What do you do when the neighborhood moms won't accept you into their circle?

Lori - posted on 08/02/2011 ( 47 moms have responded )

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Hi!

I'm a mom over 50 with an adopted 7-1/2 year old. That makes me an oddity in my neighborhood, where the other moms are all around 30-35. The trouble is, I'm being left out of the neighborhood group--to the point where our family is purposely not invited to neighborhood get-togethers. And one neighbor even sent my daughter home with a note not to come down the street to play with her kids, when I let her go down and play with the other kids. I can't figure out why this is happening--just figure it's because they don't like having an older mom with a Chinese girl on the street. Has anyone else ever been in this situation? What did you do?

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SarahBeth - posted on 08/02/2011

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I have smiled and waved at the neighbor who apparently hated my guts, until his face broke and he smiled back one day. I made it a point to talk to him about things we had in common. It took a lot of effort. Finally he was overheard to say "he didn't have much use for white people, but the lady next door was OK."

I may be wrong, but I suspect it is racial not age. The mom who sent the note - address that head on. Go down to her and ask her what your daughter did. Tell her you are sorry if your daughter misbehaved, and you will deal with your daughter, but need to know what the problem is.

She either has to admit she is racist, or capitulate. Invite them over, all of them. Kids learn racism from their parents and neighborhoods. They can't figure out why NOT to go to a backyard cookout.

Louise - posted on 08/02/2011

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This is a horrible situation to be in Lori I am so sorry. It sounds like you are living in an uncomfortable neighbourhood who have ostrosized you and your family. I hope it is not because of the colour of your daughters skin because that is appauling. My advice is move if you can because this is going to have an effect on your daughter when she realises that people are avoiding her and deliberately not letting her play with their children.

The mother who sent that note home should be ashamed of herself! I have to say I live in England and we do not do neighbourhood events but community mums and tots and summer play schemes for children of school age. I have never come across this and I can only imagine the pain you and your family must feel dealing with it on a daily basis.

I suppose if you really wanted to get to the bottom of it then have a bbq and invite the neighbours, those that come are friends those that don't are not!

Granny - posted on 06/24/2012

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Hey who needs a flipping circle when I have this perfect square...LOL...
Not that I have ever tried to fit into any ones circle,but sounds to me like your area is full of me so's like me so full of me self ....lol...If it is so important to fit in you could maybe host your own get together and invite the other ladies or group.,a big child friendly event or you could ask them one family at a time so you can get to know them separately ....But I wouldn't want to know people like that, it may not be you maybe they just don't like your Lil' Asian daughter people are really weird ya know....I find it very sad that those parents are missing out on getting to know the best people in their neighbor hood thats their loss not yours but i hope your Lil' angel doesn't suffer for their ignorance....I m sure she will be having lots of friendships at school and her real friends and yours can visit her at her home....This makes me angry at people like that you just don't worry for them Hun, enjoy yourself and your darling child....♥Granny

Bobbie - posted on 08/31/2011

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Well I had that problem when I first moved to our little town that we live in and have for 7 years now. It was hard at first no one knew us or wanted to and we had not lived here all of our life and we were not rich. Pretty much no chance right? Well I made it a chance. I was a girl scout leader for 2 years, and have been secretary of the PTO at their school. I am always at school helping out, making suggestions, and being supportive of different causes. Of course I still have many moms that are rich or snobby that do not like me or my kids and I just explain to my children don't worry about it you will be better off without the snobby peopl in your life. Sometimes you just cannot change some people. But you do really find out who your friends are. Try to get her into girl scouts that really helped my 11 year old, she loves it and gets to be around girls her age that definatly want to be her friend.

Maria - posted on 08/20/2011

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i have the same problem regarding my interracial kids. thet are a quarter black, a quarter armenian, and half irish. they are beautiful, and a bit exotic... not white enough for the mothers at their daycare.... God bless you and your family and try not to let ignorant people upset you, altough easier said than done. ♥

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Police - posted on 09/23/2013

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This is OUTRAGEOUS!
That is very rude! I have been in a similar situation, but at school for my daughters :(
Talk to the parents. Let them know that you won't put up with their cr** (sorry)
Is there an association board? Speak to them, or social services. Do WHATEVER it takes to bring those b***hes down!
call me if someone needs to be spoken to, i still have my Police Department badge
(949) - 508- 7261

FIGHT THE POWER!! good luck

Jill - posted on 07/07/2012

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WOW, I am stunned! I an a 58 year old Mom of a BEAUTIFUL 15 year old Chinese Daughter. Especially in our new, really small, rural home town we have NO PROBLEM fitting right in! I have many, many girlfriends in their 30s and very early 40s... My best friend in the area is 36!



