Why are other moms so quick to judge other moms?

Mom - posted on 09/19/2010 ( 33 moms have responded )

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I have to say, a lot of responses I get from this site are very helpful and kind. I do notice some replies to be "Holier than thou comments" Am I the only one who gets this when they reach out to other moms for help. If not, then why do these moms feel it neccessary to downgrade others?

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Michele - posted on 09/23/2010

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Although it is not pleasant to receive harsh or rude comments I offer these thoughts...most moms are probably going to do something that is not in the best interest of their little ones. I try very hard but motherhood has no directions so I mess up from time to time.. I do expect to be called on it when I do! Society has for generations kept itself in check by doing just what you posted about, speak harshly about others when they are doing something inappropriate, morally offensive or stupid. Sometimes rude comments are without cause but I think many times, it's right on the mark. If we all simply say that 'it' is alright or give poor behavior a free pass, I think we do ourselves as a society no favor. So sometimes despite not liking the comments, we may benefit from them. So I fear that I may possibly be the kind of mom you post about. For example, if a mom posts something about being upset for smoking a recreational drug while nursing, I'm not going to be very forgiving or sympathetic. I'm going to call it for what it is, but for the reason I suggested, maybe this is not a bad thing. Also, another reason for harsh comments, motherhood requires passion--The passion is good as it keeps us motivated to do our very best. It does, however, have a tendency to make us protective of other children. I'm rambling now so I'll end here. Thanks for the post.

Susan - posted on 09/29/2010

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Amen I love the way you stated that!
-- I also would like to add that we need to watch our tongues and the way we say things! ... We as Christians are to set the example for the the "world"

Truth - posted on 09/29/2010

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I'm also with the mom who calls out bad behavior when she sees it. I, too, will do that and am trying, with God, to do that in the most loving and helpful way that I can.



I believe that our kids, for at least a generation, if not longer, have been done a dis-service by the public school system, and yes, sadly by parents that have put their own self interests ahead of their kids.



Many children have been left to "raise themselves", even by "good families". I have been told time and time again from parents that "kids will be kids" and "kids will work it out among themselves". I have heard that from the time my kids were very small to even how when they are teenagers.It has always bothered me and now I know why.........



How are our kids supposed to "know how to take care of it amongst themselves" unless we TEACH THEM FIRST???????



I am sorry to get on a bit of a soap box here, but I feel that this is a core ethical/moral problem with our society and the world at large today......



Many parents have forgotten what it means to be a parent. Many kids are becoming parents before they have any understanding of what it means to BE a parent. Abortion has made kids a "disposable" commodity - if you don't want it, throw it away. Society at large does NOT value children as it once did.



What was once a small, "frowned upon", yes, even ostracized part of our society, now is lauded and exalted as "normal".



Where has it gotten us?



A generation (maybe 2) of self absorbed "parents" that put their needs ahead of those of their children (which breeds the next generation of narcissists), a large proportion of our society that is dependent on someone else for their health, education and income (which leads to even more dependence), a society where commodities are disposable, including things that were once held dear (anyone see the u-tube videos of kids exploding computers, a boy smashing an I Pad - because he could...... or hear the stories of teen girls and babies found in trash bags, dumpsters.....)



We HAVE fallen as a nation (USA) far from what the Founding Fathers had envisioned for us. What has been seen as an "enlightenment" - dismissing God from all aspects of our society - is destroying us. Slowly and surely.



There are no more consequences for actions and behaviors, it is all up to "you". The old laws ie Newton and "for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction" - that applies to MORE than physics...... Isn't taught anymore. Parents have abdicated their responsibility to teach that to our kids, the schools AREN'T teaching it, and haven't been for a very long time.



So, if our "kids will work it out among themselves"..... who will teach them how to first?

