kids, then maybe the guy your married to doesn't want the Daddy role. Knowing what you want from your current husband would help me understand your situation better.

Lisa - posted on 09/06/2013

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I've been in your place. My situation is slightly different, in that mine has MS. He essentially needs me to be here for him, as he ages, and his condition progresses. At first, his reaction was just like your husband's. Such disapproving glances, I wanted to simply scream! My son has ADD, and my husband didn't have any experience raising a child, nor did he have what one would call a 'normal' childhood.
His was more, better-seen-than-heard... and even THAT was pushing it.
He therefore didn't have the foggiest idea about kids being rambunctious, typical kids, let alone attempting to find the right meds to counteract the effects of his ADD.
We've been together for over 3 years, and the two of them are getting much better. It required a number of instances, where it was necessary to get in between them, to help one understand where the other was coming from... and for them to realize that they BOTH need to make room for my time wth the other in both their lives. This is just my story. If your husband is consistently unfair in his approach to your children, it will have to come to an ultimatum.
As a mother, your children always come first.
I hope things turn around for you. Please remember, you're NOT alone!

Robin - posted on 09/06/2013

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There will always be other men in the world, but YOU only have YOUR babies once. I HAD a husband like that. Wonderful to "our" boys while he could control them, but once they started growing up... A totally different story. Now we have been blessed w/ a man who would die for US. Keep your chin up & take a stand! Best of luck. I know it isn't easy.

Theresa - posted on 09/02/2013

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No and no mother should ever ever ever put any one above her children. Men are cold and hard and most do not accept another mans' children. This can only end with your children having resentment and feelings of not being wanted or loved by YOU. I can not fathom any one staying with a man or woman if they are abusing their children. YES emotional abuse scars far outlast the physical abuse scars. After so many years it is probably much to late to make a difference now. Hopefully as adults your children can find some kind of happiness but you have shown them they were not the most important things in your life. Now they will have to break the cycle of this kind of abuse. So sorry for all of you. May God bless you and keep you.

User - posted on 08/15/2013

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Help my husband doesn't like my daughter from a previous marriage she is 9 years old what do I do

Jacqueline - posted on 08/15/2013

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You are not in control of your feelings, just how you chose to deal with your feelings. Feeling like crap stinks. You love your man and your kids, but for me in life my babies come first. You have choices to make and I know they are not easy choices especially if financially he is taking care of you and your kids. Sometimes feeling trapped makes it difficult. Give yourself time, you will find your way and make the best decision.

Jlp

Felicity_cs - posted on 08/06/2013

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Have a family friend in this situation. She married and the man was horrible to her kids. Not abusive.. just wanted her away from the kids and didn't include them. Eventually she let the kids move out and in with another family member. WHO does that? The kids now grown TOTALLY resent her and she has lost their love forever. I can't blame them. WHO choses any man, espescially not the bio father over their children. Tell him to wake up.. or hit the road. He'll probably try to fake it.. Kids need to know they always come first. My Mom never dated after my parents split, my Dad always put woman after woman first.. we were left in the dust. Now, as adults, guess who we have a relationship with? And guess who realizes he made a huge mistake far too late?

User - posted on 08/03/2013

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You are not wrong dear,if he rili loves you he has to feel the sme bout yor kids,havin the sme
Problm

Cindy - posted on 07/18/2013

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My husband just want me to erase my past family and all he just wants me and no one else in my life

Loretta - posted on 07/18/2013

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My husband was the child in a situation like this when he was young. It left terrible scars. You are not wrong to notice what he is doing is wrong, but you are wrong to subject your kids to this. If your husband will not prioritize your children--who are your number one responsibility right now--it would probably be best for you to get your kids out of the situation. If this keeps up, your kids might not eventually be there after he's gone--because they may blame you for not subjecting them to it. My husband still blames his mom. And to be honest, she really did fail him by not rescuing him from that.

