What is in the mind of people when they cut someone out of their lives over disagreement?

Jenny - posted on 04/03/2010 ( 20 moms have responded )

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It's sad to me when a good relationship between people can turn sour over basically what is a difference of opinion. When people have a good knowledge of each other's characters and their beliefs in general and think about all the good times that they have shared and why they actually like this person can turn it all around in a moment of anger and decide not to talk to them or face them again for however long? The ripple effect of making such a decision travels widely. Do they not care that we are on this earth for a short while and then it is too late to say the words that need to be said.



P.S. I am part of this communtiy because I am 44 have two boys nearly 7 and 8 and two older step children 20 and 22.



P.S.S. I am reading all replies and Thank you all for sharing thoughts and insights. It seems that there are many underlying issues within each individual which either consciously or subconsciously contribute to our behaviors and participation within our relationships and I am really trying hard to put into practise the wisdom of this quote.



"accept the things I cannot change, have courage to change the things I can and have the wisdom to know the difference"



I believe this applies to all areas in our lives, and whilst I get it, need to apply it and live it!

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Susan (Jimmie's Aunt Susie) - posted on 09/03/2012

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It's hard to be someone who believes in unconditional love and caring, when others just up and walk away from you, especially if it seems like there is misunderstanding or misconception. There really isn't anything to do though but leave them alone and let them work it out for themselves. The only person whose thoughts and actions we can change are our own. We all make mistakes. If others can't forgive or insist on misunderstanding then we have to let them be. I have one friend I miss because she chooses not to forgive me for something I said when I was upset years ago. That's her choice. Another thinks I did not give her a phone number I never even had, for someone who is now deceased. That one is the saddest to me because I miss the friend who died as well as the other person. Another friend is with her (not the deceased one) because she also thinks I had the number, when I didn't. If he had lived longer I'm sure I would have introduced them but I had not thought of it yet. I was already becoming ill due to a medical issue I was unaware of and had a lot of difficulty so that made me a little slower anyway. These situations do cause me frustration but I have had to let go and if they come back around, I will forgive them and let be. I am not mad because I do not choose to be. We are responsible for our own perceptions. It's harder than it sounds to change those perceptions but we can do it if we try. I am happy and content now, despite the physical pain and the people I miss. It is hard but try to forgive and let live. You will be happier for it. As I said, we can change ourselves, our own thoughts feelings and actions but we can't change anyone else's unless they already want to change.

Erika - posted on 04/20/2010

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I think sometimes that is all you can do to keep you in the right frame of mind. I no longer talk to my father or my brother as they have caused me so much harm through out my life and than started on my daughters. I have tried to forget and forgive bit over and onver again but sometimes you just have to know when enough is enough. Specially if your children are involved. After all you cannot change anyone but your self. As to when to the end we will have our own cross to carry. But for now I know I am not hurt anymore not are my daughters.

Denise - posted on 04/12/2010

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U know what is worse? Making up w/ a person only to be even more frustrated w/ the relationship then ever! I've learned I want people to be around me because they sincerely want to be. I'm not into hanging out w/ people who I don't really like, or don't really like me. Life is too short.

Kathy - posted on 04/09/2010

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we sometimes let the small things in life get in the way why who know one thing I know is that this last Christmas was the first christmas that I had with all my family 5 siblings and over 20 nieces and nephews great also in 10yr the party was here at my house what brought us all together was both my mom and dad getting sick 80 and 82 not good but we were all able to put the past to sleep and let both our parents see that we are all getting along and from that time we have all grown closer again we were lucky I hope yo all out there have the time to do the same with your family or friend before its to late and you wish you had Blessings

Athene - posted on 04/06/2010

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I agree with Grace. We protect ourselves by turning hurt into anger. You can't feel both of those emotions at the same time. It's impossible. You may switch between the two, but if you are angry then you don't feel the hurt. Both emotions still manage to eat away at you.
Some people don't see the bigger picture or how their behavior affects others. They can't just "agree to disagree" and move on while keeping the relationship in tact. Their self-esteem might be low. It's also an ego thing and the ego demands that they be right. All humans have it, but very few are good at putting their ego aside for the sake of the relationships in their life.
When this happens all you can do is wish the best for them and hope that one day they will see what is more important. If they don't there isn't much you can do. You still have a life. You still have a family that depends on you to live your lives in the best way possible.
I have several family members that no longer speak and as I am on the outside looking in I can see it is all hurt, ego and stubbornness that keeps the anger alive. All I can do is continue to love them all and try to live my life to the best of my ability.

