mother and grandmother all at once.

Sylvia - posted on 02/08/2012

My daughter just moved out in september, but I still have her baby 5 days a week. I did tell her that I would take him two to three times a weeek so I could spend time with him. And i find it hard to say no. And now she don,t have clothes that fit him cuz her boyfriend just lost his job, and i can,t afford to buy them. So pleade if any of you ladies live in campbell river bc and have baby clothes in sizes 18 months to a size two that you don,t want please call me at 250-850-0973 thank u

Sofia - posted on 02/07/2012

A little more info would be helpful. How old is your daughter? Is bio dad involvved at all? Bio dad's family? Anyone working to support themselves or going to school?



I think the general rule, whatever the case may be in your situation, is this: When your teen makes a very grown-up choice and decides to play house, e.g have a baby, then they need to realize that there are consequences to their choices.



You as a mom, can be supportive & loving. But at the same time understand this is your GRANDCHILD, not your child. DO NOT take the parenting experience away from your kid.They might do alot of things wrong but they will do somethings right. It's going to be one of those "you live and learn" type of situations.



When you see things go awry, talk to your daughter respectfully, not down to her, and try to figure out how things can be done differently to get a better outcome. If she is resistant, you might have to let it go and let her learn on her own. You can also encourage to get involve with services for teen parents. Sometimes kids will listen to strangers (social workers, etc) more than their parents. Remeber that becoming a parent doesnt automatically make them an adult. In their teen "brain" parents just dont understand! (Will Smith couldnt have said it better)

Jar Of - posted on 02/03/2012

I became a grandmother two weeks ago, baby girl was born January 18th,2012. In-spite of the turmoil and pain between my daughter and myself over the past two years and throughout her pregnancy, I did feel an overwhelming connection to baby girl. I wanted to help and support. I also felt that the arrival of baby girl could be the begining of the healing between my daughter and I



After two years of living with an 'out of control' teenager, my daughter moved out and went to live with her Dad, my ex husband. I was relieved when she moved out as I yearned for some peace and I had three other children who were been affected by my oldest daughter's extremely bad behaviour. Within a couple of months living with her Dad, she became pregnant but I'm not blaming him, I could see it coming for months beforehand. I had put her on the pill but I believe she was determined to have this baby.



I was extremely hurt by her getting pregnant and I wanted her to have an abortion. She could have had no doubt that I would be devastated by such news particularly since I put her on the pill and pleaded with her not to get pregnant.



At the early stage of her pregnancy, I called a meeting with all parties (including the father of the baby and his family) and it was decided by consciences that she would keep the baby and that she would continue to reside at her Dad's house after the baby was born and that both herself and the baby would spend every weekend at the paternal grandmother's house, where the baby's father also resides. The baby's father is allowed to visit my daughter and his baby as much as he wants but he is not allowed to stay overnight (my ex husband's rule). Again, my daughter is refusing to accept boundaries and rules and is continuing to create as much havoc as possible to get her own way .I thought the birth of her baby would change the bad behaviour, but unfortunately the arrival of baby girl doesn't appear to have made any difference where her behaviour is concerned. I have suggested setting up a meeting with all parties in order to solve issues, but my daughter has sent me a text threatening me that if I attempt to talk to anyone, she will refuse me access to her and baby girl.



This situation is exasperated by the fact that as I've discovered of late, that the baby's father does not want me to have anything to do with baby girl.This I think stems from me wanting my daughter not to keep the baby initially. He has treated me with contempt, hostility, aggression and ridicule. When I've tried to defend myself, both himself and my daughter have behaved extremely passive aggressive towards me. It would appear that to both of them, I'm public enemy No. 1. The strange thing is that there have been a couple of occasions this week whilst it was just me, my daughter and the baby, the connection was good and pleasant.I have never on any occasion over the past two weeks tried to take over. I have given advise and suggestions Both my daughter and the baby's father must know, having seen me with baby girl, that I have a wealth of experience, I am confident and knowledgeable in dealing with babies. I strongly believe that most suitable person outside of my daughter and baby girl's father in helping and supporting the overall well-being of baby girl is myself, the material grandmother. I remember seeking the support of my own mother when I first had a baby, but my own daughter would appear to want to keep me out. Maybe she is been manipulated by the baby's father or maybe this is coming directly from her, I don't know. I also feel that my ex husband needs my support and I feel he does want it.



