why should i explain to people the reason ...

Luisa - posted on 07/11/2010 ( 22 moms have responded )

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three years ago both my parents ruined my life. i will not wont forgive them . im not spiritual .they are .so that makes it worse they should be christian.and respect me and my husband and my boys . so why is it that people keep saying i should forgive them. im 47 years old now . and to be phyiscaly hit by them is never acceptable.no mater what. i was always treated bad as a child, and now im stopping it. its taken me 3 years and im still raw.

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I was quite astounded to click on here, preparing to share my experiences with forgiving a parent, only to find a lot of hate filled intolerance towards Christians. I am wondering if the Circle of Moms is the right place for me.

I will go ahead and offer my experience with forgiving my dad. He sexually abused me during my childhood. Through Christ's love and teaching, I was freed up by forgiving my dad. Forgiveness is not for him. It is for me. His repentance is scant, and really is between him and God.
I have encountered individuals that disapprove of my forgiving him. But, my healing did not begin until I forgave. Forgiving is not saying what he did was ok. Forgiving does not mean forgetting the risk he is to me and my daughters. Forgiving is letting go of the hurt, hate, anger and resentment. Forgiveness is reminding me that he is not in control of my mind, heart, or soul. He is not a monster, merely a flawed human being. Forgiveness taught me that. Allowed me to move on.

Debora - posted on 07/11/2010

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The first thing I would like to say is that as a member of the human race we should respect each other. Being christian has nothing to do with forgiveness or respect. You are right that there is not reason to physically hit someone, anyone.
To have the strength to stop abuse is a great gift, so be proud of yourself that you can do this. Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves it enables us to change. By forgiving an action we heal, it has nothing to do with your parents. Forgiveness is what lets us be free of our burden not the person or action we are forgiving. I would suspect that the people that are telling you to forgive wants you to move on. You can give forgiveness and not let them back into your life, that is your choice. But to find it in your heart to understand what happened was very wrong, but it is past. You even though you do not understand there action need to find strength in forgiveness to start the healing of your heart. To be the best you can be for your children.
I have saw the power of forgiveness I have felt the power it has given me and my children as we moved past the abuse we lived with for 26 years. I hope my thoughts have helped some what. It is always fine to tell people I will not discuss this topic at this time, thank you for caring.

Darlene - posted on 07/12/2010

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I am 56. I came from a long line of physical emotional abusers. When I was young it was not in my control. I loved and hated my parents for many many years and my heart broke. Then in my 40's and many years of counciling, I decided to let go. No you never forget but choosing to forgive them for their ignorance and possibly shortcomings on child rearing, I am a better parent. I chose not to let what they infflicted on me regulate who I now am and how I feel about life. I made the choice to live my life and be the mom to my children they couldn't be. Forgiving them(you never forget) was like saying I am in control now, not you. My children are the better for my decision. And remember christian's are just saved sinners.

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Mary - posted on 07/23/2010

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Karen Rainwater answered it very well. Very well put. I also think you shoukld try to forgive. Not forget, but forgive.

Lois - posted on 07/15/2010

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You have to do what is best for you.Sometimes the best thing is to admit that there is no hope that the people in your family will ever change,and that family or not ,having them in your life is just too painfull

Darlene - posted on 07/15/2010

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Choosing to forgive is very liberating. It puts the decision in my power. Forgiving releases you from so much negative in your life. No you never really forget. But what a joy not to exert the energy on being bitter or angry or hurt. I chose to do it not be shamed or forced or guilt ed into it. If I forgive, perhaps someone I wrong because of ignorance will forgive me someday. I just try to be a better person than the other and learn from their negative inflictions. You may never love them like you would like, but liberate yourself. I know as a child of God I certainly did not deserve forgiveness. But what a joy to know even though my father was no father, I have a heavenly father who adores me.

Stephanie Jo - posted on 07/15/2010

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Hi Luisa, I am so,so,so sorry that you had to go through what you did.I cant even imagine.I am a Christian, I love Jesus with all my heart.As said in some of the posts above, a true Christian doesnt do that and I am so sorry that you went through it.I know that it is hard to forgive,even as Christians,sometimes we have a hard time forgiving.I recently had to finally make a decision about forgiving some people. It is hard and when I finally did it was because it was just driving me up the wall.I am not perfect,I strive everyday to do what Jesus would want me to do.I am just saved by Jesus grace.Sometimes people think that just because we are Christians that we are perfect.....I am far from it.It sounds like your parents need to deal w/somethings also.Please dont let them or people that are saying bad stuff about Christians make up your mind.Jesus loves you and he can help you with your healing.You are so special to him.I hope that you heal for yoursake and no one else.May God bless you.

Louise - posted on 07/15/2010

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Luisa you have your own life to live and if that does not involve your parents then so be it. Nobody will understand your situation unless in it themselves so don't try and explain things. You have nothing to apologise for or try and put right. Live each day as if it were your last and have no regrets of the past. As long as you and your family are happy then nothing else matters. I am sorry you did not have the loving parents that you deserved but it is now time to move on and be happy.

Carol - posted on 07/15/2010

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Just because they are family doesn't mean they deserve being friends or even merit a relationship. If it was a friend who abused you, you'd drop them, right? I find that those who criticize people for distancing themselves from a family member never went through something themselves. They simply cannot relate or fathom such a thing (or may be in complete denial of their own background). You don't need toxic people in your life. Period.