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Judy - posted on 08/31/2012

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A lot of times relationships are broken up because other people get involved with them and cost problems.



I am a 50 year old mother of five children all over 18 and four grand children. I was divorced over ten years ago after about 17 years of marriage . We started of broke and after we started to make progress financially all of sudden other woman came looking for their share after all of the hard work and we finally got to a financial state an all hell broke loose we had to go our separate ways....... we no longer could get along.......

Judy - posted on 08/30/2012

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I am 66 and just divorced, got out f a bad marraige. That was enough to go through. But what is breaking my heart is my oldest son and his family wont have anything to do with me. They used to but a few years ago they started changing. Now they wont answer anything I say to them on facebook and just delete my messages. I don't even know why. I have a great grandbaby that I have never got to see. I was invited to their daughters wedding and the baby shower and I went. My daughter in law didn't hardly have two words to say to me though. I don't understand this at all. My daughter lives here in town and she and her husband are very good to me. We get along great. My other son and his wife live out of town but I get to see them sometimes. That daughter in law is very nice to me and we get along just fine. My first husband ( the kids dad) died several years ago. I don't think that me marrying agin has anything to do with it but the oldest son told me at the shower that I could do better.

Brenda - posted on 04/15/2012

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My son, who is now 31, was married in Feb. 2007. His wife's family planned the whole wedding and every time I tried to contribute, I was told it wasn't necessary. Her dad was a photographer and had a couple people help him with pictures during the wedding. There were no pictures of my family with the happy couple. There were no pictures of my little neice who was the flower girl. Things were OK for the first year and that September my son was diagnosed with Asperger's and Tourette's syndromes. That is a whole different story in itself.



My son and his wife came to the family get-togethers that first year and the last one they came to was Easter dinner in 2008. That Christmas, I asked if they were coming for dinner and it took a week to get a reply. When the answer was no, I reminded my son that he had family too and that we loved and missed him. That was the wrong thing to say I guess. He deleted me, his sister and the whole rest of the family from Facebook, blocked emails and phone numbers and no one has had any contact with him until he sent me a text message this past November saying he missed me. Last week was the first time I saw his wife and she greeted me with a hug. They live with her parents because of financial struggles because he is unable to work at this time. My family, especially my mom who is 83, wants to see him and when I ask, he simply tells me he isn't ready.



When all of this started, he had sent me horrible emails telling me how he hadn't felt safe with me since he was 5 years old and a bunch of other things. I replied asking him if we could sit down and talk about things instead of communicating through emails and that is when he blocked the family from having any contact with him. It was a horrible 2 years for me. I would move through being hurt, to angry, to putting it in God's hands and trying to be patient. It was just awful not understanding where these words he had said to me came from and wouldn't sit down and talk to me about it. We are communicating now, somewhat but I haven't addressed the topic of the emails he had sent. I don't know if I should or not. He just started on a new medication for major depression.



Now that I know what Asperger's is, all the years that I took him to doctor after doctor because he was just different from other children, only to be told that I was crazy and he was fine, he was prescribed medication for ADD his Senior year of high school and now I know it wasn't ADD at all. He also had Tourette's as a child that went undiagnosed. He blinked his eyes quite often and cleared his throat. I took him to family doctors, pediatricians, allergists, optomotrists, etc and was just told that some children have tics that they will out grow. We just learned to live with it. I don't know if it's all this stuff that he held against me, or the fact that he hasn't seen his dad since he was 8 years old (I tried to get him to be part of my son's life but he just never came around) or what happened. I'm taking things one day at a time and as much as I would like to sit him down and just get everything out in the open, I think I still need to practice that patience and take it slow.



I just wanted to share my story, in a summed up version :) and say hello. I don't understand how people who love and care for each other can cut each other out of their lives. I think things should be talked about and worked out.

Terrie - posted on 03/26/2012

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When you have family like mine, you sometimes have too. I had an aunt lie to police and tell them lies and have my child taken away when he was 5! I have never forgiven her for that. I have many family members who find fun in hurting their loved ones.