I am torn with wanting to become too attached to baby girl because I fear she could be used as a pawn and I also need to protect my own emotional well-being. I also feel I need to protect my other three children, two of whom have also formed a bond. I feel that they would also feel bereaved should she suddenly be withdrawn from their lives.



Has anyone out there any advise to offer?

Alice - posted on 02/02/2012

I have been in the same situation twice in the past three years with the same daughter. The first time my daughter was unmarried and lived with us until her baby was 6 mo old. This may sound strange but I only held my granddaughter when my daughter ask me to or when I ask permission. I wanted her to know that she was the one responsible for her care. She took exceptional care of her and I would have loved to held her a lot more, but it gave my daughter a lot of confidence to know that I was not going to rush in and try to take over. I am very close to my granddaughter now and in that instance it worked out great. The second time was a different situation. My daughter was married and had her son while her husband was deployed overseas. She came to live with us for 4 months becuase of post pardoum depression. In that situation I helped mainly with our granddaughter, 2 years by that time. Even though my daughter didn't feel like caring for her son, she forced herself to do it anyway with forced smiles. I told her that eventually the feelings would follow. With lots of prayers and counseling the feeling did follow and they are now back with Daddy in Louisianna. I had to step in a lot with the 2 year old as far as disciplin but we both are similar with our expectations.

Teresa - posted on 05/05/2010

Mary Ellen,



My husband and I had a similar situation. Our son and his soon to be ex wife moved in with us two weeks before our Grandson was born.They learned very quickly how much he meant to us and would use him as a pawn to get what they wanted. Disallowed us to see him whenever we did not cave in to there wises. They moved out and back in several times. When they did not pay there bills and had there utilities cut off they came home to us. Always the same scenerio. Used our grandson to get there way. Disregarding our house rules.



The last time they moved out the situation in there own home had deteriorated to the point of being unsafe. We took a HUGE keap of faith and filed for custody. Knowing if we lost they would in all liklihood remove our Grandson and never allow us to see him. Which would have broken our hearts! Niether of them contested the custody in court so now we are his legal Guardians. We have such a sense of Peace knowing he is in a safe environment and very loved.



I recall ALL to well how heart wrneching it is to not be allowed to see them. I tell people I just as easily could have parted with an arm. It would not have hurt any worse. I am keeping you and your situation in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there and continue to be a loving and supportive Gramma.

Teresa

Denise - posted on 05/05/2010

Aww ok, must keep you busy

Glenda - posted on 05/02/2010

My daughter lives with me and she has a lil girl!

Denise - posted on 04/29/2010

Wow that's gotta be tough, we should talk sometime

Mary - posted on 04/20/2010

I did it for 15 months then when I insisted that my daughter do the laundry and dishes (since most were from her and my Grand-son) she bolted. Moved in with a friend and her family. I didn't get to see my Grand-son for 8 weeks (as punishment) until she and the baby were in a car accident. She called me at work crying to come to her. Luckily neither one were hurt. I am seeing both now every week but the relationship between my daughter and I will never be close anymore. She hurt me deeply by not letting me see my Grand-son. Sadly, I think she will do it again. She uses her son as a weapon!

