married a man who loves me but not MY kids

Debra - posted on 01/12/2010 ( 178 moms have responded )

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I married a man who acted like he loved my family 7 years ago after being a single mom for about 10 years. Now he only has time for ME and anytime the kids, 2 still liveing at home ,come out of their rooms he shakes his head and mumbles under his breath . He never involves them in anything we do . It's like all his free time is just for us with no kids. I have tried talking about the way I feel and it doesn't seem to sink in My kids were here before him and will be after he's gone if this keeps up . Am I wrong in feeling this way?

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Toni - posted on 01/26/2010

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Hi Debra.. no you are not wrong in your feelings.. I am suprised he's just doing this now.. usally they show signs of not being attentive to children right off the hop. If he's been like this for more than a year.. I don't think it will change..you could try going to the children and egnoring him until he does respond to you and the children at the same time. But by what I've read I don't believe this will happen. I am sorry to tell you this.. but once a man sets his demeanor its almost imposible to change it. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your boys. I am sure you will make the right decission..8-)

Robin - posted on 01/26/2010

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You say he loves you? He loves to control and dominate, you there is a difference. If he really loved you he would listen to you and do what he had to do to make things right. Your kids come 1st. My husband was in a bad mood a few weeks ago, and made my oldest daughter feel like he was mad because she was visiting, I told her he was in a bad mood, not to pay any attention, and made other excuses. BUT I WAS FURIOUS. I was so angry I avoided him for three days pondering how I really felt about it, and came to the conclusion that if my child or children feel unwelcome in our home, then maybe I need a home of my own. When my husband and I did talk, I just told him the same thing, He called and apologized to my daughter that very day. In his defense this is the 1st time in the 7 years that we have been together that he has ever been rude to my child, or children. But I told him in the beginning KIDS1st, then friends, then him. You need to stop it or it will only get worse!

Maria - posted on 01/26/2010

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Hello Debra,

So sorry you are in this situation. I was a single mom for years and now my girls are grown up with family of their own. I dated a man one time who had time for me and I thought he liked my girls, but one night he told me he did not like my kids or my cats------my girls are the world to me and still are ----sorry, but if you are a God person at all, it will show you in the Bible how important FAMILY is to each other, whether than be you as a single mom or a mother and father. We all have a responsbility to our children, no matter what the situation. You are right when you say your children were here before this person you married. When you marry someone, they are to accept your whole family, not just you. It takes two people to make something work. If you are doing all the trying and he is not---that is not good. Your children are affected by this and it will certainly make a much more difficult life as adults if this situation does not change. Your children need YOU and Him, but if he does not change the way he feels about the children---how can I say in a nice way----you have a big decision to make. Talk to him---and let him know how serious this is---if it does not sink in----unfortunately you have to choose. Give it a little more time, try to get him to understand how important family is and is you do not go to church now---now would be a good time and pray lots. God wants us all to be happy. If we live by the bible, the ten commandments and pray, God will always show you the way and I can promise you---you and your family will be happy. Remember Rome was not built in a day----the change in my life did ot happen overnight---I always put my children first------At 54 years old I finally found a man deserving of my time and now my children are all grown up and on their on with wonderful families and they have turned out the best-----I will pray for you Debra. Ask God, pray and that inner voice you hear---if it is good--never doubt it---he will show you what you must do. Have faith. God Bless xxxxxItalian Grandmother of 5 wonderful grandchildren-two wonderful daughter and two wonderful son-in-laws and a good man who loves my kids and me and I am a long haul truck driver--Life can be good

Michelle - posted on 01/25/2010

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I am really not sure what to say! i know the feeling of your husband not accepting your children, does he have his own, bet your expected to except them!, I know only one thing for sure , i worship the ground my kids walk on, they come first, lord knows i love my hubby, its really a hard line , mum needs to be happy for her kids to be happy!, talk about being torn APART????

[deleted account]

I understand what your going through having been there myself about 10 yrs ago . I tried to make it work but after 3 yrs i had to call it quiets .It was my choice to have children and their were my first Priories’ above all and everyone elts, If your man can't except your children no matter what age, Then he's not excepting you!

Rita - posted on 01/24/2010

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Oh I had to deal with this for years,My children are all grown and moved out now but the tension is always still there when they come to visit, it really makes it uncomfortable but the fact is they will one day move out and go there own way and you will be alone,I guess you just need to way your options, I chose to deal with it and hope for the best but yes it will probably always be hard,If I had it to do over again I wouldn"t stay.

