Should I charge grown kids rent?

Karen - posted on 04/23/2010 ( 425 moms have responded )

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I was fortunate to get family home from divorce.I couldn't bare to stay another minute in home due to bad memories.I moved out.House was empty for about 7 months.I left all furniture.I started fresh and new!

Grown kids were having trouble with their living situations so I gave them the house rent free!Large 3br 2bath 60 by 30ft yard.Sons 28 and 20 daughter 22.They keep breaking things in home and don't tell until mad day comes.Then they call me to fix the repairs. All of them work.I don't want my property to go down. I had the faucets replaced, the storm door is falling off,The carpet needs shampooing! ( I love my Bissel and don't want them to break it!) I offered to buy paint for the downstairs,they had a nerve to tell me what color they want.All I wanted was for them to have a good head start in life and not have to worry about a roof over their heads. Lets not get into how they call me up and argue over who ate the food up in the frig.I'll come running with groceries every 2 weeks.I spend more money on the grown kids than I do my 16yr old that lives with me and new husband!Hubbie tells me to cut them off and let them fall and learn.I know he's right,but I sneak behind his back and still do for them which causes friction in my home.Whats wrong with me? I owe them nothing!!I'm just a sucker for them.

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Corrina - posted on 04/23/2010

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if they are living rent free tell them they are responsibe for the upkeep and if they dont like that arrangement they can move out and find a more agreeable landlord. and as far as the food what do they spend their money on? ya i know its hard and ive been going through sinilar with my 2 oldest off n on but enough is enough. its hard but we learned and need to help our kids learn you have to take a grown up pill and start taking care of yourself.

Sandy - posted on 04/23/2010

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Karen, I think you should be aware that you are not doing them any favours by being there for them at ttheir disposal. Firstly they will not learn how to be responsible for their own actions i.e. looking after the place, paying bills, rent etc., budgeting for food and so on. It is hard, we actually moved out of our old house and into a new house 10 years ago, leaving the old house to the two older kids. They were told that under no circumstances were we going to finance their living and they did learn to cope. At no time did we back down on this decision and it is probably one of the most positive things we have done and to this day, we will not help out financially. They wont learn how to be dependant and this will carry on to their perspective lives when they become involved with partners, have kids and get their own places.
It is hard to say no, and they will probably crack the grumps big time when you start to say no, but just explain to them that they are now adults and need to be behaving like adults. You didn't mention if they worked or not, I would be charging 20% of wages or payments for the rent. I would give them an altimatum, and I know this sounds harsh, but basically saying "if you dont pay rent, water, gas and electric bills and taxes, then I am asking you to leave" I am not carrying you any more". It is called "tough love" and believe it or not one day they will appreciate and respect you for it.
Good luck with this, it isn't an easy situation to be in, as I say having been there myself, but it does work.............
ps. we have an 20 year old living at home with us and hubby charges minimum board and he is the most spoilt little brat I have ever met, many arguments over this but this is his son and the older two are my kids. The difference in the kids is amazing..........Sandy

Linae - posted on 04/23/2010

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My husband and I are long haul truckers. Our two kids (29 yr boy, 27 yr girl (and her 2 yr son) all live at our house because it is easier for them and there is someone in our house while we are gone. We charge them $250/month which covers their share of the water, sewer, gas, electric, garbage and cell phones (they're on our plan) plus leaves cushion room for when the cost of the utilities fluxuates (I don't change their costs each time the electric goes up or down). My daughter pays her own part of the car insurance (she drives and just bought a used van with her income tax refund) and he doesn't) and they both buy their own food (my daughter is on state assistance right now so she gets food stamps and help with her daycare while she works and goes to school). Right now my daughter is only paying what she can because she is only working part time while she goes through dental assistant school. But once she graduates and gets a good job, she knows that she is back to $250/month again. Occasionally when we have a really good paycheck we may donate money to help them with food. We pay the mortgage which includes the taxes.

We have had kids in and out of our house for approx 14 of the 22 years we have owned our home and each one there has always had to ante up. We split all of our utilities between whoever is living there and we even pay a share because we use the utilities (obviously) when we are home which can be anywhere from a weekend a month to a weekend every 6 weeks.

If your kids aren't expected to pay anything, they are going to have a very rude awakening when the cost of what it costs hits them full in the face because they can't live off of your generosity anymore. I don't want to be rude, but they are destroying your house and you are covering the cost of everything....how long do you want this marriage to last? If you current husband finally gets sick of the situation...get a backbone mom and set some rules and some rent (at LEAST that).

