Which comes first, your spouse or your children?

Michelle - posted on 01/28/2010

You're going to have to tell her that you need time with Daddy too. You will have to start sticking up for Daddy and hopefully things will work out for the three of you. It wont be easy honey. I will say a prayer for you guys that maybe you can work this out. Good luck, and please feel free to chat anytime.

Kerry - posted on 01/26/2010

This will be harder for you than your daughter. You have to sit down and say Wednesday's are your special day with your sitter and Daddy and I will go out so you can have alone time with your sitter. Maintain once a week and after awhile it should be easier. If you have a friend who has a little girl the same age you should talk about sleep overs and swap kids for a night once a week then you have an entire day to work on your marriage with your husband and build a strong relationship. If you want this marriage you must work on it just as much as you do raising you child. You do not have to choose one over the other just put them together and deligate times. Hope this helps

Karol - posted on 01/26/2010

Wow! I always thought it was my husband I made vows to, not the kids. Yes, kids take a lot of time, especially in the early years; however, as you are seeing, a child-focused parent is making the child into a very spoiled one. Please try to re-establish your husband as #1. Make sure to do at least one thing every week with just your husband. It will be good for everyone.

Lori - posted on 01/25/2010

I think if your daughter feels like she is in control, she will continue to do it. My oldest daughter still tries to manipulate my time, but I don't allow it . . . anymore.

Michelle - posted on 01/23/2010

The order of any family unit, should be, God first, the marriage and then the children. You and your husband need to have a united front. It should be natural for your daughter to see her parents have mommy and daddy time. You and your husband are teaching her how to socialize, by watching the two of you interact with one another. Children learn at a very young age how to manipulate their parents, as you can already see. Its not too late, to turn your situation around. Good luck......A mother thats been there.

Tammy - posted on 01/23/2010

Thats rough considering this has been a lifestyle for so long, i would say that your DD needs to understand that mommy and daddy need time alone and time without her. Maybe you and the hubby go out on a "Date" and tell your DD that the next day you can take her somewhere for some time. Maybe if needed get your DD in some counseling. I am personally very FOR counseling for myself and all of my children, It does wonders.

Susan - posted on 01/23/2010

I believe first that you should apologize to your husband, ask for patience in getting your family back to where it should be! This won't happen over night, but you've got to start working on how your family should be. If you believe the Biblical example, your husband is the head of the house - let him be that. You are to "rule" the house, making sure things go well...hard job. Your daughter needs to see this relationshiop for her to grow up and have a good marriage. As soon as our children were old enough to leave for a night my husband started taking weekend get-aways a couple of times a year. We have two grown children and 2 grandchildren...it didn't warp them for us to leave them:) If your daughter is strong willed and like to be in control it'll be a battle of the wills for a while. YOU are the adult, YOU are the parent!! Sit her down and explain the new rules and make sure she abides by them. We all make mistakes as parents, but it's never too late to change. Hang in there and good luck.

Anne - posted on 01/23/2010

After taking care of your children make quality time each day for you and your spouse. Or pick a night out and get someone to watch them.

Arleta (Artie) - posted on 01/22/2010

I am 50 years old, have 3 adult children and 6 grandkids. We have been married for 27 years. I have ALWAYS put my spouse first. Sure...your children depend on you...you raise them, provide for them, nurture them, guide them...you are instructing them to become adults later in life. However, it is your spouse that you share that lifelong intimate relationship with. Also, when your children see that mommy and daddy love each other and put each other first, they have the tendency to carry this with them when they start their own families.

Kathy - posted on 01/22/2010

My husband left me and one of his biggest grips is that I would not make him number one in my life, told him he could gladly share number one spot with my two girls from former marriage, but would never put a man before my kids, my heart is big enough to love them all.

Sharon - posted on 01/22/2010

A newborn will obviously take up most of your time, but by six months, you should both be in a routine and Dad should be as involved with baby as your are. Nothing gives a child more security and solid foundation, as two parents who are involved (with the child) as well as in love with each other, When children see their parents hugging and sharing, they learn by this example, and find solid security. Take time out to spend alone with your hubby and remember you have to spend the rest of your life with him, the kids grow up and leave you two alone one day, and if you're strangers by then, well that's another problem of it's own.

