step momma dealing with birth mom HELP.....

Connie - posted on 09/15/2010 ( 12 moms have responded )

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My step son to be (his dad & I have been engaged almost a yr) lives with us. He is 11. He is the most loving kid you could meet. His mom couldn't get him to school, never spent time with him while at home and tells him I stole his dad from her. (we meet a yr after they divorced) I love Nick like I gave birth to him but it hurts my heart when he ask me does he have to go to his moms for the weekend. He loves her and I would never let him say bad about her, She just doesn't care what he wants or needs. She bad mouths me, his dad, my kids that he loves who are all older (24,21,19) They take him with them everywhere. How do I deal with a woman who cuts herself with him around, is addicted to prescription drugs & refuses to be productive in society? Any advice is welcome. I love this kid and would like to see him grow up with 2 positive female roles in his life..

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Martha - posted on 09/19/2010

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PS Just remember you were put in his life for a reason and It really doesnt matter what anyone else thinks about you . It's all about the kids and the impact We as adults leave good impressions in their lives.

Martha - posted on 09/19/2010

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That sounds like MY PAST.....and still to this very day HE (my step-son) is 26 and has kids of his own,lives far away and threres still JEALOUSY within the family that I dont understand...(his dad and I split after 10 yrs),but for those 10 yrs he was MY BOY and I treated him the very same as I treated my own. He still loves and respects me for trying to make him "do right" The bad mouthing not only goes on with his Dads EX but now with his "new" Step-mom ...Its crazy.... My kids have step moms and I appreciate ALL the help I can get in raising my kids to be responsible adults (which youngest is now 25) and turned out great . The only advice I can give you is hang in there and LOVE that boy with all you have and he will always remember and when hes old enough to figure things out for himself...he will. The last call I had with him he told me he will always hold a special place in his heart for all the effort I put in him..football etc...He also has a step-son and I hope enough of my guidance will help him with his relationship with his step-son..Fill my heart with JOY that my battles FOR him left a lasting impression in his life.

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Cheryl - posted on 09/21/2012

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I have an 11 year old stepson. His birth mom was gone for 6 years due to drugs. She is back now and my stepson has gone on a few court ordered visits. Every time it is the BM's weekend my stepson asks if he can pretend he is sick. He says he doesn't want to visit anymore. The BM's lawyer says that will never happen. That the Judge will impose visitation regardless of what the child says. Is this true? Does anyone know??



Thanks.

Maw - posted on 09/21/2010

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no 1 stay strong,,, try to get a healty relationship with the mom,, if not just do your part and pray over the entire issue,, god bless

Melissa - posted on 09/20/2010

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Connie
This is a very difficult situation. Prayer, above all, is the answer. I will try to offer a few things here in addition. I am the "birth mother". My ex husband is re-married as am I. We share 2 children together (my ex and I). In the beginning of his relationship, there were struggles. Never any quite like you shared in your message. I have always loved my children tremendously. However, there are issues nevertheless that don't require discussion. What I can tell you is that you will NEVER be the birth-mother, this is fact, however, you can nurture, love and be a friend to this child. He is searching for stability, consistancy and love and that is what you can provide. Just take the next step next. It is hard. I will not discount that. Jesus is your friend. Let him be. Just keep doing what you do. Love him. You are correct in not allowing him to talk negatively about his Mother. Remember...she IS his Mother. I will pray for you.
Keep focused. Sounds like you are a very loving and caring person.

Jacquelyn - posted on 09/17/2010

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Sorry to tell you that there is nothing you can do about her. She is going to be bitter because you have him now and he is happy. It is just a shame that the chikd is in the middle and is going to be the one that gets hurt the most in this situation. My step kids were never aloud to come around when my husbands kids were small. We have been together for 13 years now and the son has just started coming around because the mom poisined there mind against their father all their lives because she was bitter because he left her and moved on with is life and she never did. Now he doesnt have a good relationship with his kids but they are grown and I believe now it is up to them to change it if they want to. The daughter is still keeoing her distant and it hurts him a lot but its up to them. He has done nothing wrong and has tried to reach out to them. Just encourage your kids to be their for the stepson and treat him like he is your own child and he should grow up to be a well adjusted caring person and the mother will be the one with the regrets.