Judy - posted on 04/12/2010

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I agree with everything you have said. I am a mother of a 32, 20, 28, and 22. I am going through something right now, which has gotten somewhat better, but has filtered down to another daughter in law......It just breaks my heart that this junk is going on. I had given my whole life to my kids and now since they are married it seems to have changed.......I pray for all of them daily especially the ones that are involved in all this. Thank you for your comment and I would really like to chat sometime......Judy

Jenny - posted on 04/10/2010

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Thank you all for all your replies and insights. It seems that there are many underlying issues within each individual which either consciously or subconsciously contribute to our behaviors and participation within our relationships and I am really trying hard to put into practise the wisdom of this quote.

"accept the things I cannot change, have courage to change the things I can and have the wisdom to know the difference"

I believe this applies to all areas in our lives, and whilst I get it, need to apply it and live it!

Helen - posted on 04/10/2010

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sometime people do things that are just way too big to get over.

I haven;t spoken to my mother for about 6 years now, and yes it was/is my decision, and I still miss her.

For me, there is a lot of hurt, anger and other negative emotions, aroiund our relationship, not least of which is the lack of belief in me, and the fact that she is still with my step father, who abused me when i was a young teenager.

Since shortly before my son was born we have staqrted to communicate again, by mail - either snail or electronic, but it is taking a lot of effort on my behalf to keep this going and half the time I wonder if it is really worth it.

She has not seen her grand son, and won't, until we have a face to face discussion about everything, and she acknowledges what has happened. As I can't imagine her ever doing that I guess my son won't ever see his granny, but at least he sees his Nana.

Dawn - posted on 04/09/2010

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it is sad...after my parents seperated due to my mothers mental illness, my dad needed me for support, to talk to, to listen, i was there, my mum needed me too, but in a greater way as she is ill, i took on his role as her gaurdian, dad met someone and moved on with his life, he has disowned my family, sister, brother and all grand kids for his new life. wife and family......... i needed to take care of my mum...it hurts that we cant be a part of his life and i havent seen him in many years but i know i couldnt turn my back on mum

Cathy - posted on 04/08/2010

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I agree with you. Its just so sad that people let what usually turns out to be something trivial come between them and loved ones. They dont even realize what it does to the other people in their lives that love them both. I agree that we all should try to make the best of what little time we have have because who knows when the last word we say to someone may Really be the last. We all need to take every chance that we can to say 'I love you' because if we dont we may sadly live to regret it.

Laura - posted on 04/07/2010

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Generally, I believe that it is pride that causes people to be able to walk away, or, more accurately, NOT be able to stick it out. When we humble ourselves, we draw people to us, and pride separates us from other people. If you are part of the disagreement, you can humble yourself which can help the situation, but unfortunately, you cannot make the other person humble themselves. We've all been in arguments, and we all know that an apology or request for forgiveness often settles the dispute. However, when the argument is big, and the other person is unwilling to let go pride, there's not much more you can do but pray.

[deleted account]

There could be many reasons. I don't talk to most of my family. We may be blood relatives, but we have little else in common. I don't shun them, but I don't seek them out either.



If someone has shut you out and you really don't know why, calmly speak to them about it.

Pamela - posted on 04/06/2010

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maybe you could write a letter....pointing out a few of the times shared ....good and bad....kinda showing that you have been through a lot together....and tell her/him how much you truly care about not only them but the other people your estrangement involves....and possibly ending it with asking if you two just can agree to disagree....and that you will be waiting for an answer. and then wait, because that's about all you can do. I sure hope this gets worked out! I have a friend who is very very opinionated...as am I....and yes, we have been angry with each other....but we take a few days and think about it.....and we have always managed to just accept each other as is...and have learned and continue to learn which areas to try to stay away from.

Anita - posted on 04/03/2010

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Its been difficult for us after our relationship with my brother in law and his wife turned sour, we being older than them, have all our lives tried to helped them in their problems even saved their marriage but with things became good for them they started behaving as if they are the best and we were nobody that really hurt us not that we wanted anything from them, finally we broke away from them. the full family just jumped on us for breaking the relationship and have tried poisoning minds against us we stood firm and took the brunt but even now it upsets us that they just used us and we like let them do that to us. It hurts today cause we all loved each other and has so much fun but today money has become more important to them vs family
life is so short why do people do that now i am so scared of getting hurt that i want nothing to do with them.

Grace - posted on 04/03/2010

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sometimes the hurt can be so profound that it manafests itself in anger making it impossible to reconnect. sometimes the hurt can be connected to fear, making the need to protect ones family and self. I have disconnected with my brother and his wife because of the last one. Even though I miss them and think of them often I do not connect because I don't trust them to keep me from emotional harm

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