I try to "think young", which having a young Daughter helps me do... I dress fashionably and keep my hair colored, use great anti-aging skin care, and participate in all the activities that are popular with the other Moms.



If the gals in your neighborhood shun you, THEIR LOSS!!! Look outside your neighborhood to the larger community. Get involved in groups that you and your Daughter can enjoy together... Maybe a scrap booking or quilting group, Church youth group... a sports team for your child where you can bond with the other Moms at games, a craft class of some sort, to name a few.



One thing that is very popular in our area are direct selling parties... Pampered Chef, Miche Bags, Scentsy, Mary Kay. I expanded my circle of friends exponentially when I became a Mary Kay Consultant 2 years ago! I know my Daughter is older, but I have Mother-Daughter Back-to-School parties, etc. Have some sort of amazing Mother-Daughter bash at YOUR house, inviting her friends from school or Church and their Moms. Do manis and pedis, bake cookies... Maybe have something the little girls do on their own while you get to know the Moms better over refreshments. Or how about a movie night with videos of great kids movies?



Are there other members of your Travel Group nearby that you can visit, or invite to your home? How old was your Daughter when you brought her home? Is there a language barrier? Do you live in a very bigoted community? Fortunately we have never encountered any rejection of a racial nature, but I have heard of this happening with our beautiful Daughters in some areas.



There are some great online Support Groups out there just for us, too. Check if you have a local Families with Children from China group in your general area. If you are ever in the Chicago or NW Indiana area, come visit us!!! And give me your email if you would be interested in staying in touch... Our Daughters are the most beautiful and special on the planet (no bias, of course ;-) !) Hang in there!!!

Nancy - posted on 06/22/2012

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I believe that is so wrong to treat you and your daughter that way. I would join moms groups in your area. I belong to a moms group with Meet UP. Our group is called TriValleyactivemoms.
Another idea, enroll your daughter in sports, hobbies. This way she can meet some good quality friends with the same interest. I think you are Fabulous for adopting a child and giving her a good home. You are Remarkable!!! Nancy from California

Petra - posted on 06/19/2012

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Hi Lori, I felt so much relief when I read your post because I feel exactly the same way. I am a 49 year old mom of two adopted kids, one 7 year old adopted son from Korea and a 5 year old domestically adopted daughter. My son went into elementary school last year and I have made friends with a few of the moms but the majority of the younger moms won't even give me a second thought. I would like to have my kids go on more playdates but I feel very strange going up to another mom and trying to be social when they are in their 20's or 30's. One thing you can try is see if there is a Meetup Moms group in your area. We have a variety of ages in our Moms group and it is not as stressfull to interact with other moms, it's more relaxed. You can pick and choose the playdates/activities you want to participate in. Another thing you can look into is an adoptive parent group maybe at your church or in your community. I have found that there are more older adoptive parents. I am on Facebook Petra Grace Dixon if you ever feel like talking. Hang in there

Christine - posted on 10/01/2011

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Wish I had some advice. How sad for those moms and their kids who are missing out on a great friendship and the chance to teach acceptance by example. Good luck. Hope you find a less judgmental group that deserves your company.

Carolyn - posted on 09/26/2011

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join the YMCA...cycle of neighborhood you have around you is not a good environment and they are probably not worthy of your friend~ship..

Julie - posted on 09/23/2011

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I find all this terribly sad,where is human decency?I dont like to comment here because Im not from US so maybe things work differently,cant say Ive ever experienced anything like this,the ideas of giving a child a note to tell her she essentially isisnt wanted thats just awful,I used to live in a town but we moved to the country but have never come across this anywhere!

Annette - posted on 09/20/2011

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Magic word Lori.................Chinese.

I don't think your neighbours are ageist........I think they are pure & simple RACISTS.

What a despicable act to send your little girl home with a note that shes not welcome to play with the other kids.

Take a good look..........any other asian kids??? I don't know what the prevailing ethnicity of the community is, but I'm guessing there are no other races there.