Jennifer - posted on 09/28/2010

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It's difficult to not be irritated with some of the questions when it's obvious with the question that this person had NO BUSINESS reproducing! A person has to take a test and classes in order to drive a car but any idiot can breed. The sad part is that the one's with no common sense are the one's who are reproducing the most! I have a teenager and it is frustrating and infuriating to see how many parents care more about themselves than they do about their children. Like the woman who asked about going to the gym and leaving her 8 year old at home by herself for a little over an hour. Somehow she thinks that it's a viable option to abandon her responsibilities because the child is sleeping and heck...what can happen in an hour? (Um...common sense says....murder, home invasion, fire, gas leak, .... not to mention something could happen to the mother in transit leaving the child alone and scared) Why was that even a question?


You have no idea how many of the kids that come to my house are cutters, sexually irresponsible, drug users, and basically acting out to get some attention from their parents. The kids LIKE my house because I am here for them and they know that I care about them. Most of them feel like their parents don't care! From watching their parents I can see why! They want to continue selfishly pursuing their own lives instead of guiding and taking the time to care for the lives of their children. Parenting IS a job and not just an inconvenience or an option when a person has time! When are the people of this generation going to figure out that these children do NOT raise themselves and that beating, while a fast form of punishment, is not the ONLY form of punishment.

Louise - posted on 09/20/2010

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Sometimes you can read a post the wrong way and it offends. People are very defensive and type quite rude sharp messages. It is a shame but some people have nothing nice to say and they crop up on nearly every post with some unpleasant comment. You just have to ignore them and not reply as things get carried a little to far. There are a lot of kind caring mums that give good advice and extend the hand of friendship, and they make up for the sour people who must see life through sad eyes.

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33 Comments

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Michele - posted on 10/08/2010

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Amen Truth Topper! You get on your soapbox whenever you want...I think all of us could stand to hear that message from time to time.

Yvonne - posted on 10/06/2010

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I don't know about you all...but this is getting old-lets talk about something happy and exciting. What is anyone doing for Halloween? Are you dressing up with your kiddos? Is there anyone whom works from home and wants to share their success with other moms. We all could use a little extra money these days.

Elizabeth - posted on 10/06/2010

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Steph i dont know the feeling u feel right now but all i can say is your daughter needs you to love her unconditionally and that the bottom line she,s still your daughter no matter what so love her as you would want to be loved if it were u God Bless.

Stephanie - posted on 10/05/2010

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It's real easy for other morhers to judge your experiance when they haven't gone through what you are going through. We all have to becareful with that one cause we are all capable of going the same things with our children. I never thought I would go through what I went through with my baby girl telling me she was gay and I had stood in jugdement of others and now I have been dealing with this for 5 years now.

Elizabeth - posted on 10/04/2010

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i HOPE I HAVE,NT IN THE PAST OFFENDED ANYBODY AND IF SO IM APOLIZEING AND ASKING THAT YOU FORGIVE ME. GOD BLESS

Elizabeth - posted on 10/04/2010

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JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE PUT A LITTLE WORD IN YOUR MESSAGE DONT MEAN THEIR HOLLIER THEN THOU I JUST LOVE JESUS BUT IM NOT PERFECT AND A LITTLE WORD DONT HURT NOBODY PRAYER CHANGES THINGS AND IF U DONT KNOW JESUS GET TO KNOW HIM AND SEE FOR YOURSELF I WOULD NEVER DOWNGRADE ANY MOTHER IVE BEEN THEIR AND DONE THAT WE NEED TO UPLIFT EACH OTHER AND IF ITS WORDS OF THE BIBLE OR STRAIGHT TALK WE SHOULD BE HERE TO ENCOURAGE ONE ANOTHER,.GOD BLESS LOL

Yvonne - posted on 10/02/2010

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I have had a few too. When people text, blog etc they read it how they want and then get defensive. Why can't we all just get along...LOL!
I am wondering if there are any Moms out there who are in Shaklee like I? I am a full time single parent @ the ripe age of 42 and would love to help anyone that wants to become healthier and possibly join me.