Ana - posted on 01/24/2010

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I just went through something like this. I was dating when my daughter after a divorce when whe was 2 yrs old. When my daughter was 6 I became involved with a man with whom I had a son after 2 years dating. We lived together for 7 years. We finally broke up because he began to treat my son with preferential treatment and would yell at my daughter and call her nasty names. He didn't think she should be able to discipline her baby brother. I finally asked him to leave. It was the hardest decision of my life because I still love him. I just can't have him treating my daughter with the disrespect he started to show her. I warned him about it and he ignored me and continued to do it. It took about 2 years to finally ask him to leave because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to cope financially, but my mom is helping me because she wanted him out just as badly. I'm sorry to say so, but in my opinion, your new boyfriend needs to leave too. Your children have to come first.

Cheryl - posted on 01/22/2010

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It's natural for your motherly instincts to kick in to protect your kids. I'm in a very similar situation but my daughter is older. My husband loves me very much but, i sense he doesn't like my daughter very much. He complains about everything she does. Both our husbands have the same problem, they are jealous of the attention and love we give to our kids. They want us all to themselves. But, as you said our kids were here before him and no one will ever be more important to us then our kids. My advise to you is to tell your new husband that you have enough love for your kids and him too. And that if he loves you, then he must understand that a mothers love for her kids is eternal and you will not tolerate the way he treats them. Kids can sense when there is negative affection towards them. They will grow up to resent him. So if he wants a happy family, he has to try to love them as much as you do.

Natalie - posted on 01/22/2010

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oh Debra men are pigs sometimes. No you are not wrong in thinking that way. You and your two boys are too good for him. Yes they are good at making out that they like our children from a different relationship usually until they get what they want. Then the truth comes out about how childish they can really be. Your 2 boys are more precious to you than some looser who won't give them the time of day. Tell him you and your boys are worth more than that and that you can find better. Sometimes it is hard to understand why us women settle for second best when we don't have too. If he isn't going to listen to you tell him to take a hike with a one way ticket.

Kandy - posted on 01/22/2010

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You are not wrong, kids are too precious to put them through this. Sorry, but I have to say KICK HIM TO THE CURB!

[deleted account]

how long have you and your husband been married?i resently got coustody of my nephew.he came with his own set of problems.my husband did not get along with him,they allways seem to but heads.my kids are grown and have kids of their own.but a year later he now gets along with him,nephew hasnt worked his way into his heart yet but im working on that.give him some time and if that doesnt work ,your children need you more than him.tell him to get used to it or get out

Anne - posted on 01/21/2010

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my lads didn't put up with it - my 2nd husbands attitude to the boys changed completely when he got the ring on my finger - now after a few black eyes from them, he has learned the pecking order!

Donna - posted on 01/20/2010

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no your not, i've been married for 23 years in april, and my husband thought he would just get up and leave new years eve, and at the moment i'm the one dealing with the children, and he doesn't bother, but i am like you my kids come first,and there is nothing wrong with mums looking after there children.

Susan - posted on 01/20/2010

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listen,i had a son before i was remarried and i told him it was a package deal or no deal.my moto is my kids come first and if he dosent wont to be part of the kids life then me personaly i would kick him to the curb,if he dosent wont to listen to you and talk.

Stacey - posted on 01/20/2010

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Hi Debra, the truth is that if he loved you, he would love your children. There are no limitations to love, it is boundless. He does not deserve a good person like you, he is too selfish. You said it, your kids were there before him, you know what to do...I am always here for support..be strong and go forward with no fear..

Colleen - posted on 01/19/2010

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No, not at all! Your children should come first and he knew you had them when he married you. Did he think they were all of sudden going to disappear?! Seriously though...Try and see if he will go to counseling together or as a family. If he really loves you that much, there is a way to balance everything and have a happy life together!

Joyce - posted on 01/19/2010

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No, maybe something happened to suddenly make him feel resentful toward the kids, but if you can penetrate that wall, yes, your kids were there long before him. You need to give him that you came as a package with your kids.

