My 14 year old girl..dating without permission?- ..

Alex - posted on 07/11/2011 ( 45 moms have responded )

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My 14 year old daughter is dating a boy her age. ask parents for permission and parents said no, you are too young to date. meaning going on date etc. grades also have suffered her distraction, she used to be A+ B+ student. However she has gone to the extreme of brining this boy to our home when we are at work she has supervision but she still manages to see him.Even after being grounded for her actions, she goes to the extreme of finding our cellphones and texting when the rest of us sleep, I also just found out that she talk on the phone for hours at night using our cells or land line when we all go to sleep.... Don't know what else to do to discipline...(no cell no computer privilige and grounded..) she still manages to talk to him.. using other peoples phones...??

I'ts not that I won't let her date...this would be her first time dating.. but We are saying no since her grades are suffering..plus this kid is already talking about spending the rest of their lifes together etc.they both text about. i love you forever...and spending our lives together.. this is really concerning since she is going to the extreme of getting into serious trouble at home.??

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Anne Marie - posted on 07/11/2011

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I think every child who dates someone believes it is for ever. My son has had 2 girl friends he thought he was serious with and 2 girlfriends he is/was staying together for ever with. Granted my son is now 19, and dating another girl he plans to live for ever with. I get that 14 is too young in your books and it is really hard to see her grades suffering. I do not take the attitude with my kids that you can not do. I prefer an open and honest relationship. I know in the teen years it is kinda their job to be decieving and sneak around. How ever I have told my kids that I know you are a teen ager you will do things you are not suppose to do, go places you are not suppose to go, trust people you should never have trusted. I know this because I was a teenager once too. There is the argument if you allow it then you are encouraging it. I don't think that is necessarily so. I would try and tell her your concerns about school, chores and lack of sleep due to phone calls. Personally I would rather let her talk during the day so she sleeps at night so she gets sleep and does not mix up her days and nights. Allowing with boundries, phone calls no more than an hour, one per week night, maybe more on the weekend. By allowing her to date and be open about it, you are telling her you accept that she is growing up. I take this attitude with alcohol, and any other types of trouble they get into. I tell them if I know they have been drinking and their speach is slurred I know the reason I know what to watch for, if I don't know I may think they had a head injury or something.


Lets face it, whether you allow it or not, she is going to date him, she will and is sneaking time with him no matter what. Unfortunatly we can not put leashes on our teens and keep them at bay. My big concern about not allowing dating in particular is with regards to sex. I really hope she is not into that yet but it is not a bad time to talk to her about it. Taking the attitude in the talk that abstinence is best but if you partake in sex be safe etc. Tell her how to prevent from being druged by a date,even & especially if she has developed a trust in him. The big reason I would want my daughter to be open about it, is if she got into trouble, let say she was molested (God forbid) or got pregnant from this boy who would she go to for help? The parents who forbid the relationship, friends or maybe even him. She may seek medical help that is less then your standards. or tell no one and suffer for many years before getting help or resolving any issues it has created.

I hope this has helped I do want you to know that I respect why you are not wanting to allow her to date, I do really respect your train of thought but I have to put my thought in here cause some people don't think about it. I had a girlfriend in a similar situation a few years back, I gave her the same advice and she was glad that I did. Her and her daughter now 18 have a close relationship. Everything we do should be helping to develop that relationship when they are older. Best of luck to you.

L R - posted on 10/24/2012

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Alex, without sounding harsh, I feel that you are putting your daughter in a bad situation. Remember when you were young? I do... this is part of growing up and "dating" as they call it at that age is "usually" holding hands and telling the world that they are "dating". What harm can come to it if supervised correctly? You are going to drive a wedge between you and she needs you more now than ever! Yes, her grades have suffered but it could also be that you are forcing her into making bad decisions. Why not ask the boy over and rent a move? Get to know him and while you're at it, you should meet his parents and get to know them. Try working with her than against her so she can be open with you.... you may find that her grades actually go up!

