Pamela - posted on 05/07/2010 ( 41 moms have responded )
Any advice to surviving the teenage attitude years?
Pamela - posted on 05/07/2010 ( 41 moms have responded )
Any advice to surviving the teenage attitude years?
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Melissa - posted on 05/30/2010
Pam, my 20 year old son was easy, easy , easy.. I'd have 6 of him; HOWEVER, my 14 year old daughter is a battle a minute. She would be an only child. I love both my kids to death, but girls and drama are a challenge. I wish you well, I see your oldest is 10, hang on, the ride is just begun!
Rae - posted on 05/30/2010
It is tough isn't it!!! I have a 18(just turned today) yr old daughter and I am in the same boat. There are more minutes I want to give up than minutes anyother way. Let's hang in there together!!! HERE IS A HUGE HUG FOR ALL PARENTS OF TEENAGERS...sometimes that is all a parent wants is just a free will hug with no strings attached.
Gwen - posted on 05/30/2010
it's not just girls and their mothers- my 18 yr old step son is a nightmare and I feel so bad for my husband. Its outside influences at this time and some narcissistic male teenager mode he is in- its all about him and fortunately he is moving out in a week and the contention this boy has brought into this home for so long will go with him. We love him but he cant move out fast enough and he will "learn" as our other 8 kids have!
Gwen - posted on 05/30/2010
oh and remember that their hormones are in charge of their bodies not their brains until they are at least 23 or older! regardless of how mean they are never take it personally and dont let them get to you-
Gwen - posted on 05/30/2010
between my husband and I we have 9 kids ages 31-18
the 2 18 yr olds his son my daughter just graduated from high school- no one has been put through lived through or suffered through teenagers years like we have ! lol my best adivce is to STICK TO THE RULES no matter what- have then sign a contract so that expectations of them are clear (for your future reference you pull out the sheet THEY signed and you signed and say- see you knew exactly what this was about when you signed it) rules and structure are more important during the teen years than at any other time of their lives.
chores are equally as important because you are teaching them to become adults and they need those skills when they leave home. the WORST thing is to enable them or allow them to bully you.
Debbie - posted on 05/30/2010
sorry theres not much you can do, as teenagers live in there own little bubble and cant see out of it. You just have to bite your tongue and ignore sometimes. I know their attitudes stink, I have a nearly 15yr old girl. Debbie
Janet - posted on 05/29/2010
KEEP STICKIN TO UR RULES , ALWAYS LISTEN N HEAR THEM BUT MAKE THEM UNDERSTND THEY DO SAME , IS UR RULES ONE DAY @ TIME
Debra - posted on 05/29/2010
WOW, the attitude will kill any other person. Keep the best sense of humor you can, cry in front of her and tell her how you feel. Try to understand her point of view, but most of all encourage her to talk to you, and make sure you understand what she is saying. Feedback is essential. But most of all, DON"T JUDGE. Tell her exactly what you can remember of your own puberty times. My own daughter went through it young, we fought, cried and swore at each other. The year her half sister was born, I sent her back to her fathers. Not the best answer for us, but medically necessary for me. That year she grew up and changed. At 23 she is responsible, has a great job, and tells me EVERYTHING about her life. We often laugh about how well we talk. Most of all, GOOD LUCK.
Amy - posted on 05/28/2010
Its like riding a roller coaster. Close ur eyes and say WHHEEEEE and just enjoy the ride...lol. Biggest thing, give them their personal space, let them express themselves(respectfully), while letting them know NO MATTER WHAT you are there for them. As always, know who their friends are. Good Luck, u'll need it.
Barbara - posted on 05/23/2010
just go with the flow, let them make their own decisions and mistakes, just be there for them and let them know whatever happens you will always be there,i may have been lucky but my teens were not too bad, they are now aged 25,23 and 19 and they turned out fine, i now have a 13 year old to contend with so i will have to see if he is just as good as they were. of course we had a few problems but you can deal with them, remember they are just kids trying to get to adulthood so dont take things too personally...
Dorle - posted on 05/22/2010
Don't take everything they say to heart, kids can be hurtful sometimes at this age. Choose your battles. Not everything has to be a NO just make sure it is the important ones.