My question is: Do you want your little girl brought up in an environment like this? It may be a difficult truth, but it may also be better for you all if you move away from this poisonous racism.

Good luck sweety.

Sharlene - posted on 09/06/2011

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Well, I personally feel for you since I have also been in that position [I am 54 yrs old with a 13 yr old] We have lived in our house 12 years now and oh yes, the mothers of my sons friends are in their early 30's, if that. We have mostly boys around our cul-de-sac and next street off it. We have never been included in the bon-fires, or cook outs...there is 1 mother/father in particular that cause most the issues [they were class king/queen at the local HS, their son/daughter can do no wrong {ha! if she only knew....], and they've even gone as far as to accuse my son of b&e and stealing from his best friend house [when we werent even in town!]; told all the moms at the school, causing some nasty issues with other friends. I hire a P.I., I was so upset, and in the end, it was another kid that did it and her son, lied, misconstrued info, causing all the nastiness. She's never apolologized or spoke to me since; and I really don't care. We spoke to our son, explained what was going on, trying to explain why they would do this. His best friend parents knew our son didn't do it and never blamed him. Now all the kids play together again, but them and us will never be friends. She's a "wannabe" and thinks she and her kids are "special". She's going to be the mother to watch out for during the next few yrs going into high school! Can't wait....she's already grooming her son to be the most popular, studly guy in their class.....its just ridiculous.

I would confront that woman none the less, you never asked her to babysit; let her know you didn't expect her to; that the two girls just want to be friends and play. Let her know about how the adoption came to be (I find that when I tell the mom's about my sons adoption and how long I tried to have children, that I lost a couple along the way.....that being the "older" mom was not what I expected, but it is great....they seem to come around. Being the older mom has its benefits: you've been in this world longer, know things they don't, have more patience, you know some things just aren't worth getting upset about; you know what battles to fight and which not to; you're probably calmer in situations that they are. Her, If she still has an issue, screw her....not worth it. Explain to your daughter that some parents just don't think about their kids happiness first like you do and that there are other kids she can play with. They're usually good with that. Wishing you luck....

Jane - posted on 08/30/2011

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We have the same problem with one neighbor and a few family members (in laws, not blood relatives). As far as we are concerned they no longer exist, and if anyone asks why, we are perfectly honest about it.

Jane - posted on 08/30/2011

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We have the same problem with one neighbor and a few family members (in laws, not blood relatives). As far as we are concerned they no longer exist, and if anyone asks why, we are perfectly honest about it.

Mercy - posted on 08/30/2011

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Just know Lori that we are plenty that are having a hard time concerning our kids. And its not because of your age it is racial. My son is half danish half african and he is not accepted in his own sociaty because of his mums colour a bit sad but thats life. He plays and enjoys with those that want to be with him irrespective of his african mum. Im waiting for the nabour to say one wrong racial word then l know what to do. She already told a 2nd party but not direct to me that her child wont play with a niggers child. Keep on smilling things do get better........

Angela - posted on 08/23/2011

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"Walk with confidence and a smile. Not like a snob, but like somebody that everyone around you would like to get to know."
Great advice Renee! I like that one!
When I moved from D.C. USA to The Netherlands it took me years before the neighbors invited me over for even a coffee... Now they invite me but I have to say I am still the odd one out a lot of the time. In the Netherlands most make friends from grade school and never change up! Not everyone of course so I find the ones not like that!.

Denise - posted on 08/22/2011

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The same thing happened to me... I was the only single mom in my neighborhood and at the school. I had to make my own group. I found the support we needed through the single parents' group at church and though the kids' sports groups. I suggest that you look for a support group for parents of adopted children and make your own group.

Barbara - posted on 08/21/2011

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Isn't it a shame that it has take all that, for the adults in the childrens lives. But I believe the experience you described is an excellent idea . My niece teaches speech and supportive sevices as well as sub's and she tutors, very busy girl but she teaches in a small town where recently there have been kind of an increase of adopted forieregn children and she has started a program like that in her school, how refreashing to hear someone else with "like ideas" thank you!

Renee - posted on 08/20/2011

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Well, first of all, I feel that there is something going on behind the scenes with these women. Maybe they don't want their group dynamics to change? Maybe they don't approve of how you live or parent, maybe if you are a neat freak, they may feel threatened or if you are too mousy and submissive behaviorally, they may not want to hang out with you. I had a weird year in 2004. Lost a bunch of "friends" because I drank too much around them, so I got the hint and quit altogether. THEN, I lost my other friends because I no longer drank and THEY thought I was being judgemental because they would party. Could not win that year and ended up friendless, but smarter!

