What do I do with a 17 yr old defiant daughter that is determined to make life hell?

Dana - posted 4 days ago

I had a daughter just like that. I haven't read any other comments, but I so feel your pain. I had one just like her, but I was her step-mother (her mother died when she was young) so part of it was the step-mother stigmata, along with the dad-type that thought all he had to do was go to work, come home and watch TV. So she saw me as controlling, and a block between her and her father (which I did NOT try to be. He just wasn't involved). Ultimately, she turned 18 in April, but a week before her graduation in May, she moved out to live with her boyfriend, and Lord, we let her. We weren't trying to control her in any way by this time at all, because it was fruitless. In hindsight, I do believe she had emotional problems from losing her mother. I couldn't compete with a fictitious mother-figure in her head, after all (her REAL mother would have loved her more, gave her more, etc). She felt she was neglected, and never asked us for anything. Often we wouldn't even know as she moved from place to place, although I tried to at least keep up with her, so we would know where she is in case she ever needed us. And also because we loved her, regardless of what she thought. Sometimes that worked, sometimes it didn't. She's now 24, and has been working full-time all along, and going to school. I think she's taken every course there is to be taken at the junior college level. She has also always maintained a place to live, often with roommates, cause she has tons of friends, and there's no shortage of college-age kids needing room-mates in this area, but also sometimes she's lived on her own (and she loved it). She has fed herself, paid her own bills and taxes, done her own financial aid, learned all sorts of grown-up survival skills. And she has almost never asked anyone for help, even her natural mother's family. She'll be entering the elementary education program at the state university in the fall, and she is at peace with us once again. She has told us she knows she was difficult. It's incredible how much she has grown and how calm she is now. I can have full conversations with her! She says kind things to me! In my situation, which I think was extra-bad for extra-long (she had a sister that was very difficult too), it has much improved. The younger daughter ended up in prison for a year for grand larceny, after not following her probation. She had just had a daughter, and she lost a year with her baby. Although she was still young, I think the best thing to have ever happened to her, was to love somebody else more than she loved her own self, and that is what that baby has done for her. She is now 22, out of jail, adhering to her parole, got her GED while in jail, and has full-time permanent custody of her daughter. I don't get to see her, because her dad won't have anything to do with her, but I know her life now revolves around this little girl. Her older sister does see her, and told me that she has matured so, so much. I am so proud of them both.
I'm sorry for what you're going through. I have one 13 yr old son to finish raising, and I'm praying he is not that difficult through his teens. So far, he's still an easy kid to raise. I know not all kids fall into line like mine did, and by their early 20's at that. Some kids just continue to be kids in adult form. It really is normal for them to want to do things on their own, and they really aren't ready for it yet. I don't think anyone really ever is. Just like, how can you REALLY be ready to for marriage? You never have any real idea of what you're getting into. And how can you REALLY be ready for a baby? You have no idea of what your true experience will be, including down the road.

I used to work in the youth court, and always had kids like yours on probation. If she hasn't committed what would be an actual crime had she been an adult, then it's considered a status offense. They will often send them to behavioral health or anger management, and place them on informal probation, which means you don't have to report to the probation officer every month, but they do keep tabs on whether you complete your program, and if the child doesn't cooperate, and if the incidents continue, it becomes more serious. Actually, in your case, there would be nothing they could do, because she's too close to being 18. She'll age out before anything actually happens. My daughter was always on probation or in behavioral health for one thing or another, because she was totally rebellious. In my case, it probably kept the situation from really getting dangerously reckless (although, really, it already had), but for periods of time, she had to be accountable to someone who wasn't her parents, which was a great help for us. I remember one time we had to call the police on her for creating a disturbance in the home, and they sent out a lady officer who really put her in her place. This officer was wonderful!!!! I wish she had worked in youth services, bc she really had a way with my daughter, and my daughter could manipulate almost anybody. All of that over her dad telling her to wash the dishes, so I could do other things (I DID work full-time and had a younger son). Stupid stuff. She went to stay with other relatives at times, because things wouldn't even function at our house. I guess she thought we were just supposed to let her do whatever she wanted (she did think that), like her grandmother or her aunt was going to let her. Her grandmother sent her back, and told me she wasn't as bad as we told her she was. She was WORSE. LOL. And she was more respectful and obedient for her aunt, but she would still leave the house and do what she wanted and come back when she felt like it. She was on probation then too. And smoking pot. Nothing EVER came out of it when she continued to act bad. I think in her case, she was just a charmer. And I can easily see that, if she had come to my office. Only I would have talked to her parents, and nobody from that district ever called us. I think maybe she was lying to them about us (in which case, they absolutely should've called, but they still didn't). Otherwise, I can't imagine why they didn't drug test her. I think they just didn't want to really do anything to her. Being a juvenile probation officer myself, I understand we have limited resources as far as consequences for these kids, and laws we have to follow, since they are juveniles. Even my kids often got away with a lot. I had the largest caseload of anybody in my county, but I can tell you, my daughter would have been at the top of the heap, even in my caseload, as far as incorrigible goes. In the end, as I've already wrote, she spent time in prison, and it didn't take her very long to get there. Society had to deal with her, and that's about where you are with your daughter. Don't think there's never going to be any hope for her. I just hope she doesn't get addicted to drugs or anything that terrible, because then she'll be in it for the long haul. Also, do NOT let her manipulate you when she needs things, if she comes back being all nice and all, if you have no evidence that she has grown up some. Do NOT let her run you over. Do NOT feel obligated to give her a home if she finds herself unable to care for herself. That may sound heartless, but when our girls left, they did things on their own. And they learned. And now, I love them more than ever, and since they're still in their early 20's, we have lots of years left to enjoy them :)

