What would you do in this situation?

Jacque - posted on 02/15/2011

Since going through the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace Course with my hubby, we write all bills together, have paid off everything, and most of all got rid of those nasty credit cards! Honey cut them up in front of him and then sit down and have a serious financial talk. Most couples never, ever do this. They have fights, but not talks. If you don't have it, don't spend it. Learn to live within your needs, not your wants. This is not a put down, but almost everyone I talk to views their wants as their needs. My biggest need was financial security, and peace in my marriage. I'm not a guru, but I have been there, and my hubby is no ogre either. It was just that credit cards are like monopoly money. They don't mean much and you don't see them add up until the bills come, then holy heck what have we done! I hope you find this helpful.

Ginamarie - posted on 02/11/2011

Susan,
The more I read about your story the more infuriated I got- because that was me 11 years ago. I had a husband who controlled almost everything i did and tried to isolate from friends and family. If i took in kids to watch( I had two of my own) he'd demand that I put the money in the account and we'd review what I spent it on. I tried to open up my own checking account once- so I could have ( and Watch over) my own spending money- I reasoned that if I made my spending money I would not dip into our joint account he demanded that I close it-- or he would do it for me! I was being emotionally and psychologically abused-- he left no bruises-- but sometimes I wish he had-- because it would be over with...and people would understand how unhappy I was and how toxic our house had become. Please get help- by talking to friends or women's centers in your neighborhood
you are in my prayers!

Arminda - posted on 02/11/2011

talk to him and explain the need to pay the credit card..

Ginamarie - posted on 02/10/2011

get the money out - get a cashier's check- and pay the bills- call you credit company and be honest-- tell them what you've told us. Also get a print out ( from the bank ) of statements for the past several ( 6?) months
if yo have a job- open your own account at another bank -- and put just enough in your joint account to cover the mortgage, insurance and groceries... the rest you pay from YOUR account. the important question is WHY won't let (let?!) you take from the accout to pay those bills? what is he hiding...???
I think YOU should take over the finances for awhile... if that still doesn't work- talk to a lawyer. Good luck

MarLa - posted on 02/03/2011

Me, personally, I will identify whether or not he still holds a job; where is the monies going; uncover reasons he choose against telling you; study your marriage--is this a new beginning or signs of an ending.

Elise - posted on 01/24/2011

I am really taken aback by some of the comments here. A woman who stays at home to take care of children and the household WORKS. As a matter of fact, the dollar value of her contribution to the family probably far exceeds the income that her husband brings in. So this "if it is your card and you don't work, then you need to get out and get a job" stuff is bunk. This lady is in a mentally and emotionally abusive situation that shows danger signs that it may turn physically abusive as well. She needs to beware, and seek help to deal with the issues at hand. As a Christian, I am not easily led to recommend the splitting of a family. However, I have long thought that Jesus intentions in citing "marital unfaithfulness" as a justification for divorce included more than sexual unfaithfulness. Find yourself a marriage crisis center, dear---preferably a Christian one, and get yourself some help from someone who will be able to examine your situation first hand. Praying for you.

Pam - posted on 05/07/2010

Its your and his money but without knowing your husband i hate to advice you.If it was me I'd pay it out of checking.its your money too.Also i suggest that you talk to him about it.And it also depends on what the cards are being used for.Is so easy to buy things you can't afford with credit cards.But again only you kinow how your husband will react.He won't let you sounds like maybe you are afrqid of him or there is abuse, if so you should get help and get out.Me and my husband have three accounts his,mine and ours.Our is used for bills etc. and we have seperate ones with our own money so there is never any arguments over money.If one of us runs over we borrow from the other one works out good

Adrianne - posted on 05/07/2010

Marriage is meant to be a partnership- you should be able to talk to each other about issues like this. Ask why he hasn't paid YOUR credit card, especially as he appears to like having control over all the bill paying. Also ask why he wont let you use your check book to pay the card back. I have found that what works best for my hubby & I is maintaining a sep bank acount each for personal spending, 1 joint account for household/major expenses & a joint credit card that we can both charge to.... Perhaps you should insitute regular sit-downs where you can discuss financial issues & bill paying!

