Wrong to stay with husband just because of having kids together ?

[deleted account] ( 71 moms have responded )

Trying to be a good mom and wife seems I never do either. If not happy with husband but,do not want to hurt children what do I do ?

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Kristen - posted on 12/24/2009

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I just received the most encouraging letter and want to recommend a book to you for people surviving affairs. "My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me" by Anne Hercht. One of the things she said was that Christmas is not the time to end a relationship becuase then the kids will suffer every christmas with the memory. She said once she got past that first christmas things actually got better, and now, 10 years later, she is very glad she stayed with her husband. He even learned to cook! People can learn new things, even how to communicate better etc.

The author has a website and a newsletter she sends out monthly that might really be helpful for you as you make this decision. Know that she doesn't condemn people that choose not to stay. The website is beyondaffairs.com

Donna - posted on 12/24/2009

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I have been in ur spot... The kids know ur not happy...... so dont make worse by sticking in until they are older...... They will never be old enough....... Make Yourself Happy and ur kids will follow!

Dena - posted on 12/23/2009

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I was once asked 3 important questions when trying to decide the same thing.
1. Is this relationship your idea of love?
2. Is this the way you want your life to be in 30 years?
3. Is this relationship good for your kids ?
I was in an abusive relationship, my answer to all three was no, I left him just starting my ninth month of pregnancy with my second child, I moved back to the U.S. and started all over because he refused to ship any of our belongings. It was hard and we struggled, but I am proud to say that they were happier in a safe home with one happy parent than in an unsafe one with the fear and unhappiness that was there. They are now 18 and 20 and both in college and I am very proud of the respectful kind people they have turned into.

[deleted account]

Quoting Sheri:

Love is a commitment, not a feeling....
with that being said =) my only advice is to do everything you possibly can (be nicer than he, random acts of kindness, don't keep the 'fair' card tallied, etc..), best to work on our own attitude and actions (we have no control over our husbands) to the best of our abilities, then, and really only then can you have no regrets if you choose to leave. To be able to say I did all I can do and there are no 'what if's... Me??? I stayed in a emotional detached marriage for years, determined to kill him w/ kindness (all the while wanting to leave), and never got to a breaking point of never being able to say 'what if I had only stayed a bit longer'... we are now approaching our 20th anniversary, 6 kids, and he is an amazing husband!
Good luck and blessing to you!


  That is an awesome testimony Sheri, thank you for sharing. And yes, that is what I always tell people too. Love is a commitment, not a feeling.  Feelings can change from one day to the next. A commitment is just that, a commitment.

Sheri - posted on 12/23/2009

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Love is a commitment, not a feeling....
with that being said =) my only advice is to do everything you possibly can (be nicer than he, random acts of kindness, don't keep the 'fair' card tallied, etc..), best to work on our own attitude and actions (we have no control over our husbands) to the best of our abilities, then, and really only then can you have no regrets if you choose to leave. To be able to say I did all I can do and there are no 'what if's... Me??? I stayed in a emotional detached marriage for years, determined to kill him w/ kindness (all the while wanting to leave), and never got to a breaking point of never being able to say 'what if I had only stayed a bit longer'... we are now approaching our 20th anniversary, 6 kids, and he is an amazing husband!
Good luck and blessing to you!

Cindy - posted on 12/23/2009

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I would go and talk to some one that can help you decide , even your doctor ...I am sure in these times for you it is hard to even think sometimes..You need to talk with someone so you can decide what to do ,what to work on and help you feel better

Brenda - posted on 12/22/2009

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No do not stay, You will just get more anger and depressed and thats not good for the kids

Kristen - posted on 12/22/2009

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I have to agree with Laura Cortinaz who says if the relationship can be restored, better to try everything you can to get it worked out. I am the daughter of a broken home, and it sucked. My mom left my dad for another man, because dad was a workaholic. My brother did the same thing to his wife and kids. His wife left him too. They are a broken family, and it is sad. Please try to do everything you can to save your marriage. It is a precious thing to so many people. Considering our own happiness really makes us selfish, and after a while, like my mom, will make you feel so guilty unless you KNOW that you know that you know that you tried everything to make it work. Big decision. Take plenty of time dear. There is no big rush.

