Teenage boys Ahhh

Jean - posted on 08/14/2009

Boys are challenging - they so think that they are more mature than they are. Does he live at home or just home for college. It makes a difference - if living at home I found that writing a contract of house rules and having them sign it works well and if the contract is broken you will have to find other living arrangements. If just home for break - there is respect in your home but staying out late is part of passage and if home for break as we have all done and had to tolerate with our children pray that the time will go fast. But do remind them with bad choices comes major consequences other than your rules and that is the law. Mom at that point can't fix everything!

Kimberley - posted on 08/07/2009

On the practical side, if your son isn't working then how does he afford drugs and alcohol? Just curious. Don't provide any more financial support beyond a roof over his head and food on the table. How does he pay for gas? His vehicle, if he has one? A lot of times parents don't really seem to realize they have control over some of those things. I'm on my third teenage boy, fourth teenager in all. I see the light at the end of the tunnel! LOL! Seriously, don't bail him out. If he needs money, guess what? He'll have to work like the rest of us. Partying is expensive, let HIM foot the bill. If he gets arrested, let him spend a night in jail. It isn't fun, but it just might be a wake up call. He might thank you in five years. Maybe ten. Boys tend to be hard-headed. :)

Debbie - posted on 08/06/2009

I wish you all the luck in the world. I'm a single mother of 5 children 18, 16 14,7, 6 and an adopted son 15. My 7 year old is the only girl. I have had ups and downs with my boys mostly when they turn "13". They talk back, try to push me and walk out of the house (run away) of course becasue they don't want to follow the rules.I gave them pretty much everything they needed. Sports, good education, roof over their head, food on the table, clothes on their backs and was always there for them. My 18 year old attacked me like no child should every attack a mother. I will not blame my parenting for his actions. He punched my face in so bad he broke a bone, eye swollen shut. then robbed me. Becasue of drinking/drugs and hanging with the wrong people. I had my kids in therapy, anger management and all, divorced parent groups etc. He should thank his lucky stars I didnt throw his ass in jail. He had 3 felony counts, aggravated assult and robbery charges against him. But instead I gave him a second chance in a court ordered program DO-IT. He's on probation for a year, random drug tests, anger management therapy and NA meetings. If he breaks any of the order he goes right off to jail and its out of my hands. They only gave him this because up until two years ago he was my perfect son. graduated from HS, worked, bought his own car, helped around the house and was heading off to college. He just hooked up with the wrong group of people.

Katie - posted on 08/06/2009

I support your decision! Stand strong! Sounds as if he just needs a good dose of TOUGH LOVE!

Patricia - posted on 08/06/2009

I have been through all of this, and worse. My two teenage boys were alternately a nightmare and lovely. If it helps you to know, they have turned out OK. I did 'tough love' although it really wrenched me to do it. In some ways I regret the gap it made in our relatiionship but I know things would never have changed if I had stayed still and put up with their rubbish.

I had been through so much to keep the fractured family together. In the end I gave in and started a new life for myself. They were all well over 21 by this time but sometimes I think they resent my freedom and happiness with my new husband.

I had some very minor problems with my daughter but we are more than best friends now and my boys still love me.

Your son will tease and torment you by being away and unreachable, he will be OK. Its you that is the most hurt.

It may be hard but try to not contact him. If he comes back, just act calm and dont have a big talk session to 'sort things out' He will do it alll again and probably again. You will relax more each time. Its important you keep your rules as you want them or he will manipulate you forever and not respect you or any woman he becomes involved with in the future. Let me know how you got on. Tricia

Lesley - posted on 08/05/2009

Thanks Andrea, I have text him to say he can come back if he shows more respect and tried to ring him with no reply or answer. I do know he is still with his mates and ok but i feel i may of lost him. I hope not and i do hope we can have a good relationship again at some point and it would be wonderful if he just came home gave me a big hug and said sorry mum, but i don't think there's much chance of that happening.