Susan - posted on 04/23/2010

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My daughter and I have both our names on a lease to purchase and she pays more than I do on the bills as she makes more than I do. I've been lucky to NOT have to get my kids to help out when it's needed. I'd say it's most definately time for you to at least give them fair warning that THEY are living there in YOUR home and THEY need to fix what they broke. What would they do if you were no longer around to do for them? Not that I'd wish that on you, but they would pretty much have to stand on their own two feet and maybe it's time they know that BEFORE anything were to happen to you and they are SOL. Don't you think??

Addison - posted on 04/16/2012

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Since they r in there 20's you need to either charge them rent(i know its hard) or kick them out.Sorry. If they are breaking your stuff and dont pay for anything you might need to kick them out.

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Kirsty - posted on 03/28/2014

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Hi
You could be renting that property out no? There going to have to learn that thing's are Not free in life and they should have to pay rent and upkeep the house like anyone else would have to do. I know their your kid's but God Forbid if you needed to sell or rent that house for whatever reason (It could be anything Nobody knows whats around the corner!) what would they do then? They'd have to rent and pay bill's food etc,. they'd probably be lost! You have to look after your family that's needing you now!(Not that I mean they don't!) I mean the 16 yr old lad. You have to let him see that also that you have to work/save/ etc to survive in life unless your minted or something lol! I hope things work out! Keep us updated that would be really nice! Best wishes:)

MAD AS - posted on 05/02/2013

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I have a better understanding of how your hubby feels then I do yours. I'm a stepmom that has 2 children 11 & 14 and a wonderful step daughter ( most of the time). my hubby is a wonderful man as well however, he tends to do to much for his daughter. I believe this makes him feel needed and he thinks this will keep them home. Unfortunately it is not in the job description of a parent. It is a parents responsibility to teach their children to support themselves, to follow rules (In & out of the home) . Allowing your children to live without independence will cause them more heartache and despair in the long run. To many parents want to be needed and loved more then they want their children to succeed . Our children s success means that we are no longer needed in the same way we were 5 - 20 years ago. You will still be needed if you give them their independence but you are also respected and appreciated.
i hope this helps you see it from another perspective. I know it always helps me!

Kerry - posted on 08/30/2012

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No , sell ur old home and move on with your life , i have my 31 y/o son with me he does pay rent minimal i must admit , but yes they need to pay like we all did , i am going to sell that home and buy in the country , then he has to find some where for himself.

Bobbie - posted on 04/16/2012

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Quit doing, get them to sign a lease to maintain the home as it was when they moved in. Also charge them rent. It teaches them responsibility. They will be paying rent somewhere if not for you. When they move out you can give them back their rent if you want but only if they have acted like mature adults. My dad only charged us rent if we were not going to college. My sister paid rent as long as she lived there after college. My dad and mother did give her the rent back when she had her first baby and both her husband and she were working. Your choice but don't give them a free ride because they will expect it the rest of their life. Are they at least paying the utilities? Get tough you could probably get a better renter.

Wendy - posted on 04/14/2012

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You are not actually helping them, you are just making them Lazy and dependent. Believe me ( I am speaking from experience), unless you cut them off and let them be responsible, they will be EXPECTING you to keep and support them forever.

Jessica Michelle - posted on 04/12/2012

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First, your a Mom and I understand your wanting to protect them..BUT.... your husband is RIGHT.. OMG I can't believe what they are doing to you, and at that "age" 28, 22, and 20? for real? I have told my kids that I will support them' by way of a roof over their head ONLY IF THEY ARE GOING TO COLLEGE!!! You are not responsible for them at this point... You are doing them a DISSERVICE at this point by letting them think life is this easy... they need to do everything for that house, yard, paint, food and furnishings...if you LOVE anything in there, get it out cuz if you do this they will be upset...

They need to cover rent, taxes, utilities, water all that.. Life is hard and at 15 my Mom died, I had 2 older brothers and they finished raising me, other than that I have had to make it myself... from time to time I will call for help, but I am now also disabled from doing CPR on a patient.. anyway... when my son turned 16 and his grades were good, he got a job, saved for a car, and went to England like a vagabond on his 18th birthday.. he stayed with people that loved guitars and stuff, no hotels or anything and came home withing 6 months...he has been building and selling guitars since he was 17.. He is now 22 has been working steady and just closed on his home in Aug 2011.. NOW he is moving to have his dream job in a fantastic place where he can build guitars full time!! IF I had let him stay with me, he would be doing some minimum job with no satisfaction... when he came home from England, he stayed here BUT had to pay me rent unless he was in school again.... You need to let go and make your kids find their dream and you to get a break..