Julie - posted on 10/15/2012

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I am not a parent of teenagers YET, but what if you pulled the old "reverse psychology" and just said, "OK. you guys can date."

Suddenly, they don't have to sneak, you don't have to snoop. Supervision is there, trust can be built, and you can be there for her when they break up and she is heart broken :(

Rhonda - posted on 07/17/2011

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I think the hardest thing is that we've all been there. Because of that we're even MORE worried about our kids! lol But I think it also gives insight into what's going on/or not in their heads. I understand your reasoning for trying to keep the relationship from happening. In high school I had a friend who's parents wouldn't let her date. She'd go out "with the girls" and get dropped off at bf's house. I guess my opinion is very similar to Anne Marie's. She's 'in love' and going to do whatever it takes to be with this boy-remember rebellion(going against what mom/dad want) is part of being a teenager. So in some respect she's getting a kick out of thinking she's getting away with something. If you allow the relationship, but put boundaries on it, I think you will find that your goal will be accomplished easier. Oh, and I was spending forever with my first bf too...got a promise ring when I was 16! Sure glad THAT didn't happen; but remember how grown up YOU felt when you were that age. Anyway, there's my 2 cents. I think it's a bit rambly, but you can get the gist! Good luck!!

[deleted account]

First, I would talk to the boy's parents and explain the situation. They may be completely clueless of their son's actions (most are). Then I would probably set some limits as to when/where/how long, they can see each other (with adult supervision). And trust me, she'll have SEVERAL "we'll be together forever" relationships through her teenage years. Allow the boy to come over (with you home) to do homework together (at the dining room table --- NEVER in her room). Take some outings to dinner, the beach, park, museum, etc. and have her invite the boy (absolutely NO PDA though out of respect for you). Once she sees that you're not out to completely destroy her life, she'll ease up and he'll be gone in no time. Also the first time he comes over, have your husband take him aside and (not scarily) explain what is expected of his behavior with your daughter in and out of your house.

I understand this situation even though I have a 17 year old boy. He had a 19 year old girlfriend that he was dating (she was a senior at his school) until I found out she had her own place, then he immediately got limited to supervised dates (yes, at 17 --- because whem my son asked "don't you trust me?" --- my answer? "Heck no!!! Teenagers are emotional, hormonal and they don't think clearly in relationships").

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45 Comments

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Shawnn - posted on 07/15/2014

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Trinity, your HS age and attitude is showing.

Go do something productive, child, and get off your mother's account.

Sophia - posted on 02/21/2014

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I am praying that she will understand how much you love her and. Want many wonderful things to be a part of her future . God bless

Aria - posted on 01/01/2013

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She is only 13. It is normal for her to do these things. My daughter went through the same thing. No matter what you do she will find a way to see him. The only thing that you can do is get a tutor for her and tell her respect her body. For example just talk to her about sexting, kissing, and other things you would like boundrys on.

Rose - posted on 12/06/2012

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Sometimes banning a relationship causes a desperate "Romeo and Juliet" situation between teenagers. I think it would actually be beneficial to tell your daughter that you'll allow the boy to come over (under supervision) if he agrees to work with her on schoolwork. The more time they spend together, the more chance they have of getting on each other's nerves. Relationships at this age rarely last very long.

April - posted on 11/07/2012

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i was 14 when i landed my first serious relationship. No matter what you do id you tell them no they will do it all the more. set rules and let her know she can tell you anything because if she doesnt trust you then thats when the teenage pregnancies happen. Tell her she and him can see eachother and date supervised when her grades come back up and good luck

Shirley - posted on 11/02/2012

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Dating at 14 is way to young.

Disconnect the house phone and hide the phone, hide the cell phones.

Call the boys parents, let them in on whats going on..(maybe they don't know).

Don't want a bird to fly, trim its wings.

Marilyn - posted on 10/25/2012

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No dating til 16 except with younger sibling like brother going with them at 15,That's what my parents did..

