mother - in - law and daughter - in - law disagreements

Wendy - posted on 03/28/2010 ( 12 moms have responded )

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Hi my name is Wendy, my daughter in - laws name is Nicole. I am having a rough time with her.
For some reason when my son and Nicole got married and moved in with us, she said we had a problem as soon as she step foot in my front door.

I dont know, she is strong headed and so am i. But is now 2010, and now, i am not able to see my grandchildren, my son is only standing by his wife. I took their easter things down to their house the other day, nicole seen me coming up the walk and she didnt even open up the door after about 7 or 8 knocks my son finally came to the door. I know and respect my son and i will never stop loving him, i know he had to stand by his wife, but when i do get a chance to see him he looks sad.

When Ben did come to the door, I asked how he was doing, he said ok, i asked if i could come in, he siad no not a good time, i told him i love him, he said i love you to, and i handed him the bag of goodies, and left so broken hesrted. I lost my spouse about 4 years ago, but this seems to be alot stronger does that makes sence to anyone?

thanks wendy

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Frances - posted on 04/02/2010

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Hi Wendy! Before I start I will say I don't take sides hun!

You say they moved in with you into your home. Well I guess all new brides want a place of their own with the new spouse and it's a bit of a culture shock when the bubble is burst and you end up with the "in-laws"!!

You had a ready made home which I'm guessing your son lived in prior to the wedding so she was the "outsider"!

I'm not saying that you weren't welcoming to her but it isn't the same as your own place!

That said, she is damn lucky you allowed her into your home and gave up your space to accomodate them as so many kids would have been out on their own with no support at all.

They obviously now have their own place and whilst it is extremely rude for you not to be invited in, they could make the effort to be courteous and acknowledge your feelings with regards the children.

I can only assume this has been going on for a long time now and one would question where your son left his backbone!

I guess, as you say you are strong-headed also that you have played your part in the hostilities! Well, it has to stop now!!!!!!!!!!

Write her a letter, explain your feelings, express your wish to see your grandchildren sometime and above all be nice!

Unless she is a hardhearted person, she must realise that it takes two to make a relationship work and you both have to give a little. Hopefully in time she will realise what an asset you could be with the children and climb down off her high horse and let you into their lives!

It may take time but it will be worth it in the end!



Good Luck!x

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Kellie - posted on 12/27/2013

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My mother in law still keeps group family pictures up with his ex wife in them. These pictures are everywhere. We've been married for nearly 6 years and she still calls me by hush ex wife's name. I like his ex wife but geez, it's time to remove them out of courtesy! I've asked re to remove them but she hasn't.

MARY - posted on 12/22/2011

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Hi Wendy, my name is Mary, and I also have a daughter in law, that acts very distant to me, and I feel she wants my son all to herself. Why she is acting like this, I dont have a clue. Luckily, my son doesnt want kids, and I dont have a problem with grandkids, but if I did it would be a different story. Number 1, if my kids came to live with me after they married, they better be paying all my bills before I kiss anyones gluteous max. I dont know your whole situation, but I'm old fashioned, and had in laws that just loved me, may they RIP. I raised 2 kids on my own and was very strict. So, if they want to live with me, they better treat me as if I were Queen Mary, and wouldnt accept any other way. They would also be paying rent and utilities and food. With my daughter in law, like I say, acts very distant, I put up with it, but if there were kids involved, I would be the mother in law from h$ll. I would definitely get on my sons rear and tell him to grow some you know whats. First of all my son would not let anyone treat me that way. I dont understand why your son puts up with that? Its called everyday respect, and if you respect me I respect you, if not, you will be told about yourself and asked up front, what your problem is, and get to the bottom of it, and not let it get out of hand! You deserve respect and honor, you are the mother and grandmother and shouldnt be treated any other way, hope this helps.

Glenda - posted on 12/18/2011

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Wendy nice to know I am not a lone hang in your son will come or it is his loss you need to pick a family that needs a grandma and step up and help that mom I lived 3000 miles a way from my mom and mil and had a very nice lady step up and fill in I LOVE HER FOR THAT AND MY KIDS DO TO!!!!!

Mray D.R - posted on 11/22/2011

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Sorboni Banerjee, 7News.