Vicki - posted 6 days ago

The Prodigal Son in Matthew of the Bible was allowed to take his inheritance and leave his Father's mansion when he got to the point he no longer wanted his Father's guidance (rules) in his life. All direct communication was cut off with the family until the son was ready to return and accept the family's rules and lifestyle as his own. The Bible doesn't tell us how long it took for that change to occur; only that it happened.
I pointed that out because I believe it offers ways to handle rebellious young adults. I would suggest to first calm down and center your own mind and heart. This is a parenting phase and you have it within yourself to cope effectively with it. It's called 'Loving with Detachment', Tough Love' or loving from an emotional distance. It won't be easy, but it is doable!
Second, if she wants to leave, let her go! But, decide before hand what the conditions of her return will be, Then before she leaves, calmly present them to her, either verbally or in printed form. Some parents give the child a time frame in which to return before they clear out their room -- months or even years. I was allowed to take many items from the home with me along with money and my car, but I was told there would be nothing else coming to me at my father's death regardless of what he accrued after I left. I also wasn't allowed to come back to live regardless of my circumstances but I was allowed back for family functions like dinners, holidays and such.
Third, do not waver in your decision or second-guess yourself once you have prayerfully made you plan.
I grew up when this happened to me and have seen it work with my own and others kids. That's how I know it works. I wish you all the best!

Stacey - posted on 09/01/2012

Pray, pray, and pray some more. I am a mother of three daughters, age 26, 23, and 20. They all tried me at one time, but Mom showed them who was the boss. I raised them in the church, spent all my time with them, (one of the advantages of being a schoolteacher) and provided for them well. They had all their needs met and a few extras. I divorced their dad but they still maintained a close relationship with him. Outside influences are always around(peer pressure, boys, the devil, etc.) Set the rules,make her stick to them, and if she doesn't, put her out! She is responsible for her own actions and has to learn their are always consequences to ones choices. Adult have huge responsibilities, she will see and will learn the hard way! Prayerfully, she will learn the lessons and appreciate you as a parent and the lessons you have taught her. She will become a responsible adult!

Jodi - posted on 08/20/2012

The anger you describe is concerning. Perhaps there is a trauma you are not aware of. I would recommend getting your daughter counseling. There are a number of sliding scale options for mental health services in most areas. It really seems that there is something underlying her anger and THAT is the issue to be dealt with.

Statistically speaking one in three women will be the victims of some kind of sexual assault in their lives.

good luck and godspeed

Kaitlyn - posted on 08/12/2012

My 17 year old daughter stays gone for days at a time. I never know where she is. She drinks, smokes, smokes marijuana, and God knows what else. I have zero control. I tried for years and just gave up. I am going to try again when school starts, but I can't take much more. She will be 18 in December. All the success stories don't help me right now. My daughter parties constantly. The only recourse I know of is to call the police and have her drug tested. She will be sent to juvie if I do that. I hope she will straighten out and I don't want her to have a record, but I need help now.

