Mother considering divorce--need help with legal/moral advice

Bonnie - posted on 03/22/2012

My children were 6 and 9 when I divorced my husband of 12 years. I choose to divorce him because he would not go to counseling, on his own or with me and I did not want my children growing up thinking his behavior was acceptable. He was a cheater.



Although it was difficult, I eventually became a better mom not having to deal with him in my home. I never saw it as depriving them their father. It was his own actions that caused the deprivation of him in their lives. My Ex has been great to the kids and I!

Jane - posted on 03/12/2012

I guess it depends on if he is a good father or not. I was married for almost 10 years and stayed because it was what I thought was best for the children. I was very unhappy and my ex did not help around the house or really help with the children. I worked full-time outside of the home and then came home to take care of everything there by myself. I realized one day that if I wasn't happy and it was a loveless marriage that I wasn't the best mother I could be for my children. So I left him a little more than five years ago. It's been very hard but in the long run worth it. I actually ran into my high school sweetheart during my divorce and he too was going through a divorce. We have since gotten married and now have a 3 yr old little boy together. He is a great husband, provider, dad, and step-dad. So my life changed for the better making me happier which in turn I feel has made me a better mother :o) Unfortunately things between my ex and I are still heated and custody is always an ongoing issue but my babies are 13 and almost 9 and are wonderful children who for the most part are happy kids. Divorce is always tough for children but I think that being in a family where it is obvious that the parents are not in love and are always at odds is even tougher on the children. I wish you the best of luck!!!

Tina - posted on 08/15/2011

Have you had Christian counseling ?? Try to get in touch with Focus on the Family, a ministry that reaches out to couples in trouble, also Gary Chapman has a lot of material too with the 'five love languages' that might be of help. Reading his book could be useful for you and help your husband and children. He is a Christian counselor as well as author I think. Get in touch with a good solid Christian Church in your area and speak to the pastor and also any marriage counselors that they might have to offer. Getting secular help isn't the best route to take. If he is abusive, then you need to find out if there is a support group for you to participate in, if it's an addiction you need to get into a support group for that to see what they can offer you for help . But first of all get into a relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ, get into a solid Christian Church, whether it be Baptist, or what ever denomination, make sure it teaches the Truth of the Bible, with compassion, and Mercy, and be authentic in the body of believers there. They may be able to help you and your husband as well as your children. I know it's not easy, I have family members as in cousins, and an Aunt who have struggled through more than one marriage. It takes faith, in God, to be loving, forgiving, and strong . Your children will need to see that and so will your husband, that may change the direction you take and your marriage as well. Pray to Jesus and ask Him for help, if you are sincere and willing to confess your need of Him, and be open to obeying His Word, in faith not works, but faith in who He is ; He will help you. But it won't be easy it will be hard if you don't call for others to pray for you and help you when the times are hard . Read in the Bible, in Proverbs, in Romans in First Corinthians for starters. Psalms too is great to share your heart with . Do hope this has been good for you and that you can contact 'www.focusonthefamily.org, or www.troubledwith.org, they have branch links to seek for help.

Tarren - posted on 08/09/2011

Here's the best advice I can give. "Love" isn't a feeling- it's a decision. When you got married, you made a promise to each other and to God. I would say otherwise if this was a situation of abuse, but you put nothing in your post that attests to that. Have a serious talk about discipline with your husband- if you can get on the same page with each other, it'll smooth the situation out. Try couples counseling, instead of you going by yourself. Do nice things for him, even if you don't feel like it, or want to. He might just change. If you don't give it the old college try you'll never know what might have happened. Chin up.

Kristena - posted on 08/09/2011

The Second time around has less of a chance than the first marriage. We went to see a marriage coach. He gave us skills that totally changed our life. He is not a councilor but he gave us life skills that helped us more than any concealing session. www.Townsendrelationshipcenter.com
I highly recommend to keep trying. Good luck. It is worth it.

Janet - posted on 09/16/2009

yes it"s a hard time and alot of thinking about what to do and not to hurt the family,i had wint throw it and i have three girls they had seam to be go now and they age are 19,201/2 an23 and we still talk about their dad and he is remarried and iam with someone now but will not get married and we get along good and he has a dauther that is 17,an a son that is16 now and we had are hard times but they are getting along with eachother.and they talk about the things they had done and larned from them.and my older dauther is merryed for almost 5years and they have a son and he is 3 now and a cutie .

