why do i feel that all my kid s take advantage of me and my husband they r all grown up its al

Luisa - posted on 04/04/2010 ( 19 moms have responded )

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im 47 my husband is 51, my boys r 23 21 18. why do i do it give in to them we r always helping them and they never as so much as ask us if we would like a cup of tea. where did we go wrong. i know its silly there good kids . but come on tidy up.ive tried nagging pleading begging. help...

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Janey - posted on 04/05/2010

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We do this because we are their moms and thats our job.
Stop trying to make them be what you want them to be its to late now,try to accept them for who they are and stop beating yourself up you did the best you could.
Our children don't always turn out the way we want them to.
It's weird but sometimes when we react the opposite of what is excepted others make changes.

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Kar - posted on 04/10/2010

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They are taking advantage of you because you are allowing it. Really try to learn to say "no" and the children will respect you for it. If things don't get tidied up, maybe they should disappear for a while. I truly hope things work out because I bet, deep down, the boys don't like the situation either.

Helene - posted on 04/09/2010

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I think that when we are the loving, nurturing, self-sacrificing kind of caregiver/mom/mate--sometimes it backfires. It is as if know matter how old they get they don't see us as a person other than the all-giving servant. I have loved being a mother, but sometimes, when I am alone, I cry. Because I wonder if I did it all wrong. Like why won't they help with the dishes after a large meal? They all go to their electronic devices and try to crack a joke and you have been up for hours chasing down dirty towels that they just won't hang up or pick up....and then they look of "When are you going to cook and feed me" and I think, why don't you surprise me and cook and clean the entire day and not ask me to go get a friend or take you to spend some money, or entertain you. arrrrghgghghhh

Barbara - posted on 04/08/2010

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Are they in college? Do they work outside the household? Do they have assigned chores? If they are treated like children they'll continue to act that way. It's difficult to let go when someone we love is so close especially when they live in our household. When they make any progress let them know that you appreciate what they have accomplished. Add more responsibility and give more freedom. If they have the freedom but no responsibility they'll continue doing things the way they do. Good Luck

Lisa - posted on 04/08/2010

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Thanks Louann, I've also had to take away the house key and her bedroom door off...due to disrespect and curfues. Also so true about her snitty attitude and employers and law officials...we've already seen that with her!

Shannon - posted on 04/07/2010

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boy do i know that feeling, this has been a tuff week for me, i have 5 kids my 2 older ones our out but i haveonr that is turning 15 friday and twins that are 9 my son has disablitys, but man they do nothing everything is a fight, i feel like i am just here to wait on them, noone not even my husband rember i have feeling, i am the calm one who holds things togeather so sence i do not say anything they feel they can then when i do i am the one that is out of control. its nuts. i am glad i am not alone

Luisa - posted on 04/07/2010

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thanks everyone i feel better now not sure if its going to work but we have tried toughing up had hugh row over their girlfriends sleeping over , we won that round, stnding up to them is the hardest. i dont know why we have to get so mad to do it and get reaction adam spent the night out hes home now a diffrent person maybe he found it really hard who knows as hes not really speaking, time is the best thing give him some space hopefully he will chat to us.thanks again

LouAnna - posted on 04/07/2010

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"I told my 21 yr old daughter to drop her attitude tonight, and she said she was leaving to sleep at her friends. She replied, You don't want me here!" I said, I want you here...but not the attitude! She is driving me crazy! She is disrespectful, ungrateful, and rude to both of us and her brother! I am of need of advice....PLEASE!!"

Lisa,

She's right, you don't want her there, and really..why would you? she's rude and nasty, who wants to be treated like a doormat. I learned that if you don't like being treated like a doormat, get up off the floor! You love your daughter, this is true, but the best thing you can do for her is to let her know that out in the world, nobody cares if she has a snit. Employers won't put up with her s***, landlords, police, judges, and neighbors won't put up with her s****. Why should you? you do your kids no favors by letting them abuse you. They don't love or respect you when you do. She'll have her snit, go out "sleep at her friend's house" and when the money runs out and she wears out her welcome, she'll try to come back to you. and you will have to put your foot down and basically tell her, you know, I am your mother and I deserve to be treated with respect. If you can't do that, then you can't live here. Period.

