married a man who loves me but not MY kids

Donna - posted on 01/17/2010

no you're not wrong,but he is jealous of your kids.try asking him does he envyyour kids.

Sandy - posted on 01/17/2010

honestly just had the conversation with my daughter, you were a package deal, and if he is not treating you as such, here comes the curb!!

Donna - posted on 01/17/2010

NO. You are not wrong. I'm living that same life after many years. My children 29 and 30 still dislike him. He is no better now than the first day we met. I'm not even sure why I stay with him now. I guess I feel pity for him. He has no one else. I gave up a long time ago and just feel guilty for what could have been had I told him to get lost all those years ago. By the way, I am 55 and he is a very young 40. Kids should come first in a second relationship. What annoys me is the fact that he denies that he dislikes the kids when he never has anything nice to say to them when they come by to see me.

Janet - posted on 01/17/2010

no you are not wrong in what you are feeling at all,he should think of the kids just as much as you,it,s not right that he treats them like that at all,that,s just my advice , i am a single mom as well ,and if the right man comes along and does not treat my kids right, i wlll not except him at all, hope you don,t mind my advice.

Olga - posted on 01/17/2010

No, you are not wrong feeling that this guy is insensitive you what you need as a father figure for your kids. Do you need this guy in your life to survive? You dont need him and your children are getting no benefit, besides maybe financial support from this man. If you have tried talking to him and nothing has changed, then he is not wanting the same things as you. Dont waste more time, as it does not wait for this man, you or your children to grow up until they are not a burden to him. Let your children know that they are important to you and YES, they were in your life first and will always be.

Joy - posted on 01/17/2010

I've been divorced for over ten years, and am still single because I haven't found someone who will accept the whole package. I have been dating a man for four years, but he just doesn't want to deal with my kids. I have three teenagers, and two grandbabies who live with me, and it would be a relief to have some help, but I'm not willing to compromise when it comes to the kids. If we all aren't loved...........then it's a no go.......

Kim - posted on 01/17/2010

Im having the same problem but when hes asked about it he says he loves them

Linda - posted on 01/17/2010

My dear lady. Wow!!!!! You know life is funny sometime. As a christian mother I would suggest to pray and bless your husband. I bless you and your children. Marriage if so powerful. I know you feel hurt inside. Imagine these poor innocent children. I feel that they are abandon and feel rejected. Sometimes we are lonely and feel we need love and get rid of that loneliness. We don't make the right choices in our lives. In my words all I can say is that love marriage and children should be equal in all aspects of your life. Nobody can tell you what to do. Ask yourself is it worth the resentment your children feel. Ask yourself as a mother to your children. Love comes from the deepest of the soul. Everyday you wake up and feel that something is not right. Frankly the stress of your life will always be there. What do you value more in your life. Ask yourself isn't true love. What will happen to my kids when they get older. Your are shattering there life and the quilt is alot to bear. I bless you and I will pray.

Glenys - posted on 01/17/2010

SO WHATS MORE IMPORTANT YOUR HAPPINESS OR THEIR SECURITY X

Robyn - posted on 01/17/2010

Absolutely not. I have the same issue, and quite frankly divorce may be the only answer for me. My kids come first regardless.

Ana - posted on 01/17/2010

I was involved in a relationship after my divorce. I have two beautiful kids. I thought the man I was with loved my children but he would scream at me in front of them and was not there when I needed him most during a tragic situation in my life. Debra men come and go, but your children are yours forever. If he doesn't accept them, he doesn't deserve your love and respect. Talk with him but they don't change - they get worse. Good luck to you and God bless.

Jacky - posted on 01/17/2010

No your not wrong to feel that way, it should be love me,love my kids. I was in a relationship like this for about 12 years and I was putting him before my kids. Then one day he just dumped me over the phone, nice man!! I soon realised that that was the biggest favour he could ever have done for me. I was silly enough to think that a love of a man was better than the love of my kids and its not my boys are my life

Lisa - posted on 01/17/2010

Debra,

I too was a single parent for about 5 years with two daughters. When I met my husband my girs were 15 and 9. He did not immediately care about dating a women with 2 kids, especially a teenager. We dated for about 3 years before we got married. When my youngest daughter turned 15 all hell cut loose. She was doing drugs, coming home drunk and sneaking out of the window. All of this happened at the same time as my son was born. Although my husband cares for my girls and is very proud of them, he doesn't love them like a biological father would, and I don't expect him to.



During the years of turmoil with my daughter, he was very paitient and very supportive but never did he interfere with discipline or treat her like she was an outsider.