Deb - posted on 10/02/2010

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It is ashame that ppl come here for help and get bashed for asking for it. My daughter is going through mommy blues and she is afraid to ask for help bc of the bashers. I feel if they cant help u KEEP UR MOUTH SHUT AND JUST SIT THERE IN UR IGNORANCE>

Truth - posted on 10/02/2010

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As to those with the "holier than thou" attitude, I have also begun to try to change mine toward them.It is an act of the "will" and a "choice". It is NOT an easy thing to do.......

But whenever I read their obnoxious, rude, and yes DISGUSTING and DESPICABLE (that's how I feel) posts, I purposefully stop myself and pray for them, in the wordsof Jesus, as I know NO other way..... "Father, forgive them, for they know NOT what they do."

I truly believe that our school system, society and even a lot of parents have bred too many narcissists and we are paying the consequences for that "education" now. And since the public school system isn't going away and isn't changing it's tune, and our society is still dancing to that same tune, we moms, and most certainly DADS too, have a huge battle to right the wrongs taught to many of us and what's being taught to our kids and grandkdis today.

Just sayin'.

[deleted account]

Those that act "Holier than thouh" sometimes feel the need to put others down or bash others way of doing things in hopes of trying to make themselves look better, when in fact all they look like is ....well a bunch of...."I'll be nice" lol

Linda - posted on 09/30/2010

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I agree with your post, everybody play nice. We come to this site to be honest and open, we sometimes just need a sounding board. So, think before you type. Thanks

Truth - posted on 09/30/2010

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CJ, I agree with your post, insofar as a person "cannot know what I have experienced unless they have walked in my shoes" BUT, and there is ALWAYS another side to that story, phrase or action.

I do have experiences, knowledge, understanding AND compassion that enables me to empathize with the mom that is reaching out for help/advice or whatever it is that she is asking.

I also have the experience of having raised 2 children through the toddler, young child years, through the (with my first) and currently going through the teenage years, with both a boy and a girl. I am also an RN that has worked with people of all ages and in different circumstances from the most dire - critically ill - to taking care of them and teaching families how to take care of ill family members in the home.

I do not say this to display what I have accomplished, but only to illustrate that there are many of us moms and grandmothers, aunts and nieces, daughters and even granddaughters, that are educated formally and informally, but we are all educated and can appreciate the struggles of many, but not all of the moms that are asking for help. We have been (are) there and only desire to help. To offer some wisdom or nugget of truth that may spare that mom a heartache that in her current situation she may not be able to see or even comprehend.

I also believe that there is a right and a wrong to every situation that comes our way. I know that that is not a popular stance in our society at large today, but it is one that I have held most of my adult life, I am not ashamed of it, nor ashamed of the God I love and serve. I can only say that He has been faithful to me and my family and proven time and time again that I can trust Him.

Am I perfect? Are the other mom's that attempt to help and offer constructive advice perfect?? Absolutely not!! I make more mistakes than the average Joe, but, I try not to offend and if I have offended hope that you can forgive me, as I only with to help.

By the way, the baby I am holding in my avitar pic is a great-niece, yes, great-niece. I knit the hat she is wearing and the pic was for my knitting guild to see.

Lisa - posted on 09/29/2010

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i understand completely i dont get it...arnt we suppose to stick together instead of sticking it to each other..come on women...we are alll in the same boat one way or another..

Kathy - posted on 09/29/2010

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I know what you mean. Maybe these people did not come from an area that was ethnically deverse. Evern then people mean well and are trying to help. I get really irrated when I post something about my son's special needs issues with trying to get insurance to pay for additional (keyword here "additional") theray. I always get many posts about how the school system offers services. Unfortunately my son needs additional therepy ONTOP of those service we receive through the school system. Yet someone has to always post on getting the service through the school system. Anyways like I said people are trying to be helpful. I would rather take advice from someone with a strong opion verses one that can't accept any.