What I would do is this. Find out which mom in the group might be the easiest person to talk to for you and either invite her over or show up at her doorstep to talk. Tell her that it's not easy for you living in a new neighborhood and feeling left out. Get ready for the painful truth too, because it could sting, but ask her honestly if you did something or if they are uncomfortable with you for another reason. Maybe ask her if it's your age bothering them? If not, then ask her who you should talk to that could at least give you insight as to why they don't seem to include you. It does not SOUND like they don't know they are hurting you, but maybe they are not doing it on purpose? My thoughts are a combination of them feeling they are in a different generation and can't relate to you and that they have this circle that they are comfortable in and don't want new women there.

As a kid, I moved 12 times before I was 15 years old since my father worked for the Government. It helped me develop a more outgoing personality where I can meet people easily and quickly become a part of their lives. However, if what I feel above IS true, you don't have to count on them to be your friends. Church has friends, other activities you like will have friends, maybe support groups for adoptive parents?

It's tough when the neighbors shun you, I can imagine. I've lived in neighborhoods with snobs most of my younger life, and it really stinks. The best way to get back at them is to not allow them to get inside of your head and make you depressed. If they are, and you feel it's personal but they won't admit it, then I would absolutely tell them point blank that their behaviors say something else, that you are shocked at how a group of grown women will treat you like crap but not have the guts to tell you why to your face, just like some teenage click. I'd most definately make them feel very guilty about it, not yell at them, but tell them that you are new there and your daughter is just 7 who wants some playmates, yet she's not good enough for whatever reason you chose. Tell them that you may be older, but that does not make you a lepper and you can definately hold your own when it comes to sharing parenting advice and such.

Ask them WHY you are not invited to the get togethers. Right to their faces. Say, "What did I do to make you all hate me this much? How did I offend you or make you feel uncomfortable? Is it my age? My clothes? My hairstyle? That I have a Chinese daughter? Is it because I smell bad? Is my home not up to your standards? I may not change who I am for you, but I'd like to know if I need to appologise for anything I might have done to offend you all. Maybe you don't feel I belong for another reason or you have this closed group that does not welcome in new people? PLEASE just tell me so I know. Tell me so that I understand instead of gossiping and making it worse.

If they speak up, then listen and take it as at least an answer.

I'm a midwestern gal myself (Dad's job moved us all over WI, MN, IL and then AK). We now live in MA where my husband is from. Let me tell you, I have very few friends here because it is just NOT ok for new people to start talking to strangers here. You have to live here for years (we are going on 19 years now) before you can get some close friends. I actually get along better with men than women because women can be so catty and mean at times. A male friend will tell you like it is, just make sure there is no physical attraction to get in the way. OOOOOOOO, make friends with their HUSBANDS! LOL! That's something I would do, but I can be evil at times.

Whatever you do, don't be a doormat, not EVER. Walk with pride. Show them you are friendly and a good person to be friends with. Prove to them through your own actions that you don't care about their little group. Have book club meetings at your house, or have parties there to prove to them that they are not "all that" and you are fine without their snobby butts :-). Be confident in your life, show your daughter what strong women do when faced with difficulty. Wishy-washy personalities will get stomped on.

When I moved to Alaska, I took a walk with my mom and dad's friend alone. Told her I was scared since it was so far from Illinois. She gave me advice I have used ever since, "Walk with confidence and a smile. Not like a snob, but like somebody that everyone around you would like to get to know. Do this and you will have a wealth of friends." She was 100% right. Even now, I walk up straight, smiling, proud of who I am and my family. Oh, sure, I've lost friends, but they were just not strong enough to be my friend. I have other friends who will ALWAYS stand by my side, even if they do live all over the country. I have an awesome family, a great hubby and kids, and I love life. When you love life and everyone in it, these petty people don't matter anymore. In fact, some might even break away to get to know you.

BE STRONG, Lori! You can do this!