Sophia - posted on 10/18/2012

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you should be saying no because she is too young.. not her graded suffering. let me tell you mothers you are opening a box that you will never be able to close. how many boys do you think she will have dated by age 18? care to count ?

Tiffany Ann - posted on 10/09/2012

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if you get permison for ur parent can u date a 21 yr old ??? because age is just a number

Karen - posted on 09/25/2012

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year on............ Alex please share what you did and what happened.



My son is 25years old and had his first girlfriend at 16. My daughter is nearly 7 years old. I answer her questions honestly and openly. I have strong Christian views now and my daughter knows that the Bible says you don't have a baby before you are married, we haven't yet had the question about sex, but she knows a man and a woman make a baby. I don't know what the future will bring, but I will have an open door policy as I did with my son, his friends girls our boys always welcome, spend time with them, get to know them.



The more you say no, the more they will do it. I remember when I asked my parents why they were so different to my friends parents, my friends thought they were great, and my dad said to me, well, me and your mum were your age once! And so that line lives on.

Robby Everette - posted on 09/21/2012

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My sun is the same way but I'm letting him because there is no what to stop it so I said screw it but if he does any thang wrong he will talk to a thieripis so yea

Janeen - posted on 11/08/2011

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Allow her to date but put restrictions. The more you keep them close, the more they push a way!

Michelle - posted on 11/05/2011

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What do you classify as a date? I personally don't think there is anything wrong with a 14 year old child dating, providing obviously it doesn't get to the "necking" and "sex" stage. Believe it or not my daughter was asked out on a date at age 8 by a boy age 10 in her school. I told here they are too young to date by themselves BUT they can go on a date if I'm with them - a chaparone. We all went to dinner. They sat at one end of the restaurant and I sat at the other with her dad and sisters. We could see them but they could talk in private. The boy behaved very politely and gentlemanly both to us and my daughter. This boy has also been to our house to play but my daughter has been told that he is NOT allowed in her bedroom as it's not right for boys to be in a girls bedroom. I have also told my daughter not to "drop" her other friends because of this boy, not to let her work suffer at school and not to give up her obvious interest in following her religion. You may all think I'm teaching my daughter the wrong thing BUT I am hoping that by allowing her to date, albeit with strict rules, she will not feel the need to do so behind my back when she's older, she will learn the "dos and donts" about how to behave around boys before she reaches her teenage years, she will always be open and honest with me and she will not forget her friends or let her grades slip because of boyfriends. To me this makes sense. To you maybe not but I do hope you see my point. I'm preparing for the future really! Oh, by the way, my daughter told me everything they talked about once he'd gone home!

Ellen - posted on 11/05/2011

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I hope you called the boys parents before you kicked him out? What if he really didn't have anywhere to go? If he did get kicked out, that should be looked into. If both kids were just lying, then that has to be dealt with too.

Ellen - posted on 11/05/2011

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BTW, I don't think any child should be dating before they can drive. If you're mature enough to handle the responsibility of a car, then you can start learning to handle the responsibility of dating. I personally think that it's stupid to let a child 14 and under date. If your child is kissing another child, then what does that say about you as a parent? To me, it says you don't care about your kid. If you love your child, then teach them about love, respect, honor, discipline, responsibility, etc. They are children! Don't let them do whatever they want! Be a parent! This world is becoming crappy because children are doing whatever they want because parents are not teaching their kids how to act properly. Bad parents raise nasty brats; Good parents raise great kids!

Ellen - posted on 11/05/2011

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I told my 14 year old daughter that if she didn't break up with the boy she started dating behind my back when she knew she was not allowed to date, that I would move her back to where we came from. That scared her enough to break up and stop trying to date boys...so far. I've told her that I'll up and move us every time I find out she's dating if I have to...lol. I've explained that she has her whole life to deal with stupid men who will make her miserable...until she finds mister right. It's better to enjoy her teenage years without some guy trying to hold her down, tell her what to do, who she can and can't talk to, etc. Just enjoy life while you can. She's been good so far.