Erin - posted on 09/15/2009

Hi Deb,

My name is Erin Cerdan I have been married for 24 years. I have 3 girls, ages 28, 22, and 14. Through out my 24 years of marriage there has been times when I wanted to walk out of my marriage. I felt unloved, or unwanted, or just didn't want to deal with it any more. But there were also good times when I realized that it wasn't as bad as I thought it was. I have found that we ALL fall IN and Out of Love with our partners. No marriage is PERFECT! If he is not beating you, or verbally abusing you, cheating on you, then I would try counseling again. You have invested so much time already. And even though people get divorced today quicker than they can bat an eye, it does have an effect on their children. One thing that has made a difference in our marriage is our Faith in GOD. I believe that has made all the difference! And I have to say right NOW things are GREAT! We can't live by our emotions, for they change like the weather. I hope you may have gotten something out of my experience.

God Bless,

Erin Cerdan

Shannon - posted on 09/15/2009

When my husband and I married we had a very strained marriage, abuse mentally and physically, but the worst was mentally on me and the children, the children never forget, I stayed with my husband, but in the long run I know I should have done different, it affected them more than I knew, we have been married for 18 years now and the relationship is great, but the kids have a hard time still getting along with him at times, they love him but they can't discuss things with him still, he knows he didn't do things right now and the Lord has changed him, but changing the way the kids remember things is very hard still. So.....if you think you can change him with prayer stay, but if you can't see that working, I would get my kids out of that situation, just to protect them and you from that strain. I remember when I and the kids had to walk on eggshells so he wouldn't get angry, it isn't a good life, I ended up getting in trouble with the law because I couldn't tell him that our car needed a new motor and I took money that wasn't mine and got caught, I was out of my mind, Jesus saved me and him at that point, and things changed. I will pray for you I know how hard it is.

Sybil - posted on 09/15/2009

first question? is he responsible and safe for the kids to be around without your supervision? (this was my hardest part) i personaly dont think it helps the kids for parents to stay together. they see their parents sad (they know more then you think) and by not having good loving role models they will have harder times when they grow up and get into a relationship. they can also feel torn , not knowing who to side with (even as young children they 'chiose' sides by maybe hanging on one of the parents when the arguing starts. as they get older they will feel that it is their fault mom and dad are unhappy -since it is them that you stayed together for. my parents stayed together and it was acward. i divorced my childrens dad..the best thing i did. hope this helps. just remember that whatever you do it has to be your desision.. all us moms can do is tell you our experiences. you have to feel right with it. good luck

Debbie - posted on 09/15/2009

been thar done that number one thing go to the lord and pray, thin if you still think that it is what you should do then get good advice and pray,the number 2 thing is that you are happy and your good with everything.and if you have kids think about that too.becouse if there is things going on they dont need to see or hear then it is harder on them to stay then to go sometimes. it will be hard for them at ferst but the mane thing is for you and hem to think about the kids.

Shelly - posted on 09/15/2009

Kids aren't dumb and they know when there are problems. If you are looking to do what's best for your kids, you need to get out of the marriage and be happy.

Laurie - posted on 09/15/2009

Deb, well for me my husband had an affair with the wife of a couple we went on vacations with, went to their house every weekend, and they work together. He would not try the couseling thing with me. We did have a very negative marriage and we divorced when our son was 4. It did not seem to have an effect on him. We split the week (he lives the max away from me 60 miles) so our son has to go to a private school b/c of joint custody. He has dealt with this since the divorce in 2005, he is now 8. It is a tough call. I can understand your struggle. you don't want your kids to see the bad relationship but on the other hand how would they react to being the child of divorced parents. if you went for divorce i would definitely do full custody (my ex scared me into joint custody) but you can always let your children see their dad more often than what is written down. come up with YOUR own schedule and see if that would work with you husband. You did make a commitment before God to stay married but he would not want you to stay in a bad situation, i am sure you kids can feel this turmoil. I did not want to take my son away from his dad, which is another reason i went joint. I was so traumatized at the time I made some bad decisions. Definitely get full custody but your kids can see their Dad, if he is interested, more often. Do not stay b/c of the kids it will be much better for them in the long run to grow up in a loving home!! Sorry I rambled

Julie - posted on 09/14/2009

I dont' care what anyone says - the children always suffer! I am amazed at the comments I hear kids make when they think their parents may be divorcing. Marriage is by far the toughest thing you will ever be part of. It is daily forgiveness and daily sacrifice. Do you go to church together? Do you pray together? A good Bible based Christian church, not all the rituals, etc. Unless you are being abused, try everything you can to make it work. And then try some more. If there is abuse, run.