Jacqueline - posted on 10/11/2011

I have a 17 teen old too. He is rude and defiant and thinks eveybody is wrong but him and can't wait to get out. He's rude in school. I talk too I'm blue in the face. I don't know what to do it's his last year of school I hate for him to mess it up. any suggestions out there. I could use advice. Thank's

Donna - posted on 12/12/2009

The 1st thing I can say is you can't have 2 grown woman in the house........I used to do the same thing to my mom....... She said black I said white........... My daughter is worse then I was...... My mom just laughs and says.......... Seeeeeee........ My thoughts to u is...... dont give in........... be just as stubborn........ Hug her every chance you get....... and push urself into her live as her mom.... not her friend but as her mom........ and whatever u do..... DONT GIVE UP

Janet - posted on 12/12/2009

Stay steady. Tough love always prevails. You may not see it for years but you will

Connie - posted on 12/08/2009

She will be 18 and an adult, time to let her go. It's all about taking responsibility for your actions, which she may have to find out the hard way. And it will be up to you and the family to decide if you want to let her back in. I mean as far as the moving in and out and reaking havoc in the meantime with the family. I watched my son go thru alot of changes when he left home and today he is a better man for it. He came to appreciate what he had and realized that Family can be a good thing. He has gone to jail too but has never called to ask for bail money. He knows I can't afford to bail him out. He got himself into trouble and he knows he has to get himself out. He does call me tho just to let me know where he is....just so I can worry a little more than I already do. But he knows to keep in touch a couple times a week. I don't need to know what he does, I just need to know he is still alive. He does whatever he does, I can't control what he chooses to do but he knows no matter what, I am here for him. I love him unconditionally. And he knows that and has come to respect that more than anything else. A little tough but painfully clear LOVE may be the answer. Hope this was helpfull. Good Luck and

Happy Trails, Connie

Patricia - posted on 12/07/2009

I had the same problem with my daughter.She was exactly the way u describe your daughter.In the end she moved in with her boyfriend,against our wishes, we could barely speak to one another by that stage, this went on for for quite a few months.It hurt like hell,i blamed myself for everything that was going on. She ended up coming home for a couple of weeks, and u know what, .i hated it.i didn`t realise at the time how peaceful it had become.with no arguing, and screaming and all the carry-on associated with havin her home,so after 2 weeks i KICKED her out, with absolutely no regrets.It is amazing how she grew up in that time.She had to rely solely on the boyfriend for food and money and to keep goin to school to complete yr 12.Six months ago she rang to tell me she was havin a baby,ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE, i hit the boyfriend ,ranted like a mad woman and cried like a baby.I had finally reached the end of rope.BUT guess what...,we are closer now than ever before.We talk everyday,and im extremely proud of her.I`ve also told her that she`s never moving home again lol.
things r gonna get a lot worse.u need to decide whether your mental state can take anymore of this{mine couldn`t] there is hope for the pair of you

Janie - posted on 12/04/2009

Candy I have gone through much of what you are going through right now with my daughter Brittany. She started about the age of 14 with the back talk and acting like her friends. By 16 she was skipping school and into drugs. She was in a state of " I hate everybody". I started by grounding her for anywhere from a week to 2 weeks depending on what the situation was. During her groundation period she was not allowed phone calls(she did not own a cell phone), not allowed to leave the house, no friends were allowed to come over, and she lost her computer priveleges. She did end up in a diversion program for shoplifting and was placed on house arrest for 30 days. During that time frame we would talk and evaluate if her shoplifting and her friends that did it but didn't get caught were worth the house arrest....she sadly realized that they were not. After getting off house arrest she did a outpatient treatment program for the drugs. She got clean and I got my daughter back. Through the program found out that she was stressed because she was expected to excel in her studies ( my mother bragged her up to all her friends how smart she was.....straight A's). She was caving under the pressure to be perfect and found drugs an easy remedy to her stress. She also envied my youngest daughter Nicki as Nicki was very social and made friends easily. I got my mother to not expect Brittany to get straight A's all the time that as long as we knew she did her best on it whatever grade she got was fine. Also through the drug treatment program, Brittany learned to respect me as the parent and we set goals with time frames for them and she reached them all by the time she graduated High school.Now I share a wonderful relationship with my daughter and we talk about everything. You and your daughter will get through this and maybe some counseling will help.