Tabitha - posted on 08/20/2011

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I haven't experienced that in particular but I did experience it growing up. My mother is Korean & my dad American so when I was younger I had a very distinct Oriental look which inspired my peers to make fun of me & leave me out of things. I eventually earned their respect by excelling in things they were interested in and with time became friends. I think some feel threatened by things they don't understand and react at times in negative and somewhat rude ways. It's tragic really when you think of all the friendships and enriching experiences lost because of preconceived notions and inaccuracies. I think an ice breaking get-together is a good place to start. Maybe you can start a support group for others in similar circumstances. It would be great if your child's teacher could give an assignment requiring students to give a presentation on their lives from birth til now including background, culture, likes, dislikes, etc. A visual could be made showing what they all have in common as well as where they differ. Extending invitations to parents to see the results may help them see that we all have things in common as well as differences but everyone is unique and special. Prejudices are taught to children just as acceptance can be. Good luck with this and please keep us posted. God bless you for opening up your heart and home to a child who needed both.

Angela - posted on 08/20/2011

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Wow the note thing really is not nice. I have to say I don't have that trouble really but I had to really pursue a friendship in the neighborhood. I figured if I could get one friend it might break the ice for others. It worked but I am still a bit of an outsider, the oldest at age 44, and I am an American who lives in The Netherlands.
If they really won't let you in the group can you go outside the box and try to find your own circle, IE got to your local community center and put of a note for play dates or coffee time or try the internet?
I started my own little thing like that and posted it on the internet and our community center I got several replies some came once and never again and some I still see and a couple I call good friends.
I am just thinking out loud at the moment
I still do not understand such a thing it is sad. If it were me and I could not get over it I might consider a move.

Linda - posted on 08/16/2011

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Well, if that is the way they want to act, they aren't worthy of your friendship. I would get involved with other things in the community. Camps, girl scouts, sports, cheerleading, church, maybe a bowling league, or craft/ceramics classes.

Dottie - posted on 08/15/2011

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Dear Lori, As hard as it is...WE cannot change others...all we can do is be the best that WE can be...I am raising my two grandsons...one is 6 and the other is 4 and I am 48...My 4 yr old has Autism...so NO we are not accepted by the neighbors here either. Most of my neighbors are African-American...we are white...they won't even play with my 6 yr old because his brother is autistic...so WE play together! They make fun of my 4 yr old because he is still in pull-ups...and still doesn't talk very well...but he is MINE and we love him...that is all that matters to us...some people have NO class at all, and boy does it show...and YOU have more class in your little finger than they have in their whole body...all of them put together! Put your best foot forward...and if they won't except you or your daughter...then you don't need them...there is plenty of groups, libraries, and girls clubs that will gladly except her and you...God leads us where He wants us...it's up to us to make it work...and your beautiful daughter will learn from the best!

Rosie - posted on 08/15/2011

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Some mom groups can be very clicky. This is unfortunate for both the child and the mom. I would consider myself lucky not to be included with such women but I would definitely address the "note" issue with the mom that was rude enough to send your daughter home. Get your daughter involved in other group activities outside of the neighborhood. She will find a comfort elsewhere and so will you.
Good luck!

Brenda - posted on 08/15/2011

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My personal experience is much different but never the less I just took my daughter to play elsewhere, thier loss as I see it. My neighborhood is only friendly to us when they want to play in our daughters playhouse or to have access to the river, via our back yard. Also I don't blend well with the mom's in the area but I do with older grandmothers who are raising their grandchildren and my daughter gets along with all children, well except the rude mean ones that are out to find fighting partners. my advise to you is to get involved in a community group, we are very active with our local library and also through a couple musems where the parents and children are there for a purpose, both social and learning, our go to a park in your area and get to know folks that way, as they are there to play!

Alexandra - posted on 08/14/2011

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Hi Lori - what a bunch of idiots you live near! Times have changed, you should be praised for adopting a child in need not outcast!
I agree with Louise (below) - throw a party BUT invite everyone to spite themselves. If they end up not showing up, they look like the LOSERS!
Good luck!

Jane - posted on 08/14/2011

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We have a multiracial family also. Some of our neighbors are great folks. A few others are not. One family we simply avoid, the mom of which was described by another one of the "nice" moms as being a witch spelled with a capital B. She had a problem because my son is obviously African-American, and because he has some behavioral problems due to brain damage at birth. Another mom on the street was quite nice to me and my kids, but hated the woman across the street from her (who was one of my friends). The reason? The woman across the street was a Unitarian, while the mom talking to me was the type of Baptist who thinks Unitarians are Satan-worshipers.