Your husband doesn't have to love your children and you shouldn't expect him to, but he does have to treat them with respect and dignity. Men are just adult boys and unfortunately they need coaching on how to be good fathers. Maybe he feels alienated. Most likely it is not the children he is angry with but rather you because he doesn't have enough time with just you. New fathers often suffer from the same kind of thing when new mothers no longer have the time to wrap their whole lives around their husbands. I urge you to get counseling. You're already in the marriage and booting him to the curb could be more devastating to your children than keeping him. Show him through example that you intend to stand by your children and that you would like for him to stand with you.

Kim - posted on 01/17/2010

Hello debra, don't wait for him to make the choice. It's not fair to your children. They might see it as mine did. You have chosen him over them. Remove the problem and the children will be there for you. Wait and have another relationship when the kids are grown. Thats what I am doing and it has brought my children and I closer.

Adrienne - posted on 01/17/2010

no you are not wrong. same thing happened to me, and after years, i left him. the damage it was causing my kids and the heartbreak it was causing me was not worth staying with him. i yelled, i cried and nothing worked so i left. it was hard and scary, but the details always work themselves out when you follow what's best for your kids. if you stay with him, and he continues this, it will ruin your kids and break your heart.

Pamela - posted on 01/17/2010

I have lived with a guy for 10 years now who is rude & ignors my daughter. He has 3 kids from his previouse marriage and they are perfect... NOT! yet my daughter is top in her class, very inteligent, large circle of friends yet he and his kids treat her like she is nothing. It hurts so much I set and cry a lot. I would never marry him because of this. I try to mention what he dose to her is hurting both of us and he denys he is. If I could leave I would and we both know this. She will be off to college in the fall and has informed me if I want to see her I will have to go to her she will not come home and be around him any more. This hurts but I understand her point of view. 10 years is enough for her. Why do men have to be such jerks?

Janice - posted on 01/17/2010

hello I'm Janice 48 widow for 10yrs i have 4 young adult children and a 6 yr old grandson my oldest son and oldest daughter and grandson live with me ANYONE i date know that were a package deal you never know when something in life may come up and one of your children need to return home temporarily

Angelique - posted on 01/16/2010

Hi Debra its time to kick that husband to the curb Get rid of him!
when a man marry's you with kids its a package deal.
If he loves you he should love those kids as well and if he dont that means he is not the man for you.

Susie - posted on 01/16/2010

I agree!

Sheri - posted on 01/16/2010

Get rid of him because it only hurts the kids

Susie - posted on 01/16/2010

Frankly, he would be gone! Your kids are more important, and, there is someone out there who will love you and your kids. He needs to go.

Yvette - posted on 01/16/2010

oh hun you are not wrong in feeling the way you do. i have been a single parent twice. my second husband acted the same way with my oldest daughter and then we had 3 more. he treated her like crap and she stopped having anything to do with him from the age of 11 when we split up. he started off ignoring her and then just became abusive to us all. i understand how it feels to have someone love you or at least act like they do but remember your children are a part of you and always will be. I noticed that you mentioned they have learning disabilities and that makes it all the more difficult. children like that need alot of attention, love and most of all they need to feel wanted ... tension will not help their situation at all. don';t wasted too much of your time trying to talk to him. if he is not listening now he will not listen later and if it gets too uncomfortable for you having to play go between with him and the kids then you lose any chance at enjoying the time you do have with the children or him. its not easy making a go of it on your own but if it were me in that situation i would repeat what i did with my last one. if you cannot respect my children and love them for who they are then you are not respecting me and how you can you say or believe he truly loves you. he is driving a wedge or at least trying too drive a wedge between you and your children. don't let him do that. they need you more than he ever will. show him whats most important to you and tell him to shape up or you and your children will move forward without him. you don't need a half loving home... don't let your children fool you... they know when they are wanted and when they are not. you cannot make up for his feelings no matter how hard you try but you can show them that to you they are the world and he comes second ... not them and not you. good luck hun..... prayers are sent for you.

