of worrying, teen pregnancy & parental support~need to vent!

Teri - posted on 06/03/2010 ( 5 moms have responded )

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We recently relocated to another state for my husbands job. Our daughter who is now 20 was not coming with us. 3 days after we left she was on the phone crying she needed to come home. We opened the door once again we were 700 miles away & my baby was on the other end crying. My heart broke. Long story short, she left that day & came south to us. A couple of weeks went by & I was getting suspicious, I though she was pregnant, turns out she was. The sperm donor, as we will refer to him, was a loser in & out of jail, we tried to advise her but she knew what was best for her. We back off knowing soon she would figure it out, she did, a bit too late.
Now we have a beautiful grandson whom we adore & will do everything to insure his well-being. Problem is that our daughter knows that, she is getting some assistance from the state the rest from us. We are supporting her & her son & she remarks that being a single parent isn't that hard! That infuriated me. She continues to think of herself & put herself first. She has a job which she does not take seriously! We are at out wits end. She has no motivation but condemns others in her same boat.
How do you enforce tough love when you have a grandchild involved? How do you get through to a child that had so much potential & continues to no nothing about it? How do you handle the heavy heart that all this causes? How?
I want so much for my children but I do not agree with "giving it" to them! But now I am forced to because of this precious child.
She is 20 & still young, guess I am left with holding out hope for a brighter future for her & her son, holding out hope that she "gets it"....soon!
To anybody who reads this & understands Thank You! & I am sorry because if you understand you may be going through this as well.
Thanks for listening!

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5 Comments

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Gina - posted on 06/06/2010

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Awesome ntombi, That is exactly what i tol dmy daughter in a nut shell. Good for your mom and good for you and all that you are. I am not even your Mom but i am so proud of you.
Gina

Gina - posted on 06/06/2010

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Hi i will tell you what you do , because i was am the same boat . exsept my daughter was only 17 when she had my beautiful grandaughter. The first thing i want you to know nothing can happen to you or your life unless you let it happen . You are the one to contrall how and what to happen .
I remember my daughter making a comment about not being able to go to school. I freaked . I told her don't you make that baby your crutch . You can do anything you put your mind to. She went to special classes for young Moms. So she got her grade 12. She moved into the fathers parents place, a two bedroom basement apartment. After about two years they were not interested in eachother and she moved out. My grandaughter is now 7 and they are still real good friends and help eacother with her.
She had a bad spell where she was on welfare her and my grandaughter moved into my 1 br. aprt. for 7 months. I was working long hard hours and coming home to a mess. She woul dbe on the computer and nothing else was done. I was paying for everything. She was goingout with friends when ever she wanted to coming home at 4 when i had to get up at 4:45 -5:45 a.m. for work.
I finally put my foot down an dtold her that while she was here she had to pay $100.00 plus clean up after her and my grandaughter, she had to either cook dinner or do the dishes evry night. She did it .
Finally i decided that it was just to much she was taking advantage of me and i told her she had to find her own place and do her job. She cried and said she was to scared to do that she had never been on her own, this was true. she went from my house to the living with the father , to her an dher friend getting a place wich the friend took advantage of my daughters good nature.
I explained that i will always be here for her but if she didn't try she would never know what she was capable of. That was 5 years ago and she is working and living with another guy who is pretty good to the both of them . Sh ehas proven to be an excellent Mom and young woman.
The fact here is you need to cut the strings and let her learn and grow if you give her everything she won't try to make her own way.Why should she if your going to clean the mess and make it right. Read this carefully and you will know what you have to doI hope i have helped in some way. Good luck i am here if you need to vent.
Gina

Teri - posted on 06/03/2010

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she does care for him when she is around, I make sure of that, as much as I like to hold him the minute he needs fed or diaper change or even gets fussy he goes to her. I just wish I could kick her out on her butt & be assured that the baby well-being was protected, she DOES NOT KNOW what it is like to be a single parent. Trust me we have countless talks about her be accountable for her life & now this child's life. Yes I do feel like we are being taken advantage of, but it is only allow to happen because the love for that child. Our lives were to get easier, but instead they have become more stressed & complicated. I told her I would help her on weeknights that she had to work & in return she was going to take care of my nail bill, not much, but it was free! Weekends were for my husband & I. We just bought a new boat & by damn we are going to enjoy it! She just doesn't get it though. For instance she condemns people on welfare & government assistance who are covered in tattoos. Well she is getting assistance, just not from the government (us) & I found out this morning logging on to fb that she got the inside of her ear tattooed, by a friend, she says did not charge her. This after just getting a tattoo on her bicep nit more than a month ago. She is not acting like a responsible adult! I want her to grow up & get with the program! Goot run thanks for listening!

Louise - posted on 06/03/2010

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Maybe it is time to take a back seat for a while with your daughter and her child. This way you will force her to be a mum to the child and take responsibility. Book a holiday for you and your husband and leave your daughter to it to arrange child care and hold down a job and care for her child. This would be a short sharp shock to the system and it might just be enough to make her realise that she has it easy at the moment.

Ntombi - posted on 06/03/2010

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I got pregnant at 19 and I was at varsity. My mother called me all sorts of names and likened me to a dog whom you tell not to eat shit and they go and do exactly that. She screamed and shouted at me so much and told me what the consequences of my actions were. I was at home for 3 months before varsity started and had to study for exams. In that time my mom, bless her soul, used to wake me up at 5am to wash the babies nappies (this was 23 years ago). afater that I had to was the babies bottles and make sure that I had a bath etc before the baby woke up. She made me believe that my life centred around the baby. I could have had a lot of help but she made sure that whenever I was around I would understand the responsibilities of having a baby.
Maybe yor babby is having too much or believes she has too much support. My mother made me believe that as much as there was support, I was responsible for my daughter. I had my second child 10 years afterwards at age 29. Thanks to my mom.

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