Andrea - posted on 08/04/2009

Lesly - your heart is clearly heavy for the situation you find yourself in and you have my sympathies. We are a blended family but my husband brought no children to the mix and was never married before. The Father of "our" oldest passed away before the oldest was born and our son has never known his biological father. At 14 he told his step-dad and I that he no longer "needed" parenting like our younger son did - go figure and he has been fighting us tooth and nail ever since. He was an 18-year-old who just started his senior year and when he crossed the line in how he spoke to my husband I removed him from my home and he has not moved back in. He's a very tenacious person when he wants to be but he too smokes pot and refuses to see the detriment in that behavior. It is really hard - his birthday is coming up but I know that I cannot enable him to fail to take responsibility for his life and of all the hats we as Moms wear, "Enabler" is one that should never be on our heads. When we do for others what they can and should do for themselves, we "enable" them to fail to take responsibility for their lives and to deal with the natural consequences of their choices. Painful? Yeah. We don't want the children we love to be in pain. Is it right to not rescue them and to insist that they follow the rules or live somewhere else? ABSOLUTELY! My son is a very intelligent, very capable young man who was given a lot of love, encouragement and wisdom from his me, his stepdad and his grandparents. He has a fantastic family who loves him but none of us want him to continue to do what he is doing. We do, however, have to let him. I am bearing this burden with you my friend and hopeful that the wisdom of other moms will be an encouragement to you.

Margaret - posted on 08/04/2009

tough love worked for me

Veronica - posted on 08/03/2009

Be encouraged and of GOOD faith..Fight the GOOD fight and as a woman who raised an AWESOME 22 yr old and now with my 17 year old son..It was not easy. Boys really REALLY need that STRONG male figure when they come into their own..lol whenever that may be. I did ok raising 4 children on my own for 13 years but with a BESTI that stood in the gap and prayed for me, and with the love and faith that I have for the LORD my GOD..I am now a Speaker. I Speak to women groups when I can to encourage them that there is a plan through PARENTING..and it is not PLANPARENTHOOD ok..you will be fine and so will your son..

Liz - posted on 08/03/2009

Lesley,

I just joined and read your post...it was like you were me writing it. I am a single mom and my son holds no respect for me or any rules. He took my car out (doesn't have his lisc) and was busted. My car was impounded which cost me over $600 to get it out. He wasnt booked but numerous tickets. Last night I called my ex and just cried...it hurts so much to love someone so deeply and they don't do this. His advice to me was let him be, he isn't going to listen to you if you care or don't care so don't care for a while....hardest thing I have had to hear and I am trying! Very hard to do!!!

Donna - posted on 08/03/2009

I he thinks ge is a grown up then treat him like one. Tell him if he doesn't like the rules at your house, he knows where the door is. Point out the monthly bills required to live on his own (rent, utilities, food, gasoline, car payments, etc.). Then give him the want ads to scour to try to find a job making enough money (not a likely thing in today's economy). Explain to him in a non-threatening and non-confrontational way that you pay the bills for your home, you like your home to be maintained a certain way and that you don't have houseguests after 9:00 or whatever time you feel is considerate and that anyone living under your roof has to pitch in to help and live by these rules. If not, there is always the curb or the Bethesda Mission.

Michelle - posted on 08/03/2009

I know what you all mean, I have a son 22 and a daughter 19. My son went through a period of time with hangning out with the wrong crowd and it was scary. He finanally met a girl that is studying criminal justice and she HAS to always be good or she can't be a part of the program.. now for my daughter. The love of my life and the heartache of my life. I don't know at what point I became the enemy. She is so mean to me my family and friends can't believe the way she talks to me and has no regards for house rules. This coming from a girl that was perfect growing up. Anti drugs and drinking. And now she does both. She comes in all hours of the night and leaves things a royal mess. She going to college and doing well, so it hasn't hurt that yet. I'm proud of her to go to college, I just wish she wouldn't do the drugs and wouldn't treat me so bad. She's also not working right now, so I can't just show her the door. I miss my relationship with her... any help would be great.

Karen - posted on 08/03/2009

I would also suggest tough love. I am the mother of a 14 year old and a 20 year old step-daughter. My step-daughter recently was arrested on grand theft and as much as it hurt myself and her father, we let her sit in jail for a few weeks. She would ask for help in getting the full bail and/or payfor the bail bondsman but we told her no. Eventually she got out on probation and has refused treatment. She has occassionally asked for cash for cigarettes and we have told her we will not give her cash. If she needs something for her baby (10months) we will buy it but no cash will be given. We have told my son to use this as a lesson as to what can happen when you mess with drugs.