I have a 16 year old that is a junior Olympic competitor and she doesn't work and that is fine, her passion is in what she does, BUT at 18 its $$$ or school and I only cover the roof and stuff... Being a Mom is tuff and I have been a single one since my husbands early demise so I understand... You owe them nothing and if you don't cut them off completely you are harming who your trying to protect. They do need to fall, or find their way and your 16yr old needs you now... 16 has been a tough year for my dtr emotionally figuring out life and boys and all... Please let the others learn..I can't believe that the 28 and 22yr olds are still living off you, the 20 (if in school) would be understandable but by the way you are talking probably not full time school with him... HELP YOUR KIDS and evict them, sell the house and spend it on a great vacation... or spend it on your side of the fence....

Angela - posted on 04/11/2012

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Most parents would charge their grown kids rent/lodge money even if they were living in the same building with them!

Repairs and maintenance in a house you're not personally occupying but still own is YOUR responsibility. How can you do this without the income from the rent?

Grow a pair and demand your dues!

Jean - posted on 04/08/2012

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Absolutely charge them rent! And unless the issue is maintence related, tell them to sort out the repairs themselves. Even my 4 year old understands that damaging something himself then complaining about it only results in 'Well, you should have taken better care of it'. By all means,, let them come to you for a complaint, then call a professional and let them foot the bill. If you continue to bail them out, they'll continue to take advantage.



I totally agree with Deb Boynton, a swift kick in the ass for all three would do the world of good

Marion - posted on 11/17/2011

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I would charge them rent, make them pay for their repairs, don't buy them food and if all else fails kick them out of your house and have them rent a real non family owned home. You are way too soft and they know it. It is time they stand on their own 2 feet.

Sara - posted on 11/17/2011

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Yes. Do not pay for their food, either.

I graduated into the early 90s rust-belt recession, which was every bit as tough as the current national situation. All my other friends moved home. I was told I wasn't allowed, that I was done, time to fly. I thought it was the meanest, cruelest thing -- and it was! But man, I learned fast. I worked horribly hard, multiple low-wage jobs, because I had to, and Iearned how to be poor and how not to be poor. I pulled myself out. Had I not had that education...well, I'd have been in big trouble 20 years later as a single mom.

Charge them rent or put them out. Your husband is right. Show them love, cook them a meal once a week, but don't carry them around in your apron anymore. It doesn't help them. :) You sound like a wonderful & loving mom.

Raisa - posted on 11/14/2011

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Would you adopt me?! I pay rent, keep a clean house, and don't break things. LOL

HECK YES, They should pay rent! I can't say too much because at 25 my dad still pays my phone bill and care insurance. He pays for it because of my son. He wants to make sure I can call 911 if need be, or take him to the hospital should something happen. When I lived with him though, I paid rent.

Rhonda - posted on 11/13/2011

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Yes they should pay rent. If they don't they should pay the upkeep including fixing, the insurance, taxes, and anything else that goes with the house.

Rhonda - posted on 11/13/2011

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Yes they should pay rent. If they don't they should pay the upkeep including fixing, the insurance, taxes, and anything else that goes with the house.

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i would but i wouldnt spend it. it would teach them responsibility. but id save the money and when they got married or had their first child id give them what i saved for them.

Kimberly - posted on 11/06/2011

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heck yeah. It teaches them responsiblilty. I made my 18 year old son pay rent living at home. No free loaders. I told him if he wasn't in college he would work and pay rent. I taught him that he was an important part of this family and as an adult he would contribute like an adult. So how much more should a 28 year old with a family in his own house pay rent.