Julie - posted on 12/04/2009

My son is 13 and is in the process of being diagnosed wioth oppistional defiant disorder. It is a great strain as he has just bee permanently excluded from school, just try and keep calm offer lots of priase, I have been told it does get easier

Jody - posted on 12/04/2009

There is a program that will offer a great amount of help. It is called, The Parent Project and is geared for parents of strong willed adolescents. I teach it in California but it is offered throughout the US. You can google the title and it should come up. Hang in there. It is not easy.

Gail - posted on 12/04/2009

Quoting Candy:

What do I do with a 17 yr old defiant daughter that is determined to make life hell?

My daughter will be 18 next month. She is stubborn, defiant and determined to make the family life hell. She always tell me she will be grown soon. She also is very angry with herself and everybody around her (family.) She threatens to leave home.... I throw my hands up and tell her I am not holding her back! She leaves for short periods of time with her friends after having reeked total chaos within the family and home. I usually give advice, but can't seem to know the answer with my own. Any suggestions... because so far come Dec on her b-day IF things haven' t changed with her she is OUT!!! I am too old for this!!!

all behavior is to get a need met.she is angry about something.she need to be guided though this transition from terrible two to teen frighten to be a adult. challenge her women wood.

Tamera - posted on 12/04/2009

I will say that you have described me as a 17 year old. I thought I was smarter than my mother and totally had little regard for her feelings. The one thing I always said was "I'll be 18 soon and you can't tell me what to do." I moved out at 19 and became a young mother. My mother saw me through all the sorrow in my young life. How I regret today what I put my mother through. I wouldn't be the person I am today without her love and support. Today we are very close and I thank God for her everday...so please hang in there. She'll eventually come around and you will get your little girl back!

LaDonna - posted on 12/04/2009

I've seen some good insights here. The good news is that you get them back in a few years. My 17 year-old from hell is now 26, married, with an excellent husband and 18 month old daughter of her own (payback is coming)
There is a small book I used and bought at least a dozen copies of called "Get Out of my Life, but First Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall". It is a guide to adolescents and teens, basically saying we have all gone through it, and everyone has to go through it as a part of growing up. I see it as part of the process of breaking off from their parents and the safe place they live in. They have to hate us so they have the courage to leave us. But they will be back, hopefully only for advise and hugs.
Stay strong and try to listen as much as possible. I was able to convince my daughter that I would be there for her when she called me in the middle of the night, even if she'd been drinking, rather than screaming at her, making her less likely to come home or call. Safety first. I did not promote her behavior, but tried to understand it, and remembered my less than angelic youth. I considered it a victory that she graduated HS and did not get pregnant.
Girls seem to need to get the last word and would rather fight with you than give in to your wisdom.

Denise - posted on 12/04/2009

Hi Candy,
Sorry to hear about your grief. It seems your daughter is acting out for a reason. A reason that only she seems to know.
If I were you I'd try to sit down and talk to her in a calm manner and try to get to the bottom of why she is behaving this way. And if she doesn't respond in a timely manner and continues to be disrespectful, I'd let her know that the consequences will be her moving out on or shortly after her 18th birthday. If I were you I'd even help her pack.
Once she gets out into the world and sees how challenging everyday life can be she will stop and think about how good she had it at home. And perhaps an apology will be in order. But let her know that you love her and that your front door does not revolve. Once she walks out with her things there is no coming back.
Good luck with this young lady.

Rose - posted on 12/03/2009

a short swift kick in the behind wont go astray, honestly if she wants to go let her she'll be 18 so what ever you say or do is not going to make any difference, but tell her that once she's out that door there is no turning back and mean it when you say it, kids today think that life out in the real world is easy, but no let her find that out for herself. she'll make mistakes but hopefully she'll learn by them, and if she wants to move back home tell her there are conditions and if they are not to her satisfaction then tell her sorry thats just the way it is stay or leave

Mary - posted on 12/03/2009

Candy, I can sympathise with you, I am going through a similar situation with my last child (son) of 9 kids. If I have learned anything after all these kids is...stick with your rules! Tough love is just what it means and you have to switch the tough off of you and the rest of the family and put it on her. Let her know straight up what you expect of her and the consequences. Let's see how well she straightens up after B-Day! Hugs, Mary

Jacqueline - posted on 12/03/2009

U have tried to be the best mom u could but sometime u have to show tuff love. U have to allow them to to make mistake and be there when they realize mom is right and she will.