Michelle - posted on 11/04/2011

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Wow what a hard predicament. Your daughter is 14. She's in the stages of puberty, she's hormonal, all is changing for her, etc etc and sometimes that can be extremely difficult for her to deal with with. With such "wonderous" times comes bad attitude, rebellion, etc. Aren't teenagers great! Perhaps it's a good time to sit and talk to her, if she will listen, and perhaps come to some agreement that she can see her "boyfriend" at the weekend when there's no school - and be home by a set time - but she has to knuckle down during the week with her school work. Limit her phone use but don't cut it out completely - "once you've finished your homework you can use the phone for whatever amount of time you agree to" - plus make her do chores around the house to earn "talk time", etc. DEFINATELY have the talk about safe sex - scary I know but it's definately necessary for teenage children nowadays. As for them being madly in love and wanted to spend the rest of their lives together - I remember feeling like that with my first "proper" boyfriend as a teenager - don't they all? As a parent you have to be so careful that you don't set so many rules that they don't ever come and speak to you about things. Also remember, she is 14 and, even without a boyfriend, she may still rebel and drop her grades - perhaps she's fed up with attaining such high levels and wants to be more like, probably, the majority of kids in her school. Talking about the future, and encouraging her with lots of praise, may be what is needed for her to pick up her grades again. Sit and read some old school reports where she can see what you're doing and show her how well she's done. I really do wish you luck with this as I think teenage girls are probably the hardest to deal with - I'm really not looking forward to when my girls reach that age LOL

Jenifer - posted on 11/04/2011

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I would really try to have a heart to heart with her in a very calm manner an express my concerns an let her know u believe she is being to serious with him an it makes u worry! let her know if her grades got back to normal it won't be a issue for her to date him. Maybe if she feels she doesn't have to sneak to talk to him she can concentrate on those grades.? I personally haven't had this problem yet. Let me know what ends up working for you.!

LAURA - posted on 10/31/2011

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I tried talking to the parents. They let him do whatever. His mom tries to fit in with his friends. She had him at a very young age. She actually made the comment that she wanted them to get married and have children. This kid is bad news!!!!

LAURA - posted on 10/31/2011

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I try not to push her. This boy is bad news. His mom lets him do whatever. Stays out late. Hangs out with the wrong crowd. His mom had him at a very young age. she tries to fit in with his friends. That's not good. I am trying my best to keep my daughter away from him. She's a honor roll student. He will just be big trouble.

Heather - posted on 10/29/2011

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I agree with you completely, that is too young, i caught my 13 yo daughter having a boyfriend and told her she was way too young to date but we will revisit the issue when shes 16. hope this helps. kids are trying to grow up too fast

Cheri - posted on 10/29/2011

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Take the opposite approach and use reverse psychology. It worked on me. Tell her you will allow her to use your phone to call him for five minutes every night and he can come over and go out to dinner with all of you or dine in but only IF the grades come up. When I was a teen, this was me and my mom shoved the fella down my throat....I was totally irritated and broke up with this guy. Between having him over for dinner, taking him on a trip to Fort Worth for a day and back, I didn't think he was that appealing. When my mom had refused to allow me to see him, that's all I could think about. As for "I love you forever......" it's puppy love and this, too, shall pass. The more you make him off limits, the more she will gravitate toward him. Been there....done that...then I used it with my daughter when she had this little boy she liked. I was NONE too thrilled until my mom reminded me of my own experience. I made allowances and before long, it was over. Grades are back up, too. :)