Julie - posted on 11/05/2011

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Sounds like you are not only enabling your children to depend on you, but you are depending on them as well. It is unhealthy, and you as the parent have to make the change first. Lead by example with forming a plan and sticking to it. There will be back lash, and retaliation that could ruin your relationships for a while. But in the end, they will thank you. (1) YES you should be charging rent. "Nothing in life is FREE" should be one of the many life lessons you teach your children. IF you can afford to save the rent for them so they can get their own place, that would be ideal. Give them a time frame to accomplish the goal, and work with them towards achieving Independence. I am sure they want it, just as much as you do. Tough Love Mama, it's a harsh world out there and you want to turn out survivors! Good Luck

Debbie - posted on 10/21/2011

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Hi Karen, you supplied your children with a house the least they could do is pay the bills and keep the house up..it's nothing wrong with you helping them ..your children are your children for life ..but they really are taking advantage of your kindness..put your foot down have a talk with them lay some rules and stick by them..and last but not least it's never good to cause confusion in your home listen to your husband about this situation ..just try it and see your children do this because they know mom is going to come through for them!!!!!! good luck

Elaine - posted on 10/12/2011

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Ys you should charge them rent also they should be paying the bills and buying their own food, if they lived somewhere else they would have to.

Katherine - posted on 10/08/2011

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I am the same about my son. He is going to be 21 next month & he lives with his father. I moved out a few months ago because I couldn't take life there anymore. And my son doesn't contribute to the bills like he should because he is working. I used to get aggravated about my son not helping & fighting with him to give money every week. Then I gave up because I was getting too stressed. Now my husband is behind on the bills & I don't know what's going to happen to them. If you leave your child to "sink or swim" & they decide to "sink" what does a mom do? Let them wind up in the street?

Melisa - posted on 10/03/2011

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The children should already know the facts of life. If you want it work for it. You have given them a place to live they should be resposible enough to handle the upkeep and repairs. Its time for the to step up or GET OUT!!! Rent is due on this day of the month after the 15th there is a late charge. Life lesson: You don't owe them anything at this stage in their lifes!!!!

Nancy - posted on 10/01/2011

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What would I do??? I WOULD TAKE THEM TO COURT AND LET THE JUDGE TELL THEM WHAT'S ON HER/HIS MIND ABOUT THIS SITUATION! You're not letting your grown kids to learn how to depend on themself...I would back out of everything and throw them out of the house to show them what it would be like living on the street until they learn to take up their responsibilities as a grown adult. I never had to depend on my mom for crap since I was 17!

Isabel - posted on 09/30/2011

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Who pays the home owners insurence on the home? & the utilities? You buy the food too? Karen- time to charge for damages and rent- or sell the house. give them the choice. grow up or get out.

Ashley - posted on 09/30/2011

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Hell of a time to cut them off! You should have instilled the discipline a long time ago and none of this would be happening now. But what’s done is done and I really don’t think cutting them off all of a sudden will help them at all at this point. They will fall, yes, and not get back up.



However, if you think they will never change unless you change, it's better to WEAN them off your assistance than just cutting them off cold-turkey. Say, "You are living here rent-free and YOU will be responsible for all the damages to the property while you are living here. I am not your landlord, I am your mother, and I’m doing you a huge favor. The usual things landlords do don't apply to this situation because the usual tenants pay a damage deposit and rent. I will not start charging you rent right now but you MUST pay for these damages. If you want a custom paint color, you must go buy it yourself and return it to a color of my choosing when you leave."



Do not let your children abuse your property or YOU! They are disrespecting you. You sound like a good mother and you deserve respect! Demand it. Tell them what you feel. Say, "I am giving you everything, you're spoiled, and you have the nerve to make even more demands?" Contrary to what others might think, you don't need to be rude or mean when you say it. Just be very calm and honest. If you act mad they'll get mad and not even listen to you. Guilt is a powerful tool for grown kids like these. You should make them feel guilty for their behavior.



As for my own kids, I will let them stay in my house for as long as they need, rent-free. As long as they are in school, college, trade school, or working -- basically, doing something good for themselves and the family -- they can stay until they are ready to leave. The "real world" is very cold and unhelpful. Family should not be. I am a firm believer in this, and that families should be one unit. But you must also demand that they respect you and your home.



If I were you I would tell them they can live there rent-free (I would feel guilty kicking my children out just so I can make some extra income off a property). But tell them they must cover all the expenses of living in the home - like utilities, cable, and food expenses. You don't need to make money off of them, but you shouldn't have to spend anymore either. A situation like that is definitely a blessing for any young adult who needs to start taking some responsibility, but it doesn't sound like your kids are understanding what it takes to be successful in life. This is not the time to cut them off, it’s time to teach them. Your methods haven’t worked so far, so CHANGE IT! Demand what you want, and MEAN IT!



As for your boyfriend, frankly, what you do with your kids is none of his business.