Sherry - posted on 03/30/2010

yes i do i have a 25 yr old daughter still living at home she had a baby girl 1 yr ago & i have become her mother fro the most part at age 50 i never dreamed that i would be starting over at 50 but here i am doing it all over again i love my granddaughter very much she goes to her daddy's mon afternoon then comes back here on thurs afternoon i miss her very much when she's gone but i also like haveing me time i had to quite my job cos i was'nt making any money with the hrs i could work i don't mind i like being at home i can get things done now that i could'nt before

Karen - posted on 03/28/2010

yes it is Ihad my daughter and her baby living at home with us i found it hard not to do everthing for her when she first came home with casey i only helped when she asked and now that they are gone i am glad i got thetime with them both

Julia - posted on 03/28/2010

Cool! I'm not the only one. To make matters worse. I had a change of life baby who is now 3 years old. My 17 year old is the mother of my beautiful granddaughter, but talk about confusion! It is hard to know where the bounderies are. Like when are you stepping over the bounds of her motherhood and when are you being stepped on by their child rearing choices that are being made in your home? Basically I try not to interfere unless my things are getting damaged, the baby wouldn't have what she needs, I guess I could even go further back on my own experience from being a young single mom with four small children, My mother was very involved with my kids. If it wasn't for her I don't think I would have made it. But when your around so much your like another parent, not a grandparent, After all, it is your house and your rules and your used to just taking charge. I knew my mom had over stepped the bounderies when one day my oldest daughter was 7 or 8 and she asked me for something and I said no and she said " Fine, I'll just ask Grandma!" It's the little things that fixed it.Even though I was out on my own the kids still saw her as the leader of the pack. Mom and I had a talk about it and came to the conclusion that even if it's some as simple as a drink of water they were asking for she would simply tell them to ask their mother. and it was my responsibility to make sure that they adhered to her rules at her house and mine at my house. It worked great. They no longer had the option of playing us against eachother and had no choice but to shape up.

Rita - posted on 03/27/2010

OH I know what you mean. My daughter was having her first baby at 16 while I was pregnant at the same time with my son ! It is hard. But you just have to keep in mind, that she is your daughter and you need to treat her like you always do, and your grandchild.. is just that.. I found it hard not to take over and tell her what to do. I had to learn to be able to advise her and offer suggestions, and allow her to make her own decisions. And be there for her when she would come crying.. MOM I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ! Just dont stress it.. the more stressed you get over it, the harder it will be.

Patricia - posted on 03/25/2010

I am going to have that setup in June with my daughter. It is hard but I just let her do what she does with the baby and I wait for her to ask for help or I offer a hand if she accepts fine if she doesn't fine. Just let her have her space and be there when she needs you. I am sure you raised an awesome daughter and she is going to be an awesome Mom. Just let her be her.

NANA - posted on 03/25/2010

My daughter, her husband and 4 year old moved back in with us last year. They have had a baby since. My husband and I have a 13 year old son that still lives with us also. Everyone knows whose house it is, knows the rules, what we expect and respects that. I think the key is communication and prayer. It gets very hard sometimes because there are so many of us with such diverse personalities. With the way the economy is right now, I know they are thankful that they could move home for a few years. The thing that we try to keep in mind is that it is for a short while and we won't have as much time or influnce on our grandkids when they do move out.

Donna - posted on 03/25/2010

You need to sit down and have rules set. It is your home and your daughter needs to respect that. Your grandson needs to follow your house rules. She needs to do the discipline unless you are taking care of him. You both need to be clear on the rules for him so he doesnt have one set of rules with mom and another with grandma. If your daughter isnt working she needs a list of chores she will be responsible for.

Joan - posted on 03/25/2010

I have been raising my 5 year old grand daughter for 4our of those years. I am so grateful I have my own kids that come now and then and say "Mom I'll take her so you can have a break. We see her Dad every chance he has and her Mom rarely come to see her. She suffers separation anxiety which sometimes can be very challenging.

Juanita - posted on 03/24/2010

My daughter lives with me and her 2 children (2yrsand 7mths). They all act asif I am MOM. I feel like the primary care giver all the time, and surprisingly, my daughter seems to like the set up. I'd love to just be grandma, but with the economy the way it is......doesn't seem to be changing any time soon. How is it going for you?

Kathy - posted on 03/24/2010

Hi I am 50 and have two boys aged 23 and 27 and then a daughter aged 10 and I have just
become a Grandmother for the first time and it feels great......