Barb - posted on 09/14/2009

Whew! This is a tough one, and I have been there. I stayed in an abusive marriage for 19 years. My oldest boy was 14 when I divorced. My youngest 7. I stayed far too long in the relationship! The damage to my children is irreversible. Still, your circumstances are different than mine, I'm sure. My best advice is to prayerfully consider your decision. While "God hates a divorcing", HE still made provisions for it in cases of infidelity. (I guess HE knew how painful that was.) Infidelity can take on many different forms, too. Not just the obvious. habitually viewing pornographic material and/or attending nudey bars qualifies as infidelity. As for legal advice: there should be free legal service, if you qualify. To qualify, you must show that you and/ or your children are in danger in the relationship, usually. Whether that danger be mental, physical or both. In my state it is called Legal Aid. Inquire at your local DFS office. It sounds as though you have tried everything you know to try and salvage your relationship. I'm sorry to say it, but at this point, you are propably deciding which option is the lesser evil. I'm very sorry for your plight. If you would like to talk further, e-mail me. Keep your head up.

LIZ - posted on 09/14/2009

I AM SO SORRY YOU WENT THROUGH THAT WITH YOUR STEP FATHER. I AM A FORTUNATE PERSON, MY PARENTS WILL CELEBRATE THEIR 50th ANNIVERSAY IN MARCH. I THANK GOD UP ABOVE FOR LOVING CARING PARENTS, WHO DID STICK IT OUT, EVEN WHEN THINGS WERE BAD. THEY SPLIT A BUNCH OF TIMES, BUT, BECUZ OF US 8 KIDS, THEY ALWAYS FOUND THEIR WAY BACK TO US. BECUZ, THEY BOTH LOVED US, MORE THAN THEY HATED THEIR ISSUES. GOD BE WITH U.. CHRISTINE AND YOUR A BRAVE GIRL FOR SPEAKING OUT. I APPLAUDE YOU FOR THAT. PRAYERS GOING OUT TO U..

LIZ - posted on 09/14/2009

Quoting Christine:

i've seen divorce from all sides. my dad had an affair and left us when i was 3. my mother remarried when i was 9-----to a seemingly wonderful man--but i spent probably 20 years of my adult life with a private hell because my step-father was sexually harrassing us---but i was the only one who would speak up---so it was easy to say that i was the problem, not him. i spent years trying to protect my mother from pain while i damaged myself, instead. even though it didn't start until i was at least 17 or 18 (i think) he still held that position of power.......i tried several times to get help and never could get it until the last few years of his life, when my sisters finally spoke up and defended me.

i was a happy little girl---my mother said i was her easiest child---until my parents split. my childhood was spent moving from place to place until i became a very insecure child---and i'm still an very insecure adult.

i married poorly to a man that treated me like dirt----i left with my little boy after 3 1/2 years---not knowing i was pregnant with my daughter. moved back in with my parents and lived with sexual harrassment for 3 years. my husband and i have been married for almost 22 years now---11 children between us--and i can tell you there have been plenty of times i have wanted to leave, and plenty of times i have been madly in love with him.

i read once that you have to fall in love over and over again when you are married. i read a really good book recently called "how to hug a porcupine". one of the best books i have read. it talks about dealing with difficult relationships----but says that very rarely is there a real need to leave the marriage. it gives lots of tools and advice for dealing with "toxic" people. obviously, abuse would be a BIG factor in this type of decision---we need to keep ourselves and our children safe.

i think that most things can be worked out, especially when we return unkind words with kindness. sometimes, when we are feeling the worst about our spouses, is the time to show them the most kindness---even if you have to fake it until you feel it. i have been known to say, "i'm too nice of a person to be treated like that." or, you can listen to their complaints, and tell them you would like to write them down so that you can think about them and then get back to them----sometimes there is some truth to what they are saying, they just aren't saying it in the right way.

ok, i'm sure this was probably alot of random and conflicting info---but i just wanted to give you alot of different things to think about. i remember after going through one divorce, thinking that i would live through hell before i would get divorced again------and then i remember thinking that if i had a way to support myself i might leave because i felt like i was living through hell.

i agree with the poster who suggested some personal counseling before making this decision. i can't remember tha name of the author of "how to hug a porcupine", but i am sure you can find it by name on amazon---it is definitely a good book---and this is coming from someone who hates self-help books. good luck in what ever you feel you need to do to raise a happy, healthy family-----these decisions are never easy. just make sure you spend some time on your knees during this difficult time.