Amy - posted on 09/24/2011

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Personally I feel they are at an age where they need to learn responsibility. If they have jobs, they should be paying rent and taking care of repairs. They wouldn't last long in a regular rental if they were treating it that way. Think of it as preparing them for the "real" world.

Brittany - posted on 09/23/2011

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If they are in your home, destroying things, yes I would make them pay rent, plus 75% of the current repair bills.

If they could not or do not want to pay rent tell them that you will be listing it for rent and once you have someone to move in they must be gone. Plain and simple.

They need food? Tell them Wal-Mart is open twenty four hours.

This may sound harsh and I am not trying to be mean. If my children were acting this way I would do the same thing. If my children were living in my home, taking care of it, working, going to school, and not calling me to cry about who ate the last pudding then, no I would let them live rent free and have no problem buying groceries. When they started acting like little children instead of grown adults, then I would start.

Becky - posted on 09/23/2011

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CUT THEM OFF! I had to move home after my divorce with my daughter. My parents charged me $300/mo for rent. Cheeper than any where else I could find, and I could still catch up on my bills. The money they asked for help with the extra costs of 2 more people in house. I'd buy groceries when my mom asked me to, but mostly she took care of everything. It was a sweet deal! (kicking myself in the ass now for moving out & buying my own house! lol). My parents helped me to help myself. Part of the deal was that I had to help with the cleaning, cooking, gardening, etc . . . I pitched in where I could because I appreciated what they were doing for me.

Marion - posted on 09/23/2011

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YES! We charge ours $250/mth as of their 21st birthday. If they don't like it they are told to try and live in an apartment for the same price.

Lika - posted on 09/22/2011

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Yes, charge rent. They work. Maybe since they pay, they will care about what happens to the property. When they break stuff, have them pay. If they get mad, so what? If they were college students who were struggling, that would be different. Then it should be free because they're being productive.

I know you want to be a mom, but quit bailing them out. You are NOT doing them favors by doing such. A day will come, you won't be able to help them. Then what? Reality will have them homeless if they do that in a rental property. Part of being a mom is to give them skills to live life, and you still have grown kids that act like young teens. Are you sure they're not 13, 14 & 15 living on their own? It sounds like it.

Also, what about when you get to the point where you can't help because you're old, and need help yourself? They don't know how to care for themselves, much less for an aging parent, who is much more difficult to take care of because Mom is supposed to take care of them... When they find out they can't sell your house and stick you in a nursing home w/o paying them the worth of a whole house, they'll probably get mad at you then too, and you'll be old and homeless, too.

I'm a home care aid, and you have no idea how many times I've seen those situations in real life, and it's NOT pretty. Grow a spine before yours breaks.

Randi - posted on 09/20/2011

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Make them pay rent....Are you living rent free? And stop buying them food.....all you're doing is making problems for your new husband, by going behind his back. You're lying to him, and that's wrong!!!

Dana - posted on 09/14/2011

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The definiton of insanity is : to keep doing the same things and expecting a different result. You want them to love and respect you, but you have taught them to take advantage of you. When someone takes advantage of our good nature, we do not reward them with gifts to encourage more bad behaviour. You have to decide that you deserve to be treated better. You have to set the example of what is acceptable. If their behaviour is not acceptable then you need to distance yourself from it, not reward it. Give your gifts of time and appreciation and efforts to those that give that back to you. Focus your energy on giving to those that give to you. When they do not receive any more freebies, when you distance yourself and focus on your own life, wants and needs first, you will no longer let any one take advantage of you. If it does not feel good, then don't do it.Being a parent means providing love and guidance so that they can go and take care of themselves. Not to be a maid, servant, & constant financial supporter. Your have to change your thinking and create new ways of loving. If they respect you, then they will actually be happier when you make them stand on their own. You actually hurt them by not letting them make their own way, they need to know how to do it on their own. In school the teacher didnt do the lessons for you. We learn by doing...let them go, do it on there own. You would do better by charging them a minmal amount of rent, putting that money into an account for them if you want ( without telling them) My did charged me room and board as soon as i graduated. It helped me get ready for paying my own bills when i moved out.