[deleted account]

Divorce should be the last option. First try and salvage your marriage. Many people not only save their marriages after being totally miserable but are blessed with awesome marriages. Have you ever watched the movie "Fireproof"? Many, many people said that applying the principles that are in that movie saved their marriages. You can also get a book on the subject called "The Love Dare". The best gift you can give your children is a wonderful, strong marriage with their dad. Sometimes it just doesn't work but that should be after you have tried everything you can. Sometimes it cannot be helped. I was divorced many years ago from a man who beat me and my oldest children. We had to escape for safety sake. Hope you take the time to watch Fireproof and ask your DH to watch it with you if he will. If not watch it yourself.

Mana - posted on 12/22/2009

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need to let kids know of your feelings they can be very resilient especially if they are good at picking up the vibes between you and your husband

[deleted account]

Thank you all for the comment's. You gave me lot's to think about. I know if I do leave it is not going to be easy,but I am going to really think things threw before I do anything. Thank you so much I feel I have someone out there who is on my side for a change.

Alisa - posted on 12/20/2009

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Thinks look rough right now but staying for the children is not helping, children are happy if the parents are happy and even if you work hard at hiding it, they always know I did the same thing for my daughter and she told me later that she knew I was unhappy and that I should have left when I needed too. Think about it. Good luck

Laura - posted on 12/19/2009

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Sometimes remaining in a harmful relationship is hurting the children more than staying. Depending upon what causes you to be unhappy...you need to ask yourself if there is help for your relationship with your husband, there are many ways to reach out and get the help your relationship may need to get back on track. If you do not see a solution, then you need to take a look at what the relationship is offering your children. If you are trying hard to be a good wife and mother...then you ARE a good wife and mother and need to find value and comfort in that as well!

Lisa - posted on 12/19/2009

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My kids (19, 17, 13 & 5) have informed me that they are hurt more by my husband and I having stayed together this long with all the fighting we've done. They aren't happy that we are getting divorced, but they know we are still a family and that their dad & I love them no matter what. I've been so unhappy with him for so long that I've forgotten if I'm even capable of being happy. I'm set to move out Jan. 1st and as scary as it is, I'm looking forward to getting on with my life & feeling like a better mom to my kids.

Ann - posted on 12/19/2009

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Dear, Caroline I've right wear you are right now, I dont think that God wonts you to be unhappy and if you and your husband fight alot that's not good for the kids either... I stayed as long as i could but i told myself that the Lord does'nt wont me too be unhappy for the rest of my life. It's not like the kids wont see him. But thats something you have to decide yourself. Do what makes you happy...Ann

Barb - posted on 12/19/2009

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i reckon u shouldnt have 2 live in that relationship just 4 the kids sake one shouls move out if the love have gone

Brenda - posted on 12/19/2009

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not being in a happy home teaches children that is the norm. would you want your child to accept your life? I wish my folks had divorced before they did, they waited till we were grown, my childhood was not happy.

Carla - posted on 12/19/2009

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Wrong to stay because of kids, I am in the same boat and am working on getting out. Not only are you unhappy but your kids will be as well

Tracey - posted on 12/19/2009

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Hi caroline,sorry about your dilemma.Don,t know if this will be of any help but my parents remained together for my siblings and i.I really wished they had not.I would rather have seen my parents apart and happy than miserable and together.It really hurt us to watch them and has left a bad taste in my mouth. It will cloud their judgement on what constitutes a healthy relationship(the children that is).I would have loved to have seen what my parents would have been like had they been with someone they really loved, that would have been great.Hope this was of use i wish you the best of luck tracey x

Kelly - posted on 12/19/2009

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Quoting Caroline:

Wrong to stay with husband just because of having kids together ?

Trying to be a good mom and wife seems I never do either. If not happy with husband but,do not want to hurt children what do I do ?



I think it's worse and harder on the kids if you stay together and are unhappy.  There was alot of tension in our household before I left and then got divorced.  Kids feel that and even if you aren't fighting and arguing, they don't like the feeling.  When I moved out, got my own place, my sons' were glad and one of them even said, "it's so less tense here".  I was married for 16 yrs and honestly, stayed with him longer than I should've (I didn't have the money to leave before I did).  I still struggle financially but am much happier without the ex-husband.  We've been divorced 7 yrs now.  My sons are now 21 and 17 and they will both tell you that they are glad their parents are divorced.  They never expected us to get back together or wanted that.  Staying with the hubby "for" the kids really only hurts them in the end.  They quickly adjust to the situation and there are so many divorced parents now.  There's no stigma attached to it for them. 

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