Maureen - posted on 05/06/2010

Who has been using your credit card, you or your husband? If it is just yours, then it is your responsibility. If it is joint, then the payment should be as well. What is up with only one person knowing the financial situation? I would suggest 3 separate bank accounts, one that is just yours, one that is just his, and one that is joint. Pay the bills the same way.

Karen - posted on 05/01/2010

I don't condone sneaking around but this is a case where there are things that you can do that are legal to make money that you can have in a separate account. I think, though, that this is an abusive marriage that you need out of. I would suggest that you get somewhere safe, contact the bank to withdraw the funds directly to your credit card, and then return if, and only if, he agrees to solve the issues to your satisfaction. And then, you have a separate account for your needs, one for the house, and one for him. I think he has a misconception of your job. It's not a free service that is provided - the cost to duplicate your services is astronomical and he's getting a bargain. But, I would not confront him, I would just not be there with the kids when he gets home and he only can reach you through your attorney. This is a slippery slope that will only get worse and will impact the future generations since they learn how to treat each other from watching you. And, there are jobs you can do that will not take away from your kids/house/etc. It can be done, I do it. Now, I also give and demand respect from my husband and he is very supportive in my business as well. He knows that he would not get away with disrespectful behavior and in return I treat him with respect.

Kelly - posted on 04/29/2010

Did you say, our check book? Seriously, he needs to give an accounting of the household funds. Or, is this happening because you have a shopping problem? Either way, you two need to talk and if he won't then your problems aren't financial. Good luck.

Anna-Marie - posted on 04/29/2010

Get your self a job and pay your own bill's, be indenpendant from him, they do not like it, some men want still be the boss, and boss around.
Or better give him next time a dry loaf of bread, and water, and if he ask you we is the food, "sorry no money in my credit card" maybe this will work, lol

Cynthia Lewis - posted on 04/29/2010

First, find out what he is doing with the credit cards. Second, open your own checking account without his knowledge. Go to a different bank. Third, find a job, if you don't work. Fourth, get your paycheck to go into your account direct deposit. Fifth, do NOT tip your hand and let him know what you find out. If he is abusive and controlling, he will continue to do this. Take it from someone who has been there done that. Get help from trusted family,friends, or your preacher. I think you need to take control of your own life. Good luck and I will pray for you. You can DO this. The hardest part is admitting you have a mistake. It will get better, you deserve a life of your own without a man to dictate to you!

Judith - posted on 04/29/2010

Get a grip of life. Why rely on him to pay the bill atleast be involved with your home accounts. What if he doesn't pay the rent do you want to be without a home. Get involved!!!!!!!!

Kathy - posted on 04/28/2010

Get separate accounts.

Kathy - posted on 04/28/2010

Sue see an attorney. I am a stay-at-home mom of a child with a speech disabilty. My hubands works to support us both emotionally and finacally. My job is the house and the kids - but in no way is it to cater to his needs which often come last. He does the laundry and the dishes as I have problems carrying things up and down stairs and the washing machine is in the basement. I like to be able to provide my husband with and warm meal and a clean home. Most days he is lucky to get nuked leftovers as he works second sift. But I am not his slave nor his whore. I am loved and cherished and we both work at this relationship. We sit down together at least twice a month and go over the bills. We put everything on a calendar and write down what is due and how much. We usually pay all the bills within one or two days after his paycheck hits the bank. We both lost our jobs 8 years ago right when we got married. So we have several outstanding credit card debts. However working together we got 6 of our 8 cards paid off. We have one with a larger balance and higher interest rate that we have had for 8 years. It will be paid off by Christmas. The las card is our emergancy card. If has a low interest rate and if we need to we use it (like when I blew out the tire on a pothole). We never carry a balance on that card and we always pay at least half the balance so our $136 emergancy is paid off in no more that 2 months. But it sounds like your husband is holding you hostage both emotionally and finacially, you deserve better. Get a lawyer.