Cheryl - posted on 05/21/2010
sometimes you just have to walk away,because there are times that my 19 yr old daughter has really tested my patience because of her attitude,and i just want to scream,but that happens rarely thankfully
Paulette - posted on 05/21/2010
The best thing you can do is be their friend, accept them as they are, always be there for them. Let them know that they can talk to you about ANYTHING. Even if you don't understand. They need ears to hear them talk things out. They need to trust you. Remember you don't have to fix the things, you need to listen to them and give them direction if they ask you for it. Respect them as an individual. Your were growing up too at one time. Help them by Listening. Love them unconditionally. They will come home to that love.
Mom - posted on 05/21/2010
I actually had an olympic size sand bag put in the backyard. Anytime anyone had attitude or tension they could go outside and punch the punching bag until they were satisfied.
Andrea - posted on 05/21/2010
Really hitting a child is not the answer....Where i live thats illegal and the parents can be charged and have the children removed.. I dont see the point of hitting a child how does hitting a child prove anything except pain and heart ache... lets just teach our kids violence is okay... I mean come on two wrongs just dont make a right... God prayer or not...abuse is abuse ...
Rae - posted on 05/20/2010
I have been told they become human again at the age of 21.... I have a 17yr old daughter that just graduated from high school. She and I have been at each others throats for 2 years. I have stood my ground and let know when I really don't like the way she treats me. It is beginning to sink in- some anyway. I had to just stop doing everything for her and treat her the way she was treating me. She will realize it but hopefully before she is 21!
Theresa - posted on 05/20/2010
Prayer and lots of prayer!!!!
Judith - posted on 05/19/2010
I know what you mean. I just agreed to let my husband's 16 yr old niece come live with me from California. She was disrespectful to her parents and siblings and flunking out in school. Upon her arriving, I laid down the rules and of course within the first 1-2 weeks she tested the waters. I believe in discipline and I guess the water was too hot for her. I whipped her with my bare hands and have not had anymore problems out of her since. She is going to church, making A'S and B's, saying Yes Maam. My disciplining her put her in shock and she snapped out of that phase of her life. Sometimes you have to stand firm. I was not about to let a 16 yr old come in and run my household. We teach discipline and respect here. All is well, now. We are at a point where she will do whatever I ask of her without attitude. Prayer, of course, is the best option. Always keep them in prayer and ask for strength and guidance regarding raising them. God Bless.
Eleanor - posted on 05/19/2010
Chardonnay (for Mum)
Kari - posted on 05/19/2010
Unfortunately Liz, they all get bored at this age. Especially the boys, the last person my two sons wanted to spend time with was their mother. I still took them places and sometimes it was against "their will". But I always reminded them that someday you will remember this. Today, at 23 and 18 it is fun to listen to them talk with each other and to hear their friends talk about all the fun they had, even though their were forced. If it was something they really hated doing I reminded them that we are a family and sometimes we need to do the things we don't want to, because it makes the other person feel happy to have us around. I was also good at reminding them, someday you will have a family and you will understand then. Even though my husband was around, he does not have a close relationship with the boys now. He did not make the time or the effort when they were teenagers. The boys come home to see me, but will not go and see their father. We are separated now. The boys and I have a closer relationship now and I am glad. So keep him involved and don't give up, my grandma use to always say, "They are teenagers, they are suppose to be bored. Even when they are really having fun."
Liz - posted on 05/19/2010
Thanks, your response was awesome. It really helped alot. I tell him every day I love him.
Angela - posted on 05/19/2010
Wow do I know where you are coming from! I was a single Mom to my now 21 year old. I had her very young. We really were close and then she got to the teens!
Listen to my advice because I want you to know you son LOVES you. He is angry not at you per say but just at life and lets face it life can suck. What is GOOD is that he feels comfortable enough with your love that he can express it. Sounds crazy I know but it is true. Even when they are little they let loose on us right.... remember how great they were with others and then when you were around they went on melt down as a toddler? It is trust... I can trust you love me enough to be a butt head basically.