Jeanie - posted on 12/03/2009

Hi Candy, well been right where you are at about 6 years ago. My daughter oh how we butted heads, she knew it all we knew nothing. I know it probably don't seem like things will get better, but it will. What I was told Tough Love open the door for her tell her don't let it hit her in the butt when she leaves. She thinks she is grown up just let her see what life is really all about, she will come to her senses but when she does set rules and stick by them. You may have to let her fall flat on her face before she relizes home is not a bad place. By any chance drugs be involved? If so get her in rehab before she turns 18. My daughter is now 26 has 2 kids of her own and knows now we were that stupid. She is doing very well now. Stick by your own advice come Dec if it has not changed tell her no more it will be hard for you but in long run it will help. Good luck and keep us posted

Diane - posted on 12/03/2009

God Bless all you mothers going through the teenage years. I wouldnt want to go back there to save my life. All 4 of my children are in their late 20's now. I have no words of wisdom except to say to hang in there. It WILL get better in a couple of years when they figure out what they want in life. My 2 sons put me through hell with drugs, alcohol, and jail. They are now settled with marriage, children, and good jobs. We are extremely close now. So just know that there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. My prayers are with you all.

Kimberly - posted on 12/02/2009

i dont know about you but i am very protective of my 15 yr old and she thinks i am too involved but these days cant let them do anything alone. i pick her up from scool. very picky who she hangs with. so she says can t wait till she is 18 and can leave her very loving home so she s not controlled i really hope she will mature and choose not too. but if she is 18 and wants to leave and thinks thing s are better somewhere else let her go and maybe she will appreciate home better after that. just tell her if she doesnt like your rules. then go somewhere there not rules. she find there are rules everywhere.

Debbie - posted on 12/02/2009

being a mum of a teenager is so difficult been through it twice my youngest is 14 so got to go through it again id say sit her down and really listen try not to interuppt and let her talk to you remind her you care and love her and life isnt always easy try and break through the barriers she keeps putting up let her know your on the same side and tell her how her behaviour makes you feel and the effect it has on the family but remind her shes very muched loved lots of luck dont give up

Inger - posted on 12/02/2009

I am a mother also of a 13yr old, 24yr old and 25yr old .You have to make sure first your daughter understands that you are not her friend you are her mother and she must respect that fact. Does she work? Does she have a cell phone? Is she on birth control?Do not allow her to break up your home and bring disharmony among your family. Explain to her there will be no revolving door. If she is so unhappy at home, let her go where she think she can be happy. Has she finished highschool? She will find out like my kids those friends are not really her friends and she has to be more serious about her future. Remind her that all actions have consequences and she has to be ready to accept that.

Renee - posted on 12/02/2009

Candy, I can speak from my experience with my own mother in that I lived at home until I was 21. I had a curfew, had to keep my grades in college up and I had to respect her rules as long as I was under her roof and my mom meant business. I agree with most of the other posts in that you need to keep the rules YOUR rules and she needs to follow those rules and expectations while she is under your roof. She may not appreciate it now, but when she is older and a mother herself, I am sure she will be glad you "stuck to your guns". Good luck.

Tammy - posted on 12/02/2009

we all learn very quickly ......."there's no place like home"

Valerie - posted on 12/01/2009

I hear you, been there done that still there! My daughter started that at 17 also she is now 20 in her second year of college and still doing all that you wrote abt w/ ur daughter. She is not happy if she doesn't keep drama going wherever she is...drives me up a wall. I'm 46, I have another daughter who is 18 and a foster son who is 2 ( adopting him) and lastly a special needs foster daughter who is 3 I don't have time for her mess either. She moved out last year but still visits n keeps the family in a upheaval!! I don't remember acting like that with my mom, she wasn't having it! Lol. Hold on it has to get better, keep praying for her!

TRACIE - posted on 12/01/2009

tough love is very hard to do. Help her pack her bags this will freak her out totally.

Cathy - posted on 12/01/2009

hi candy.....tuff love is the only answer. i had that problem with one of my daughters when she was same age as ur daughter. i had to make her leave my home after 3 weeks she came back a different girl realizing how bad her behavour was. now she,s 25 and the best in the world... good luck

Dianne - posted on 11/30/2009

You have to do the Tough-Love.........It's your home, and your rules......you are the adult and she is the child, it took me awhile as well with my daughter-but you need to stand your ground!! Best wishes.....