In the long term we made friends through school, scouts, and church, and simply ignored those families that didn't accept us.

Laura - posted on 08/14/2011

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Your neighbor sounds like a real prize!

I can somewhat relate to you ... I am 47, my husband 37, I am a foreigner and we are going for custody of our two foster boys, 6 and 7. We are both caucasion, the boys are not (1 Maori and 1 Indian). Makes for a beautifully colorful and multicultural family! I have failed to make any friends in our neighborhood since moving here over two years ago. I think it's mostly to do with my age and that I'm a foreigner. As disappointing as it is, the boys play with the kids in the neighborhood so I don't worry about being an outsider. However, if the boys were being ignored or ostracized, I would be very upset.

If it's just the one woman causing the problem, ignore her and invite all the others over, then after everyone else has responded positively invite her at the last minute so at least you can say she wasn't excluded! Lol. Hopefully the others in your neighborhood will realize in time that there's nothing wrong with you. :)

Lorilyn - posted on 08/14/2011

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That's awful and I never experienced that. I don't think I would want to be their friends. I am 55 and both my daughters are adopted, one from Vietnam and one from Nepal, 20 and 12, so our ages are similar. I would flee from those mean, prejudicial families. You don't need them.

Liz - posted on 08/12/2011

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don't look at the neighborhood for your enjoyment. find people who are like minded to join in with. maybe there is another mother who is on the "outs" with the neighborhood, and become friends with them. I did that, when we moved into a neighborhood in Omaha. We were not "from there" so we were cut out, and we had 5 boys. I solved it by being friends with families I found at school and on the block behind us. I did not talk to the rest of the neighborhood, and when we were transfered out of there, I litterally danced in the front yard. Only then did one of the neighbors talke to me and apologized to me for being stuck up. She said that one of the neighbors said that we must be "nuts" to have that many kids and that they didn't need that in "this neighborhood". Their loss, not ours. My friends on the other block were happy for us to be moving on to a new assignment but sad to see us go. So it is their loss that they are not friendly with your daughter.

Lora - posted on 08/10/2011

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I wouldn't even worry over it. There loss anyway. If you confronted them, they would more than likely not give you a straight answer anyway. Although you might just to see what's said. I have never been excepted in a neighborhood. I really have never cared. If your child has friends at school and plays there, I would invite your childs friends over. At 7-1/2 friends come and go. I would focus on you doing things with your child and not worry about the neighborhood. It's more important anyway for you and your family to be together. When we first moved to where we live now my son played with some boys across the street. Well I'm the type of Mom that wants to know where my child is at all times. Well these boys were up and down, up and down the streets all the time. I was a nervous wreck. After one day I screamed across 3 yards to find my son and finally screamed loud enough that God heard me, my son also heard me that time. He came home but without some of the toys he had took with him for all the kids to play with. I finally tracked down where the toys were and then was told that my son could not get them because the house was locked. Yea RIght. Come to find out (the neighborhood bully is what I called him) he didn't want to give my son's toys back. That was it for the neighborhood play.

Cherie - posted on 08/09/2011

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I'm a very up-front person and I think I would go talk to the note writer and find out why, exactly, your daughter was sent home. It might just be a personality problem among the children. Don't try to guess what the problem but take it head on. My son was having trouble with a neighborhood child to the point that he was bullied and pushed out into the road in front of an on-coming car. By the afternoon as I found out what happened the mother of the other boy was standing at my doorstep with her son in tow. She made her son apologize and invited my son to come over and play with her son. Both boys became good friends, graduated together, have worked together and still hang out. Communication is the key, not just guessing over the situation.

Eva - posted on 08/08/2011

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I would do nothing...unfortunatelly you are in some idiots corner ... better for you and your child not to associate with such people anyway but if you still would like I would advice you to ignore them that kind of people cannot stand indifference. Pity you don't live close to my house...

Sharon - posted on 08/08/2011

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to me i wouldnt want them as my freinds and would make3 my own circle of freinds i do day care from home and have not come across the age barrier at all and have found many granparents who care for their grandkids every day so sek them out

Barbara - posted on 08/08/2011

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Find another circle lol seriously though there is always the Boys and Girls Club these are some really good supportive programs that emphasize on cultural diversity .