Brenda - posted on 01/22/2010

I am 51 with 3 grown children but this how I did it. Hubby always came first. Some book I read years ago advised that. I tried it and guess what? I have a very happy marriage very well adjusted children who know appropriate limits. The children never went without. Their needs were met. Hubby always parented his children as did I. We never did the "just wait till dad gets home" We both loved, disciplined, cared for the kids. I guess you could say we taught by example. I always meet him at the door with a kiss, stand in the doorway and wave good-by. At 8:00 kids were in bed. Not necessarily asleep but in their rooms and settling down for the night. Mom & Dad needed time together. The kids never knew any different because it started out that way and stayed that way. They respect our time together and now that they are in their own relationships with there own kids they appreciate the environment that they grew up in. They are teaching their children the same thing. Maybe I should say hubby didn't come first we as a couple came first and kids were a nice bonus. Anyway, it worked for us. Hope this helps.

Anita - posted on 01/22/2010

Children need to be the first priority, but you had a relationship with your husband before the children. If you want to have that relationship continue during and after the children, then there are things you must do. My husband and I have been together for 29 years and have two daughters, 15 months apart in age. When it seemed like we had become two ships that passed in the night, we made a pact to go out together at least once a month (sometimes it was once every six weeks) The first 1/2 hour was the only time we could discuss the children, the rest of the time was just for us. Granted we were financially strapped during that time so sometimes it was out for coffee or taking a long walk. As they got older, we actually took 24 hour road trips. Those long trips were usually only once or twice a year, but we planned for them. This time alone, will help you grow together. If you wait until the empty nest hits, you won't even know each other. My oldest daughter has two children of her own now and we have passed that advice on. I even watch my grandchildren so they can spend time alone and not lose their relationship to child rearing.

Susan - posted on 01/22/2010

Well, I'm on my 2nd marriage. My children are from my first marriage. When we got married my kids were 10 and 14, we've been married 11 years. I will be honest that I've told my husband (when we were having "discussions") more than once that my kids are number one and he is number 2. He knew I had kids when we married.

I have always thought of my children as #1 until now. They are both grown and on their own so my husband and I spend time together (for the first time in our marriage).

Deborah - posted on 01/22/2010

When our son was a baby & young toddler (he is now 4 years old), my hubby said i cared more about our son than I did him. He said he felt like he was just living with us & not apart of the family. I explained that (at the time) our son couldn't take care of himself...couldn't change his clothes, get his own food etc, and that my hubby was an adult and could do things for himself. And as our son got older and could be more independent....that things would change. At the time our boy was pretty much consuming all my time.

And sure enough, as he got older..he demaned less and less of my constant attention. My hubby also would always take (and still does) our son with him whenever he needed to go somewhere....errands, shopping, to the bank and even 5 minute trips to 7/11. And has special Father & Son fun activites He includes him in his woodworking (granted our son isn't actually helping Daddy woodwork but he thinks he is and that's what is inmportant). The hubby would take care of him when I needed time away. So now he is a Daddy's Boy and no longer a Mama's Boy...excpet when he's sick or hurt.

You all have to work together as a family. Good Luck.

Becky - posted on 01/21/2010

Your husband should come first. If the child comes first, she IS in control of your life and your relationships. You and your husband need to be in charge together. Your daughter will be more secure and happier when she knows you and daddy are in charge and are working together to do what is best for her. If she comes first, she will feel insecure and expect whatever she wants, and will also use you and her daddy to get whatever she wants, going to the one who give it to her when the other won't. And she will expect the same from her future husband, to give her whatever she wants. It will also divide you and your husband and hurt your relationship with each other. When your husband is first, you can make decisions regarding your daughter together and share the responsibility of bringing her up together, united, and your relationship and marriage will be stronger and more satisfying.

Mistydawn - posted on 01/21/2010

Our second child fixed that problem but we had the same problem for 4.5 years. My husband has worked two jobs much of the time or traveled and was gone so much it was just my child and I most of the time. That created a bond with mom and child that was almost unbreakable until the Dad stopped the second job for awhile and the second one was born. Now mom had to be shared and now she had Daddy. I will always feel like our marriage was strained by having children as he still wanted me all to himself and the is just not possible. It has gotten better but I feel like husbands are selfish by nature and don't mature as fast as we do since we have the children and we are their life support for several years if that it the type of mom you want to be. Dad's can step in and help share the responsibility but I don't know very many that do a good job at full-time childcare. My hubby is a great guy but it's just not his thang! My first was of a sensitive nature and has outgrown most of her insecurities nicely but hubby doesn't get home til 10:30 pm. In order for us to spend time together , he either goes in late to work or we meet for lunch while they are at school. You have to give your marriage priority or someone else will! Men need attention and human touch!! We all need to feel loved, needed and important! Make some changes slowly and your little girl will adapt easier! Best of luck!