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Your step son is lucky to have you. It's a shame he has to be put through so much w/his bio. mother. She sounds like a selfish mess. Just keep on doing what your doing. Love is stronger than hate.

Janice - posted on 09/16/2010

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From experience the best thing you can do is keep being a good, loving parent. Let him know that she is his mom and its okay to love her. Let your husband to be talk to her about anything that is necessary. Sometimes it will be really hard but keeping him from her is not a good thing unless you can convince the court of this. As long as she wants to see him, you have to abide by whatever the court says and you don't want him to come back later saying you kept him from his mother. If she endangers his life or well being then take her to court for full custody and no visitation (not an easy task in ANY state unless she is REALLY abusive or neglectful). He is old enough to testify on his own behalf BUT he may not want to. I know how difficult that is but my stepchildren all love and look up to me, even though their mothers (3 of them) tell them things to make them believe I am the devil and I stole their dad. He had a wild past and a string of women (3 of which got pregnant on purpose to keep him and it didn't work) so their mad at me because we got married and I DIDN'T have any of his children and NOR am I going to. We have more than enough together. So baby mama drama was the norm in our family for about a year. Now it has subsided. You'll learn to roll with the punches and the children will come to you with apologies and seeking truth. Don't worry or be discouraged. Just thought I'd weigh in. Hope it helps.

Jacquey - posted on 09/16/2010

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I don't think that his mom is going to change her behavior unless something major occurs. Your step-son is lucky to have you and your family to show him how family is supposed to be. I would say to use this as a teaching situation because "life is not perfect nor ever will be!" He can love his mom without "loving" her behavior and he will see from your behavior what the truth is in spite of what his mother says.

Heather - posted on 09/15/2010

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Let your husband talk to his ex about how your stepson feels about being around her. Let him give her ultimatums such as to clean up her act and get her life together or else he takes full control of his son's life and there will be no visiting rights for her. Take her to court as an unfit mother. Done talk.!!!!

MJ - posted on 09/15/2010

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I'm in agreement with Dawn ... "ask "(listen for) "what the child wants", always being "honest and above board with them". I'm a single mom, 55, a widow. My child and I became "family" a year after my husband died. Its been four years now; she is 10, and definitely old enough to choose. Her birth mother (my niece) said she needed to get her life straightened out, admitting she was unable to care for her, placing her child in my care when she was six. The woman is a drug addict (since before pregnancy), drinks, attracted to controling and abusive men, and has 2 other children (different fathers). My child, feels so sad ... her sister is in sole-custody of her father, and her brother is in foster care due to child abuse (by mother). For two years I tried to avoid saying anything negative, encouraging her not to give-up and pray for her mother, hoping things would improve (for both of them). It's a long story, but after two years, attempting to get treatment for her ADD, the only choice was to seek "court" custody. During this time she began becoming "my child", asking me if I would adopt her, etc. Her birth mother has never visited, and rarely phoned. Almost always, the conversations (finally personal abduction threats) have ended with my child clinging to me and sobbing, fearful. This changed the whole reason for seeking sole-custody, which was awarded 2 years ago, and from that point she chose me as "Mom". Through truthfulness and being straightforward with my child, I continually encourage her to be honest. "It will cause less hurt, for yourself, as well as (her birth mother)." She has grown in understanding and confidence, assured that she is safe. She has since, told her birth mother (phone)... "I miss you and want to see you sometimes but this is my home now. I don't want to live your life!" I really wish it could have been different for all 3 of us. I love my niece, but like I told her several times myself, "You know how much I love your daughter, like I've always loved you. But your supposed to be the adult now, she is the child. If I have to, every time, I will choose the child!" Somehow, I hope this helps. Just as in my life, it seems that you also have been given a special blessing in your step-son.

Dawn - posted on 09/15/2010

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Hiya, not sure what to say except to ask you to ask the child what he wants. He is 11 and is old enough to make up his own mind as to whether he wishes to visit his birth mother or not. We had a similart problem with two of my childrens birth mother. she only wanted to see one of them and not the other. in the end neither of them wanted to go. once they hit high school they stopped going. they have never looked back. we have always been honest and above board with them and have always tried to get them to see their birth mother. However, as the saying goes it works both ways. x

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