Again, I encourage tough love. It is hardest on the parent but it is one of the best ways a child will learn. It does not mean you don't love them, in fact, it is showing the best kind of love and they will never forget how much love it took for you to take that step. I also highly recommend praying - God knows that outcomes of every situation in our lives and He is the only one who can truly help your son and start talking to your younger children - Usually younger siblings want to follow in their older siblings footsteps.

Lesley - posted on 08/02/2009

We had a letter through the door today from the police asking if anyone knows of anyone hitting golf balls from there gardens as this had caused damage to a number of properities in the area. I'm sure this was my son and his friends whilst we were on holiday as they had been using his dads golf clubs, a lot of the balls are missing and they had also been hitting fruit all over the garden! I have informed the police of this and given them my sons mobile number hoping he and his mates will get a good talking too or a bit of community service would be good.

Susan - posted on 08/02/2009

What I would suggest is if your son/sons get in trouble, do not bail him out. This is called tough love. I know it is not easy but to keep him from really getting in trouble is to let him get picked up by the police, if need be, and serve his time in prison. He may say you are not a good parent, and that really breaks a mothers heart, but in the long run, this will teach him, maybe lol, not to repeat actions. I have heard that the more the mother caudals and bails the child out, the more trouble they get later. This goes for the father also. One of my daughters got fed up with our rules of the house and we helped her move out. I cried for days, but in about a month, she moved back. She had learned that our rules were really not that bad and we actually did care for her.

Michelle - posted on 08/02/2009

Hi Leslie,

I too am new to "Mums over 40" raising teenagers today without the support of the entire love and support of the family is really challenging. Because your teen not only need the love and support, you need it as well. The overwhelmingness of being probably the only parent has left you at a crossroad. You have rules within your household and he/she needs to get with that program for starters. If you are not steadfast with your boundaries your younger children will begin to follow suit. Make it clear to your household what your goals, rules and expectations are and what will be the result of them not complying and move on....In addition, seek the help of your church if you belong to one. If you don't belong to a church look for a church that will meet your very household needs. Seek the youth departments that they have and watch what happens. I speak from experience... Once they have violated your household and you mean business and remove them from disrupting your household; it gives them time to really look at the result of their actions..

Best to life to ya,

Michelle

Lesley - posted on 08/02/2009

thanks everyone

Jodie - posted on 08/01/2009

Hi, hang in there!!!, teenager boys should be sent to the moon for a few years and allowed to return when they develop responsabilities.... I went thru a really hard time with my eldest, who is now almost 18... Luckily a good job, trade a girlfriend and a dose of the real world and he has appoligised to me... Your son will too, just give him time to grow up and stay strong. Have your house rules and remind him that while he lives at home, these are the rules... good luck, believe me I know how hard teenage boys are...

Laura - posted on 08/01/2009

There is a wonderful free support group for families and friends of people who are affected by others drinking and substance abuse. It's called al-anon and i highly reccomend it.

Laura - posted on 08/01/2009

For the counseling, I meant to say for you at least initially. Can't force people to counseling.

Laura - posted on 08/01/2009

I'm not in your situation and I feel for you. That has got to be frustrating. I would say tough love, he's got to be out of the house. Yet, very scary because who knows what he'll fall into. Maybe find some counseling, if you go to Church your pastor/priest/minister could put you in touch with some programs. If not your community might have something and talk to your or his doctor for recommendations. Good luck, wish you peace and wisdom.

Lesley - posted on 08/01/2009

Thanks Lindsey, I don't know how to stop him smoking the weed i've stopped his money but i think friends just give him it. None of us have ever taken drugs but it scares me that he might get into something worse and i feel powerless to prevent him

Lindsey - posted on 08/01/2009

awww bless you sweetie, my lot are 25, 22, 19, 12 and 11. i only have 1 son and he is the baby, however i went thru a certain amount of grief with a coupla my girls, the lack of taking responsibility reminded me too, our problems didnt get resolved until they left home and realised the world wasnt as helpful and loving as family.

however, i strongly believe the weed dont help - instead of sulking and tantruming when told off, i believe the young uns on weed choose to mong and forget!

i dont have a problem with adults smoking weed, as long as they have developed some morals and ideals, it's people smoking it too young causes the problems as you have found.

it's a widespread problem, and i wish i could give you an answer....."tough love" works but.......believe me it is so hard....been there xx