Juliette - posted on 01/19/2010

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It sounds like you are a victim of being duped. After my divorce I was in a relationship with a man who was very generous financially towards my 2 children, but emotionally detached. I consulted God about the situation and left him after only 9 months of dating even though he wanted to marry me. I can tell you that there are always signs but sometimes we just aren't looking for them. I would suggest that you and your spouse get some Christian counseling soon. Children are very perceptive and the emotional damage can be very deeply rooted. I was a victim of emotional abuse as a child, so I know what I'm talking about. I had a step-father and a step-mother who tolerated me and my sisters. It was painful to feel so unloved. I struggled with low self-esteem for years until I met Jesus Christ.

Lori - posted on 01/19/2010

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how sad for your kidos. i believe parents are a major part of all the memories our kidos have of their childhood. i would be asking myself why i had to ask this questions.

Sylvia - posted on 01/19/2010

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Absolutely NOT! Your children while still living with you especially if they are minors are you first priority! It sounds to me like your husband doesn't know the true meaning of love. If he were truly IN LOVE with you he would accept and love your children as well. Will he try family counseling?

[deleted account]

I use to say the same things since I have a Husband who does not have kids either.....he is not interested in playing games, going to the movies....the things we like to do....he is 55 and I am 43.....my kids are teenagers!! He loves them but just is not interested in hanging with us.....he does spend time in his room doing what he likes to do.....watch documentaries and whatever else he likes to watch!! We do fine.....we do all hang out on occassion talking and laughing and sometimes a Bonfire at the beach but they are my kids and not his kids and I am good with the arrangement!! I make time for all of them......both of my kids now work.....17 and 19 and they come and go and we still fit in the time we hang together......I do give him reports of what is happening with the kids so he knows what is happening with them and he does love them and hugs them but just does not want to do the teenage hang out thing!! They are my kids not his kids and I don't expect him to be a parent since he chose not to be a parent!! I do the disciplining, talking, raising and he gives me advise about things and sometimes I listen and sometimes I don't......hope things work out and I helped you out just a little.....feel free to ask any questions I may have left out!!

Teresa - posted on 01/19/2010

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I was also in the same boat, however I jumped the gun and divorced this "wonderful to me" person. Maybe he doesn't have his own children around and feels left out whenever they are around. My husband said that I would leave him completely out of our conversations and such...I didn't think we did but he felt insecure and cause me to reject him ..Now my kids are grown with lives of their own and I regret having let him go...Yes your kids will always be your kids but who will keep you company in your old age...kids don't want to hang around with you if they can be with people their age..so u sit home getting older and babysitting? I don't think u want that kind of life...deal with it a little longer as long as he's not being abusive towards your children... you will be glad you did in the end. I regret letting mine go , we are still friends but he's with someone else now so no hope for reconciliation...

Paula - posted on 01/19/2010

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I hate to her you having to go through this in the first place. I have always thought when you are married it is God first spouse and then the children! i may be wrong but to really help the kids you have to work together as one when you said I do's! I hope that makes sense?

Linda - posted on 01/19/2010

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I have a delema and would like advice. I am in my second marriage, we both have children from our first marriages, all are grown and on their own. Now, when dthe kids were in our home we agreed that you have to put your kids needs first, now that they are gone, we agreed that we had to put each other and our marriage first. I have been able to do this and he has not, recently there was a bad situation with one of his son's and instead of my husband sticking with me he turned his back on me and totally took his son's side. This has caused a major trust issue for me, I feel so betrayed by him, our marriage has not been the same. I have tried talking to him about my feelings, but nothing has changed, he doesn't seem to want to reach out to me at all and I feel very alone. My question is should you still put your children first, above your spouse even after they are grown and on their own???

Laura - posted on 01/18/2010

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Sounds to me like he has disabilities not your children. I'm sure you were careful it's not your fault but if you choose to stay then it lays in your hands. It's obvious that you know what needs to be done for you and for those innocent ones. You will never regret choosing your kids over a man, I promise I know I have been there and I can tell you this you will regret staying if you choose that path, I wish I would have left sooner I only stayed for 2 years and the last year was when his true colors showed, I should have packed up right then and there, I tried talking etc but my God why in Gods name should anyone have to tell a grown man to be kind and not ignore any child? There is something wrong with him, he's jealous and selfish and doesnt sound like the kind of person you'd leave your kids with, would you let someone like that babysit your children? I dont think you would so you know what you need to do. I apologize if I sound harsh but when it come to little ones who count on us I cant see any other choice.You sound like a Good woman, mom..like I said earlier trust in your heart!