Kathy - posted on 04/28/2010

What do you mean,"We have money in our check book but he won't let me use it to pay my credit card." Do you both work? Unless you have been going crazy with the credit card, why wasn't he paying it?
My husband got screwed over by an ex before we were married. We have seperate checking accounts but both our names are on both accounts. I maintain several several small savings accounts that I shuttle money to each month. One is for long term savings, one serves as overdraft protection for both our accounts and the other is for my spending alone. We split bills equally and since we decide it was best for me to stop working as it was costing us more than what I was making. Since he is the only one working he deposits a set amount of money in my checking and I use it for everyday expenses, the insurance and a couple of bills. Sometimes things come up and I just ask him to transfer over the money or I do it after I let him know I'm doing it.

But if what you charge on the card is necessary household expenses, he should pay it. It another thing if he took the credit card money and spent it on other things like drugs. In which case I would advise you to see a good attorney and start planning on bankrupcy and divorce. I know someone that had her husband blow all the money on his hidden drug problem and she has kicked him out and is getting on with her life.

Erica - posted on 04/28/2010

OMG! I am so sorry. You need some answers and to get you and your children out of that situation. Wish you all the luck.

Virginia - posted on 04/28/2010

Whose name is the credit card in? If it is in your name this will ruin your credit rating. I don't know why he is doing this - did you go crazy with the card? Is he usually this controlling? Is the checking account in both names? If so and you cannot access the checkbook, you could go to the bank and get a cashier's or bank check made payable to the credit card company and send it in. Be aware that if you do that, though, your husband sounds like the kind of guy who will only let you get away with that once. He could then transfer the money into an account you can't reach. The next step would probably be divorce court. Maybe you can reach him with the credit rating argument, especially if the card is in his name.

Robyn - posted on 04/28/2010

You shouldn't have to ask for the money that is rightfully the families. I don't understand how you can accept, "he won't let me use the checkbook to pay the bills". Let me being the opperative word. I assume you are an equal in the home. If not, you have way bigger issues than him not paying your bills.

Sandy - posted on 04/27/2010

You have got us"circle of Mom's "friends

Theresa - posted on 04/27/2010

AMEN

Sandy - posted on 04/27/2010

Divorce. He cannot be trusted,what else is he doing that you don't know about. Women need their own careers/money/credit history,OMG,it is the yr 2010 ladies!!!

Theresa - posted on 04/27/2010

I'm so sorry !! you know this is a control issue, He wont't let you you see how that sounds.This is a form of abuse,he is controling you he does not see you as his equal.You have to stand strong to be strong take your independence back.I know it is hard when you have the children and no job but take some steps to do it.When you take a stand i'm sure things will get worse but you must fight to have control of your life or you will forever be in his control,what kind of life is that.If you don't LOVE yourself how can you give love to your children you don't want them to grow up thinking that when you get married the man has control the wife is not an equal.You need to talk to a counselor they have them all over for free.You didn't say if you want to stay in the marriage or just want to be treated as a equal i'm sure you have more to tell we are listening hope one of us can offer advice the will help good luck PRAYING FOR YOU

