How to Deal???

Vanessa - posted on 11/02/2008 ( 6 moms have responded )

4

30

1

I am a single mother of two boys with different fathers. Ones dad is gone til 2011 and the others dad goes in and out of jail. I pressed charges against one for beating me up in the middle of the mall and so he has yet to go to jail for that, but im wandering. How do you explain to a two and three year old where there father is? Also how do you choose whether to let them visit their dads in jail or to keep them away? I was told my responsibility as a mother is to do what is best for my children and to protect them at all costs. So I think its hurting them to keep letting their dads come in and out of their lives. Its leaving emotional scars and I dont want to do that. But am i leaving less scars keeping them away or more scars filling that void by visits? I dont know right from wrong and what is protecting them from hurting them. I know they need a man in their life but I dont really have time to date and its hard being a single mom with very little support from friends and family... What do I do?

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

6 Comments

View replies by

Donna - posted on 12/09/2008

20

22

4

hy i am a 25 yr old mum and just recently had twins, already have a 3 yr old. My fella whas been in jail bout a wk before i foun out i was carryin his twins. he got at least 6 yrs to serve? i said i will wait as i love him wiv all my heart but is it possible do you think? i was between minds whether to take them to c him or not but way i c it is, thy are too young at min to rememner anything so cant do much damage an wen thy get older i will let them decide wat thy want to do? x

Karen - posted on 12/03/2008

3

0

0

Hello, I am new to this group. Explaining this to a 2 and 3 year old does present its challenges. As far as whether or not you should allow them to visit their father I think that is a personal choice that only you can make. Consistency is important...especially for children. When my sons father went in he was only 6weeks old. He has grown up "visiting" dad. He is now 12. I am not going to lie and tell you this has been a perfect situation, we have struggled in the past and this has been difficult for my son, his fathers out date is 2015...our son will be off to college by then. If you believe that what you are doing is hurting them more than helping them I would follow your instinct. At the very least just stop what you are doing until you are more clear on what you DO want. Ask yourself what you want for your kids..if what you are doing is not accomplishing that, do something else. It is a process that will continously present you with challenges throughout their lives. This group will be a wonderful tool for you to bounce ideas off of others or to help you sort things out. I have talked to therapists...family...friends....at times I felt they didnt understand and at other times it has been helpful, it will really be up to you but you have to start asking yourself some really tough questions and get clear on what you do want for your kids. Then make sure that is what you are giving them. Oh..and lists...create lists..sounds stupid and simple but it REALLY helps...write down what you want, write down what you are doing and have 2 columns.. positive and negative...that will truly help you sort out which is best...you will have to keep trying things until you find what works best for your family. It sounds like you are already on the right path of trying to sort out whats best for them and that is the perfect place to be. I hope what I have said is helpful..

Take Care -Karen

Amber - posted on 11/08/2008

191

38

23

My husband was also in jail, actually prison, while we were engaged, for 18 months. Although we did not have a child together at the time (now we have 2) I have a daughter who is now 8, but she was one when she met him and refused to call him anything other than Daddy since she met him. She was almost 2 when he went away. All I could tell her was the truth, that he was naughty and had to be in jail away from us because he did something he shouldn't have done. We got married when she was 3yrs old and it was like he was never gone, now, thank the Lord, he has his head straight on his shoulders. We have been happily married for over 5 years now and my daughter and her daddy (really step dad but you couldn't tell) are very close! There is hope. Prayer does WONDERS~

Erin - posted on 11/08/2008

3

8

0

Hi Vanessa! I feel like I wrote parts of your post. I guess that anyone in our situations would ask herself the same questions. I know that I have asked my self some of these same things. My situation is a little different. Two kids, two dads, one dad around and totally involved and the other dad (my husband) went to jail and has been there since I got pregnant on October 2007. Supposed to be there until 2013. It totally sucks! I have to do everything myself and it's hard! Stressed out is putting it lightly. Plus my son is a preemie and was born 12 weeks early. For a while we didnt know if he was going to make it but thank God he did. He was in the hospital for 4 1/2 very long months though and I was so angry with my husband that I couldn't stand to even hear his voice on the phone sometimes! I have brought my son to see his father since he came home from the hospital but only a few times. Its over an hour away. I always wonder what kinds of questions my little guy will have about his daddy when he gets a little bit older like 3 or 4 years old ya know?

Amber - posted on 11/02/2008

191

38

23

My oldest daughters father is in jail, has been in & out since she was born. I tell her the truth, he is in jail because he did some naughty/bad things. He is in trouble, like when your kids get in trouble for doing something bad. That he is not a bad person, but made a bad choice, and that he loves them. I think it is important that they get to see their daddy if he is making the effort to do so BUT make sure you do it in a safe supervised place, where no abuse (physical/emotional) will happen. If he doesn't respect that and follow the rules, that is when you have to stop the visits. My girls father used to make promises that he did not keep (gifts, phone calls etc) I made it a rule for their visits that he was not allowed to say things like that or I stopped the visits. He respected that when I told him how badly it affected her when he didn't follow through. Also, if I thought he was on drugs I required an at home drug test right before the visit and that right there stopped his visits because he didn't want to do the tests, he said he was going to call the cops and I told him to go right ahead and do that (of course he didn't because he was dirty!). Hope this helped.

Amy - posted on 11/02/2008

31

3

13

well to tell you the truth do you think he is worth it if he can lay a hand on you then is it worth it your children need there mum just as much as they need a dad but they need a father who is going be there for them not matter what not when he wants to be with them,i know that its hard being a single parent but all we can do is our best, i cant tell you whether or not to take the kids to visit him but i can say thats its best to tell them the truth even though they might be a bit young to understand but when they grow up they will understand the reasons but dont hide the truth from your kids it will only make things worse in the long run i have told my children but only what they are able to understand and in a way that they can understand the only way that your children will be affected by this is if you have an abbusive relationship and truely the way i see it if we can manage by our selves then we will be ok with what life has to throw at us we may struggle but at the end of the day as long as you and your children are happy thats all that matters

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms