My 18 yr old is wanting to do what he wants but still lives at home.

Melanie - posted on 05/13/2013

I would be very interested to know how parents enforce all of their advice about their 18 year old doing precisely what they like, when they like. All I ask is that he comes in at a reasonable time, turn up for meals, say where he is going and when he will be back. I have talked the talk about respect, disrupting family life & this is my house, my rules but he takes absolutely no notice. ! He says now he is 18 he CAN do what he likes! I have also told him, if he doesn't like my rules, he can go elsewhere but he doesn't really have anywhere else to go and is still in full time education at the moment. If anyone can give me some ideas or strategies to put in place to get him to treat me, home and the rest of the family with more respect I would be very grateful. I am a single parent so there is no man to back me up. I have managed brilliantly without one until now.!

Betty - posted on 07/25/2011

I couldn't agree more! :)

Angela - posted on 07/25/2011

So he's not "adult" enough to keep his employment? Yet wants to stay out late etc?

Tell him that if he only wants adult privileges but kindergarten responsibilities then he's not properly grown-up yet.

Jeanette - posted on 07/20/2011

Julie I think most of us agree that at 18, one is entitled to some freedom. I really will take a hard line with my daughter if, as Lisa has implied, she disrespects me or my husband. If my daughter works, pays at least a portion of her expenses and gets good grades if we pay for school, then yes she will be treated as an adult. I had a full time job and paid rent, so I was allowed more freedom. When my kid is 18, we'll see who she is and act accordingly. My day is fast approaching, believe me! You should be proud of your son. He is working at making grades and building job experience. Lisa's post led me to believe this may not be the case for her son right now. That is why I posted such a strict sounding reply. Wish me luck with my soon-to- be teen! I will need it!

Julie - posted on 07/19/2011

I totally agree with you,I have 5 children never had curfews to be honest never had this myself I ask them to call in if they are out every couple of hours just so I know they are ok,we only have one house rule respect others as yourself it works well I dont breath down their necks,I know I seem very lax but it has worked for us,if one of us picks any of them up at 11pm there is no problem,I suppose because I dont say much they know what I say I mean.I cant get my head around throwing a kid of 18 out of the house besides in this economy where the hell are they supposed to get jobs,my son is home from university for the summer and is doing voluntary work with the disabled which he loves just as well because paid work just isint an option!

Jeanette - posted on 07/19/2011

You are right! I am a "bossy mum!' I don't know why I should provide for someone who considers him/herself an adult. Adolesence has been prolonged until around 25 years of age by our society,and I think it can be a bad thing. If my child wants to live in my home, she must follow at least minimal rules of courtesy. I paid rent at age 18. I also let my Mom know where I was and what time I would be home, or if I would be gone overnight. If one is expecting to be provided for then some rules should apply.

Julie - posted on 07/19/2011

ok nobdy will agree with this but I feel as long as he isint causing trouble for you or anyone else like comming home drunk or creating hassle for the rest of the family leave him alone,its a difficult age they are chidults,neither child nor adults,better off buliding a relationship with him cos you will get nowhere by arguing,18 is very young to be out of education is their not some further course of study he would be interested in,my biggest worry for him is boredom that is so dangerous,if he really wants to go let him but assure him his home is always there,dont cut off his safety net,Im not suggesting you allow him to disrespect you but dont cut him off! I feel this word Adult is too much used some people are adults at 16 and others still arent at 40!

Bonnie - posted on 03/12/2010

explain that if he comes and goes at all hours it disrupts you home and sleep. You might also try to explain that knowing where he is in an emergency is why you need to keep up with where he is. I have a daughter that I have the same problem with and when she realized that her coming and going at night while I was sleeping was causing me to loose sleep and be grouchy she decided maybe it was better to come home at a decent hour lol. I sort of made the grouchy really bad for a couple of days before we talked lol

Val - posted on 03/12/2010

18 no school or job;; well I would be telling him if he thinks he is such a grown up then pack your stuff and move out and pay you bills and buy your own food. Then you do not have to worry about having to tell anyone when you are coming in or where you have been, since it will be your own house. AND do not break down and help me till he agrees to your rules and gets part job and goes back to school