Debi - posted on 01/18/2010

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Debra, I married a man 8 years ago that was 44 at the time and had never had children. I raised my sons by myself, and as I told him before we married was that we came as bundle. Now both of my sons are grown and have Families of their own, and everytime they would visit I would have the quiet mood and he would not visit with the boys. Well this last August I packed my bags and was leaving, he got on his knees and cried and begged me to stay. I did, and we have worked through this problem. He told me that he felt like he couldn't say anything to my sons if they were doing something that he did not like, I told him this is his home, and that I would stand by him for saying anything to them as long as it was not a rude remark. This Christmas was the best family gathering I have had in 8 years. Had my sons their wives, and my 4 grandchildren here along with my husband.

Laura - posted on 01/18/2010

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No your not wrong! I was once married to a man who was the same way and my son was very young 4 yrs old at the time and still to this day he's 6 now he remembers the behavior of my EX Husband. Your husbands attitude is hurting your children and they feel his distance and resistance. I feel so bad for you. I left my husband because my children and I are a package deal and if he truly loved me he should have made the effort ..how hard is it to care and love a child?? My son is so happy and I promised him we would never go back. Your children are there forever and they need you more than he does and they Love you forever and obviously this so called man is limited and selfish and I know this must hurt you as well. I'm not saying that my choice is right for you but I do know that you are all your kids have and they count on you and no matter how hard you may try and cover or protect them from his lack of care for them..they feel it. My heat aches for you, I am now with someone who has embraced all 4 of my kids and treats them as well as he treats me and we are all happy, my children adore him and life is much better. I'll pray for you and your children that you find the best way for you all. You know what you need to do and in your heart you know the answers..... The world is a hard place and there are people out there who dont like us and dont want us around, say cruel things etc...Home should be a safe Haven for us all and imagine how those lovely children of yours feel or how you'd feel if it was you. You sound like a loving mother and I can see your children mean the world to you or you wouldnt have written and asked for help...trust yourself trust in what you know is true and right and you will make the right decision for you and most importantly those precious little hearts that You hold in your hands!! Good luck and if you ever need to talk look me up..Laura~

Judi - posted on 01/18/2010

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No Debra you are not wrong at all for feeling that way. I feel your pain. Just wanted you to now that . How old are the kids?

Martha - posted on 01/18/2010

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If your husband doesn't want to talk about it then you should divorce him! Your children are first no matter what! He knew that you had children before he married you. What does he expect you to do ignore your children for him? I don't think so!

Cindy - posted on 01/18/2010

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I had a man tell me that he wanted me to send my children to live with my mother so that we could be togather. I told him no, i couldn't do that, his response was "they are going to grow up and leave you' my response to him was "thats what theyare suspose to do as adults' but until that day comes my job is to be their mother no matter what, and no body comes before my children (only God). He didn't have anything to say after that and we broke up two months later. Your children are lent to you from God, not given to you, and its your job to always put them FIRST. My children are all grown and the only man that was with me while rearing them was God, girl that is all the man you need.
Be BLESSED.
P.S.Trust me wait on God and that special man is out their for all us single women. LADIES BE STRONG.
BLESSINGS

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get rid of him if he dont love the kids, how can he love you. they were ther first and you are right.

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Are you kidding me?? If he doesn't agree to go to counseling with you to help him see the light and change his ways, then I'm sorry to say, you have no choice but to dump his butt. Your children always come first and foremost. You can always get another husband, but your children can't just go get another mom. It is the responsibility we sign up for when we become parents. Everything we do affects our children. Don't think your kids don't notice, they do and it hurts them deeply. Your allegiance lies with those innocent children, not the selfish oaf you are married to.

Donna - posted on 01/17/2010

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no you're not wrong,but he is jealous of your kids.try asking him does he envyyour kids.

Sandy - posted on 01/17/2010

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honestly just had the conversation with my daughter, you were a package deal, and if he is not treating you as such, here comes the curb!!

Donna - posted on 01/17/2010

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NO. You are not wrong. I'm living that same life after many years. My children 29 and 30 still dislike him. He is no better now than the first day we met. I'm not even sure why I stay with him now. I guess I feel pity for him. He has no one else. I gave up a long time ago and just feel guilty for what could have been had I told him to get lost all those years ago. By the way, I am 55 and he is a very young 40. Kids should come first in a second relationship. What annoys me is the fact that he denies that he dislikes the kids when he never has anything nice to say to them when they come by to see me.

