Tracey - posted on 03/17/2009 ( 3 moms have responded )




hi i'm a mother of a 4yr son and 18yr daughter and a stepmum to a 13yr boy and 16yr girl.Would like to know how other stepmums cope .After 5 yrs i'm still finding it hard


Di - posted on 03/17/2009




Hi Tracey, there is a great group on CoM called step moms. Might give you a wider range of help.

Christine - posted on 03/17/2009




when kevin and i got married i had a 4 year old son and a 2 year old daughter.  he had a 10 year old daughter and a 13 year old son.   his ex had left the kids with him, so we had them all the time.   my step-son has ADHD and it took me a while to convince my husband to let me get him tested.  i had calls from the school almost once a week ,it seemed like, because he was always in trouble.   the counselor told me that this was the most contact he had ever had from the home.  he told me my step-son was doing better this year than he had the year before.

when i told my husband about how his son was doing better than last year, he told me that he knew.  i remember thinking, "you mean you knew and you didn't tell me?!!!!"    i had no idea this kid had so many problems.   if he hadn't been ours, i wouldn't have let him play with my kids.   once he put some kid in a neck hold until the kid passed out.  another time he pushed a kid in front of the bus as it was pulling up to the bus stop.  when he got kicked off the bus, i had to meet with the bus driver, and the vice-principle of the school---this was the high school i had graduated from only 7-8 years before.  when the bus driver said, "here's the mom."  he looked at me and didn't believe her.

we finally had to send him to live with his grandparents because we were starting to have problems with my step-daughter.  once we got him out of the house, we didn't have any more problems with her.  my step-daughter and i got along pretty well----i don't know how i would have gotten by without her when i had a 2 year old and newborn twins.

there are things i wish had done differently, but i can't change the past.  their mother left the state and her parents told the kids not to let us know their mother was gone---they wanted her visitation.  talk about the grandparents from hell---not nice, i know, but they made things so difficult for us.  they took us to court to get their own rights.  i'd love to see that judge and tell him how much harm he caused those kids by giving those grandparents visitation rights----and we were letting them see them, just not whenever they wanted.  i think if we had been dealing with their mother things would have been much easier.

just remember, you don't have to love them and they don't have to love you---but you do have to treat each other respectfully.  try not to say negative things about their mother.  ask them what they did with their mom and act really interested--even if you have to fake it.  make sure they know that they don't have to feel guilty if they talk about their mom or want to be with her. 

i grew up  with a step-parent and only saw my dad occasionally.  my mom did not talk badly about him, but i always had this underlying feeling that it wasn't ok for me to like my dad and want to see him.  i had him give me away at my first wedding---that raised heck with my family.

step-parenting is difficult, but they will grow up and move away eventually.  i once read that if a second marriage gets past 7 years, it is more likely to last---because that is usually about how long it takes for the kids to grow up and move away.

good luck!!   you'll make it!!!



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Tracey - posted on 03/20/2009




hi christine ,thanks its reassuring to know that like yourself said you dont have to love them .I have always said to them that i,m not there to replace thier mum as she will always be thier mum but that i'm there to support them when needed.She is an alcoholic and has been for the last 8 step-son is 13.I met his dad 6 yrs ago he sacrificed his job with the fire-service to look after his kids as he knew thier mother was in no fit state to look after them.He is an special man.You seem to have come through a difficult time positively which has given me light which i know will be through a long tunnel thanksx

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