LIZ - posted on 09/14/2009

Well, Deb, if there was any other way other than DIVORCE.. I would advise that you give it all you got. However: sometimes, divorce can not be helped. My first tip of advice is get into the house of the Lord, see if ya can reconcile through God, if the marriage is worth saving at all, thats the best place to start. If, he's not willing, then proceed the way ur looking. I was divorced when my daughter was 4. We had 2 daughters.. the oldest was nearly 6. They turned out to be great girls... however, our oldest daughter past away at the age of 16, due to cancer... But, our other daughter is a great person.. she is a soldier.. or was a soldier, going to nursing college right now, she's nearly 27 years old and a descent lady. So, divorce doesn't damage as bad as keeping kids in a bad relationship. The abuse that they endure is horrible, not talking about physcial, the verbal abuse they witness between bitter parents. I am sure you both love the children, and surely for their sakes, ya can work out something that will work for you both. But, in ending this advice, let me warn you BOTH.. to never use the children as leverage. That only makes matters WORSE.. Be a good mom and wife.. if possible, but mainly.. u need to keep ur children in a healthy relationship!!! Regardless, if MOM & DAD are in the same house, if those kids can't feel the LOVE.. how are they going to devolope love for others???? GOOD LUCK.. BUT MOSTLY.. GOD BLESS YOU BOTH AND I WILL BE PRAYING FOR YA...

Robin - posted on 09/14/2009

I am at the other end of this question. For me it has not gotten any better and I have started the divorce process. This is the hardest thing that I have ever had to go through. My life and the life I wanted for my kids has come to an end. My kids tell me they are glad because they are tired of the fighting. Yet they are just starting the going back and forth between parents. All are in their teens. I am trying how to start a new life and not doing a very good job with this. Your situation may be different. But seeing the negative marriage is having an affect on you children and how they see life. My kids do not ever want to be married. Life is very difficult now and it is hard to start over late in life. Not impossible but very hard.

Marla - posted on 09/14/2009

I'm sorry to hear of your situation. I am going through the same thing right now. After almost 24 years my husband and I are getting a divorce. I have 3 children, 20, 18 & 13. When we told the 13 year old the only thing he wanted to make sure of was that he would be able to see his dad & talk to him. Kids are tough. They will surprise you.

Sandy - posted on 09/14/2009

MY HUSBAND'S EX MAKES LIFE VERY DIFFICULT-FOR THE SAKE OF THE CHILDREN-BE ON GOOD TERMS FOR THE CHILDREN - DO NOT DEMORALIZE EACH OTHER AROUND THEM-IT IS THEIR DAD & THEY DESERVE TO KNOW HIM AS WELL AS YOU AS GOOD-LOVING PARENTS TO THEM DESPITE YOUR PERSONAL DIFFERENCES! IF THERE ARE OTHER CHILDREN WITH THE NEW PARTNERS-MAKE THEM WELCOME AS WELL & DO NOT TRY TO PIT THEM AGAINST ONE ANOTHER!

Cheryl - posted on 09/14/2009

Been there done that! I learned that us being miserable was not helping our child. My relationship was not abusive by any means, it was just that we were living together more as roommates rather than husband and wife. He did his thing, I did mine. It was going no where. Although hard at first, the children will bounce back as long as the divorce isn't nasty. If he feels the same, that divorce is inevitable, then it should be easier on the kids. My ex-husband had the option to see his daughter whenever he wanted (my decision) and of course the every-other-weekend awarded by the court. We get along better now than when we were married and that was 13 years ago! It's very unhealthy for you and your husband to stay together just for the sake of the kids. You don't want to end up hating each other!! Best of luck to you!

Christine - posted on 09/13/2009

i've seen divorce from all sides. my dad had an affair and left us when i was 3. my mother remarried when i was 9-----to a seemingly wonderful man--but i spent probably 20 years of my adult life with a private hell because my step-father was sexually harrassing us---but i was the only one who would speak up---so it was easy to say that i was the problem, not him. i spent years trying to protect my mother from pain while i damaged myself, instead. even though it didn't start until i was at least 17 or 18 (i think) he still held that position of power.......i tried several times to get help and never could get it until the last few years of his life, when my sisters finally spoke up and defended me.



i was a happy little girl---my mother said i was her easiest child---until my parents split. my childhood was spent moving from place to place until i became a very insecure child---and i'm still an very insecure adult.