Lavonda - posted on 05/15/2013

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Debra, I can relate so closely to what you are going through. I also married a man when I was 32 that I had dated when we were teens. He wasnt my first love. We dated as teens for 2 and half years. It didnt work out for us, so he went his way. I went mine. He had married a woman had a son with her. I had married twice have 3 sons. Then in 1995 my brother passed away and me and this man got back together after not seeing each other for 20 years. We have a daughter between us. But like you, my husband never paid my boys or his daughter any attention. I was the one in the family who made the kids mind. He wasn't abusive to my kids physically but emotionally he has been and doesnt think he has done anything wrong. When my daughter was 10 months old I found out he had cheated on me which at the time almost killed me. I should have left him at that time but decided to stick around. He has cheated on me several times since. I am now 55 and he is 54. Our 16 year old daughter is pregant. I had decided to leave him soon as she graduates in 2015 and still want to. He says he loves me and never wants to lose me but my heart is in love with another man, my first love. So you are absolutely not wrong to feel the way you do. My heart has been torn about leaving him because of my kids because my first love lives 1000 miles away but lately I have been making long term plans to leave to a state only 8 hours from my kids and my first love has told me he will do anything to get me back so he has agreed to move closer to be near me and I can be near my kids. I am so excited about my future. If my boys were not disabled I could probably move far away but I know they would be devasated if they couldnt see me as often as they do now. My daughter will finish school and I will take care of my grandbaby. Her and boyfriend may get married before she graduates but time will tell. If she does then I won't have to wait until 2015 to be with the guy I should have always been with. I don't know if your husband has cheated on you or not but a woman needs to be happy in her marriage and your spouse needs to love the kids as much as he loves you. I do not see that with my husband. It has all been about me. So am I wrong to feel the way I do and wanting something better in my life? My mom was married to my dad for 53 years and she lived like a slave because my dad was very controlling and he beat on her. Finally 6 months before she died she divorced my dad and came to live with me. That was the happiest time of my mom's life. I will not be treated like my mom, not abused but not happy. We all deserve happinesses.

Dana - posted on 05/13/2013

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I wouldn't put up with it for a minute. In no way, form, or fashion accept your kids being treated "less than", unwanted, or undesirable. I understand if he's trying to communicate with them and have a relationship with them, and there's a RELATIONSHIP problem. I had two stepdaughters I loved dearly (their mother died when they were very young) and it was hell all throughout their adolescent & teen years, with one daughter in particular. BUT, I was a bigger part of their lives than their dad (although I promise you, I was the scapegoat, and they were both Daddy's girls), but I knew those girls were a part of our relationship when I fell in love with their dad. There were times I went to my room and cried because they hated me so during those years, but I knew they were thinking (although they wouldn't say it, "if mom was alive, she'd love us more" or "this wouldn't happen" or "life would be different". They had a real hard time with not having their biological mother. I would almost be a saint for staying, but I was so in love with my family, and I had no desire to be anywhere else for that matter, that I endured it. Those girls are in their early 20's now, and especially the one who hated me the most (I was hated for just merely being the person in their mother's place. I'm sure many to most of you would understand this), but my heart is warmed and joyful, because the oldest (the hard one) is kind to me now, she has grown and matured so much!! It's wonderful to talk with her now. Our relationship is closer to where I thought it would be when she was in high school, although I had to wait a few more years for that. Very little support from their dad, until they got so out of control, but it was way too late by then. Since dad thought his role was to provide and just exist in the house (of course, there were times he'd do things & spend time with them), but I was the primary home organizer, even though I worked full time too. I made sure the girls had plenty of Christmas & holidays (way past what I know they would've had with their dad - they have always conceded this to me) but I also budgeted and for years and years picked out their outfits (which wasn't a problem until they got older, but by then, it was hard to afford much for both of them, and there was some resentment. They still looked good though - they just didn't think so :( I took those girls grocery shopping with me, and anywhere else I went too. I would make their dad go with me to school meetings and such, and he would. I always made sure he knew what was going on with them, although I would have preferred more reaction or opinions from him, would've been very helpful for me. Especially when the girls began to project their anger towards me, but honestly, I think their dad LIKED not having to worry about them being angry at him - of course - he didn't DO anything to make them mad! I was raising them! Where I had a heart to teach them (out of love - like my aunt taught me - because my mother died too & my aunts & uncles finished raising me) to use a dishwasher to get as many dishes in there, while not blocking them either, so water could contact the insides and all, my oldest got very angry, hollering and stormed off, saying that I criticized everything she did, she could do nothing right. I was floored, and my heart utterly broken. I went to my room and cried (as I usually did, because there was no getting angry or taking true authority anymore - it all backfired on me, and didn't do anything but make it worse). I always tried to be careful to speak to them in a respectful, normal tone of voice, but it happened every day, several times a day. I did grow to loathe to see them come home, or have to tell them something, because without fail, that chip on the shoulder was a constant reminder of how much she hated me (still talking about oldest in particular). She told all her friends (and their parents) how awful I was to her at home, and even in church, people began to avoid me. I knew this was the reason. Everybody felt sorry for her, cause she was so mistreated. I've thought I was crazy for staying, but there was honestly no other man I had ever loved, and I just couldn't help myself - I was committed to my family. I wished often that I was the type could just up and leave, but all my family thought my husband was the best thing since minute rice, and they didn't believe how emotionally abusive he was to me at times either. I believe those times he would cast blame on me for something, had led the girls to believe that I was the cause of all our family hardships, and their wonderful dad was just enduring me, just as they had to. I didn't realize the dynamics of all this, but I went to dramatic lengths to figure out what was wrong, and what needed to happen to make it better, because I now had a young son who had taken to not talking, and was very insecure - no doubt to all the hostility and arguing in the house (her and her sister argued all the time too, but the oldest ALWAYS went around looking like she was mad at the world - and did NOT have anything to do with her little brother) I took myself and my kids to church every time the doors opened, I went back to school and got a social work degree, because it was strong on human behavior and other things I felt strongly I needed to know. Anything I learned from the bible, I implented for myself and in my heart, till by the time they were 13 & 15, I had quit even making them pick up behind themselves, cause to them, I was the wicked stepmother, in every little thing. I just cannot see a man having these kind of problems like I did. Not to disregard them all - I know there's some very good-hearted men out there, desperately trying to please their woman and the kids, who are not appreciated, and I feel for them.

