step children and children,

Lynette - posted on 10/27/2009 ( 7 moms have responded )

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hi everyone, this is sometimes something us mums by the time we have reached our age frame, well this is more than likely something we have come to experience as well , tell me your pro's and cons, i want to here what all my sisters out there think.

should the biological parent be the only one to discipline, should the step parent discuss matters with the biological parent first and have the biological parent to the chastising. , should the step parent only be there to support the biological parent on the issuess and consequences they have agreed too. i am interested to here everyones perspective. does it matter on age or time in this relationship , or should this be the standard rule of the thumb. ................... tell me your thoughts.

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Kaye - posted on 11/01/2009

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OOOoo this is a difficult one. I do however think that if you have all the kids living with you ALL the time they should have the same set of rules, no? I think it makes life easier if you treat them all the same under the same roof. I think it is primarily up to you and your hubby to sit down first and decide on the 'house rules' then you need to get the kids in for a family meeting and talk about the rules. This way no one can then say " No one told me!!"

I have a 17 year old daughter from a previous relationship, and now have a 2 year old son with my partner. My partner finds it really difficult to bond with my daughter even though we have been together over 3 years. I have tried with him to see things from my point of view regarding her discipline, but he puts her down, calls her lazy, and I find it very hurtful, even to the point of telling him that if he can't give her some slack I will leave with BOTH kids. I wouldn't be happy for him to discipline her at all, as he's very hard on her even when she's tried hard to please him.

It's a really difficult situation only you can resolve in the way that best meets the needs of all your family. I just hope that things get easier when the kids get a bit older.

Good luck x

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Lynette - posted on 11/01/2009

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We basically have the one set of rules for the house, its just when it comes to one of my husbands sons, my husband, just seems to let him get away with so much to the point where he is doing his share of the chores, the 6 teenagers that are left at home, 2x 13 , 2x 14 , 1x 15 and 1x 16 , all have rostered chores each week, but when its one son, he seems to be able to get out of his share, if i repremand or question one son, or ask or remind him to do something, husband jumps in and answers for him. so i just retract and don't say anything, when i say to husband, that i think we should ensure all the children, e.g. don't leave there shoes in the newly carpeted lounge room, why is it that my requests are not heard, oh husband agree's then yes we should make sure they all know, but the one son, seems to get a blind eye. so i am in a loose loose situation. ... there is no issues to us agreeing on house rules, we support each other in verbal communication , but when it comes to putting it into practice, lets say, its not so black and white for some. .....

Sharon - posted on 11/01/2009

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Hi, I have 2 stepchildren, and my husband and I both believe, my house, my rules, regardless of whose kids are there at the time. the same discipline applies to all.

fortunately we agree on this, but many time the kids don't! lol We only see his kids about 3 times a year, and makes it very difficult sometimes.

Cyndee - posted on 10/31/2009

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Oh I am sure there are plenty - just not posting.

I am one of them, unsure what to post actually. I have mixed emotions on the matter. I am a newly wed (3months now!) and I am just finding and working all this out. My husband tells me that I am to treat his son as my own, yet I often get "static" about doing so. In fact, I do not even remotely treat him as the others and let him get away with more than mine ever thought of getting away with. I think it is going to take time for me. I am praying through it all. My children (6 I still have in the home, I have 8 of my own 2 have left the nest) are disciplied and respectful most always. They have their moments when they slip, but they know the consequences. I like how you put that your husband tended to be "soft and generous". I too see that, I think it comes from guilt over the past and what they have been through. I suffer from that too, and feel bad at times for being so demanding, but I don;t want my kids to grow up being brats either. So I have stayed the course. As for discipline, we talked about this. I have appreciated all he has done in stepping up to the plate and is taking the lead. WE have set rules toghether and gone over them with the children and they know the consequences for not doing or not treating others as they should. We follow this now and it seems to be working. If it comes to a spanking, we will each deal with our own child, otherwise we back each other on the punishment. However, as I said, I find it hard to call out his son over mine. Perhaps enough said, I am learning still, praying through it all, and most importantly have my husbands support and he has mine. If we differ with each other, we respectfully talk about it "behind closed doors" so as not to cause conflict when ears are present. They all know we love each other, and this is a work in progress, and we are all figuring it out. There have been "tests", but we seem to be coming through most of them rather well.

Lynette - posted on 10/30/2009

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they all live with us all the time, i have 4 , he has 2, my 4 are very disciplined, and his had a very neglectful beginning with there mum and dad is way too soft and generous .

i have had them in my care for 6 years, since they were 7 and 9 . i feel it is my job to discipline my children, and my husband to discipline his, on ground rules and boundaries that we together have decided. i think that if either of us have any major problems we need to bring it to the others attention for them to address individually with the children.

Jacquie - posted on 10/30/2009

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Very tough call, I have three step children. We have been together about 10 years now, his kids from his first marrage are now all adults, 32 (girl), 28 (boy) and 23 girl the asnwer to that was differant with each child. We have a daughter who is 6, it was very difficult and his 23 year old, then 17 did not take it well at all. It put a stain on our relationship too.



When then added our child into the mix, it complicated things a bit more.... time together, where they live and with whom all plays into it. So does gender. His son lived wtih us, and we had to pay for college as thier mother bailed out of it. She the moved out of state just before the youngest finished high school to marry a guy she knew for a year, now divorced again.... His youngest daughter has been rough at best. For the most part all they want is money, but atleast his son calls my dugahter on her birthday. He has been nice to her all along, the girls could care less about my duaghter .

Lynette - posted on 10/30/2009

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Guess , i was wrong maybe there are not a lot of mums with step children and children

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