Vickie - posted on 09/13/2011

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Number One: Tell Hubby to MYOB they are your kids. You are right you owe them nothing, nothing but a sit down and a firm talk. If you are not charging them rent then they should at least be paying to repair what they break, they do work. I think you should play hard ball with them and show them some TOUGH LOVE, it is time they learn you are not their door mat you are their mother, if they can not respect that then they can pay rent, either to you or some place else. Let them buy their own groceries, they make money and are not going to go hungry. I know you love your kids but you have one at home that needs you and is probably suffering because of 2 grown siblings. What I just said is just advice... take what you want and toss the rest aside, I will pray for you.

Wanda - posted on 09/12/2011

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These are grown adults and they need to take responsibility. Sell them the house and see how they will take care of what is theirs. You are making it easy for them and they know they can come to you and you will help. They are totally taking advantage of you. Tough Love is what you should give them. You are taking on too many responsibilities that should not be yours, They are grown kids., I would draw up a contract - and have them pay rent, if they don't then they need to find another place to live. You have a responsibility to your 16 year old, not 28, 20 and 22 years old. And you said they work. Oh No, Good luck Karen, but if it was me, they would be out. It would hurt, but I would peace at night. Rent it out to someone who will give you a return on your property, not cost you more on your property.

Tania - posted on 09/12/2011

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Hi Karen,
There have been a lot of post on here. Please let us know what's happened. Please, please tell us you done something about all this.

Tatjana - posted on 09/08/2011

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So has the family meeting happend yet ... did you manage to get it sorted out ...

Christie - posted on 09/06/2011

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quit being a sucker for them! They have to become mature, responsible adults and as much as you, in your good nature are trying to help, it is HURTING them, putting them further behind, soon they will be in their thirties and they will always fall down, because they have a safety net! Charge them rent and tell them they have to start getting on their feet and give them a timeline to be out, and don't be soft, sorry. I wish i could do this right now, my stepson moved his family in and it's wrecking my life, marriage. I am looking for another place right now! I can't take cleaning their bathroom, cooking every meal they eat, and then they walk away when they are finished and let me do everything. I've begged my husband to step up, but what little he has said, hasn't had much effect and he has no follow through! I am tired of being left on this sinking ship. Think of it this way, do you want your kids going to someone elses house (a roomate,a spouse) and treating them this way. They need to act like adults because they are. I lived with my mom too long, and now i wish that she would have sent me on my way sooner! I believe i would be further in life if i had to stand on my two feet and hadn't always had her to fall back on when something didn't go right. You will get bitter and there will be hard feelings on both sides. I know it is so hard, but sit them all down and tell them this is for their own good. We have caused our kids to be so entitled, there won't be any responsible adults if we don't start having some tough love! I hope this doesn't sound too mean, but i believe it to my core! You don't want your kids not knowing what to do when something happens to you and they are to old to start out or take care of themselves. GOOD LUCK! I mean that!

Michelle - posted on 09/06/2011

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As much as you love them, I think you're being far too soft on them and I think they should be responsible for paying rent, buying their own food and basically living the way they would if they were with any other landlord. You may be responsible for repairs on the house but, if they purposely damage something then they become responsible for the repairs. I've got to agree with your husband on that one really - sorry - good luck x

Shannon - posted on 09/06/2011

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frist i have to say you are a great mom. after my family lost our hme and everything yeah it would have been great if my parents just gave me a home. but your not doing them any favors. for the longest time anytime we got in a jamm my parents were there to bail us out. but after we lost our home i realized i needed to start depending on me yeah the frist year was hard. i am on disablity and so is my husband so we have a liited income and 3 kids 16 and twins that our 10 but i realized i needed to take care of my family. yes they should pay rent. how are they ever gonna learn how to take care of themselfs and it does take away your confidence nd they end up resenting you for helping and you end up resenting them. they need to learn nothing in life is free. trust me depending on other to take care of your needs is not good. they need to learn to take care of themselfs and they will feel much better about themselfs and you guys ill have much better realationship.

Hegotme - posted on 09/05/2011

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I would certainly request money from them. Allow them to live rent free and live as you have explained says alot about how they appreciate/respect you. Wherever they go, they will have to be responsible and we as parents are our children's first teachers. They should definitely be more giving on their part. To sneak behind your husband's back could back fire on you, I would suggest working to end that.