Cj - posted on 09/29/2010

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There is never any reason for any mom to put down or degrade another mom. We do not walk in their shoes and every situation is different. If we were put into the same one who knows how we would handle it. We can try to understand and hopefully try to give out helpful advise but other than that we need to support each other.

Wendy - posted on 09/29/2010

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I have not asked for any advice on this board but have on others. There are many moms who seem to be this way. They must have perfect kids who never do anything wrong. It is frustrating. I only wish they would take the advice that taught my kids, if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say it! Sorry you feel this way, some of us are not like that. Please continue to post and ask advice when needed. People should not throw stones!

Truth - posted on 09/29/2010

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Oh, sweetie, it is because so many have moved away from the moral base our country (USA) was founded on and have forgotten God - the Christian God. Monday on Facebook, I was led to post the following, and I believe that it is appropriate for here also:

from Galatians 3... 26You are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus, 27for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. 28There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. 29If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham's seed, and heirs according to the promise.
This is the God I serve. I ask all...... WHO CAN COMPARE?

And I propose the same here. If this is the God that all Christians love and try to "imitate" (WWJD), then what other god can compare?

Susan - posted on 09/28/2010

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There is ALWAYS ONE in every crowd - isn;t there?!
I think that the reason they do that is because they are insecure their self?!

Brenda - posted on 09/28/2010

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AMEN... and AMEN!!!! To ALL of the Wise Words from the Moms who are Encouraging and NOT beating someone down with their tongue!!

Sheila - posted on 09/28/2010

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If A Person Can,t Judge Their Selves They Shouldn,t Judge Others Thats My Opinion

Kathy - posted on 09/28/2010

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The only people who would intentionally downgrade someone who is reaching out to others are those who have no other way of feeling good than to try to feel as if they're better than someone else. It's hard, but try to ignore them - they're not worth your concern.

Vicky - posted on 09/28/2010

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Some moms are "perfect". Their lives, their spouses, their children. Since they don't have any "issues" in their homes they don't understand why others do. Just ignore them. Their day will come & then they will need your help.

Debra - posted on 09/27/2010

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In my opinion, I think the difference may lie in how advice is delivered. I believe most of us could tolerate advice from others if it weren't delivered as a personal attack on one's self. I know for myself, even when I've asked my own husband for his opinion/advice on a subject near and dear to me, I have gotten defensive and offended. I've pointed out that his delivery was not satisfactory, although I understood his heart was in the right place. When someone gives you advice (especially when it was solicited by you), and it feels like a personal attack, explain to them that while their advice was probably well-meaning, it fell upon deaf ears due to their lack of sensitivity. Then, take the advice of those who understand your position, and move on. Do not let others harsh words linger upon you, for you are obviously above that~ after all, you were brilliant in the first place for having sought out advice. Be well.

Kecia - posted on 09/23/2010

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No you are not alone. I feel the same way !! You have to weed through the junk and pick out what works for you. I think some people just have the type of personality. I find it a lot with Christian women too. So many Christians give other Christians a bad rap because of this exact thing. As lovers of Christ, we are to love others and not judge them. Unfortunately, this behavior is just an ugly part of life.
I'm not judgemental so reach out to me anytime... i'll be happy to give you advice if I can :o)

Trish - posted on 09/23/2010

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I think as women we are so hard on each orther. I know we all do our very best, it is just that our very best changes day to day.

Melissa - posted on 09/20/2010

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Because there are people out there that always respond with UGLY! No matter what it is...they have to be UGLY! They simply don't abide by Chist Like Actions! I feel your pain. You kind of have to adapt the attitude of " WOW, I feel so sorry for you" and move onto prayer! Personally...(and I hate to sound like a broken record) but I pray...pray...pray. If I didn't have that outlet with Jesus, rest assured, I'd say something I shouldn't. Just take all advice with a grain of salt and step cautiously!

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