Sharon - posted on 04/26/2010

This sounds very sad. I have been through an abusive marriage where I felt I was "a mother that my husband could have sex with". Thankfully we had no children so getting out was easy - I did try for many years to reconcile before leaving though.
I think the problem is much deeper than money or work or whatever. You have been through a lot and it seems doubly cruel of him to treat you this way after all that. At the same time I don't believe in throwing marriages away because things don't work out right. Have a try at getting to the root of the problem first. Some one mentioned depression earlier and the symptoms certainly seem to support that. It's very difficult to get men to doctors but if you can (or maybe one of his friends can?) get him to see someone that is a start. I believe you do need outside support whatever choice you make. Is there any way you can get involved in a church or coimmunity group? I am involved in both a sporting group and a church. The church gives much better and more thorough support because they have a mandate to help each other - the sporting group does not have the same feeling of responsibility toward each other. Church friends also make a bigger effort to help you get to the real cause of the problem rather than just offering band-aid solutions. Some church groups can be manipulative, however, so you do have to be careful. If they start asking for money (I mean directly, not through a sermon or something) be suspicious! If you want to get started on your own try reading these books: 'His Needs Her Needs' and 'Love Busters' by Willard Harley Junior. These books have proved an invaluable resource to my husband (no. 2!) and I.

Sue - posted on 04/25/2010

Thanks everyone for all the replys and advice! I want to work!!!!! My husband won't let me - he fights me on it on every turn he state my job is to stay home take care of the kids, the house, the laundry, cleaning and his needs. I have not worked for over 5 years and our checking account is joint - it orginally was mine till we married and added him when we married 5 years ago. Since the birth of my son a lot has changed and I have a lot of things to thinks to think about. There is more than money issues going on here this is just the tip of the ice berg.We are 2 strangers living in a house we no longer talk or communicate. it's very lonely and all I do is take care of the kids and no outside friends or communication only with this site of circle of moms. I have no family for support or friends. My husband made shure that ended.

Theresa - posted on 04/25/2010

HELLOOOOO Martha you said it love your reply she has to stand strong,take responsible for herself if you dont't who will

Tracy - posted on 04/25/2010

WOW... I would go to the bank and get a Money order Screw that..

Dee - posted on 04/25/2010

i wish my husband would even try to tell me i couldn't have the money from checking to pay a bill!! i do work outside of the home but if i didnt,my job in the home is worth something ..and making sure the bills are paid is most definately a must!

Julie - posted on 04/24/2010

sad to say,but not even in marriage can you let your spouse to control money issues.it;s a 50/50 in knowing how money is managed.someone is always the spaender and the other the saver.your credit has to be paid.also there are free financial classes.i know the ywca has it free.and there are others thru some churches.

Brenda - posted on 04/24/2010

Wow, I kinda glad to be a widow in this situation. Without knowing more history, I will say that in my marriage, we had many problems, but one thing that we were on the same page with, money! We put all monies "in the pot" . It seems that you all aren't on equal footing in your relationship. Even if you aren't working, you are still an equal, a contributing member of the the family, and shouldn't be put on "punishment" this way. Again we don't know the history between you all, sound that there is more to the story, but reguardless, let no one have that much control over you! Pay your own bills, with HIS money!! lol !!!

Kaye - posted on 04/24/2010

Well you said YOUR credit cards have not been paid. Ask him why. You said that there is money but he will not let you pay your credit cards. It is not that he will not let you use the money just not to pay your bills. Talk to him, ask him why and go from there.

Martha - posted on 04/24/2010

First a question. How much do you charge in a month? If you are a shopacholic then he may be tired of your over spending. Do you work? If so then pay your own credit card bill. You created it you pay for it. You say you have money in a joint checking account but he won't let you use it to pay your f he won't let you have access then start your own checking account. This is the year 2010 not 1950. You earn the money you should have access without restrictions, other than paying off monthly debts. If you do not work and he is the bread winner in the family then you don't have much of leg to stand on. Your creating bills that you expect him to foot the bill for isnt' very fair or loving. So in this case get a job and pay your own bills.