i married poorly to a man that treated me like dirt----i left with my little boy after 3 1/2 years---not knowing i was pregnant with my daughter. moved back in with my parents and lived with sexual harrassment for 3 years. my husband and i have been married for almost 22 years now---11 children between us--and i can tell you there have been plenty of times i have wanted to leave, and plenty of times i have been madly in love with him.



i read once that you have to fall in love over and over again when you are married. i read a really good book recently called "how to hug a porcupine". one of the best books i have read. it talks about dealing with difficult relationships----but says that very rarely is there a real need to leave the marriage. it gives lots of tools and advice for dealing with "toxic" people. obviously, abuse would be a BIG factor in this type of decision---we need to keep ourselves and our children safe.



i think that most things can be worked out, especially when we return unkind words with kindness. sometimes, when we are feeling the worst about our spouses, is the time to show them the most kindness---even if you have to fake it until you feel it. i have been known to say, "i'm too nice of a person to be treated like that." or, you can listen to their complaints, and tell them you would like to write them down so that you can think about them and then get back to them----sometimes there is some truth to what they are saying, they just aren't saying it in the right way.



ok, i'm sure this was probably alot of random and conflicting info---but i just wanted to give you alot of different things to think about. i remember after going through one divorce, thinking that i would live through hell before i would get divorced again------and then i remember thinking that if i had a way to support myself i might leave because i felt like i was living through hell.



i agree with the poster who suggested some personal counseling before making this decision. i can't remember tha name of the author of "how to hug a porcupine", but i am sure you can find it by name on amazon---it is definitely a good book---and this is coming from someone who hates self-help books. good luck in what ever you feel you need to do to raise a happy, healthy family-----these decisions are never easy. just make sure you spend some time on your knees during this difficult time.

Carol - posted on 09/13/2009

Hi Deb. Yes there is alot of us out here who have been or are in your situation. I was for 13 years. I didn't do myself or my kids any favors. It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made. I took everything about my marriage and children very seriously but my husband and father of my boys did not. But it has now been 3 years now and both me and my boys are very happy now. We don't have to feel like we need to walk on egg shells all the time. they can finally be kids like they are suppose to be and I can feel like I am a good person instead of a piece of gum stuck to the bottom of his shoe. ( sort of speak) I kept things very quiet with my kids witch is not easy when things got messy towards the end. But I kept the boys in touch with his parents and family and chose to be the adult in the situation. As far as the kids having their dad full time, if you look at it like I do now looking back he wasnt a fulltime dad to them from the beginning. Staying in the marriage as long as I did, did more harm to my oldest son than good. Not that I am saying that is your case. I am willing to answer or share anything with you that you want to ask me. I have nothing to hide. Its terrible to be made to feel that it is all your fault when it takes two.

Jennifer - posted on 09/13/2009

Hi Deb,
I was in a marriage very similar to what you described. And I decided that it was better for my children to see me living in a loving environment. Afterall our children learn from us. And I didn't want my daughters to think it was okay to live in a relationship where they may not be happy....in the end your children will be happy as long as you are. And if your husband is a good father, he will be there for your children no matter where he lives.

Deb - posted on 09/12/2009

Hi Deb, Deby here. Follow your heart and do what makes you happy. I was were you are 8 yrs ago. Best decision I ever made. I will not lie it is tough going it alone, but better than being miserable. My son is now 16 yrs old and great kid!

Lisa - posted on 09/12/2009

One question, Do you go to church? When you got married you made a vow to one another for better or worse etc... You two need to have effective communication without arguing and stay on the subject. If you do go to church have your pastor recommend a counselor or better yet go see FIRE PROOF! It is a great movie for married couples. I really feel like you should do everything and try everything. Divorce is no fun. Been their and done that. Plus if I knew then what I know now, honestly I never would have divorced my husband. Needless to say but my second husband will be stuck with me for life.lol. I choose to live him and make my marriage work even when I feel unappreciated. Check out rockwilmington.com. Pastor Bryan is doing a series now for families. You can watch the pod cast. This week is called widexing the fishbowl. He and Ms. Jennifer are going to let everyone know everyone has problems, even them. No-one is perfect. We really do have to choose to love our husbands especially when they seem insensitive. They love us they want to please us they just do not verbalize as much as we do, and when we attack them they defend themselves. Any way Work at. Don't give up.

Pam - posted on 09/12/2009

I have been there and done that. I am 48 years old and just went through a divorce myself. The fighting, the screaming and everything else that goes on isn't helping the kids at all. I have 4 kids, 2 older and 2 with my resent ex. Both my son and daughter turned very hateful and negative about everything. Don't stay if you think it is going to damage your kids. It will do them more good to see that mom and dad aren't fighting all the time. Less stress on everybody can be a good thing.