Sorry for telling so much of my story, but I think there's some contrasts here that you might find very helpful. And there will be a one-sentence, bottom-line at the end.

If this man is not a part of these girls' lives, and is expressing displeasure in their very existence, you need to leave him. Even if you love him. If he has not hurt those girls to the point they have hard feelings towards him by now, you need to cut him loose, because it will happen. I'm jealous that this man was not hated just for being there, because I was, and I loved the girls. I actually knew their real mother, and I was actually her mid-of-honor at their wedding, and my brother was my (not then) husband's best man. I knew this young lady from the time she was born. Her parents knew my mother, who passed away when I was 16. She left home a week before her HS graduation, bc she has also turned 18, and she could not wait to get out of our house. We let her go, of course. She is now 24, and she has worked full-time and went to college, and lived on her own, and paid her own bills, and fed herself, and has NOT hardly asked anybody for a THING. I know now that her stubbornness and the dominance problem we had (she wanted to rule the house, but just naturally, she couldn't do that either) was obviously her natural temperament (which we knew, but did we have to go through all THAT?! ha ha) has worked tremendously in her favor as an adult. She is not a whiny, dependent female who has felt a need to go out and get married because she's lonely or feels she needs support. She is holding out for the right man, and although she has had to skip semesters in order to focus on working, or to give herself a break because she's feeling burnt out, she has maintained great grades and starts a great state school in the fall to major in elementary ed. She has all of her basics out of the way. Her personality and attitude has taken a 360 and she is such a pleasant young lady now! My husband moved us far away from his girls, and I'm really upset over it, cause my son is now 13 & wants to see his sisters sometimes, but their dad doesn't seem to care if he ever sees either one of them again. I did NOT go through all I did because I didn't care! How can he be like this? Nobody is happy but him now. I don't even WANT to be where we are now, and neither does our son, but he doesn't care. Now my daughters know I love them. My oldest (especially) realizes that she was a "drama queen" as she says now, ha ha. Even her classmates knew she was sour and hard-to-please, but there was something about her that ppl were still drawn to her. She has always had lots of friends, even though she'd come home and still feel like she did not have any "real" friends (which I understand. That's a normal teenage thing, I think). So, we weren't dealing with anything within "normal" range. It was way out of control.

We both apologized to each other many years ago, while we were working on our relationship, and I know we both meant it, but we were both still struggling to get things right. But our hearts were by that time, WERE to bury the hatchet & make it right. And it would take some more spending time together in person to be sure, but I think we have totally moved past that long chapter in our lives, and are at a place we can openly love one another again. And it feels terrific. I love her even more for that!!