Denise - posted on 04/23/2010

Cindy I am like you, I have many health issues and I am now on SSD. My husband never did the bills and I was the irresponsible one. While I was sick and continue to be at some level, he did the bills and housekeeping. (house is not clean but its to his clean level) he paid bills before food even. We had a dark age marriage too until I told him I was not gonna put up with it. He changed, we got counceling, turns out he is depressed and now that it is under control he is different man. His depression stemmed from many different reasons but mostly when I was sick he felt weak because he had no control over helping me get better, and still doesnt. If you think this is a major personality flaw and you cant take it anymore, then you need to plan an escape, save money (just sneak some here and there) and go. He will have to pay child support and everything. But if you want a job..get one...he CAN NOT control that. This is still America and still the 2000's in time. Do not take this abuse. I hope this made sense lol

Denise - posted on 04/23/2010

why would he not let you have access to "joint" checking account? sounds like someone is having issues either with your spending habits or your having money issues that he is not telling you about. Sounds kinda passive/aggressive. That is just an opinion.

Lorelei - posted on 04/23/2010

That sounded like my marriage many years ago and been divorced from him since 2001. There are two things that are not part of the marriage that he is not giving that are: Respect and trust. If you do not have your name in his checking account, if he does not let you both partner up together on working on the check books together to see where you're at in the money and together to choose which bills needs to be paid then that is not a marriage. Because marriage is a two way street. You stay home to take care the kids and you're taking care the household chores, the bills, the kids, shopping, meals, all that is your job as a wife/mother to should do, He goes to work, brings home the paycheck. Both of you have jobs to do and both of you should compromise on the budget and work on the check books together. If he is not willing to do that then sounds to me its going to be a serious problem with him. The reason for that is what if something happens to him and he's not around anymore, all of the sudden there is no money left for you and the kids, no money to pay the bills or the mortgage or the car. Because he was under control with all that and not letting you worry about any of the bills he late on. He feels he has to be in control, has to make sure everyone is taken care of, has to be the man in charge. Well this is the 21st century, it doesn't work that way anymore. if he's not willing to compromise the budget, then you'll have to get a job and open your own account and start taking care of YOU. You have to have a back up plan incase this marriage fails to be workable and compromiseable. I hate to give you the bad news but my marriage was like that and I've been repoed, evicted, bills were late, he was cheapskate, never let have a dime to take care my kids. So just have a plan and see where it goes. Talk to your husband calmly and rationally.

Nancy - posted on 04/23/2010

My husband has passed away, God rest his soul. He did the same exact thing to me. He has left me over $30,000.00 in debt. He would take checks from middle of check book without my knowledge, use ATM machine without my knowledge, the list goes on and on and on However, he did have a drug and gambling problem. I could trust him as far as I could throw him. Very very sad. My heart goes out to you, Sue. Once you lose that oh so important trust in someone, I don't know if you can ever get it back. unfortunately, I never got the chance to see if I could or if in fact it was even worth it.

Patti - posted on 04/22/2010

Did I read that correctly, you said, "he won't let me use it to pay my credit card". Do you have the card in YOUR NAME? That's your credit if you do, it wouldn't be a matter of "he won't", instead, it would be I AM TAKING THE MONEY OUT OF THE CHECKING ACCOUNT, to pay the credit cards. Sounds like he is not taking care of the bills if all the cards are maxed out. Why don't you take over the bill paying.....

Catherine - posted on 04/22/2010

Do you have a job other than Mother to his children? If your credit card is for the benefit of the family, then I guess you won't be doing that. So sorry honey, can't get clothes, groceries, etc. whatever your card was for. Definitely need to have a talk - maybe he needs to give you an allowance but not just cut you off? weird????

Nadine - posted on 04/22/2010

Time to take control. Withdraw the money if you have to and pay directly to the Credit card company...with a money order if you have to ...its worth the extra $2 to get it from the Post Office or credit union.