My advice and I have been through this with 2 teens
Keep making him come with you
Do Not Take It Personal say this to yourself every day this is not about me and he loves me and I love him
It is hard to blend your new life with your new man with him but I swear it can get better, maybe not perfect but better.
My kids gave me heck when I feel in love with a man who not only I married but moved to entire new country for. It took a while but things are finally getting better after a few years and it was not easy.
Just do not feel guilty and do not feel bad he needs you to be strong and his rock and trust me he will never let you know this... but he needs you and you are doing fine.
One thing I never wavered on was my love, I told them over and over I loved them. My one daughter whom i mentioned had it the hardest and well after a few years (4) we have a great relationship but it was rocky, she pushed and pushed me away but I never went away.
I always said hey don't forget i am your number one fan and never forget it!
Liz - posted on 05/19/2010
My son is 12 and I find us separating and it scares me. For many many years it was just my son and I. He spent so much time with his friends, at the YMCA, at their houses, at our home and various other outings. When I wanted just time with just the two of us it was boring he said. Last year I started a relationship and soon we will be moving and he will have a father figure in the home. He doesn't want to do anything with us no matter what it is. If he comes with us he complains he is bored but if I allow him to spend every weekend with friends I feel two things. One I feel sad like he doesn't need me anymore and Two I can't enjoy myself with my man because as a mom I want my boy to know I want to spent time with him too. Now I know it sounds like my world evolves around him but I really just want him to grow up strong, independant but he is only 12. What should I do? I keep making him come with me or us on various outing, hoping that he is really is enjoying himself.
Gaye - posted on 05/19/2010
This is what my husband & I did when our 18 year old was growing up & what we are going to do as we raise our 4 year old & 1 year old daughters.
As our children are growing.. mum & dad have to work together, be on the same page so to speak. Both parents need to stand strong on the rules, morals & expectations of the house hold. If the teenagers see unity & respect between his/her parents. & that disrespect is not tolerated at any time in the house hold, I believe they either grow up knowing no other way but to respect their parents & the expectation required of them, OR they eventually see that they have no other choice but to conform. As their parents unity & the morals expected of their child is unwavering.
What needs to be a little flexible is rules & trust. I believe you will get more out of a child by listening to their opinion or their requests then to just say no. Sometimes we are wrong & we have to be big enough to admit it. Apologising & saying sorry also teaches our kids to be caring & humble. It shows our kids that we are human & do make mistake. So we sometimes need to be flexible in things they want to do. EG going to a party. I would say “ I’ll make a deal with you, you can go, BUT I will be picking you up at ????) If he complained I would say...”well you make the choice what do you want to do? Go out & have me or dad pick you up at ????? OR stay home & go no where...What do you want to do” He always knew My husband & I were dead serious & if he winged to much about it we just said “one more word & the deals off” and if he did complain again he wasn’t allowed to go. If he made it hard for me after that, then he wasn’t allowed to go to the next thing he wanted to go to. & his dad would give him a lecture & make him apologise to me. He soon learnt that working together & compromising was much better than missing out & as he got older we changed our rules to fit in with his age.
The other thing I think is a big plus, is if children grow up in a house hold that does not tolerate disrepect. My husband is a very caring loving man, but if he heard our son being disrespectful to me our son was given a stern talking to by him.
When my son was growing up & as he moved into a teenager, I understood that he had rights to his feelings but he knew if he expressed it disrespectfully his punishment was not worth the Hassel so he learnt to go in his room & cool off before he spoke. From the age of 2 & as he was growing up if he was being unreasonable, I would say to him, “You have the right to your feelings but not your bad behaviour, so go into your room until you can come out with a smile on your face & speak to me nicely & when you are ready to calmly talk about this. And I only ever had a few bad teenager days with him. He has been a total treasure & adores his 4 year old & 1 year old sisters who are all our little miracles but we still have the same behaviour expectation of them as we have with him.
I also believe your children need to know that you love them to bits & pieces & even when they mess up, they need to know that they can come to you knowing you may be extremely disappointed in them but still love them & are there for them. (Not to pick up the pieces) but to guild them in what the moralistic right thing to do is. Even if it means they have to cop a punishment.
Communication & trust is a big plus from both sides.