Kathy - posted on 01/16/2010

I too married a guy that treated my kids that way. It is called emotional abuse. I eventually divorced him and moved on. i can share with you that i still am dealing with the aftermath. My kids have alot of anger, i could not see everything that was transpiring in that situation. I caution you too see the situation for what it is. and get out now. I would not wish on anyone what i have had to go thru as a result of just wanting a relationship. My children are now grown and my relationship with them is damaged. I have grandchildren now and one of them i am not allowed to see because my child is still so angry. I love my kids more than life itself, i never thought for one moment that it would turn out like this. Listen to the kids watch how they react to his negativity. That is a good and honest way of making the decision. I believe that men like that are insecure and in my case i beleive that he was a borderline personality. Good luck
Kathy
P.S. Your situation is almost identical to mine, I was single for 10 yrs also

Lisa - posted on 01/16/2010

Your kids should be your number 1. You should have dumped him as soon as he started to treat your kid poorly. Get rid of him before your kids feel the hate.

Mary - posted on 01/16/2010

OH boy, this is difficult. You know that saying,"No one will love you like I do"? Well, often times (not always) there are situations when two find each other with youngsters in toe and lets all be honest here, young ones are so cute and fun. The problem is when they get into their teens and they want to challenge what we say etc., all of the sudden it can feel frustrating and uncomfortable. I know I am drawing some of my own conclusions but if in fact this is what is going on then maybe it's time for a family meeting or first honest heart to heart about how he is feeling or thinking. As a mother who births children we have a bond so strong it takes a lot to be broken and if someone took on the roll as a parent it takes more work and effort to bond with children that are not their own. Hope this helps...

Jo - posted on 01/16/2010

Kick him to the curb Debra! He knew you had children when he married you.I have to wonder what will he do when you have grandchildren?

Nancy - posted on 01/16/2010

wow, that is a bummer. I've been there and still have no answers for you. It's a sad way to live, for you and the kids. Nothing like being in the way.
I'm feel sad for you.

DARLETTA - posted on 01/16/2010

That is unacceptable and if you continue to put up with this behavior nothing will change. Your children and you are a package deal and you should have made that clear before you got married

Dianne - posted on 01/16/2010

I can relate to this as I am in the same situation. My husband has tried to play the happy family and he has 2 children of his own from a previous marriage - we dont see them anymore....thats another story. Two of my children left home and they say it is mainly because of him but there were other things too. He has tried treating them like his own but as I was a widow, it was different for him as the girls were always with us and there was no respite. They couldnt go and stay with their father like a divorce situation and yes, he loved me but didnt have to love my children. Now we are 8 years down the track and he has a relationship with two of my girls and we are moving interstate so just one will be living with us and they get on well after a bumpy ride. It is hard and hopefully when your boys have grown up life will be easier. I really dont think men listen too well, ultimately, they look out for themselves and are quite selfish creatures. You really have two options - either leave him or come to terms with the fact that you have two separate relationships - you and your boys and you and your husband. If we learn to live with a situation and accept it wont change then life is easier. You will end up resenting everyone if you keep trying to make a happy family when you are the only one wanting it. Hope this helps.

Elizabeth - posted on 01/16/2010

Show him this thread. Then tell him to shape up or SHIP OUT. It's that simple. NO man (or woman) is worth having around if they can't accept you (and your children are part and parcel) the way you are!
At this time he's just excess baggage if he's not a FULL partner.
Good luck and all the best to you!

Laura - posted on 01/16/2010

No, screw him, pack his bags sister, throw him out... when you gave birth, your kids became first in your life. Not a choice it's a obligation....If jhe doesn't like your kids thats to dang bad. After all this time he should have become attached to the kids. Definetly not the man of your dreams....

Ginny - posted on 01/16/2010

I hope your kids are not spending all of their time in their rooms.

I knew a woman who married a man and then threw her teenaged son out since the new man didn't want him there.

Our children deserve decent treatment, even if he fails to love them, he should be curteous and decent to them.

you don't mention their ages, but all kids know when they aren't wanted. How awful for all of you.

Sharon - posted on 01/16/2010

There should have been signs before the marriage. I'm a single parent now and I have dated a few that only wanted time with me never asked about my kids. I don't bring any one around them untill I know where he stands on family and he must have a kid(s) of his own. I also listen to my kids. It gets lonely I know but like you said Your kids were there first an will be when he's gone. I know you love this guy but at what cost?? Get out while your kids are still speaking to you and they dont blame you for putting this man first over them. there are more fish in the sea. take care

Mary - posted on 01/16/2010

No, your feelings are not wrong. Please seek professional family counseling on this. I spent 3 years working for MHMR agencies and the problem you describe is very common among families with children that have disabilities. (1 parent devoted to the child(ren) w/disabilities, 1 parent ignoring them) Divorce rate among these families is higher than the norm. If you contact your county MHMR agency they should be able to refer you to a reputable & if necessary, affordable professional. If your spouse refuses to see a counselor with you, you & your children go without him, at least you and the kids will get help in coping with the emotional impact his behavior is undoubtedly having on all of you. A knowledgeable family counselor can also arm you with the mental & emotional tools you need to gain perspective and take proper, positive actions to resolve the problem. Hopefully, as you & your kids get the help you need, your husband will come around and join you. If not, at least you'll have the support & strength of a professional community behind you, whatever choices you make in regards to your relationship. Hope all works out well for you & your kids.