Barbara - posted on 08/08/2011

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Sounds like you've done all you can with regard to your neighbor, I say "their loss" I have a very diverse family some biological some adopted, they are raised now but I am now raising my 4yr old grandson, who's Mom hasn't seen him since he was 1yrs old, I've had him since he was 4wks old she has seen him maybe 8xs his whole life. But that's another situation although he is part black and I am white, he say's he's brown, lol . My oldest son is blk and white and was born in 75 I caught racism from both side and it is difficult when it hurts one of your children. One day my son was outside playing and the neighbor {white} asked Mat if he wanted a piece of watermelon, he responded by saying "no thank you I really don't care for watermelon," the neighbor than said, well I thought all you niggers liked watermelon . Mat turned around a politely said you know I am surprised to hear something so ignorant come from someone as nice as you! It wasn't long before that neighbor came over to aplogize to my son and me. this came from my 10 year old son,needless to say I was and still am very proud of my son. You can't always protect them from the world outside but you can set limits on what is said in your own household, and always let them know how special they truly are. Sincerely Barbara Holliman

Stephanie - posted on 08/07/2011

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I am a adoptive Mom of 2, I Chinese , 1 Cambodian .... Aren't we blessed, .. Have no use for small minded people!!! All children are gifts, however they come into our lives. Tell the "lady"??? Thanks I'll respect your , smile pretty , and walk away knowing in your heart you took the high road, and set a beautiful example for your child

Marcia - posted on 08/07/2011

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Oh, do I know that feeling. I started playing with our (adopted, Guatamala) son myself in our yard. The other kids at first didn't know what to think, since they mothers do not. But, as an older mom you are content with yourself and don't mind making a fool of yourself and get down and play in the dirt with cars. When the other kids seen how we play, our house was the one where all the kids hung out? Was it a blessing or a curse? The other mothers came around, except in my case they are in there 20's and I am almost 50. Big age difference. My son has made some friends and others don't bother to come back. I figure, we just weeded out the ones who are not friend material. If they don't want your daughter to play with their kids, then move on. That is not a family where you would want you child to hang around.

Lori - posted on 08/05/2011

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Hi Tracie-I've tried several time to get to the bottom of this with this mom. The best I can do in this case is to go down the street with my daughter while the other kids are playing out on the street (we have a cul-de-sac). She knows not to go in their yard without being invited, and the mom can't stop her from playing with the other kids if it's a public forum. I'll never figure out why she wants to exclude me and my family from neighborhood stuff, and can only assume also that it's either racial or that it's the fact that I'm older than she is. At this point, I just feel like giving up and having my daughter focus on her real friends, rather than waste my time.

Tracie - posted on 08/05/2011

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Please don't assume anything. Have a private chat with the other mother and express your concern about what event caused your daughter to be banned from her house. Obviously the other mother is either too shy or immature to initiate a conversation with you. Someone needs to resolve the issue and it looks like the ball is in your court. Just be polite and respectful.

Beth - posted on 08/05/2011

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That lady who sent the note is a total jerk. If it was the case that she didn't want to "babysit" then she could of just called you. A note was very rude. The family that blamed the trampoline I guess isn't so bad, but you could tell them that you won't allow them to jump on the trampoline or invite the kids and mother over for brunch and playing. If they still say no then let it go. You don't need friends like that.

Lori - posted on 08/02/2011

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Thanks everyone for your help! We are members of an adoptive group, and also my daughter's very involved with gymnastics team. We try to find social and activity outlets for her so that she does not have to deal with this situation. Sadly, she is aware of it, and we assure her that none of this is her fault at all. Fortunately, the twins next door are good buddies and they do play together all the time. I do suspect as well that there is racial bias involved from the neighbors down the street. The only answer I got from the woman who sent my daughter home with a note is that she didn't want to be put in a position of having to babysit my child. So we just don't go down and play with them. Fortunately, her kids spend more time inside playing the wii. We have invited the kids down the street to come and play, but these particular parents won't even let their kids go into our yard, citing our trampoline as an excuse (yes, it does have a net and is carefully supervised).

Lori

Lynn - posted on 08/02/2011

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Hi, Lori, So sorry to hear about your situation! Those aren't the type of people you want to associate with anyway. Are you part of a local adoption group? I really think that's where you'll find connection and the rest will fall into place. Best of luck to you! ~Lynn

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