Toni - posted on 11/30/2009

Teenagers are notorious for being selfish, it seems the closer to 18 they get the worse. Not all teenagers experience this. I agree tough love is the answer. I had my daughter arrested. She left me no choice. Yes it was hard going to court and seeing her shackled but she learned and is now 22, married and finishing college. At one time we didn't think she would finish high school. My son was a different story never gave one problem at all. But when my daughter broke the law it gave me the umpf that I needed. Good luck and when she realizes how much she loves you and that she isn't as smart as she thinks you will be the first one she comes too. I was told her they hurt the ones they love the most.

Paula - posted on 11/30/2009

TOUGH LOVE IS THE ONLY WAY

Joy - posted on 11/30/2009

I have a daughter that just turned 18 in oct. She is the same way. She said that she was moving in with her boyfriend family. I told her to go and she did. And she is still there.

Wanda - posted on 11/30/2009

Be Loving, but firm and let her go out get a job, pay bills and find out how hard life really is, the only thing you can;t do is bell her out. let her find out the hard way, I no it is hard because we love our kids unconditionally but they have to wake up and smell the roses. if not then they haven't learned life's lessons and then what happens when you aren't around to bell her out.Let the hand outs stop.until she tries to hold her own.
and when u see her trying for herself then let her know u r there to help. But you have to help yourself before u can help others.

Donna - posted on 11/29/2009

Hello Candy, i"m the mom of two grown kids now. first i need you to understand you are not alone. there are many of us who have had this same situtation my sdvise to u is to tell her " you think you're grown and at 18 you want to be on your own then honey fine BUT!!!!! she can only take the things from her room that she has bought & paid for herself. i mean right down to her underware if you (MOM) bought them she doesn't get them. if you/mom bought the bed mom tell her to bad figure it out little girl you think you have it so bad at home let see how much she has to set up house in her own place. i can bet it won't be much. we did this to our son at 18 he left with a duffel bag oc clothes (NO underware cause we bought all of them he had no pillow no blankets and so on. he learned pretty quick that he wasn't as grown as he thought he was. also when she reeks chaos in the home. make it hard on her. i know its difficult for the rest of the family. but tough love pays off 9 out of 10 time. we left out son homeless in the dead winter in minnesota. it was the hardest thing we ever had to do. but he was out of control. when he finally had had enough he came home and now has his own house going to college, and has a job. hang in there candy. pray sister let the good Lord carry some of this burden. sincerely with love & compassion Donna Wells

Paula - posted on 11/29/2009

i agree with the post below...i think it is a power struggle .you cant allow yourself to engage into arguments or anythingwith them...you lose your power. i have 16 and 18 yr old girls that give me a run for my sanity. ive put my foot down and try to stick to what i say best that i can.for me, its working better now. we have a way to go but its definitely better

i do think though , if they are 18 and acting up and notthing seems to work or get better , they need to gather their stuff and go live elsewhere.

its hard and i know what you are dealing with, ive had blk and blue eye and a bloody nose while we were restraining my youngest,....as parents we have to do what we feel is best and just do the best that we can...

EVELYN - posted on 11/29/2009

as a mother we are very forgiving and allow our kids to do what they want to do and so of us won't allow that to go down . but anyway if you don't show your child who thinks she is grown then you will keep on repeating the same cycle. cause the reason i'm saying this to you is i have a 15yr old boy who is like that and very disrespectful.and he don't see that he is the problem to me being stress out and tired of the insanity that he brings in my house so yes i know what you are going through.

Joellyn - posted on 11/28/2009

She has to learn her lessons the hard way. I have a 17 year old girl that has to have it her way all the time also. There is nothing I can do but tell her what might happen and let her go. She's starting to come around.

Julia - posted on 11/28/2009

I know where you are coming from, because I been there with my daughter that is 17 that will be 18 in Jan. I also have a 19 year old son, but he did not cause to much trouble in the household unlike my middle child (daughter) and add one more daughter that is going to be 14 in Dec.

I have gone through the same thing with my 17 for the last two years (due to the divorce) and telling me she really hates me, would have nothing to do with me, and other colorful things she said. The best thing to do whether your daughter lives at home or not is to set limits on what you are willing to put up with. If she goes beyound that then you can say No More and give her the choice of 1) stop doing what she is doing and let her know that she can do whatever she wants as long as she can follow certain rules such as when, where, why, how, and who questions; 2) treat her like an adult (as she thinks she is) by charging her rent and utilities with a contract of the rules and evicition; or 3) tell her find another place to live such friends or family.