Connie - posted on 03/10/2010

I have 3 daughters 18,16,12 and s single mom to kick it. My girls have been told since birth, u get pregnant u will give it away, im not raising it and as long as Im paying for your bills, that even includes college then I have control!! Period!! Untill they r on their own supporting themselves they r mine, u still have control or better yet kick him out let the world smack him in the face. The gentlemen I am dating is going thru the same thing, his is also a son and he is not mature for 18 and sure doesnt make 18 choices the boy dont even have his license, the kid has been told more then once by glad Im not your mom..his dad is great but is at lost what to do. Now im dealing with not stepping in to much, the "kid" has tried that 18 crap on me and it didnt work, that saying goes both ways..if your 18 act it..when u start acting it and step up to adulthood then I will see u as 18. Hang in there and it truely is a give and take thing, he gets job and curfew can go up some....he starts giving u money towards food and he can have more time out with friends....when he gets a job his boss is not going to reward him for doing nothing, he has to learn u work for everything in life. Good luck and hang in there, u r a mom stand strong otherwise they might take over..LOL

Donna - posted on 03/08/2010

I got rid of my daughter's curfew at 18 when she graduated but she kept a job and was going to college. She was required to let me know where she was going so I wouldn't worry. That was just showing respect. When she got to where she couldn't do that I had to ask her to move out. You need to tell your son that if he wants the priveleges of being an adult, he needs to behave like one and if he can't then he needs to find a different place to live.

Katie - posted on 03/06/2010

Hi Lisa, I am a mother of 2 son and 2 daughter all grown thanks goodness, I had to endure some of that stuff when my oldest son was home, I tell what I did, these are the exact words that I told him if you want to be grown, you need to be in a house of your own, long as you're living under my roof and I'm feeding and clothing you, you're going to do what I say or GET OUT!!! and I put both foot down and he thank me now for it today. Best of luck and hang in there!!! it will get better I promise.

Debbie - posted on 03/02/2010

The only way my kids were able to stay under my roof when they turned 18 is if they followed my rules and had a job. Have respect for us and help around the house. They did not stay long but just as long as they needed to. After they found out what it was like in the real world they did return to our house and did a re-do. Then went out and tried again and succeeded. :)

Diana - posted on 03/02/2010

Just curious, its been a monthnow since you posted this, ......how is it going?

Shannon - posted on 02/26/2010

you and I are very fortunate that we have had children who have been trustworthy (most of the time). Many people don't have children who are this easy to raise into young adulthood. I know I work with these kids and their parents in my professional life. When you don't set firm limits and act like a 'prison warden' with young adults who are making your life miserable it is called enabling.

Jeanette - posted on 02/26/2010

I posted before, but I agree. When I was 18, I had already had a job evenings and all summer long for about 3 years. Still my Mom Reminded me that as a n adult I would need to pay rent, help with chores and tell her where I was . Kisd now seem to feel entitled to respect, with no real cocept of how to earn it. I have a daughter who is 11. I'm working now to teach her that she must earn what she wants. I hope it's working because tough love is going to be just as tough on me as it is on her but I will do what it takes.

Leigh-ann - posted on 02/24/2010

absoutly do not engage in any argument w/him it validates it.like i said conform to your plan or hit the road.he can come and go as pleases when he pays his share of household expenses.dont even ackkkkkkkkknowleedge his presence if he is being argumentive !get out a calender circle a date4 to6wks) at that date he pays or moves period.

Catherine - posted on 02/24/2010

At 18 he's old enough to make his own decisions, but if he chooses to live in your house he has to abide by your rules. That's pretty simple, I think. It doesn't mean he can't do whatever he wants, it just means that he has to make the choice between staying and leaving.
If he is still in school, I would set a curfew for weeknights but not for weekends. If he's working and pulling his own weight, I'd back off. And if he's not going to school or working, I'd be all over him like a cheap suit.

