Mom 55... son 14.. AAKK! LOL

Karen - posted on 03/09/2010

Thank you ALL for your replies and advise!
I'm not in good health, I've had 7 strokes, use a cane. Had to learn to speak, walk, type and spell again (still learning, heh).

The grandmother is his Dad's mom. She is quite smothering actualy.

She will come over and just walk in, go to my son's room. Sit on his bed when he is asleep and pet his hand and push his hair off his face and say. 'You are all I have left of Steven (His dad). I realy don't think this is healthy for either of them. I've tried to talk to her but she is quite touchie on the subject. He took her son's death quite hard and 5 years later still in deep mourning.

We have God! But my son has refused to go to church other than church camp since his fathers passing. He is almost 6' tall, I can't cary him into the car.

His older brother lives in North Pole, Alaska. We are in middle Michigan. It would be AWSOME if they could have a relationship. They have only met face to face twice in his life.

My daughter lives there with him. He is a youth pastor at North Pole Assembly of God. They just recently met again and spent a little time together... but.. My first husband (Jon's Dad.) Had been fighting cancer for the last year and passed just a few weeks ago.

The reason for my absence from this thread. We got to be with him the last 2 days of his life. Then he went home to God with no more pain or suffering. With his whole family at his side. My son wrote amazing blog posts about the last 2 days with him. www.therumfelts.com. If you would like to read them.

He is an amazing man of God and can put his heart in words. They are posed latest post first. Click read more to go back to the 2 letters.

We are basicly alone now.

I've gone to the school. They just say 'counseling'. He was in football wich actualy gave him incentive. He did OK in his grades. Just enough to keep him on the team.
I took him to every practice with food and drinks. Clean uniform. I went to every game. I cheered him on. Gave him all the support I could. So glad he was finaly happy doing something.

Since the season ended, so did his interest. I did get him to go with me one time to family counseling! My theripist just made general conversation to try to make him feel comfortable. Jeremiah's reason for not wanting to go was he had bad memory's from the last time... when they were trying to get the abuse talked through and get his dad and him back together. It was hard. Jeremiah felt his dad hated him. Was haunting him. Was afraid to sleep alone. Made me put cardboard over the windows. Said his dad was looking in at him.

He was only 9, was so sudden, so sad, so abusive. I've got another appointment this week. The only step I have left is to go to court and force him to go. But I don't want to do that. He has had enough put on him already.

His new friends are not so great. The guys from the football team don't come around much (I'd like him to hang with them better). He has lots of girls after him. LOL.. I'm also afraid he will 'go to far' with then trying to find the lost love from his dad.

sigh.. well. Yacked off enough for now. Try to get back to this thread soon as I can. Answer anthing else I can.

THANK you for your prayers, thoughts and advise!

Donna - posted on 03/08/2010

You need to force him into counseling. If he doesn't get some help his problems will only escalate. This is way too much to face by himself.I am suprised the school system hasn't stepped in. They can help.

Diana - posted on 03/08/2010

Karen:

You have gone through so much! Prayer is helpful Karen...without Jehovah God in your life and in your child's life there is nothing. Sit down with him ...talk to him late at night...softly and camnly...

Carine - posted on 03/07/2010

You`ve had a bad time, thats true. Right now your son is angry for being in the situation he is and there is nothing he can do about it. I sometimes think teenagers are just angry at the whole world for no reason at all. Do not try to understand everything, just be there for him, tell him you love him , even if he scoffs at this. Right now you need as much support as he and if you have friends or family that want to support you, do not turn their help away. This is whats going to give you all the strenght you need. Love, love and love being loved. There are people who will help and love you and one day, you and your son will be able to talk about things that bother both of you again. Good luck.

Debra - posted on 03/06/2010

Hi I also have three kids. Mu oldest is 30 and I have two boys 10 and 12.I know exactly how you are feeling. I like being an older mom. the problems you are having will go away soon.

Deb - posted on 03/05/2010

What a sad time, for both of you. If he won't talk to you, is there anyone at school? A guidance counselor? A teacher he feels close to? Hang in there, it gets better.

Joan - posted on 03/05/2010

hi

i was wondering if you have had him evaluated for depression? sounds like he may be overwhelmed. he's probably trying to deal with the rejection of his father as well. i would find a psychiatrist and tell them about all that has gone on and ask for a full evaluation. don't let him refuse. you wouldn't let him refuse if he were bleeding would you? please have him evaluated.

best of luck

Fiona - posted on 03/05/2010

Oh Karen, that's a lot of shit for one woman to shovel! First of all, are YOU ok? In your position, anyone would be struggling, believe me. Sympathy aside, you need some support. You say you are now in the town where his Grandmother lives - is this your mother or your partners? If yours, you probably have a built-in shoulder to cry on. If your son's dad's mother, could she spend some time with your son, perhaps going over some old photographs of his dad when he was young, remembering good times, and funny quirky things his dad did. Develop this relationship (if you can, remembering she will be grieving too) and it will be better than any amount of counselling you can put in place. Your son being 14, his friends will have more influence over his behaviour than you at the moment (this is a normal part of growing up and will pass). Who are his friends? Do you feel able to approach any of their parents and ask for help, advice, someone unbiased to talk with your son. I know a lot of my daughter's friends, and my foster boy's friends (years ago, my boys are now in their 30s - yike) felt more comfortable talking to me than to their own parents. Got a bit tricky with confidentiality sometimes, but we all got through it. Again, this is not a rejection of YOU but connections your son may make with the world outside his family circle (again, normal for his age). Finally, enlist the help of your elder son. He may be willing to mentor your son, and be a big buddy for him. Good luck, Karen, it's all hard, but you will come through this. Feel free to chat with me any time. xx Fiona