Tia - posted on 08/31/2011

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charge them rent, they want to break things, they can pay for it. they want to eat, they can buy their own groceries, they want to have things done to the place. THEY CAN DO IT. they are at the age where they need to learn this shit. lol pardon the language. i pay my parents rent, 120 a month, cook, clean, and occasionally if they really need it, give them more money to buy food or something that's needed around the house. it gives them an idea of what it's like to live on their own. i am about to pay for my own insurance and lemme tell you, i am GRATEFUL my rent is 120 lol because i make 500 a month, 120 goes to rent, 100 goes to gas, 40 goes to diapers and wipes, sams club is CHEAP lol and 100 goes to groceries a month and insurance is going to be expensive

Pamela - posted on 08/30/2011

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If they refuse to pay rent, then give them a 30 day notice to move out. If they still don't, then just sell the place. It is either that or get the police involved, and I know you don't want that. :-)

Jennifer - posted on 08/30/2011

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I wish I had a landlord that bought groceries and refereed my roommate arguments and issues. Can I rent from you?

Pamela - posted on 08/30/2011

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It sounds like you don't really want them to grow up. That you want them to remain children. That way, you will always be wanted and loved. But what is in reality happening is that they are losing (if not lost) respect for you. You have permitted them to use and abuse you. It is abuse when they expect you to be responsible for their behavior. I say, they need to ante up and pay for rent, utilities, water, the whole enchilada, and their own food. Hoping you will get a backbone- for your sake, for all of your children's sake and your marriage's sake.

Rena - posted on 08/29/2011

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We teach people how to treat us, and you are saying 'dump on me and I will come back for more". You aren't doing your kids any favor by letting them live rent free. You helped them out and that is commendable, but now it is time to treat them like the adults they are. Give them a date that rent will begin and if they do not want to pay rent then find people who will, or put the house on the market. I have sometimes felt bad that I was not in a financial position to help my daughter much, but because of that she is an amazingly industrious, financially savvy 23 year old. This will not be easy for you, but don't let your older children destroy the marriage you are currently in. Nobody wins then. Good luck!

Renee - posted on 08/29/2011

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You should charge rent.. and not buy their groceries.. i know ive had the same situation and finally had to do the tough love thing.. and if something else get broken evict them for damages.. they are grown and should take care of themselves.

Tracie - posted on 08/29/2011

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You are doing them no favors by keeping them dependent. They will never learn how to do it for themselves if you keep doing it for them. Do you want your children to be strong, independent people? That doesn't happen by magic. It happens by taking responsibility. I say charge them rent, make them pay for anything they break and make them buy their own food. You know, like real life. Since you're their mom and you're trying to help them out, maybe you can charge half rent or something like that to help them get ahead so they can eventually have enough money for their own place. That's the big goal, isn't it? You don't want them dependent on you forever, do you? Of course not. You're a loving and conscientious mom who wants her kids to have a great life. The best tool to give your children is self reliance.

Good luck!!

Sarah - posted on 08/29/2011

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You are their mom, you are always going to want to help them. But just like when they learned how to walk, they fell, they got back up, and they tried again. Sometimes they scraped themselves up but you didn't stop them from trying the next time. As mom's we want to protect our children from everything (believe me if I could put mine in a bubble I would) but we can't and we have to let them make their own mistakes or they will never learn. And I hate to say it, but what are they going to do if something happens to you? They won't have any help what-so-ever. I say charge them rent and tell them that they need to fix the place up (clean the carpets, paint, fix the holes, the yard, whatever needs to be done) or you are going to charge them each a deposit as well so that when they move out you will be able to fix everything up or pay someone to do it for you. I would also tell them that they need to be respectful of your house or they need to find a new place to live. I would also tell them that if they really need help with groceries that you will help them (you're their mom, you're not going to let them starve) but if you find out that they are having parties and inviting people over and spending their money on alcohol then they will be cut off completely as far as that is concerned. I used to have friends that would buy alcohol and snack stuff with their paychecks for when their friends came over but then later in the week before pay day they wouldn't have any food left and they would go ask their parents for money. I was so frustrated with them because I lived with one of these friends and I would buy enough groceries for he and I to get by until my next paycheck (he was in between jobs) and I would come home from work and all of these people would be there eatiing all of the food that I had just bought. I was so angry, I was very responsible because I did not like asking anyone for money or help, ever and I had been on my own since I was 18. I knew what it was like not to have food because I didn't have the money for it so when I did and then he let all of his friends eat it, I was so angry, I cried, and I'm not a crier. Anyways, that is my suggestion. You don't have to charge them a lot in rent but I think that (depending on their job) $300 is reasonable for each of them and a $300 deposit for each of them if they do not do the things that you have asked. :)

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