Linda - posted on 02/21/2010

I have my 29 yr old daughter and her 3 daughters living with my husband and I. We have had some knock down drag out fights about what is expected around here from her and the girls. She is trying to get her cleaning business going because she cant find a job, not like she is the only one the way things are now. She is trying and they all help out around the house. I don't know to many 18 yr olds that dont try and push thier independence, better he find out how cruel the real world is out there now while he has you. Let him live in tent in the back yard for awhile, when he finds out he has to save money for an Electrical connection to even begin, same with most of the other utilities and that shampoo, toilet paper, and food dont magically appear he may have a new respect for what he has. HE can "buy" an extention cord, food, utility service and so on. Reminds me of the cartoon of the Dad sitting at the end of the driveway with a box of encylopedias with a for sale sign on them that says "For Sale Teenager knows EVERYTHING"

DEANNA - posted on 02/21/2010

Hi Lisa, I'm Deanna. Children are funny at that age, they want to be treated as adults, but still need us as children and we Mothers want them to grow up but won't cut the apron straps. LOL!
I did this with my daughter when she moved back home at 19. Asked her if she wanted to treated as my daughter or my tenant, here are my options.
Options 1 the child: If he is a minor in High School and he is 100% dependent on you financially, then let him that it is your home and there are rules to follow. Let him know that as his parent you are responsible for him and his actions.
Options 2 the tenant: Since he is 18 y/o and considered an adult by law, does want to be treated as an adult, if he says yes, then treat him like on. He would need to get employment and be 100% dependent on himself. Create a contract regarding his monthly rent, use of utilities and that would include cable and land lines, use of washer/dryer and food. If he agrees to this then let him do what he wants within reason. Also, don't leave out use of family vehicle, this will let him experience what doing what he wants is at a cost.

Elaine - posted on 02/21/2010

Well, Lisa, I would imagine that he has done what he has wanted to do all his life, and that this isn't a new problem. The reason I say that, is because I have a 17 year old son, my youngest, who is the same way. I know where it comes from, I spoiled him all his life!

Jenni - posted on 02/21/2010

Well its a long time since mine were 18 but here goes - once my boys turned 18 (one went on to college and the other went out to work) we decided to give them alot more leeway - they didnt have a curfew but were always expected to let us know if they were going to be very late and where they were - and most of the time they did exactly that - 18 is a difficult age - young people want to feel independent of their parents but usually underneath need their support still - we brought the boys up with the idea we didnt have room for passengers on our ship - everyone had to play their part be it contribute to the cost of running it or (as when one son was a student) contribute in practical ways - we told them they could expect our respect only if they respected us and that meant respecting the age gap and the fact that we wouldnt always agree on issues - I spent many an hour having 'late' in depth discussions with both boys and of course there were arguments - wouldnt be normal if not !! but remember your son will grow out of his teenage years very soon and believe it or not he will take on board at least some of your morals/ethics - and at the other end he will probably turn out a very nice and responsible adult - my boys are farthers themselves now and I am very proud of them - it is hard work but bear with it and try to look at life from his perspective now and then - and hey its very very hard to start to let go.

STAR - posted on 02/21/2010

If he doesn't agree with the rules of your house then maybe it is time for a little bit of tough love. Lock him out if he is not in on time and let him figure out where he is going to stay. When he sees you are serious then maybe he will be a little more responsible and respectible to you.

Christine - posted on 02/21/2010

You give respect to earn respect!!!! And sometimes we have to learn that the hard way.

Christine - posted on 02/21/2010

OMG Been there. It is tough no lie. But stay strong if he doesn't do as you ask or expect of him give him consequences. I would take my sons phone away after all I was paying the bill he even had the nerve not to give it to me when I asked for it so I had that phone locked he could make no phone calls he didnt like it much. I can tell you as soon as my son graduated he moved out only to move back in with girlfriend in tow a few months later. That was two yrs ago and since he has moved out again because he doesn't like our rules. If he asks for ride somewhere dnt take him. If he gets calls and you answer the phone dnt give him the message or phone. Cook dinner for your family and not him, tell him food isn't free we work hard for it so unless he pays for it in cash he doesn't eat the only other option is sticking to curfew. Take cable and t.v out of his room, I'm sure he has that but arn't you paying the bills. Just be tough and do not give in. Make life hell for him if he does that with you. My son wouldn't listen to me I heard the same ole I'm 18 now over and over. There were times when he needed us for something a ride borrow the car a few bucks for the movies or presents for his girlfriend and they didn't come free I made him work for every bit of it....
Good Luck hope some of this helps at least a little. Just know you are not the only one out there that goes through this with there 18 yr. old

Debby - posted on 02/21/2010

I'm sorry to say...but you all sound like a bunch of bossy moms and I have to say that I am glad I am not your child. Maybe I am not understanding how bad your kids actually are?? Remember that at 18 they are old enough to go and fight for their country and see people killed or kill people themselves.....these boys deserve some respect themselves. You sound like a bunch of prison wardens! Thats my final say on this matter....my opnion only!