DANA - posted on 09/12/2009

Yes, I've been there & done that...I stayed in my bad marriage for 20yrs. I keep saying its for the children.,wait til they get older., all excuses I could think of. I have 3 sons & I let them live thru & experience a bad relationship which was not healthy for their growth of becoming men. I left 4yrs ago when they was still in their teenage stage, my youngest was 12. I left because it got so bad in the relationship & he wouldn't leave because I was his meal ticket, I had to leave to keep it from getting worse. It was the hardest decision I made & yes, in the beginning he turned them against me, but when you have a strong relationship with God, you know it will work out in your favor. Now my son's live with me & doing great. And by them spending 2yrs with their father without me, they got to experience & see how their father was 1st hand., without me having to say anything to them bad about him, I hear it now from them. Do not stay for the children, it doesn't make it better it makes it worse & they will not be deprived of a relationship with their father as long as the two of you have good communication when it comes to the children, they will grow to be strong, healthy adults. Don't teach them to stay in a situation that's bad...

Joan - posted on 09/12/2009

It would be harder in many ways if you divorce. The children will respect the fact that you stay married and work things out, when they are older. The only solution is prayer. Seek the Lord, and all these things shall be added unto you. If you desire to have a good marriage, you can, with God help. Jesus can heal all things - if we seek Him and put Him first. Be married for Him and with Him as your refuge. May God richly bless you for your obiedance to Him. I will keep praying for you.
I have been divorced twice and married the third time. It is harder every time and the problems are not easier, there are more and very different too. Use the time you have invested in this person to God's glory.

Belinda - posted on 09/12/2009

Hi Deb, This is a very personal decision on your own part. The main thing you have to consider is it good for the children(and you) to be deprived happiness and see the turmoil JUST TO STAY TOGETHER LIKE A FAMILY!!!! Some time it is better to not live together and just be friends just for stability in the childrens world. But, you also deserve happiness and a happy mom raises happy children. I have been through it and do not like it when I see women saying they are staying together for the children, it is usually a losing situation. I wish you luck in this very personal decision and will be praying you are given direction as to what to do.

Bonita - posted on 09/12/2009

I am sorry you’re going through such a rough time. I have been there. For the most part things have gotten better. Marriage is very hard! Everyone deserves honesty and respect. I wonder if your husband has stopped to think how he would feel if you treated him the way he treats you. I am not suggesting that you do that. A friend of mine suggested that I read The Power of A Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian. It has been helpful to her. I do plan on reading it. I know I am happier when I remind myself that I can not control my husband’s attitudes or actions. I try to work on my attitude and happiness in a positive way. I try to pick my battles and when there is a situation that needs to be resolved I try to plainly state my concerns and try to be open minded about his suggestions and opinions. That part is really hard and I don’t always succeed. Someone else suggested that you try counseling on your own. My husband says he would never go to counseling. I did do it on my own for a little while and it was helpful. I think that with counseling things get worse before they get better because you are bringing out and facing the problems head on. I wish you the best of luck in your decision.

Pam - posted on 09/12/2009

Yes we have all heard of staying in a marriage because of the kids but what example are you giving the children? It's almost the same as the cycle of domestic abuse, they think that marriage is supposed to be that way. If he is a good Dad he will continue to be one after the divorce if not then he is not a good role model for them anyway. I had a friend that hid everything from her son as far as the things his Dad would do and he ended up blaming his mother for everything and the Dad was the greatest thing in the world even though he was never around. Do not lie about the other parent but don't cover for them either. For your sake and your childrens sake do the right thing whichever that may be. We do lead by example. Best of luck.

Vaunda - posted on 09/11/2009

Hi Deb! I am so sorry your marriage is on the rocks. That stinks! As a teacher I come across a variety of different situations regarding home life and kids. I can tell you this for fact, EVERY single time an unhappy relationship ends, the children benefit. They are already brutally aware how unhappy your marriage is. They look to both of their parents for guidance and direction. Do them a favor and show them how much you care about their day to day life. It will be so much better than what it is now. Yes, there will be a large quantity of chaos initially. That is par for the course with any big change. They are very resiliant. They will be o.k.. You will be a better mom. He will be a better dad. Everyone will be much happier internally where it really counts long-term.