(Copyright 2008 Sunbeam Television. All Rights Reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.)

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Audrey - posted on 09/09/2011

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Wendy, this is here problem dont make it your., continue to love her and continue to be Wendy.. she is the one that is loosing out the grandchildren will miss a lot. Also I found that removing that word step______________ whatever is a good start to removing barriers. He will always be your son. No one can take that from you. Because everyone else had to learn to love him you loved him before you knew what he was.. just let them go. live your life.

Pam - posted on 04/03/2010

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I can talk to you from the daughter-in-laws prospective. As I don't know your whole situation, and what as happened, between now and this post, I can only guess. My mother-in-law, when we first met, was an angel sent from heaven to me. You wouldn't have met a better person. When I we, my husband and I, got out of the military, we first stayed with his parents. this is when the controlling, minipulative, and hateful, she beast came out. We weren't with my in-laws a month and punched the mother-law in the face. This something I am so not proud of. I took my car and left. My husband took my side and we parted with the in laws on horrible terms. I don't know what or where she was coming from. The husband and I had two children and I always let her see them. I didn't think it was fair to keep the grand children from her. When our third child was born, she washed her hands of the our little girl and only paid attention to the boys. I still can't figure that one out. My boys are on their own, my husband and I have been divorced since 1993. I don't speak to him or his side of the family, nor does his family have contact with my daughter. I found that distance is the best medicine. But for you not to see the grand children, isn't fair. Perhaps family counseling? We tried it and it was joke. Good luck.

Donna - posted on 04/03/2010

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Hi Wendy,
This is definitely a tough one - especially where feelings and boundaries are in play. Talk with both of them, without putting your son in the middle of it or having him pick sides. Work it out - forgive and forget - life is too short.

If I had problems with my Mother-in-law, or even my MOther, I would never stop my son from seeing their grandson.

Good luck, I wish you all the best! and Thank you for sharing your side of the story.

Donna

Anita - posted on 04/03/2010

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hi Wendy, it looks like Nicole and your son needs some talking.
You will have to put your best foot forward and talk to them tell them that you love both of them and they are always welcome but there are a few rules to be followed. At this moment you need to see your son happy. You will have to put your personnel feelings aside and work this out to see that your daughter in law is happy remember if she is happy so will your son be. I know you cannot be mother to her but as a women i am sure you can have a friendly conversation, with out prying too much let her know that you care tell her that her kids mean a lot to you if there is any way you can help her.
You son is broken he does not know which side to take if he takes yours hes in trouble if he takes hers once again hes in trouble its a catch 22 situation so its important to make him feel comfortable too
Its going to be hard but as a mother we have to ignore some things to move ahead just so that our children are happy. Just have confidence in your self and move ahead and you will surely solve the problem.

Sherry - posted on 04/03/2010

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Dear Wendy,
Have you ever considered meeting with your pastor or a counselor. This way both sides can be heard and the goal is reconciliation.

Frances - posted on 04/02/2010

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Hi Wendy, I guess it makes it harder when they are step grandkids but take your gift anyway and try not to get too upset if she doesn't let you in this time.
Be dogmatic and keep trying! Every now and then, pop down with little gestures like a pot plant or a little note to say "hi" or any little thing like that and if you don't get invited in just smile sweetly and leave. Make a note of your granddaughters birthday and all the other birthdays and take a card or gift and at least then if you ever decided to take legal action to see your biological grandchild you would have laid the foundations for your case! I,m not sure what the laws are like where you are but here in the UK we have certain rights as grandparents which are a good thing but only when all else fails do you need to think about that type of action.
Good luck with your delivery of the birthday gift hun! I will be thinking of you.

Wendy - posted on 04/02/2010

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Thank you Frances. I just found out today was my granddaughters birthday, i knew it was in April sometime but wasnt sure which date. See the 2 older children are my sons step children, and we have only had 1 birthday with them so far. I found out on facebook today. I am going to take down a little something tomorrow. I am hoping her mom will let me see my grandaughter to give her her gift. Even though they are step, grandchildren i treat them like there biological, they have a little brother 6 months old that is biological. So tomorrrow we will see.

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