Toni - posted on 10/24/2011

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Invite the boy over for dinner. Sit down with him and your daughter, discuss your concerns and set up guidelines. Explain you don't want to keep them apart per say, but her grades are terrible and she isn't responsible enough to handle both a boyfriend and school. She is sneaking around to call/talk to him, being dishonest and all of this behavior is unacceptable. So, if they want to see each other, then guidelines must be put in place. Example: Must do homework first, then talk on phone. Group dates only!! If she is caught lying or deceiving or sneaking, then HE needs to respect the guidelines and the rules of your house. And please, please, please, talk about sex....You do not want a 14 yr old pregnancy! You can't stop teenage love, no one ever has, you CAN develop resentment, hatred, anger and a child that lashes out. So, think first, then react. Good Luck and God Bless

Tausha - posted on 10/21/2011

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I do not have daughters so I do not know if my input will help. I found that being brutally candid with my sons helped us. They did not start dating until they were 16 years old. In the mean time, I had educated them about sex, diseases, pregnancy, and the willingness of girls these days. Sadly, the girls in our culture now 'n days are the agressors and will go after the boys. Boys do not need to work as hard to get a date as the girls are the ones going after the boys. I would just be open and honest with her and let her know that just becasue her body is saying something different than her head she must remember _I before E -"Intellect before Emotion." Maybe this will help a little bit. Good luck!

Josephina - posted on 10/20/2011

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Hi Alex, It is impossible to stop your daughter from dating, although she is young, there are too many ways for her to stay in touch with her boyfriend, and you have come to realise that. My 16 years old started dating at 13, all her boyfriends are 'the love of her life', forever and until the end of time. It seems to be full on every time, they dont realise that they will meet many more boys and that life has much more to offer. Dont take any of it seriously, support her, because the more you try to deny her the more she will do behind your back. If I support my girl with her choice of boyfriends she seems to loose interest, and if I really like a boy then it doesn't last long. They like the idea of being in control, wether it be over you or over their friends opinions. Take an interest, but try to keep any negative thoughts to yourself. It is better knowing what she is up to, even though you dont approve, then not knowing anything and worrying about what may be happening. My daughter has younger friends who keep things from their parents, and come to me for help. I think it is sad that they feel that way, but they tell me its because Mum and Dad dont approve or I will get into trouble etc. Trust is important, trust that you have raised her to be smart enough to realise, that in the end you have been there yourself and you know that being a teenager is never easy. Show her you love her and that you are there for her, the rest will fall into place. Give her boundaries, but give her space too. Hope that in some small way I have helped.

Deborah - posted on 10/20/2011

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Have you tried talking to the young man's parents, letting them know whats going on so they can get involved?

Janine - posted on 10/19/2011

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On a separate note... who was the idiot that thought this was funny?? My I begin with at 14 years it is simply trials and rebellion. Sure ppl have great children who dont behave this way, but most do have a child that will act out in this manner. Do you remember when you were 14 and had a crush, you thought you loved him too.... They arent at a mature level where they can understand the difference. You should never degrade her or force your opinions on her. You can speak your mind and tell her how you feel but in a diplomatic, understanding way. If you tell her she can not do something she will more than likely rebel against it, it is a natural part of life. What you need is to be opening the lines of communication. Your daughter may be smarter and wiser than you give her credit for. I dont advocate dating persay at such a young age but maybe if you chose to have him around for dinner etc, you may just be enlightened by the kind of person she is interested in. I understand grades are important, but with guidance, respect and understanding from you, she will probably maintain these grades whist still engaging in a healthy social life be it friends or a male interest. Fighting will get you no where unfortunately despite what you believe it best for her. If she ends up focusing too much on this person and neglecting her other duties or herself, than you have every right to do what you need to, to get her back on the right path. If it is an innocent fling though than you do need to understand that this is a natural progression of a teen. If you cant beat em. join em... Hope it helps and best of luck x