Colleen - posted on 09/11/2009

Roxann brings up some excellent points in regard to Biblical teachings. If you and your husband are both believers and can work together, please make attempts through God to work things out. I have prayed and seen positive changes in my marriage that only God could have ordained, but they have only been tmporary. My husband was severely hurt as a child (mostly though his own parents' fighting) and he eventaully sabotages anything good that does happen. After 13 years, I have decided that it is time to end the arguing for our son's sake. I have a feeling that, as many of you have stated, he will eventually leave our lives completely. He already has started treating our son in the same way he treats me in his paranoid, manipulative ways. God Bless us all!

Renee - posted on 09/11/2009

I too have been in a marriage that has been very negative. We have been married for 19 years. he has always commentted on my weight. I was never thin enough. Even when I was 120lbs he still had negative comments. It hasnt all been about weight but a good part of it has. He is very controlling. About a year ago I told the kids (13 yrs and 14 yrs) that we were going to get a divorce. They were very sad, we all cried including my husband. Later that day my son came to me and said "dont cry mom, I am ok with this as long as you and dad will be happier". This made me feel much better. My daughter on the other hand was very upset and didnt want to talk to her dad.

Dad and I still get along quite well as friends but as a couple we cant get it together!

In April we separated and in July we signed our separation papers. It was a very sad day for us both. We cried alot together, 19 years is a long time.

My kids seem to be more relaxed, not having all the stress in the house. They no longer have to walk on eggshells.

It is very hard at times, but I am getting throuh this and I am getting much stronger as a person! I like who I am and I am happy with who I am.

We talk about getting back together at times but then he starts in on my weight. Its not like I am huge. Sure I could lose a few pounds but who couldnt. If we get back together I want it to be for all the right reasons.

I guess separation was a good choice for me. I chose not to stay together for the kids. They werent seeing a healthy relationship, so I wasnt teaching them anything. My daughter has alot of respect for me noww.

Good luck with whatever you decide, just make sure it is right for you!!

Eleny - posted on 09/11/2009

Honestly leave. It is better for the kids to have to happy households then be in a house that is miserable. It is NOT easy. I know. I am going through it right now. You are stronger then you think and you can make it as a single mom. *hugs*

Susan - posted on 09/11/2009

Have you been to counseling by yourself, or just with your husband? You should go by yourself if you can. Just remember that the relationship you have with your husband is what your children are going to grow up thinking is the norm. If this isn't what you want them to learn from you, and you have tried and can't fix it, it is time to make a decision. Good luck. Divorce is financial suicide. I know, I did it and am raising two children on my own. Child support is a joke. The kids are now 14 and 17 and it has been a long road. But, much happier with their father out of the equation on a day-to-day basis. They still see him every Thursday and every other weekend, but they are glad to get home.

Olga Patricia - posted on 09/11/2009

this thougt is beautiful

Roxann - posted on 09/11/2009

The Bible can change your life, your husbands and your childrens people pay for counseling and it's right in the Bible. I know it's been the best thing that ever happened to me!!! My marriage is good and we are very happy and have respect for each other and our children are happy too!!! If you have a spiritual side to you and if your husband does it may be the thing to help because God hates a divorce and will bless your efforts to work it out and remember you have to rekindle a relationship once we have kids!! Hope this helps!!!

Melissa - posted on 09/11/2009

Hi Deb,

I to struggled with the same issue although my kids were a bit older. I found I was losing myself and becoming ugly and bitter inside out. I believe that this affects your children in a more negative way than showing them that we are all entitled to happiness & mutual respect. You are not depriving your children of a full-time father unless he chooses not to fully participate in their lives. Some things are just not within our control. If you've been to counciling and it's still not good remember you can't fix it alone and you can't force him to want something different. Be strong, true to yourself and your kids. It will be better for them. Good luck, Melissa

Olga Patricia - posted on 09/11/2009

hello firstable no body can advise you because we all make mistakes no body nous the answer. all the couples have got problems been married its the most dificult thing in live to put up with. only you two know what is hapening. my marriage its the same as yours but every time I want to live my husband is nice with me then i tend to forget.

Jackie - posted on 09/11/2009

i agree too,happyness all round x

Berta - posted on 09/11/2009

It is a hard question, but living in a home where no one is happy takes its toll on everyone. I never believed in divorce, but my reasons were to keep my kids safe and they were not. I was not safe. You can still be civil and raise your kids apart as long as you are on the same page. My children's father decided not to be a part of their lives, now that they are grown they have decided not to be a part of his life either.