If this man does not love his family (which includes your kids) to respect and treat them well, then he does not deserve you or your kids. He will cause problems LONG past the time these kids grow up. Have you ever talked to people who don't like to go home, because of a step-parent they know doesn't want them there? Those kids know, or will know, with nothing ever being said. Do NOT let your kids be treated like that! It reeks of self-centeredness and/or selfishness, and you're sadly mistaken if you think that will never push off on you. If you're young and/or healthy enough with the support or means to care for yourself and your kids, get out and wait for the right man. I'm so sorry there are people out there who are one thing when you marry, then another after. I have made many, many, many sacrifices for my step-daughters, including the right to my own happiness, and yes, even risking my son's well-being (who is 12 yrs younger than them), much to my chagrin. But I did everything I could to protect him, while doing all I felt I should for the girls. I don't think most women would have went through what I did. And honestly, I wonder sometimes why I did, because it definitely had what I think will be a life-long impact on my emotional make-up and my personality. I cannot bring myself to discipline my own son the way that otherwise would have been normal, and he's suffered for it, but I was so broken - you never know how traumatic it can be to be so bitterly hated, unless you've been through it. I cannot argue, I cannot be assertive - even if it's for the right reasons - like I could before this. I had to make sure I was right with God, because everybody was always pointing their fingers at me, like they were doing nothing, but I had no idea what I was doing wrong! But this man doesn't care, one which way or another. My husband never attempted to make any changed for himself, to help us as a family, but I changed every little tiny thing about me to be sure that I wasn't contributing to the problem that I could. I purged my heart of anything and everything I thought even possibly might contribute to the strife. In the end, The girls and my husband began to see themselves, and not me, because I had removed myself emotionally completely from it. THAT'S when my husband all of a sudden started having anger issues with the girls - and they were his! That's because they would not accept my instructions, my guidance, my influence. And I slowly backed out. They could leave clothes lying on the floor, not take a shower (which of course they did - they were teenage girls, after all! Ha ha). I did not take the car away (which was MY car that I gave her, even when she brought it home with marijuana smoke bellowing out the car doors), I just told her dad. She had a job that she felt she had every right to keep how much she made to herself, as well as where she was spending her money. I knew she was buying pot with it, and alcohol for her & her friends (I don't think she was a big drinker, but during those years, she was trying to fit in). I knew she was spending her money on her bum boyfriend who I thought didn't even really care about her, but was using her. Yes, I was worried about her, but any attempts on my part to take away the car, or find out where her money was going, whatever, would have been met by a total brick wall as far as what she would have told me. But she would have immediately started hollering and accusing me of God only knows what. But if her father didn't intervene, I could do nothing. It had been beat me over the head time and again that it would only make things worse between us, and help nothing at all. I don't even think her younger sister had a problem with me, until she had carried on so long, that even she started to feeling like we were unfair.

Now, to sum it up and for that bottom-line finally. Being in a step-relationship is hard, but if he's not even willing to work on it, it's doomed from the beginning. And it will not end when the kids grow up and have families of their own. You will suffer sorrow from this for the rest of your life, because I'm hearing that you really love your kids and want happiness for you all. I see red flags all over the place. Only a person who has lived through this can be as alarmed as I am by understanding the seriousness of your situation. Do not underestimate it!!!! Your marriage will suffer, your intimacy will suffer. Me & my husband are still married, but we are in different rooms MOST of the time. There is a part of my heart he does not have, and will never have. Now I'm seeing that he is not caring about his grown daughters, I'm angry, and I realize the extent to which this man is capable of his life revolving around his own self, rather than me and my son. If I had known then, what I know now, I would have NEVER married him. It brings tears to my eyes to say, even as much as I love him, even from the beginning. I always knew I loved him more than he loved me. But I had never loved or trusted a man (for my own reasons). If I had not married him, I likely would have never married. If I were not with him now, I would not be married. I resent the fact that he thought it very important to take good care of us while the girls were home, but now they're gone, he doesn't seem as he could care less if our son has the things he needs to grow up to be a successful man. So far, my son has not had from his father what he deserves. He does not have what he needs to succeed in life - things only his father can give him. I am my son's near-sole caregiver and companion. I love him more than life itself. I live for this kid. I don't know what I'm going to do when he grows up, because my husband has isolated me from everything I've ever known and loved, and if I have to live around just him for company, I just can't do it. He doesn't need people, but I do. I may can be happy caring for my son, and thrilled with his company, but that doesn't mean he feels the same way, especially now he's 13. He's home-schooled because he has a learning disability, that no one seems to be able to explain. If it were dyslexia, he'd have all kinds of help, but it's not that. I've always been bright and a great academic, and I've struggled to teach him. He's been tested, and it's not that he can't learn - he has a stumbling block. And that's as far as the school cares. They put him in the regular classroom, and he suffers emotional problems, bullying, stigmatism, and low self-esteem. My child has never had a real friend. It breaks my heart to think about it. And now my husband has moved us away from my family, to a deserted place I had never heard of, and the only person here is his mother. And his mother hates it here too - she just moved here cause she re-married, and her husband already owned land and homes here. He stays over there all the time, and we stay here, me and my son. I'm sorry I made this so much about me, now I'm not even referring to the stepchild situation, but maybe you can glean something out of that about the type of man whom I tried to raise his children, and how much appreciation and reward there was from it. I can tell you the reward: my daughters now trust me more than their father. I'm the only one of us two that speaks to either one of them. All my nieces and nephews consider me their favorite aunt. I take solace in this, but I know I cared. How can this man live with himself, not even caring? Best wishes to you. You have hard decisions to make. If you stay, you will ponder this many, many times over. Take it from someone who's been there.