Angela - posted on 05/19/2010
Do not take what ever they say or do personal!
Give love not to matter what they do.
Be firm with unacceptable behavior
Get help if needed, plenty of support groups etc and therapy etc and use it!
My now 21 and 19 year old are doing better and getting over the the teens it does get easier.
Kari - posted on 05/18/2010
My children are 23, 21 and 18 now. Just remember what it was like for you and try to be understanding. Sometimes we forget that their hormones are changing. They are no longer children but are not adults yet. Decide what is important and let the little things slide. I only worried about three things, drugs, alcohol and sex. I made suer I talked with them about my feelings and they talked about theirs, and some things I just let slide. Also remember we all made it through those years and yours will to.
Paula - posted on 05/18/2010
Yes! Stay tough. Demand respect, don't back down. But also, shower them with love and affection whether they act like they want it or not! Keep talking to them, even if they don't always answer. If they defy you, follow through on whatever threat you made! But make them reasonable. I told one of my sons during a ridiculous argument, that if he left the house, he could find another place to live, (he was 16). So he left the house with a smart-ass attitude. So I took everything out of his bedroom, and left it on the front step, in the rain. He came home the next morning begging to be let in. I kept him locked out for a while....finally let him back in, he was tearful, and loving and very apologetic. I allowed him to bring all his stuff back in, it was wet. He NEVER did anything like that again. He had been going through a bit of "testing" to see how much he could stand up to me, since he had outgrown me by about a foot! I had never hit my kids, but I told him if he got in my face, I'd get in his...! After his night out, he stopped. He realized I meant what I said. I told him afterward, "I love you unconditionally; I'll love you no matter what, but I WILL NOT be pushed around by my own child in my house, and I WILL NOT give in. We get along great, he's 20 now.
Vita - posted on 05/15/2010
Pam the easiest way to deal with an attitude is to know that as easy as they come they will go. For me, I have a 11 year old and she is experiencing that very same thing. When that happens I let her calm herself down then I attempt to find out what the "real" problem is. Sometimes she is willing to share and other times she is not. Believe it or not they have so much going on in their worlds that they just don't know what's what. Hope that helps! :)
Donna - posted on 05/15/2010
Pick your battles. If it's isn't immoral or illegal don't worry about it. Set rules and stick to them and let him/her know of the consequenses of breaking those rules and always follow through. Take time everyday for yourself. My kids knew if I was in my room with the door closed they were only to bother me if someone was dying or the house was on fire. LOL
Kimberly - posted on 05/12/2010
Biggest and hardest thing is Don't have an attitude back. It just escalates the whole situation. And also don't expect them to act like the did when they were 8 & 9. They can't they are trying to figure out how to become adults. Pick your battles, most things are just not that important. If you want them to hear you when it counts don't make everything an issue. My daughter actually said to me one day when she was 16 or 17 "Mom you made it impossible for me to rebel, you never get up set and yell at me, you always listen to my side of what's going on, I think that even if I did the worst thing in the world you would still listen to me, but I don't want to do something like that". And just to assure you she was not an angel and we had plenty of talks about "things" but I never got on her case or all up in her "grill" LOL! Some of her friends parents did that and it just made things worse then and now. Lets just say I'm pretty happy how she's turned out as a person so far. She is 20 and in her second year of college all the way across the country from me, but we talk almost every week.
Lois - posted on 05/12/2010
ear plugs? Just keep telling yourself that this too shall pass and that at the end they will be back to being human beings.
Libby - posted on 05/12/2010
i just used to tell my one and only son that "if number one isnt happy then number two wont be either, and number one can make your life a lot unhappier" i didnt suffer any attitude after that.[ p.s i am number one, he is number two.] he is 21 now and we have a great relationship.
Georgia - posted on 05/12/2010
I had attitude with my girls, mostly my yougestbut the oldest went to live with her dad her teen years. When my oldest came home there was no attitude. My youngest knew everybody and was in every thing She was a Pain at Times. Prayer is the only answer I know. and Love is the other answer I know. The November after she graduated she went in the Navy. I hear from her very often. She married a wonderful man new years 2009 and she has much calmed down. My oldest is here in town. I,m just loving having her here.
