what do you do if your son starts being distant with after 19 years

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Bridget - posted on 02/11/2009

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Quoting Pamela:

what do you do if your son starts being distant with after 19 years




mY SON is 20 and the way I look at it if there is a girlfriend. your sure to be kicked to the side. I know i have to give him his space but. i also know that i don't want him to feel scared to talk to me. I still talk to my dad and mom and i'm 42yrs old. I feel that no parent should be distant with their child. The child should always respect the parent no matter what age. the parent should just be straight up honest with her son. is there something that happen in the relationship recently that may have caused this? if not just give him the space he needs and call him every two weeks. I call my 20yr old every two days. I just want him to know. i'm here. but there's time he gets mad  or i get mad and i don't call for a wk. and let him call me. usually they say when kids/adults reach 22yrs they finally see things we do. I hope that's true . I just think it's only true for women that men.

Drikie - posted on 02/16/2009

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Hi how are you? It is sooooo difficult I have a son on 25 and a daughter 23 and I am just on a need to know basis this is probably the most difficult side of being a mother, when do we stop caring, when do we stop guiding them and the concerns about life and especially Rachel is so stubborn wants to follow her own way all the time and all we want to do is protect them give them advice and be a part of their adult life. We as mothers get to a stage where therapists will tell you now is the time to think of yourself and do things for yourself it's your turn now but how do we do this... it's easier said than done. I haven't got the solution to this problem but if it is any consolation I know what you are going through and what it feels like and it is not a good feeling at all.

Pamela I promise you as soon as I have the solution or ointment to put on the hurt I will let you know.

Bye,

Take care.

Drikie

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Cyndi-Ann - posted on 02/16/2009

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Unfortunatley one of the hardest parts (and largest parts) of being a parent is letting go. It starts at 5 when they go to school. A son even biblically is suppose to  “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” If spouses refuse to truly leave their parents, it results in conflict and stress.  However today ppl can misinterpret what that means, leaving your parents does not mean ignoring them, or not spending any time with them. What leaving your parents means is recognizing that your marriage created a new family, and that this new family must be a higher priority than your previous family. If spouses neglect to cleave to each other, it results in a lack of intimacy and unity. It is hard to move to a spectator and ocassional consultant for many of us, but it is part of parenting. It is why we teach them all the important stuff early in their lives after they are adults they rarely learn from your mistakes, they must make their own hard as it is to sit and watch it happen. Being there for them when they need a safe place and place to land in is about all we can after they are grown.

Pamela - posted on 02/15/2009

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My beautiful son became distant with me the minute he met his wife in his mid 20's. We had a great relationship before that. He had great friends, loved singing, played basketball with his friends and had good relationships with his sisters. After his future wife came on the scene she systematically got rid of his family and friends one by one. Even when they got married he only had one friend attend and his mum and dad and two sisters at his wedding and she even stopped that friendship after the weddding. He now only has her friends husbands for friends. He only visits us for short visits on his own. He has two beautiful children aged 2 and 6 mths we hardly get to see and hardly know. It is so sad but after many conversations about our concerns with him have falled on deaf ears we have finally given up and have to just enjoy the rare times we get to see him. There's not much else we can do. I hope your son doesn't go down this path. You just have to love him and remember the good times you shared with him

Cyndi-Ann - posted on 02/15/2009

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I agree with the others, its hard to live through but dont give up on your relationship. My boys aged 22 23 and 25 come home every sunday for dinner.  And most weeks they call on avg of 5 - 7 times per week, but we have never said they "had" to. They just do. Even the one who lives 5 hours away usually comes for dinner.  Though he tends to call less often than the others every second day though usually. Ofcourse my husband almost passed two years ago, and is still ill so that may be why it persists so long after they have all moved out I am not sure.  Make sure he knows your their if he needs you. It is hard to move from the stage of advisor to ocassional consultant. I remember it changed for me and for my husband with our parents once we had kids. Then we were much closer to our parents again.

Katherine - posted on 02/13/2009

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Funny, I just had a session with a family counselor and we spoke heavily about my son, who happens to be very loving and close to me, but a challenge. We spoke about his personality and his ways and one of the things she warned me about is that he will probably pull away from me when he hits middle to high teens. She warned me that it would be extrememely difficult for me because he will push me away...far away. Now she explained to me that the reason for this is his need to become independent and become his own person, and because of his closeness to me now he will push me further away in order to become whole within himself. She told me to be patient during these hard times because they would last a few years, but by the time he was in his middle 20s he would come right back to me and our relationship would be closer than ever. Don't take it personally, he needs to became a man. It's a thought!

Sally - posted on 02/12/2009

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just make sure he knows your there for him, but give him space or you might end up pushing him away, im sure all will be fine.

Loralee - posted on 02/11/2009

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I just remind him that we're there for him no matter what and when he's ready he can come and talk; usually won't fill me in on what's going on because I'm sick but he will tell his father and he fills me in. For me usually only lasts a couple of days but it definitely is a hard couple of days, I really feel for you.

Janice - posted on 02/11/2009

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My son is almost 19.  He is away at college about an hour away from home.  I have always given him his space to grow and have his independence, but let him know that I am always here if he needs me.  I have found that it was incredibly hard when he first left, but has gotten easier as the months have passed.  And what I had anticipated has actually happened.  He calls when he "Needs" something.  It may be for $$, or for me to order his books for school on line.  He ocassionally comes home with his laundry.  I just don't pester him and tell him to just let me know he's alive with a phone call or e-mail once in a while.  Seems to be working so far.

Barbara - posted on 02/11/2009

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Just keep the communication lines open, and be there.  If you have been close in the past, it will return.  Remember, he's a teenager, and teens (even older teens) have their times when they are moody. There may be issues he is trying to deal with and he's not ready to share yet, but by keeping the communication lines open, he will come back. 

Cheryl - posted on 02/11/2009

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Give yourself a pat on the back for raising him to feel he can be independant!



I have 3 in their 20's, my son is that way sometimes,but they all know I will call at least once a week;and we all agree to telll eachother if we travel anywhere and share our intenerary- so nobody worries.

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