Janet - posted on 01/17/2010

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no you are not wrong in what you are feeling at all,he should think of the kids just as much as you,it,s not right that he treats them like that at all,that,s just my advice , i am a single mom as well ,and if the right man comes along and does not treat my kids right, i wlll not except him at all, hope you don,t mind my advice.

Olga - posted on 01/17/2010

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No, you are not wrong feeling that this guy is insensitive you what you need as a father figure for your kids. Do you need this guy in your life to survive? You dont need him and your children are getting no benefit, besides maybe financial support from this man. If you have tried talking to him and nothing has changed, then he is not wanting the same things as you. Dont waste more time, as it does not wait for this man, you or your children to grow up until they are not a burden to him. Let your children know that they are important to you and YES, they were in your life first and will always be.

Joy - posted on 01/17/2010

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I've been divorced for over ten years, and am still single because I haven't found someone who will accept the whole package. I have been dating a man for four years, but he just doesn't want to deal with my kids. I have three teenagers, and two grandbabies who live with me, and it would be a relief to have some help, but I'm not willing to compromise when it comes to the kids. If we all aren't loved...........then it's a no go.......

Linda - posted on 01/17/2010

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My dear lady. Wow!!!!! You know life is funny sometime. As a christian mother I would suggest to pray and bless your husband. I bless you and your children. Marriage if so powerful. I know you feel hurt inside. Imagine these poor innocent children. I feel that they are abandon and feel rejected. Sometimes we are lonely and feel we need love and get rid of that loneliness. We don't make the right choices in our lives. In my words all I can say is that love marriage and children should be equal in all aspects of your life. Nobody can tell you what to do. Ask yourself is it worth the resentment your children feel. Ask yourself as a mother to your children. Love comes from the deepest of the soul. Everyday you wake up and feel that something is not right. Frankly the stress of your life will always be there. What do you value more in your life. Ask yourself isn't true love. What will happen to my kids when they get older. Your are shattering there life and the quilt is alot to bear. I bless you and I will pray.

Robyn - posted on 01/17/2010

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Absolutely not. I have the same issue, and quite frankly divorce may be the only answer for me. My kids come first regardless.

Ana - posted on 01/17/2010

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I was involved in a relationship after my divorce. I have two beautiful kids. I thought the man I was with loved my children but he would scream at me in front of them and was not there when I needed him most during a tragic situation in my life. Debra men come and go, but your children are yours forever. If he doesn't accept them, he doesn't deserve your love and respect. Talk with him but they don't change - they get worse. Good luck to you and God bless.

Jacky - posted on 01/17/2010

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No your not wrong to feel that way, it should be love me,love my kids. I was in a relationship like this for about 12 years and I was putting him before my kids. Then one day he just dumped me over the phone, nice man!! I soon realised that that was the biggest favour he could ever have done for me. I was silly enough to think that a love of a man was better than the love of my kids and its not my boys are my life

Lisa - posted on 01/17/2010

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Debra,

I too was a single parent for about 5 years with two daughters. When I met my husband my girs were 15 and 9. He did not immediately care about dating a women with 2 kids, especially a teenager. We dated for about 3 years before we got married. When my youngest daughter turned 15 all hell cut loose. She was doing drugs, coming home drunk and sneaking out of the window. All of this happened at the same time as my son was born. Although my husband cares for my girls and is very proud of them, he doesn't love them like a biological father would, and I don't expect him to.



During the years of turmoil with my daughter, he was very paitient and very supportive but never did he interfere with discipline or treat her like she was an outsider.



Your husband doesn't have to love your children and you shouldn't expect him to, but he does have to treat them with respect and dignity. Men are just adult boys and unfortunately they need coaching on how to be good fathers. Maybe he feels alienated. Most likely it is not the children he is angry with but rather you because he doesn't have enough time with just you. New fathers often suffer from the same kind of thing when new mothers no longer have the time to wrap their whole lives around their husbands. I urge you to get counseling. You're already in the marriage and booting him to the curb could be more devastating to your children than keeping him. Show him through example that you intend to stand by your children and that you would like for him to stand with you.

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