Rita - posted on 04/22/2010

I would take control of all the above,if he is not paying what he is suppose to be paying,What else is he Hiding from you

Theresa - posted on 04/22/2010

Hi Sue,You said your husband has not payed (YOUR) credit card it is yours so that makes your responsible for it,do you work if not you should not be charging things you can't afford a credit card is not a blank check.What did you max it out on.My husband and myself are both retired we share household expenses and each take care of our own personal expenses such as credit cards.Why would you keep charging if he was not paying,you do see the bills don't you or check the balance which can be done by phone take responsibility for your charging times are hard one person can't do it alone.Maybe you should get your own account and pay it yourself,marrige is a partnership everything is not suppose to fall on one shoulder,and you said for months what were you doing just charging and not checking.Maybe he is tried of you charging everything if you can't afford to pay cash don't buy it do without.All you are doing is digging a hole he can't get out of.And you said you have money in checking account but he won't LET you use it to pay your card something else is going on that you are not saying,there is more to this than what you write

Gretchen - posted on 04/22/2010

Is your name on the card or is it a joint account?

Do you live in a community property state where you are both
accountable for debt within your marriage?

Simply call and cancel the card

Get balance due and leave it for DH to deal with if he's the one that pays the bills

Make it so no one can use it to add to the debit due on it
and everyone will be impacted by poor credit
until it gets paid off

Do you have a debit card or checkbook you have access to?

Withdraw a set amount each week and use cash only

Carry a pen and paper with you for a week and see where you send wisely
and were you could better use money

Using credit only in an emergency and working with cash saves stress and grief

As a forner childhood cancer family (Our 7 yr old daughter survived) we didn't use plastic until she was sick

During her illness we maxed several cards simply trying to avoid loosing our home and getting our bills paid each month when we were both needed at the hospital and no one was able to work

Creditors were willing to work with us to clean up our mess on the condition we closed the accounts and we are faithful in making our agreed upon payments each month

Good Luck

Michelle - posted on 04/22/2010

I know I'm reiterating what others have said, but do not tolerate this treatment from him. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership - no keeping tally of who holds down the fort while the other has health problems! That is ridiculous for him to say it's "his turn!"

You need to do some real soul searching and figure out what you want to do in terms of your marriage. It is complicated when kids are involved, but sometimes having Mom and Dad together is not in their best interests. This may not be the case for you, but at any rate, determine what you want for you and your kids, be honest with your husband if you can be without him becoming abusive, and plan your course of action. If you decide to leave...go see an attorney and find out what your options are.

As for the credit card bill...pay it then call them and let them know your dilemma. You do not want your credit score to be ruined b/c of this situation. Be strong and do what is best in the long run for you and your children!

Karen - posted on 04/22/2010

you obviously need to discuss this with him urgently - there is something seriously wrong somewhere! personally i wouldn't trust any man - even a husband to be in complete control of bill paying etc. i would check everything - accounts, bills, savings, and reciepts, god knows what else he had been up to. sorry to write about doom and gloom - but most of the time its the woman that gets shit on from a big height like this. youve got the children to think of - because he isnt.

Debbie - posted on 04/21/2010

I'm confused, he won't let you? You're a grown woman and it's community property. Is his name on these cards? Your debt is his debt, he needs to put on his big boy panties, suck it up and pay them. Does he spend this money on other things like say........himself?

Diane - posted on 04/21/2010

I know that you said thatyou have money in you check book but, maybe he is having fnancial difficulty. Pray first, talk to him about your concerns, and observe his behavior during your conversation. If you work than I suggest that you pay on your credit card. If not, than you are going to need to work to pay that card down and hopefully off. God Bless you and your family

Lynn - posted on 04/21/2010

ohhhhhhhh this is a tricky one sue it depends on if u hav been over spending and if u bring money into the house from working yourself i know its hard when u hav kids to work too i never had credit cards untill my kids were much older then went back to work my partner at that time had a good paid job working nights so he was paying the majority of the morgage and bills etc i paid wot i could on my minimum wage job but i still had money of my own so then got my own credit card which i was responsible for paying i would never rely on anyone else paying my credit card for me no mater wot but in your situation hav u tried sitting down with hubby and asking him wots going on?

Elizabeth - posted on 04/21/2010

poor her no doubt she will be on the credit bureau and that for 5 years poor girl

Elizabeth - posted on 04/21/2010

its true if he was keeping that from her what else might he be hiding