Lori - posted on 02/21/2010

Until he can hold his own and pay his own bills, you are still the BOSS. He should have some leway (sp), but with respect to his parents. You are still his mom. Tell him you still care and worry when you don't know what's up. There is no arguing, just the basic facts.

Michelle - posted on 02/21/2010

It sounds like he is trying to become more independent which is a good thing...however I read somewhere that children who are 18 still need our guidance, rules, and support even though they won't admit it. In our household the rule is "as long as my money is in your pocket, you abide by our rules and expectations". So far so good, but they still will try. Ignore their moans and groans and tell them the truth...you love them and for their safety a curfew it is!!!! Good luck!

Charlotte - posted on 02/21/2010

Hi Lisa....First thing..He is in your House..Key word YOUR..He has to Learn RESPECT.He want's to Argue with you..Put a Mirror in front of Him and Tell him to Argue with himself.Age has nothing to do with him being An adult.Is he acting like one...No He doesn't have a job? Is he in school? Set some guidlines..You support him and He's telling you what he's doing...changes need to be made now..or your really going to have problems..I could go on and on with this..LOL need more help..Feel free to email me at charannmcd@yahoo.com good luck Lisa

Debby - posted on 02/20/2010

My advice...and its only advice...is not to chase him away from home. Although life is different here in South Africa. I would rather have my child at home with me. Once he has left you have no control at all. Treat him as an adult and he probably will act like once and become more responsible. I have found out that the more I am friendly and fair with my kids the better they perform, the more they are responsible and they have more respect. Its a give and take situation and its difficult to see out little ones grow up and want to make a life for themselves. There must be rules and I am sure he will abide by them.

Jeanette - posted on 02/20/2010

I was allowed a lot of freedom at 18, but I paid rent and had a job. I did not come and go entirely as I pleased. My Mom made me call if I was out past11. Her reason for that was that 21, not 18 is actually the legal age for drinking and for a person to be legally responsible for thier own actoins. Also your parents always deserve the courtesy of a phone call if you live at home. If he still needs to live at home, he should live with some rules. Adults provide for thier own needs, follow the law, and live on thier own. Kids live at home,and have rules. I think a family meeting may be in order.You will have to set some terms and both agree to live by them, or he needs a job and an apartment of his own.

Debby - posted on 02/19/2010

Hi there
I have 2 daughters aged 22 and 18 who have never had cerfews. The only thing they were taught is responsibility and to be able to deal with the consequence of their decisions. Both girls are fantastic and have never given me one days worry. I am a very proud mom. They have grown up to be responsible and kind and if they are in any doubt always ask me for advice.
I feel the best way to parent a child is to give then the responsibility and just tell them of the consequences of making wrong decisions in life......there are a lot of examples out there to show them! I never had to give them cerfews....they both had mobile phones so I could be in contact with them at all times. They just sent me messages throughout the evening to let me know where they were and to let me know they were okay.
Trust your children and let them know you trust them and they will respect you and do you proud!
Debby
South Africa

Suzanne - posted on 02/19/2010

Our last son went through this. He had been raised to respect his family and was choosing not too. We told him that, he did not care. We gave him a dead-line to meet. Job, we did not give him any money, get his drivers licence, he had chosen not too, his own car, insurance and his own gas. At he end of the dead line he had to leave, unless he followed the house rules and decided it was time to be responcable a grow up. He knew we met it. We did not argue or debate with him. It was stated with respect, firmness and love. For a bit he would be out very late, etc, but he sarted coming home and telling us he had be good and not doing stuff, that was a big change. He started to work on the things we asked. When the dead-line came he was working very hard to met them, we talked and moved the line because he was not playing games. A lot of his reaction to us was our non reaction to him, we came to the place it was not our problem it was his. That was hard and harder to really mean what we said. Mean what you say and say what you mean, they are grown up, even though we think they are children and need to have the consequence of there actions. But be there when they are ready. They do grow up, ours did and he is a wonderful husband and father now, a loving firm father, he means what he says and says what he means :)