Patricia - posted on 01/16/2010

I know just as in all aspects of life we all have our own experiences and opinions. I say when they are young and you must care for them then your children are part of the package and any man (or woman) you end up w/needs to accept that. I've known women that wouldn't except the children of the man they hooked up with. When they are grown it does make a difference. Just as you might not care for who your child decides to be with it is their choice and they don't (or shouldn't) choose based on whether or not you get along with him/her. The same goes for you. It's your choice as long as you are happy. Your adult children and your significant other may not care for each other and not wish to spend time together but they need to respect each other. It happens. Not everyone gets along. I'm just saying when they are young it's important that he doesn't make them feel they aren't cared for. Once they are grown they make their own decisions. You can't force people to like each other and you can't base your relationships are whether they and your (adult) children care for each other or not. As my children put it "as long as your happy". When they were younger they couldn't see me w/anyone but their dad (yes kids can play a big role in not getting along). One relationship I had they liked each other but it didn't last. The next they didn't care for & it was not a good choice on my part. This time (as adults) they were leery but felt as long as I'm happy and they gave each other respect. They aren't best buds but they know he's there if they need him and he cares deeply for me. Since they've been through relationships they know you can't please everyone.

Christie - posted on 01/16/2010

I married my second husband when my children were 11 & 9. I could not understand why they cried when I told them that we were getting married. When we were all together he was great with them - but I found out later that when I was not around he was very dismissive - not abusive - just didn't concern himself with them. I thought the tears were because their hope of of their father and I reuniting was gone - WRONG! Things were ok as long as "my kids" as he referred to them stayed out of his way.He would tell me to tell "my kids" to do something with them standing right there. He blatantly refused to address them. I had a job that forced me to travel twice a year - once in the spring and once in the fall - and he made it very clear that he was not going to be there to watch "my kids". Frankly - I didn' want them around him when I was not there so they would stay with friends. All I can tell you is the marriage was over after 5 years. It lasted 5 years too long!! My children who are 18 & 21 still talk about how horrible that experience was for them and they both were in counseling to deal with it. I still wrestle with the guilt - he made it clear that I was either his wife or their mom! I am blessed to have found an awesome man who loves the children and is good to them! We hae been married 2 years and my 18 yr old son is closer to him than he is to his birth father. I won't tell you life is perfect - blended families are very difficult. He has a 12yr old son whoes mom passed away from breast cancer when he was 6. We definately have had our struggles - but God is the great redeemer!! I won't drag on with my story any more - but - PUT THE CHILDREN FIRST. Will keep you in my prayers - I know how rough it is!!!

Rosalind - posted on 01/16/2010

No. You are not wrong. Never pick a man over your kids. Kids are forever, men come and go. Sorry that he showed his real self after the marriage, but if he truly loves you, he will accept and interact with your kids as well. It doesn't matter that they are grown and living at home. He should incorporate them into his life as well.

Ramona - posted on 01/16/2010

My mom married someone who did'nt love me and she tried to make it up to me. She stayed married to him for 30+ years. When she died in 2006 I took on taking care of him and I resent it. I think my mother would have been better off without him and your kids are probably thinking that too. Life is too short to live like that. Give him a choice. Love me Love my kids.

Patricia - posted on 01/16/2010

No you aren't wrong. I could see if your kids were grown. Then they just need to show respect for each other. Otherwise, he needs to grab a clue because the kids are part of the package. I would hope he would feel the same if the situation was reversed. Wondering what changed after 7 yrs. I don't really believe in counseling but if you can't communicate to see what the issue is it could help. If you love each other it's worth it. Otherwise, sad to say you might have to let him go. Tough/sad situation.

Denise - posted on 01/16/2010

i used to date( luckily never married the guy) for 8 years, first acted like he was all excited about kids but his true colors showerd through. I left him and now am married to a man that loves me and my 2 children. we just became grandparents of my daughter and you had to fight my husband off so you could hold our grandson. You will definitely alwyas have problems and your children may grow up not liking you as well. I am not going to tell you what to do but getting that guy out of my life was the best thing i ever did!!