Wanda - posted on 05/12/2013

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yes mam i married one of those to ,oh he just loved them to death when we first got together.i was married 24 yrs before him, now its been 8 ,well if you count the 6 months i left him, haha.i am not under any shape form or fashion giving up my family for any man ,except jesus christ.and only if he decides that its their time.if a man knows you already have children or grandchildren, before hand, then they should know that you arent giving them up for them, grown or not.who will be there when hes gone, your children, an they may have to clean his behind for him before he dies, so he might want to be a little kinder to them. this is the way it is, god gave us these children, he gave us man first, but then came the children, thats because he knew, that those children would be there for you long after that mans gone, be it death or just gone.so you tell him, just like you said they was there before him an they will be there long after hes gone, stick to your guns,if he really loves you, he will try an change, he has to figure out that you arent giving up your children, so who will go, him.something will give.mine still dont like my family , but he is kinder, because, i tell him, i dont have to live here, i love you ,but i dont have to be miserable, just because, your an old butt hole.he just shuts up.being alone is no fun , when your 60 yrs old, and he knows it. his son of 32 wont even put up with him, my stepson, says i dont know how you live with him.hes hateful and greedy, always has been. so you do whats best for your kids, they were there before him, and will be long after hes gone, no guilt for loving your kids, grown or not. put your feeling out in the open, dont beat around the bush, let him know how you feel. goodluck and prayers for you and your family, my mom always said lay in the lords hands and let it go, he will deal with it.

[deleted account]

Hi, this is a hard one, but it must be said, he needs to make a choice period. He knew coming into the situation that you had a family and that it was a package deal. There is no grey area here, if you do not address this now it will only perpetuate into a worse situation. What is going to happen when your children start to have families and you become a grandparent. Are you willing to give that up for him? Be honest. I know it will be hard. but if you don't you will only resent him later. You need to be living a realistic life and that includes your whole family.

Linda - posted on 11/17/2012

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Hi Debra, I honestly know what you are going through. I was with a man for 6 years. We got together when my only son was 16, he has no kids. I was treated like a princess but my son was not. He would make nasty comments about my son. Then this year my son left home and moved interstate for work. The bagging and nastiness returned when my son came back to visit for one week. The hatred was truly unbearable and i really seen his true colours, although i still have feelings for him and think of him constantly and feeling the lonlieness of being alone. But at least i have peace and no more nagging in my life and i dont have to defend my son from a very cruel jealous person anymore. i hope this helps.You just have to be strong for you and the kids. There is life beyond them as there was before he came along.

Heather - posted on 09/20/2012

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Get to a counselor now. If he won't go kick him out. He has to understand that HE is not your child your children are. He needs to grow up or hit the road jack and you have to be strong an put your foot down on this. Don't let another day go by.

Joyce - posted on 09/20/2012

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DEBRA!!!!! WAKE UP!!!!! Men come and go; they are a dime a dozen but your KIDS...they are your OWN and should be the loves of your life forever. They should be your # 1 priority, not the money, house, car, social scene, etc., any man provides. Even if you have to work 2 jobs and support them on your your own, no man should ever come before them. lay down the law with this idiot and make it plain and simple that the kids are an extension of yourself and that he was a kid once too. He needs to give up his continued childish selfishness or find the door. And you are NOT wrong in feeling this way AT ALL.

Marybeth - posted on 07/19/2012

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My husband is like that with my oldest son. He is ok with my other son who is 19 but my oldest son not so much. I hate it! We also have 3 children together and he is great with them. I hate the guilt that I feel everyday when he is mean to my oldest, even though he is 23 we have been married for 16 yrs. and it never got any better with them. Good luck!

Sedia - posted on 06/22/2012

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Hello Dear,
My name is Miss Sedia, i saw your profile today and after going through it, i fill more interest to contact you ,i will like you to please send me an email at my email address via
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Alicia - posted on 01/26/2010

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NO WHEN HE MET YOU YOU HAD KIDS AND I AM SURE HE WAS WELL AWARE HE WILL NOT ONLY BE MARRYING YOU BUT ALSO YOUR KIDS YOU WERE A PACKAGE DEAL, I GUESS HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY OF HIS OWN OH WELL YOUR KIDS COME FIRST THERE IS TIME FOR EVERYTHING .

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