My 23 year old married son threatened our lives because of the life he is living behind his wife's back....

Lis - posted on 06/09/2012 ( 4 moms have responded )

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He has been trouble since he was four years old, one thing or another. By the time he hit his teens, he was stealing from me and anyone else that had anything he wanted, sneaking out of the home, running around with "wangsters", refused to follow my rules, etc.



Fast forward to now. He married his long-time girlfriend in November 2011. He was cheating on her before they were married. In fact, he was cheating on her, pretty much, throughout the entire relationship. We tried warning her, subtly, throughout that time. He was using her for her money. He doesn't want to work. He lays around until he feels like getting up out of bed and then disappears until the wee hours of the next morning having spent her out of house and home. He drinks and smokes pot heavily. I've been told he also uses cocaine here and there. He deals as well. He sleeps with strippers he meets at all the joints he regularly goes to. There is so much more I could say, but this is the gist of it all.



A couple of months ago, his wife called us and asked us for the truth about what we knew he was doing. He had been using us as his "alibi" when he wouldn't go home to his wife. He also used my sister and her husband as an "alibi"...all without our consent because we refuse to lie for him. We finally told her everything we knew. This past Sunday night, she went to my sister and her husband and asked them the same thing. They told her everything they knew, which apparently was even more than we knew. She confronted him and he responded by hitting her head against the car and choking her. Yes, she is still with him. She doesn't believe in divorce.



This past Monday morning, he woke me by calling me on my cellphone and screaming/yelling about how he was tired of everyone "lying" about him (no one lied about anything as the things we told her were witnessed by us and were also things he had, himself, said to us) and everyone was going to pay for what they are saying. He's going to kill everyone, specifically me, my husband, my stepson, my sister, her husband, and his ex-best friend. He is going to take out his vengeance on us all and I'll believe it when I see it in the news, etc. He's never threatened our lives before and there is a history of violence against me in his juvenile record. I am scared of him. We filed a police report in case anything happens. We were going to file for an injunction, but were told that, because he made the threats the way he did (told my sister he was going to kill her, her husband, the ex-best friend and me and then told me he was going to kill my sister, her husband, my husband and my stepson), he didn't make direct threats...he went around making direct threats, except for telling my sister he was going to kill her and her husband (he knows she won't do anything about that), so the judge would not grant the injunction on "hearsay".



I haven't heard from my son since Monday after the phone call. My heart aches knowing that my son has basically disowned me. My husband is his stepfather and there has never been a real relationship between the two of them, so my husband feels nothing about it. My heart aches because I may have lost my son forever. At the same time, I'm afraid of him. He can't be trusted. Life has to go on, but how am I going to come to terms with being estranged from my only biological child? Do I just write him off in my heart? How? My husband has flatly stated that that was my son's last chance and he blew it, he's not permitted to come around us unless he has straightened his life out and apologized years down the road. I get what he's saying, but my heart is a different story.



Has anyone else been where I am now?

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Jean - posted on 06/13/2012

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My kids have all been addicted to drugs, Lis, and I understand the battle that you are facing, both with your son,and with yourself. My eldest son uses drugs occasionally, which I don't approve of, but he has always been able to control himself.



My middle son had a very severe drug problem, and even tried to commit suicide because of it. His girlfriend was a very bad person as well. Apparently, she was quite abusive to one of her kids. She had 5 all together, the two youngest were my son's children. My son was so addicted to pills and smoking crack that he didn't even realize what was going on most of the time. She made it clear that we were not welcome to visit there, so we didn't see them often, and didn't realize that things were as bad as they really were.



Someone called the Department of Children and Families on her, and, as a result, she was arrested for the abuse, and her kids taken from her. My son was also arrested, because they said he didn't do anything to stop what was going on, but he was so strung out on the drugs, that he didn't realize what was going on at the time. His two boys were also taken from him, and put into foster care, since we didn't have any family members who could take them. I have a very bad back, and am not physically capable of chasing a one and three year old, and I didn't believe that I would be able to give them the care that they required, since I couldn't even pick them up. His parental rights were terminated by the court, and the boys are in the process of being adopted. He is facing 5 years in prison, and will have nothing when he gets out. All because of drugs.



My daughter is the worst of the three. She uses pills, and from what I understand, methamphetamine as well. She shoots drugs in her veins on a daily basis. She has never threatened to hurt us, but has, on several occasions, attempted to overdose and kill herself. She can't get with a decent man, only ones who use drugs and beat her. She only calls once in a while to ask for money,which I will NOT give her. She has stolen from me and probably everyone else that she has come into contact with.



She came to us about 2 years ago, and said that she wanted to get clean, so we helped her to get into a rehab. She stayed clean for about a month after that, and then went straight back to the drugs. My heart hurt for her, just as yours does for your son. It takes a lot of time, and a lot of realistic thought, but, if you are honest with yourself, you will come to the realization that letting your son go is what is best for you and your family.



I know you do not wish this path for your son, just as I don't wish it for my daughter. It sounds terrible to say, but my life is much more calm when I don't hear from her. I wait and wonder each day when I will get the call that she is either in jail or dead. I know that day is coming, and it is just a matter of time, unless she finds a way to get herself clean and stay that way.



I know that you have probably done everything you can for your son, and now it is time to let go, and let him live on the path he has chosen. There is nothing that you can do to change or help him at this point. The only way that his behavior will change is if he genuinely wants it to. It makes no difference to him what you say, or what you do. He will not give up this addiction until he wants it in his head and in his heart. Until that day, if it ever comes, there is nothing you can do. It does NOT make you a bad person, or a bad mother. It just makes you human.



Believe me, I do know exactly how you feel. Give yourself some time to heal, and sit back and look at the situation like you were an outsider, and you will know that you have made the right decision. Cutting ties does not mean that you don't love him, or that you don't care. It just means that you have had enough, and you can't live your life in constant fear of being robbed or beaten or worse, because the drugs have taken over his life.



Once you understand that he is a grown man now, and the choices that he makes now have no bearing on you as a parent, you will see that you have made the right choice. We can only give our kids so much knowledge and guidance these days. They listen more to society and their friends than they do to us. I know that you will always love him, and will always be there, but you need to let him know that you are firm in your decision, and you also deserve a life.



It is time to put yourself first now. You have done your job, and raised him the best that you could. Again, these are now HIS decisions, not yours. Just take some time to yourself, sit down, have a good long cry over it, and then gather your heart and your thoughts, and move forward with your husband. You can never write your kids off totally in your heart, but you CAN try to harden your heart some when it comes to the situation that he has put you in. Once you can come to that conclusion within yourself, you will feel much better about things. It will always be on your mind, but you can not let it consume you.



If you ever need someone to talk to, please let me know.

Philippa - posted on 06/13/2012

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I havent been in the situation that you are in but I think your husband is right. I think your son should stay away until he has sorted himself out but you need to be prepared for the fact that he may never change. Some times the best thing we can do for our kids is be cruel to be kind but at the end of the day it is up to them whether they learn from their mistakes. Some people dont want to change. You need to put yourself and the rest of your family first. It will be difficult because he is your son but you are entitled to be happy. I hope things work out for you and your family but sometimes you just have to turn around and say enough is enough.

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Lis - posted on 06/13/2012

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Jean, bless your heart! You've been through so much! I'm so blessed to have you in my circle and I will definitely come to you.

Your words make me feel stronger and able to get through this and move on.
Hugs!
Lis

Lis - posted on 06/13/2012

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Philippa, thank you so much for your supportive and encouraging words! You're a treasure! Sometimes we just need to hear that we are doing the right thing even though our hearts are broken. Thank you so much!

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