Fair warning she will not tell you what her problems are (as I have experienced from two children), but if you can get her to talk to another family member or close friend of yours that she can open up to maybe she will let it out (Maybe). One thing for sure you have to be patient and she will come around my did (two years later).

Peachie - posted on 11/28/2009

I have a 21 year old that has a baby that will be 1 year old next week and that Grandbaby is my world, I have had problems with my daughter for a very long time and lately it has gotten worse. I have my Grandbaby twice a week since birth and now they want her home more which I can understand (of course mainly because she is more independent), but told her it was not fair to the baby or me to just strip her from me and tell me I can keep her once a month, she finally agreed we will taper it off,

I will take her one day a week for a couple weeks and then once every two weeks so the baby and I can adjust, but when she told me I would only get her once a month, it tore my heart to pieces and this isnt the first thing she has done to tear my heart to pieces and lately it gets worse and worse so bad that she called me the "c" word last week and all kinds of other stuff. I am almost at the point where I am going to have to cut her out of my life and the only thing that stops me is my Grandbaby but I told her today it will kill me to do it but if she continues the disrespect and tearing my heart apart I will have to walk away from my precious Grandbaby, sad part is, it is I and my Grandbaby that suffer but I do not know what else to do.

I offered today to go to support groups with her to figure her problems out. I raised her on my own, her dad has always lived 45 min away but has never wanted anything to do with her, does not even talk to her, she admitted to me she still wants his love, she also before the age of 9 lost two people very very close to her, my mother and my uncle who took care of her while I worked. I know she has issues and I feel a support group may help, what do you all think, has anyone tried this or had similar problems.

I am sorry to say that my daughter can walk out of my life but my Grandbaby will be the hard one for me to take as she is my reason for living right now.

Pamela - posted on 11/28/2009

God Bless all of us who have had to deal with the agony of disobedient teenagers! My suggestion would be like the other moms....Give her to God and let her go. At some point she will snap you will be the best thing next to sliced bread! Be there for her but let her make her own bed...reminding her that this was her suggestion.

Cathryn - posted on 11/28/2009

Hi Candy
I have three sons aged 22, 21 & 19, I have had similar problems as you. The first question is why is she feeling so angry not only with the family but, with herself. How is her hormone levels? I would get them checked out first of all. I only have my youngest son living at home now and actually gave him a choice of either buck up or move out, which he did for about 6 weeks. I knew where he was and also that he was ok, I did not have any contact with him during this time.It was extremely hard but I stuck to it and after a while we began to text each other then, talk over the phone. He is now back at home and shows me alot more respect and helps around the house too. Has she suffered any upset latley, I feel concern as she is so angry. Why is this?
I hope this helps, please keep me informed. Cathy

Joan - posted on 11/28/2009

hi
i don't know what state you are from, but in ma you can go to the courts and file a chins order. the chins or child in need of support. the chins put my nephew on probation which gave him 4 weeks to work with probation and decide to do the right thing.it does scare some kids into doing the right thing . there will be some kids who dig their heels in further. that was my nephew so he ended in front of the judge and finally in fostercare that was my nephews choice.
i really feel for you.
joan

Theresa - posted on 11/28/2009

My son was like that and I called his bluff. He threaten to run away and I told him I would help him pack....He didn't run away....I told him I wa tired of his threats so for his 18th birthday I gave him a one-way bus ticket to anywhere he wanted to go...It was the hardest thing for me to do but I wasn't going to let him win....It's a power struggle really....They think cause they are 18 or soon to be that they know it all and can do it all, but as parents we know better but they won't listen so tough love wins .
He's 23 now and doing alright for himself... reassure her you love her with all your heart but your not going to let her rule anymore, its time for her to go...

Kate - posted on 11/28/2009

Hi Candy, I know where you are, I have no advice to give and was hoping there was some here after your post! At least you know your not alone, as I do now. Good luck to you it must get better at some point.

Angela - posted on 11/27/2009

You gave your own answer....if she is 18 and wants to be a big girl then honey it is time to say, GOODBYE; if she isnt financially prepared then i suggest you set her up as a renter and charge rent (if you want her to save then charge chores) with the understanding that it is YOUR WAY or the HIGH WAY. if you bend then she will run with it and if you dont think you can stay the course, then get her out. She will only get away with what you allow her at this point. Set house rules on everything, from meal time to quiet time. From visitors to her going out and the time to come back and lock the doors when she isnt back on time. Been there and done it....and with a special needs child. tough love and tough choices but those are her tough choices not yours.