Donna - posted on 10/18/2011

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I have a niece who is 17 & when she says she's dating someone it's actually not like when we were dating. They hang out in groups. I know her grades are slipping & you've been grounding her & taking away privileges but have you sat down & talked to her about why you don't want her to date yet?
If you sat down and talked to her (not yelling or being defensive or even offensive) about this & letting her think you are talking to her as an adult she may actually open up to you & maybe you can come to a compromise where if she brings her grades up, then she can have "dates" where they see each other at your house. This way you can control the setting, & what they are doing. But you have to let her know these are the terms she takes them or leaves it. I went thru this with my daughter where she swore she was going to marry him & they were going to spend the rest of their lives together also. Guess what she's now 26 & has had a few boyfriends after them & also realizes now how stupid she was to think about spending the rest of her life with someone when she was only 14. In some rare cases, they do last and wind up getting married, in the future, you know high school sweethearts do exist. Sometimes when you give them what they think they want-they no longer what it. They fight for it and seem to want it more because they can't have it.

Marie - posted on 10/13/2011

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You are over reacting. You need to back off or she will do stuff to make sure she can keep seeing him. You can not watch a child male or female 24/7/365. I would lay dollars to donuts that if you do not back off some she will be having his child soon so the choice will be made for you. They will make a baby and then what?

Natasha - posted on 10/13/2011

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Have you tried taking the approach where they yes they can date...invite him over for dinner or tell your daughter "hey why doesn't he come over and you guys can both study together...it may be worth it talk to her about her grades and that fact that they are suffering and see if she can understand the importance of it...tell her that he can come over when u guys get home but they have to do some work...I don't know if it will work but it is definatly an option since he is all she seems to care about so it may help to have them do things together...I wish you the best of luck!

Irene - posted on 10/12/2011

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im going through the same thing,my daughter is 14 and doesnt lissten to me one bit

Veronica - posted on 08/12/2011

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Everyones situations is different. I have bought 3 children up on my own and my eldest gave me hell from the age of 14, we had moved from one town to another and i did not like the way she changed in the new school. I eventually moved her from that school and i was the worst person in her life. She is now 42 and has 4 children and tells me now that she is so pleased that i did what what i did. It is so hard to know what what to do but go with your heart, it can be the toughist day in your life, but it could pay off..they hate you at first but love you at the end. Maybe i was lucky but my children now talk about me doing what i did has made them and us a really close family. And maybe us australians think different but we are all parents. Good luck i am sure you will laugh and talk about this in 20 years.

[deleted account]

I remember being a teen and the more my mom pushed to keep me away from someone the more I wanted to be with that person. So my plan with my kids is simply to be involved as much as possible, I think that kids feel we don't trust and maybe we don't to an extent.Personally I would stop resisting and have her invite him over for dinner so you can meet him and learn who he is etc. Set boundries for phone and text times, keep an open dialouge with her and let your daughter know that if she doesn't bring her grades up and does anything to violate your trust then the bf has to go. 14 is too young but the the more you fight her, the more she will fight you.

LAURA - posted on 07/19/2011

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I don't want my daughter to date yet because it's so much different now. Things have changed so much. I think if I don't let her than she will do it behind my back. She's always talking to her friends in secret code so I don't understand. I have explained to her that by losing my trust... that's why I won't let her because she has lied to me. I told her she can't go to a movie with a boy without an adult. teh little boy snuck into my house saying his mom kicked him out so she was going to let him stay over because she was going to sleep in my room. I walked in and caught him there and threw him out. It wasn't anything bad but it could have been if I didnt catch what was going on. I grounded her for a month and took the phone, and the computer. The boy isn't allowed to come to my house any longer. Should I have gone that far.

Tamyra - posted on 07/11/2011

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Hi Alex,
My 14 year old has her first boyfriend. I have been racking my brain for an answer for you.. We told our daughter when we found out that she could not date him alone until she was 16. She is allowed to go on group dates or with a parent present. I told her if her grades suffer the relationship is over until they are raised back up. My daughter would rather lose her boyfriend than her cell phone. She knows I get to check her texts whenever I suspect anything. So far she is towing the line. I am a stay at home mom so I know I have it a bit easier since I am home. I will definetly reply back if I think of anything. We have always kept strict rules and I guess we are lucky they don't try to break them. I will keep you guys in my prayers.

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