My teen and I are at odds!

Latisha - posted on 02/10/2010 ( 11 moms have responded )

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We can't agree on anything: what to eat, what to wear, hair styles, makeup, schools, wearing a coat when it's cold................. Any advice from veterans is appreciated.

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Therese - posted on 02/15/2010

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We don't have to agree on everything and if we did it would be weird. The important thing is that they realize that we support them in the things that are important. Is hair and makeup really that important? I don't know..school is. So what I want her to know is that I am her biggest support at school and she can come and talk to me about it whenever she needs to. We don't have to agree. I can listen to her hurt, her anger, her difficult times without trying to pass judgement on it.

About wearing a coat when it is cold...I have a 50 year old brother who has never worn a coat and I don't think he has been any sicker than I have ever been.

Hope this helps.

Susan - posted on 02/14/2010

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Join the club. If they would agree with me I would faint!{;
Also, it's good to pick your battles. If it physically hurts the teenager, like illegal drugs, etc. I am very opinionated about. If it a nose ring, well. It's his nose.

Liz - posted on 02/11/2010

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Oh I remember those days and they were not with my son but between myself and my own Mom. The more she pushed one way the more I pushed the other. If her hair and clothes bother you DONT LOOK and she will not let herself freeze to death,that coat will get put on. Find someone you can trust to vent to when shes not around. My Mom told me years later that she spent a lot of time shaking her head at the choices that I made. She admits that when she decided to ignore those things that I wore etc things got easier for everyone in the house. Clothes,food and hair are not worth the stress. Being at odds over these things could push her away when it comes to the REALLY important stuff.Smile,hug her,tell her you love her then go out of her sight and shake your head in disbelief. Keep loving her and hang on it does get better. :-)

Patty - posted on 02/10/2010

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Hi Latisha,
You are definately not alone, I can suggest a few insights for you. First your child is trying to be in control of her life, she of course is at an age she believes she "knows what is best". Pick you battles, if she chooses not to wear a coat and becomes sick or worse frost bitten that would be natural consequences for her behavior. Hair style is for sure a phase, she will look back and say OH MY G I did this to my hair? Let that one go. Make up, not sure how old your child is, but compromise, she doesn't need to look like the walking dead, but a little light make up o.k. Remember you are the mom, you are suppose to be the "dredded one" that means you are doing a good job. Keep it up. As for the clothing issue, no brests, no butts, no cracks, no straps is my rule, the rest is o.k. meaning I don't want to see any cracks, butts, boobs, or straps. She needs to follow these rules. Hope this helps.

Tonya - posted on 02/10/2010

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My only advice is to pick your battles. My twin daughters both left for the bus this morning in 29 degree weather with NO coats. It is just not worth fighting over. I know the school admin as well as the local police and even the Child Protective Services people. They know that my children have coats that they choose not to wear. They are 13. The important things are important to argue over--seeing people that could harm her or lead her into a bad situation. Hair on the other hand will always grow back. What to eat and wear and even makeup will all work itself out.

If it helps, I have a 25 year old. She pays her own bills and is on her own. I do not approve of what she wears to our church. I do not approve of her living with her boyfriend. I do not like the way she wears her make-up. And she is just not eating right at all. Did I mention that she failed out of college at the age of 19 and has to pay her schoolarship back before she can even THINK about taking classes again. She is a literal genius and works as a Nanny and yet my brilliant daughter can't understand why she is not happy at her job.

Did I mention that I am proud of her? She is on her own. She pays her own bills. She bought her own car. She has a job and is providing for herself. She may be living in sin, but she has chosen to attend church. She believes that family is important and calls home at least once a week.

My point is that it will all work out.

Now remind me of these words of wisdom when I return home from church tonight with three teen-aged daughters in the back of my mini-van fighting over the cutest guy in Youth Group.

Hang in there.

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Cindy - posted on 10/28/2010

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I agree with pick your battles, but I also think that as long as you are clear and consistent on your rules then you will be fine in the long run. I told my daughter that she could start shaving her legs when she started her period, wearing makeup and dating when she turns 16 and can dye her hair when she turns 18 (then it will be her decision) I am not a control freak, but I have my reasons, and I have told her those reasons. She may not like them, try to argue over it from time to time, even tell me that her friends get to and may even think I am a horrible mom, but in due time she will get to do those things, why rush it? I think to not let them do everything they want just because their friends are doing it, builds a leader, not a follower and I think that you need to allow your child to be able to use you as a scape goat, and you need to tell them that. It will come in handy for them.
I have raised two that are what I consider successful adults and working on my third.
Good Luck your kids will always be the best investment you will ever make!

Sarah - posted on 10/28/2010

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I agree, you need to pick your battles. Some are much more important than others. The hair, clothes, makeup, and food are minor battles compared to making sure there are no drugs, alcohol and sex. I would say stay strong, let her know you are there when she needs you and that you care. Also try not to let the little things get you, as that might be part of the reason that she is doing them. Above all Pray:)!

Susan - posted on 08/16/2010

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Three words. Pick your battles. It's just going to drive you crazy if you argue constantly with your teen. They will think they know it all until they are 30. I have a 19 year old that still thinks I'm stupid. I'm getting my Bachelor's in Psychology.(;
Susan

Leslie - posted on 08/11/2010

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Let the child be. Pick your battles. Hair and makeup, wearing a coat is quite trivial. Allow her some freedom in personal expression. Once you lay off a bit they come back.

Latisha - posted on 08/11/2010

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Thanks everyone who shared wisdom with me. This parenting is getting better little by little. I learning to listen more and talk less (although that is not my natural disposition). It certain increases the peace! I'm also reading a wonderful book: Age of Opportunity - A Biblical Guide to Parenting Teens by Paul David Tripp. It is helping me tremendously!!!!! I recommend it to anyone who's a parent!

Gwendolyn - posted on 02/11/2010

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Pick your battles for sure. This is the I know generation. Because trust me when they need your pearls of wisdom they will use it but they wont let you know they used it and that it worked. Hang in there they will need you more when they become adults.

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