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Hi Luisa. I know that learning to forgive someone who has deeply hurt you is very difficult and it can take a long time to get to the point where you have a peace within yourself and can let go and move on (which is what forgiveness offers). It isn't some switch you can just turn on and say "I forgive you" and that's that. Like alot of the lovely ladies in this post have mentioned, forgiveness is for your healing and gives yothe uability to then move forward with your life. I would strongly suggest that you seek out a good counsellor who will help you deal with the issues you experienced in your childhood. It will be like an outpouring of your hurt and grief and this is where you can start to heal and hopefully know how to forgive your parents - regardless of whether they deserve it or not. However, you deserve to know love and peace, so I pray that you will soon find it. God Bless and take care x

Shelly - posted on 07/14/2010

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i will have to say that as a christian i am hurt by some of the comments i have read here. Christians do not approve of abuse and to use the word "christians " i'm sur you realize or should that there are a lot of people that call themselves that and they are of deffrent "demoinations" example catholic, baptist, presberteryian, petacostol, so what kind of "christian are you refering to ?? not that , that should matter they'r are good and bad people in every walk of life being christian dosen't eliminate your ability to be a bad person nor does it make you be holy'r than anyone else. WHAT I DO KNOW ABOUT BEING A CHRISTIAN IS THAT THERE IS 1 PERFECT PERSON AND IT'S NOT ME IT'S GOD!! I AM NOT MENT TO JUDGE !! This is my 1st post and it may be my last , because stuff like this makes me frustrated..

Luisa - posted on 07/14/2010

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thankyou for your comments i dont belive in god . but i do belive in christianity thats the strange thing . i dont belive in the church but i belive that jesus was real and he had teachings you are right there is a message of hope of kindness that we should all understand thankyou all for helping me and its true its a misconseption not everyone is bad .i wish that they would learn from this but i feel that there is a point of no return,i will get stronger i will be ok . i hope time will heal me and i get to a point when it no longer eat me up. i dont however feel that they deserve my forgiveness .however i forgive myself for hateing them. oneday i may forgive ,just not today.i seem not able to let go. its still so fresh in my mind . i wake up feeling like a section of my childhood was a complete lie now today i put it behind me today i move on today is the first i do not regret and my mind will be free .a wise neighbour said to me one day smile if someone dosent have a smile give them yours. so im smiling to you all. and again thankyou sending you all my love .luisa.

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Pure and simple Luisa you owe NOBODY an explanation. If someone mentions anything you simply say "We are not close - end of story".

Linda - posted on 07/13/2010

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I was very disappointed to read one reply making a broad statement about an entire group of people (christians). I am a christian & I also know that a true christian does not act the way this person described "all christians". Now, to the lovely woman who wrote the original post: forgiving someone frees you from bitterness, anger & a host of emotions that will just eat you up. Forgiving someone does not in any way mean that what they did was okay. It also does not mean that you have to let that person back into your life to continue their bad treatment of you. If they are Christians, please don't let their actions jade your view of all Christians. A true Christian strives to act as much like Christ and his example he set forth in his time here on earth. He treated others w/ love, kindness & respect no matter what their background, ethnicity or financial status was. He met people at their level, met their needs, and forgave them. A true Christian wants to live their life as closely to that example as they can. I hope you can find peace in your life. We can only change our own actions, and not those of others. They are responsible for their own actions, you are not. I will be praying for you to find peace to move beyond this hurt that you have suffered. Have you tried to talk to someone about this? Maybe a counselor or minister could help you through this so you can find the strength to put this behind you. Love you, Linda

Luisa - posted on 07/13/2010

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thankyou it is eating at me i thought i was coping but i think i still have to learn this forgiveness ny ideas how 2 start.i really appreciate all your help

Ntombi - posted on 07/13/2010

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Okay, this is really hectic.I do not know what happened with you and your parents but what I know is that Christistians (my eldest is is one of them) are very intolerant.Everyone must live life according to them. My sister who is a born again Christian and got inflicted with AIDS from her husband. She was a virgin when she got married. She used to regale us with stories of how she was emotionally and physically abusive he was. she hated us for hating this man. Christians are very intolerant and at the ame time are the worst abusers. What you need to look at is, what are your payoffs for you for hating them. They are wrong for what they did to you. Hating them though gives them power. Do know make them or give them the power to be important to you. When you hate someone you give them the power over your life. Let them go. Tell yourself that they are not as important as they would like you to believe they are. Release them. oook at them as a colony of ants that you can tramp over. You dont have to have a loving relationship with them but dont hate them and release them from your emotions.

Toni - posted on 07/13/2010

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To forgive them doesn't condone what they did. I t allows the anger and hate out of your heart and life. Just because you have forgiven them doesn't mean they have to be a part of your life. You would feel better about you knowing they did what they did because of ignorance. The bitterness in your heart will eat away at your soul. Like Jesus said "Father please forgive them they know not what they do". If he can forgive from the cross hopefully you can forgive. That doesn't mean to forget all they have done or put yourself in a position to have it happen again but for your heart and soul please forgive.

Luisa - posted on 07/12/2010

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thank you all for sharing with me i dont understand this forgiveness if i forgive them then what they hve never said they want me in there lives i feel that they just want my children they are all grown up now.they had so many opertunaties to make amends just a chritmas card with i love you in it . but they r so selfish they lie made me feel so unloved . i know im a great mum my boys tell me all the time im loved my husband is my strength he loves me . i know i have done a really good job . i just feel i deserved better.i have so much resentment towards them. i just want it to never of happened and i wish i had a wonderful childhood .i have so many bad memories i find it hard to rember being happy i was such a sad little girl.standing to my parents has freed me ,again forgiveness please explain..i just block them out .i have no parents its me who controls.is that the same

Lisa - posted on 07/11/2010

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I think you did the right thing in taking a STAND FOR YOUR LIFE hitting is never the answer to a problem all it does is teach our kids that hitting solves the issue and we know it DOES NOT SO BE PROUD FOR TAKING A STAND AND AN ACTIVE ROLL IN YOUR LIFE.

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