Diana - posted on 02/19/2010

Lisa, First of all, my sympathies to you. Thinking back upon my early adult years, I knew it all too, and did not feel as if I needed to have rules let alone a curfew. Well I learned quickly that being an adult ment living by adult rules......one of which was "if I could not hold down a job and pay a meager rent in my parents home, then I needed to seek shelter elsewhere." So having no clue as to how much it really would cost, I decided it was time to ~Go on my own~

Fast forward 23 years, I have a 21 year old and she is has been on her own for 6 months. But she did live at home past the age of 18. This is only due to the clear and precise understanding we both had, she was to pay her own insurance, phone bill, and part of the rent, and clean her own laundry. She came as she felt, however if she was not in be by midnight, she let me now, that was her responsibility. She let the ball drop 2x and we sat down, and discussed the living arrangements....the conclusion was that we made a deal, break the rules and we must evict. I know it is hard to get through to our kids, we love them and do not wish any harm upon them, however allowing them to not have consequences for their actions, only gives them false hope that the REAL world will be as kind to them as we are.

I have three younger girls at home (10, 9, and 8) and I hope to be able to communicate and relate the importance of being an adult is more than having the freedom of being an independent person, but a contributing member to society.

Good luck to you and to your Son

Alicia - posted on 02/19/2010

You are not alone. This next groupof grown kids seem to really take 18 to heart that they can say anfd do as they please.I live with a 22,19,and a 18 year old and they think think that they know it all,do as they please, not answer to any thing ,say what they want .Thier savings grace is the economy because if this had been 15 years ago they would be out of my house . They need tough love. They are taken advantage of us because we dont want to throw them in the streets. It would b hard but they need adose of reality.I have never seen such a disrepectful generation ever that this one.They dont want to do amything, they are selfifish,petty,vindictive,users,malnipulaters,cunning and a whole bunch more..I know it is harsh but it is the truth. The thing is stand your ground. No matter what this is just the begining.

Renee - posted on 02/19/2010

Yep, show the "man" the door. He can stay IF he gets a job and contributes to the household like an adult, pay rent, pay for his own car and expenses. You can tell him that although you understand he has the "entitlement virus" as I call it, life is hard when you're homeless, jobless and darn you still have to follow rules.

Lois - posted on 02/18/2010

Charge him rent. He wants to be an adult...let him try. make a rental agreement. he wont be able to stick to it and will have no one to blame but himself........or.....he will get a decent job....pay u rent for a while and then move the heck out!!! what do you have to lose??????

good luck

Karin - posted on 02/17/2010

When our son turned 18 (today is his 20th birthday) He said he was an adult and quit school and moved out. Well...that did last for about 6 months. We let him back home but...NEW RULES: wrote them down and made him sign the rules.
But y oh y did we let him bring in a puppy he had?

Wendy - posted on 02/17/2010

You must stick to what he was going to expect at this point. Did he have any idea of expectations? I know communicating is difficult but must be done somehow. It does mean certain freedoms...but NO JOB?? He needs that or hes still just a 'teen' if you ask me. He needs to afford his freedom too. How else will he know what to expect out there? Make a plan along with him if you can. I now have a 23,25 and 30 year old. Each out of house early...they wanted to be FREE. Went thru rough times but are ok now...and they GET IT.
I know its not easy. Good luck to you!

Francine - posted on 02/17/2010

I know exactly how you feel. We have a 17 year old at home who thinks he can just come and go as he pleases. His curfew for week nights is 11:00pm and weekends 1:00am. What I have starting to do and I know this will ask that you stay up as late as he gets home but let me tell you it might work, call him out on it. The nights that he does break curfew (and this is what I have started doing), I meet him at the door going as far as opening it for him. It embaresses him and then I ground him and he has to explain to his girlfriend (in front of me) why he's grounded because he wants to spend all his spare time with her. Hope this helps you out. Hang in there, in a couple of years we might just have a good laugh with all of their stupidities.

Brenda - posted on 02/17/2010

My husband and I went thru the same stuff with our oldest daughter. She now has a great job and pays rent!!! We let her know that if she didnt like our rules then maybe she needed to move out? Renting her own place was too expensive..lol She has been working for 3 yrs.now and pays rent plus her own bills. Stay Strong!