Tammy - posted on 01/21/2010

well i think at first they need to be priority and dont worry hun you arent the only one in the world who has been there i to have done the same thing and my daughter is 6 but buy about three i started getting her into the rutine that she wasnt number one but she wasnt at the end of the list either now she is fine and daddy and i have our time and mommy and felicia have our time and we have time as a family and it all seems to be turning out great but in personal opinion and i might be wrong my daughter is number one and my husband and i are number two she didnt ask to be born we choose to bring her into this life so until she spreads her wings and flies .......well you know lol

Gena - posted on 01/21/2010

You are your childs first and best teacher. Is this the type of relationship you want her to have with her husband and child? If not you and your husband need to reconnect and show her what a healthy relationship is like. You married 'for better or worse' not 'for better or kids'. She will rebell, but if you and your husband are a united force she will learn that she can't play you against each other and she will be a much happier kid with two parents she can count on instead of just one.

Caroline - posted on 01/21/2010

How old is your daughter?

Jenny - posted on 01/20/2010

It's good that you see this out of order relationship, now when you can change it. I didn't have just one child, we have 4 daughters and found that my husband and I needed to just "get away" on a date night at least every other week or so. I was fortunate to have several wonderful babysitters to help in this and occassionally G-ma stepped in. We've been married now over 35 yrs. and now have a couple of grand daughters. I would suggest that you invest in a good babysitter once a week and go out to dinner with the man that you wanted to spend the rest of your life. It's not too late to apologize to him for this imbalance and also not too late for your little princess to adapt to being without you. My first thougth was having another child or two, which would be the best for your daughter to learn to have siblings and that she isn't the center of the universe, but this is such a personal choice and this isn't alway possible. Children are so adaptable, she will be fine. At first she'll pitch a fit, but she'll soon learn her place in the family is after her father. Men need respect and if you give him the respect due to him, he will in turn give you the love that you think you can only get from your little girl. I'll be praying for you. Jenny

GAYLE - posted on 01/19/2010

By the look of things this little girl is running the show at your house and it also looks like your husband is missing out on a family. You really need to stand back and think about where you have gone wrong. I think you have smothered your daughter with love and therefore she thinks she has the last say, and you are letting her. Don't you think it is about time that you stopped letting her rule your life and lay down some ground rules. She is only a child yet you are letting her come between you and your husband and it will eventually split you up. If your husband is feeling left out he is more likely than not going to find comfort elsewhere. If I were you I would have a family meeting and lay down a few rules along the lines of 'you and your husband are going to arrange for a sitter to look after her and you will be going out for a night' or 'you will make a night for both of you to be alone, without your daughter.' She may not like it but she will have to learn that your family is not only you and her but that your husband is a part of it. Let him put her to bed instead of you doing it. Why don't you go out with some friends and leave your husband with her. So that they can start to bond. It doesn't make you bad just because you need a bit of a life apart from your girl. She knows that you love her but she is now old enough to understand that she can't have you to herself. You do have a choice...you can either carry on letting this little girl ruling your life and then you will start to resent her or you can start to change things and enjoy a more settled and happy family. Your daughter is old enough to have this change in her life and she may create a lot until she realises that if she kicks off she will have her privileges taken away from her. You will have to be strong and I am sure your husband will back you up on this. Does your daughter know discipline and if not she must start doing so otherwise your life will be hell in the future. Everybody needs to have a bit of 'ME' time and you deserve it for being such a loving mother. I also thin k your husband needs to have more of a say in what goes on as well. Is he a man or a mouse. Sorry that I may seem to have been a bit forward but I am a great believer in a child respecting their parents and both parents should have a say in how a child is brought up. Ask your husband how he feels about changing things as it will affect him as much as your daughter and you. Kids are priority but sometimes you can let them get away with too much and then everything goes wrong, as in your case, then we wonder how to get out of it. Hope I haven't offended you with my advice and hope everything turns out ok for you and this little lady learns to respect both her parents. Have you never heard of tough love or you have to be cruel to be kind. I think this is what is needed in your case. Good Luck and God bless.