No matter what you do there are pros and cons. I will pray for you in hopes that whatever you decide it is the right choice for you and your children.

Helen - posted on 09/11/2009

Don't stay for the kids if you aren't happy! But, do try to work with the ex, and all who are concerned, for the children. Think of the children not of yourselfs! They need both of you together or apart, so the safest and best interest of the child is to be agreeable on the safety and decisions and interest of your children, and to provide the best stable and secure upbringing of them, it is about the children not you! let go of your differences and yours don't matter, do what you need to do for the children!



And put Jesus, and God in your life first, the rest will come!

Jackie - posted on 09/11/2009

hi,iv been their few times, an u no if u not happy kids sense this,surely being happy got to put that first,an if u make arrangments so that the kids still av time with their dad,their getting best of both worlds,we all put our kids first, an dont get me wrong iv done it, but u got to think whats best for u too luv, good luck x

Nicola - posted on 09/11/2009

Hi hun

You are in one of those damned if i do and damned if i don't situations.I left my marriage of13yrs, 8yrs ago.It was similar as negative and violent.I knew how my future would be if i stayed and the most frightening thing about leaving was i had no idea what was a head of us(my youngest children were 3 and 5 months.What i can tell you is that despite the distress and lack of money after 6 months my neighbours were stopping me and telling me how much better me and my 3yr old looked.After 18 months I made another big decision and moved out of the area.This lead to me rebuilding my career.With hindsight its easy to advise but it was the best thing i ever did for me and my children.Life is about making the best of it not the worst.What ever you do -do it for you and your children .xx

Deborah - posted on 09/11/2009

hello, I was in your shoes about 12 years ago then my kids were 10,12 and 14. I had put up with abuse in all forms and pretty much didn't think i could do anything because i was to dumb , the only dumb thing i did was stay because of the kids. I don't know your situation but i have known people who stay for there kids and people who divorce and there never is a good answer but both of you have to look at the whole picture and see whats best for all of you. if your both committed to your kids they wont miss out. one thing you must not do is talk about each other in a negative way to your kids or where your kids can hear you. my kids father has not seen his kids in over 11 years or i should say as soon as the divorce was final. i hope your kids don't go through that. I was very lucky and found a wonderful man who became the father to my kids. I wish you all the luck in the world it's not an easy thing to do.

Deborah - posted on 09/11/2009

hello, I was in your shoes about 12 years ago then my kids were 10,12 and 14. I had put up with abuse in all forms and pretty much didn't think i could do anything because i was to dumb , the only dumb thing i did was stay because of the kids. I don't know your situation but i have known people who stay for there kids and people who divorce and there never is a good answer but both of you have to look at the whole picture and see whats best for all of you. if your both committed to your kids they wont miss out. one thing you must not do is talk about each other in a negative way to your kids or where your kids can hear you. my kids father has not seen his kids in over 11 years or i should say as soon as the divorce was final. i hope your kids don't go through that. I was very lucky and found a wonderful man who became the father to my kids. I wish you all the luck in the world it's not an easy thing to do.

Deborah - posted on 09/11/2009

hello, I was in your shoes about 12 years ago then my kids were 10,12 and 14. I had put up with abuse in all forms and pretty much didn't think i could do anything because i was to dumb , the only dumb thing i did was stay because of the kids. I don't know your situation but i have known people who stay for there kids and people who divorce and there never is a good answer but both of you have to look at the whole picture and see whats best for all of you. if your both committed to your kids they wont miss out. one thing you must not do is talk about each other in a negative way to your kids or where your kids can hear you. my kids father has not seen his kids in over 11 years or i should say as soon as the divorce was final. i hope your kids don't go through that. I was very lucky and found a wonderful man who became the father to my kids. I wish you all the luck in the world it's not an easy thing to do.

Deborah - posted on 09/11/2009

hello, I was in your shoes about 12 years ago then my kids were 10,12 and 14. I had put up with abuse in all forms and pretty much didn't think i could do anything because i was to dumb , the only dumb thing i did was stay because of the kids. I don't know your situation but i have known people who stay for there kids and people who divorce and there never is a good answer but both of you have to look at the whole picture and see whats best for all of you. if your both committed to your kids they wont miss out. one thing you must not do is talk about each other in a negative way to your kids or where your kids can hear you. my kids father has not seen his kids in over 11 years or i should say as soon as the divorce was final. i hope your kids don't go through that. I was very lucky and found a wonderful man who became the father to my kids. I wish you all the luck in the world it's not an easy thing to do.