Karla - posted on 02/17/2010

tell him if he has a job and pays his share of the bills then he can have a say or he can move out if he doesn't want to listen and help with the bills

Donette - posted on 02/17/2010

I told my 17.5yr. old that when she turned 18 I will treat her as a roommate. She has to pay rent, clean up after herself (she has to now as well), have a portion of the household chores (a continuation).

She just recently got a job, however I was telling her that if she didn't by 18 I would put her out of the house at 8a (with or without preparation) and wouldn't let her in until 6p. I'd allow her only a portion of food per day. 30m max in the bathroom per day (I know how to turn off the water and power). And in her room by 10p with lights out. As an adult who is not on the lease (or mortgage) I have the right to have her evicted.

If she refused to comply her choices would be to 1.go live with her dad, or 2.get her own place. I reminded her that as an 'adult' I would treat her as a tenant. If rent isn't paid you get evicted. If electricity and water isn't paid it gets turned off.
The only way around all this was if she remained in school (college).
Now she has a job, and is planning on taking part-time college courses. Hopefully I won't have to follow through. I'd much rather her find out about how life works with me that with the government.

Betty - posted on 02/17/2010

I am having the same problem. I am a firm believer of my house, my rules. I also have two younger kids and if I let the oldest get away with that kind of behaviour then the other two would definitely start to mutiny...lol. You should defintely sit him down and discuss either going to college or getting a job. How does he pay for stuff? Please tell me you aren't giving him money. If that is the case then you could use that as leverage for him to change his attitude.

Shari - posted on 02/17/2010

We have a rule, you want to live in my house you have to live by our rules...no matter how old you are. My 33 year old daughter found this out in December, when I told her that she had to leave, she moved back home in July,saying it would only be for a month...we said that was fine..well....... it ended up being longer and because she had our grandkids with(I made the mistake of enabling her) and I felt sorry for the kids. Mistake......
Oh sure she was mad,but you know what it got her moving. Oh the grandkids are living with their dad now,because she doesn't have a job and she is living with a friend of hers. It is a messed up situation that they (daughter and soon to be ex) need to work out on their own.

Now my 20yr.old is still at home and she keeps the place clean and tidy..and is attending school.
My 15 year old well she is going through a lazy stage, but sees how not to get tossed out because one is taking advantage..so she says she is going away for college.

Eleanor - posted on 02/17/2010

Sorry I'm not replying with advice just total emphathy with you, I to have a son who will be 18 in april and is exactly the same, thinks he knows it all and will listen to nothing I say, I'v actually had to ban him from coming to my house under the influence of alcohol as he is totaly unbarable and I have another two kids aged 22mth and 12yrs so I'v got to think of them too. He know goes and stays with his gran when he drinks which is now most of the time. In saying that he still manages to hold down a full time job. Good luck with your son, everone keeps telling me mines will grow out of it, hope it's soon lol x

Veronica - posted on 02/16/2010

If you tried to talk to him and he dosent listen, than maybe its time to put him, out i have 4 kids and sometime i had to have tough love, u have to get him ready for the world and some times there not as nice as we are.

Ann - posted on 02/16/2010

we have locked our son out a couple of times. but then he just leaves his windo unllocked. ours is working on his GED, and at the moment working for a friend of my husbands. he contributed a bit to the household because he is working at the moment.
It is hard they do have to learn that it costs to provide for themselves. I would help him explore things he is good at. the job market is really bad right now my husband has been unemployes almost a year with the exception of two one week jobs.

Lisa - posted on 02/16/2010

Thanks for your response. Greatly appreciated.

Joan - posted on 02/15/2010

hi

when my son reached that time when he felt he did not have to answer to anyone i told him it was time to pack up his stuff and move out. i also told him that if he wanted to stay with us he did not have to ask for permission to do things but he still had to tell me where he would be and who he would be with.that was just a matter of common courtesy. i expect the same from anyone who lives here.as far as your curfew is there a good reason why he cannot decide that for himself? i just expected my son to tell me if he would not be home at the same time as usual.i would tell him he needs to have a job.you can't be a grown person and exist on your own without one.

good luck