Kristine - posted on 03/23/2010

I am right there with you! My kids just moved out after almost a year of living at home again after the birth of her two sons.Yes , it was very hard to try to show her how I did things and how to not insinuate that she was doing a terrible job! lol I love being a grandmother, but it is so hard to convey that things should be done a certain way, to ensure your kids will live through the day. teehee Hang in there, My daughter has been gone now for about a month, loves her new place, I think , more than that, she loves the freedom from Mama telling her how its done! It is tough, but just show her you are there for her when she needs you and believe me, She will need you!

Alesia - posted on 03/23/2010

My daughter, her husband and there children moved in with my for a year. I found it easy not to inter fear with the way she disciplined the children because she is alot like me. lol. She usually talked to the kids and let them know what the consequence was for a particular action. That is how I raised my children and my daughters to the same.

Joan - posted on 03/22/2010

If you want a responsible daughter, then stop doing things for her! Set a time limit of when she should have her own place then hard as it is, stick to it. When she does move out, let her make her mistakes, help with money food sitting ect but do not invite her back to live with you. If you are always there to "fix" whats wrong, how will she ever learn and more over if anything happened to you what would she do then?

Debi - posted on 03/20/2010

It is not easy...I have been there and done that....I don't know how old your daughter is, but was 18. And I made her do alot, we did alot for her, babysat while she worked, I was only working part time, so I her most of the time. We pretty much raised her for her first two years of life, and I wouldn't change any of it. And finally, I just told her, this is it, she is your child not mine, you have got to take the responsibility here. She and her boyfriend moved in together. We helped when she needed it. I still babysat when she worked, took her to and from work, her husband was in the service. I guess my point is, if you are going to do it for them, they won't take the responsibility. And I was just as guilty as she was. But they are now married and have 3 beautiful children and the oldest grandchild will be 13. And she has turned out to be a beautiful young lady. I wouldn't have changed a minute of it. Having them live with you can be a blessing in disguise, at least you know he will be taken care of. But let her take care of him when she is home, he is her responsibility...and you still try to be grandma....it is very hard to do, believe me.....you are going to over step, but she has to expect that if she is going to move back home...It isn't that you want to take over, you don't, and it is going to be very hard.

Melanie Joye - posted on 03/11/2010

I HAVE 4 GROWN KIDS AGES 22-25 AND A 3 YR OLD, I HAVE 9 GRANDKIDS SO YES. I JUST HAD THE 24 YR OLD MOVE BACK IN WITH HER 2 YR OLD SO THERE IS ALOT OF CONFUSION I'M KEVIN'S MOMMIE, BUT I'M BRAYDENS NANA SO IT IS CONFUSING TO THEM.

Mary - posted on 03/11/2010

yup when it comes to the grand i let them deal with the issues. when i am in charge when they are at work i use my own rules. i respect that they parent different than i do and even though i may give advice i tell them they need to do what works for them and they can ignore anything i say. let your daughter know she can ask for help etc but it is up to her to let you know when she wants your help.

Donna - posted on 03/08/2010

Yes,my daughter and her 3 kids now live at home. It is difficult knowing where the line is. Mostly I go by what I feel comfortable with.If the kids are doing something I don't approve of,I say something. Sometimes I correct them and sometimes I go to her.I try to encourage an open line of communication. Otherwise it doesn,t work.

Lisa - posted on 03/08/2010

That is a difficult task for sure. My daughter came home for 7 or 8 months with my grand daughter while her husband deployed to Iraq. It was very difficult to keep myself out of the discipline area because my daughter's style is so different from my own. I had to learn to walk away and let her handle things. If I interfered, it only undermined what she was trying to teach my grand daughter. It wasn't easy and I feel for you because I had a young child at home as well. My youngest was 5 at the time but we worked through it. My wise 91 year old father always said, "No house is big enough for two women." I think this is what he was referring to. I wish you the best! :)