Barb - posted on 05/12/2010
We have twin 14 year olds, 23, 27, 29 and never had attitude problems. Just don't let them. Make it known that it isn't acceptable and don't play into it. Also, be sure you show no attitude to others. Hope this helps.
Lisa - posted on 05/12/2010
I used to use the magic 123 program until the other day and my youngest son's therapist said that wont and isnt working for older kids so he set us up on a new behavior plan... 1. Give a WARNING ( with a description on why the warning is given) ALWAYS use the word WARNING
2. Remind child of the warning and now give TWO CHOICES using the word "choices"/"choose" a positive and a negative choice... (EX:" I gave you a warning now you have a CHOICE you can listen and continue to use the PC or CHOOSE not to and loose the PC for the night/day.)
Sometime there is room for DEBATE which if the child needs to finish a program and save or Mom I am just finishing up now. ... a good excuse needed for a small debate not to be lead into an argument.
3. Punishment... I told you you had two CHOICES YOU! made your choice (EX: if need to unplug PC from wall you wont hurt the PC)
So far it is working well especially when they hear the word warning the second time and now the two choices were laid down.
Good Luck I am new to this and was told out of all his teen patients it didnt work on three because the parents used the debate part wrong and it lead to arguments.
Giving them the "CHOICE" to behave or not, now is their responsibility not yours and if they get punished it is THEIR fault not yours so they have to take responsibility for THEIR actions. Emphases on YOU & YOUR ... "If YOU choose to listen" It is YOUR choice" YOU chose not to listen" "it wasn't my choice not to listen YOU choose it yourself".
Have fun with it, To see their faces when they realize it was their own fault for their actions and no one else's they tend to listen better.
Debi - posted on 05/11/2010
Stand your ground, but not so hard he can't get in. Establish rules of engagement, so to speak, such as no name calling when angry, no disrespect. My children are 12, 17, 21, 23 and 25 and when they hit about 14 it was like Invasion of the Body Snatchers, I hardly recognized them. It was hard, but I would not trade them in for peace in the home for anything.
Kids hit this stage of life their hormones are on overdrive, their need for independence is huge yet they are still needing Mom and Dad, which bugs the crap out of them. Make sure they are getting plenty of rest as the teen years can be hard on their bodies in that regard as well.
Seems the best conversations I had with my kids were when we were doing something together, working in the yard, driving to an event or over pancakes. Just let them know you know they are struggling and can come to you with anything--nothing will shock you (even if it does).
Best of luck to you, you'll do great.
Sandra - posted on 05/11/2010
I have survived 3 daughters. My oldest is 25, then 22 and finally 20. I remember watching one child go in to a stage ... going out of it and watching the next one go through it.. They are all so different and have given different challenges, but also many blessings. Always listen... even if you don't like what they are saying and love them unconditionally, in this world our children need to know we love them no matter what. We may not like what they do but we still love them.
Sandra - posted on 05/11/2010
PRAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! For yourself and your children.
Nicole - posted on 05/10/2010
I am a mother of three boys and two are still teenagers being 15 and 16.My oldest is 21.The one thing I have learned was to pick your battles and don't sweat the small stuff.And most importantly is to keep communication open with your teenagers.
Julie W. - posted on 05/09/2010
Just remind yourself that it's just a normal stage all teens go through and one day she will outgrow it! (At least I hope so!!!) My daughter is 15 and couldn't care less about sharing a card or handmade anything with me for Mother's Day, yet my 21 year old son called from college to wish me a happy mom's day. Maybe it's just girls and their moms who have the problems? I know my daughter worships the ground her dad walks on although he hasn't done anything to deserve her admiration. (We are divorced). I just know my daughter is very selfish and I'm hoping -- and PRAYING!!! -- that she outgrows this stage SOON!
Diane - posted on 05/08/2010
Pam, I'm not sure that there is..I'm a mother of a 6'2", 15 yr old (will be 16) son and boy does he try my patience at times. I also have a six (will be seven) yr old son. He is a very smart young man but will only put out his best when everything is taken from him. All that I can say is to stay firm, keep your rules, give love and most of all, PRAY.