Gaye - posted on 01/16/2010

This is just my view but If I was in your situation I would be gone. Your kids should come first. Why should they have to feel like they are inconvenices? why should they feel like they are intruding? You are their mother first & a wife second, if he can't understand that then I would be out the door without a second look. Love me love my kids I say... If your boys have learning difficulties than they will be totally relying on you to be their strength, to stand up & defend them, to be their MOTHER. Dont let any excuse from "what will I do if I leave? " or "where will I go" or I can't afford to get out" or I will be lonely" to do the right thing. Your boys deserve to be treated as an equal part of your family if they are treated like they are not wanted there, you can be sure that they will grow up feeling like they are not wanted anywhere & that they dont measure up. They just want to be loved & feel wanted. Tell your husband that if he doesn't change his ways & treat those boys with the respect that they deserve then you will leave. Sorry for being so blunt, but you asked & I told. Good luck

Ayse - posted on 01/16/2010

i would show him the door sorry to say, your kids should be your life first the your partner no love for kids no love for me show him the door your better off without him.

Lisa - posted on 01/16/2010

no you are not wrong to feel this ,men chose ready made families and then feel they have gotten in over their heads,i thank god after my 18mo. old and 5 yr olds father died we found a real man.sometimes i think he got w/ me for the kids lol

Connie - posted on 01/16/2010

Hey Debra,

As far as I am concerned, it's a package deal. Your children are an extension of you and whether he likes it or not your children should come first, unless they are of an age to be fending for themselves. Unless they are Extremely diruptive children and don't know how to act around others then they should be included unless he has planned a strictly romantic outing just for the 2 of you. You should be considered a family unit and that would by all means include the children. Give him a dose of his own medicine. Shake your head and mumble whenever he comes into the room. See how he likes it. If he can't see how that makes you feel then he shouldn't be there at all.

That's just my opinion. Good luck. But remember, if the children are under the age of 18, THEY COME FIRST. Unless of course they are over 18 and are mentally challenged and depend on you caring for them.

Happy Trails, Connie

Alicia - posted on 01/15/2010

You are not wrong in any way! Your children are an extension of you,so therefore if he doesn't love you he doesn't love your children. Thi is only an opinion though.

Deb - posted on 01/15/2010

No you are not! Was in a similar situation and let's just say after 5 long years and his mistreatment of my children, I pulled my head out of my butt and told him to leave!

Becky - posted on 01/15/2010

First, you should ask him what he is "mumbling under his breath" about, and then you might suggest to him that he has 2 choices: #1) he goes to counseling with you so you can get this taken care of and #2) if he refused to go to counseling and does not change his sorry behavior towards your sons, you will take action to protect yourself and your sons from his emotional abuse.

Good luck and God bless.

Michelle - posted on 01/15/2010

I have been threw the same thing. When me and my husband (2), got together I had 3 small kids, and he had 1. I had been a single parent for 6 years and it was a big adjustment for the kids. I was always laid back and not overly strict, and they kids had me all to theirselves. Well when we got married, my kids totally resented my husband, and his rules. He tried to get my kids active in sports, and fishing, etc. After time, they just stayed in their rooms and only came out to eat..This went on for a few years, and finally I got tired of being pulled to many ways, so me and my children moved out..That was the most horrible year of my life!! By this time, my kids were in their late teens..Finally I told them I was tired of missing my husband, and we all moved back. Beleive me it was very stressful at times, but you have to remember, who will be there for you when your kids are grown and living on their own? We still have 1 at home, and now are talking about adoption. You really need to tell your husband your concerns, and if he doesnt want to try and be a daddy, then you dont need him.

Kelly - posted on 01/15/2010

married the wrong man..shouldn't choose anyone over your children..my mom did it my entire childhood..I'm 46..still effects me to this day and God rest her sole I'm sure she regretted it in her final days...think real hard about your choices,yes we deserve happiness but our children don't have many choices..PLEASE PUT THEM ABOVE ALL ELSE.

Debra - posted on 01/15/2010

Heck no Honey you said he loves you well to love you is to love your kids,A fter all they are apart of you and thats all should matter to him. I also married a man he has three kids i had two his lived 1000 miles away so i had mine full time as i was raising my girls by myself and i like i told him to love me is to also love my kids they are mine, We have been together now 22 yrs and his love for me and my girls and now Granddaughters has grown as my love for his kids and his grandbabies , who all now live close to us but one she is still in New York.