LouAnna - posted on 04/07/2010

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No, it isn't silly. Do they live with you? then it's your house and your rules. In the 'real world' people do get evicted for being dirty. Mine are 27, 26, 24, I know where you are coming from. You teach them how to treat you, and if you don't insist, they won't.

Beverly - posted on 04/06/2010

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it's called hard love. you and your husband have to learn to say no. They are old enough to be responsible for themselves. If you don't they will never learn to do things for themselves.

Pamela - posted on 04/06/2010

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Lisa Lisa Lisa,....don't let her guilt you into anything! That 's all it is. She's acting out like a 3 year old that screams at her mommy. My 20 yer old daughter was really being disrespectful in the way she talked to me when she was in her teens ( I allowed it for a bit.....her dad left us when she was 15 and I gave her some slack....thinking she had her plate full dealing with that), but it got old fast.....and I told her that at the very least I deserved to be talked to like she talked to a stranger .....but by no means was she going to be allowed to talk to me in a disrespectful way....and if she continued I was just going to ignore her until she changed her tune.....and once....she really really really got to me....and I said "you know this house is only big enough for one bitch...and that's me! You are a bitchette.... so back off!" She about cried she laughed so hard... and to this day....when I give her that "Mommy look" ( the one that all mother's give that states ...hush up, be still, stop what you're doing, or don't go there...or you WILL be sorry)....she busts out laughing and says ..." I know , I know, I haven't earned my bitch stripes yet!"

Pamela - posted on 04/06/2010

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try some tough love....by always giving in and cleaning up after them is teaching them absolutely nothing! Hopefully eventually they will all have homes of their own and they really do need to know how to keep it clean! I guess you could start charging them to clean up after them. I'm sure they get other little "perks" like gas money, or clothes money or something like that....the next time they want anything...tell them your taking out money that you feel you should be paid for being their maid...or just say....nope, sorry I had to clean up after you so you don't get any money now. I have a question for you too....are they all in college? when all three of mine graduated from high school and went into college....they only came home for the summer ( to live)...and I used to to tell them....when they got a little slack in picking up after themselves.... this MY home it's yours because I share it with you and you will always have a bed here....but this is MY home....you go out and make your own way in the world and get your own home.

Luisa - posted on 04/06/2010

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the thing is i did all those things they were so good and helpful, i only had to ask now its the quickest way to empty a room i ask for help and they all disappear.its lazy cazy i know they love us but come on we feel like there slaves.

Lisa - posted on 04/06/2010

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I told my 21 yr old daughter to drop her attitude tonight, and she said she was leaving to sleep at her friends. She replied, You don't want me here!" I said, I want you here...but not the attitude! She is driving me crazy! She is disrespectful, ungrateful, and rude to both of us and her brother! I am of need of advice....PLEASE!!!

Colleen - posted on 04/05/2010

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I personally think you have to start grooming them to help out when they are young so they get used to the idea that a family helps each other,not just parents helping just the kids! That way kids know you are just as deserving of respect as they are! God Bless and good luck! Colleen

Linda - posted on 04/05/2010

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I kinda know where your coming from, I have three children 26,24,19 and my boyfriend and I do our best to do what we can for my children when their own father won't even if he could he won't. The difference with me is that my children are greatful and I feel bad for parents that have ungreatful children. I have had to use tough love and just flat out say NO!!! when it is necessary. I know it is difficult to say no to your children because then you feel guilty, but you have to ask yourself this" am I enabling my children by giving in"? If you know they can do for themselves but don't is when you have to put a stop to giving in. I wish you all the luck in the world and remember it is ok to say no and put yourself first, afterall they are grown. Hugs Linda

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