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Quick to anger toward my mother and mother in law

Melissa - posted on 04/23/2012 ( 1 mom has responded )

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I was blessed with my first child later in life (age 36). The child is also the first grandchild on both sides of the family, but fortunately not the only one now. The last 16 months have been awesome and I love being a mom, but my relationships with my own mother and mother in law has not been the best. I realize that I "burn red hot " anger when I feel like they are not respecting me as a mother.



THis past weekend my mother was babysitting my niece (my borther's daughter). My sister in law is terrified of my dogs which my mother has been babysitting since my daughter's birth, and as she is afraid, does not want my niece spending much time with the dogs. My mother took the child to her house not telling my sister in law (she says she told my brother). That makes me so angry. She should have been open and honest with my sister in law up front. Now she has put a potential trust issue in my brother's marraige and between herself and my sister in law. She did it because "It is what I want to do". I am angry with my mom for disrespecting my sister in law. I am nervous now to let her watch my kid because she may disagree with something I feel strongly about and do it anyway.



My mother in law is also at a distance. I learned quickly that I disagreed with their approach to stranger anxiety. It appears to me that she wants me to disappear when she is around so she can care for the baby. When my daughter developed stranger anxiety, she belived that it was because I did not give the baby to enough people. She would force the baby to sit on the rocker and cuddle with her. I can still see my child's look of fear as she looked around the room for myself and her father. To this day my in laws expect that they can walk in and take over care- they would put themselves between my husband and I and the baby.



Help. I have spoken to both of them at different times, but since I get so angry at both of them, there must be something wrong in me....

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Tabitha - posted on 04/23/2012

296

10

I think this is a common problem with grandparents. I had to finally put my foot down with all the grandparents and remind them who gave birth the this baby. I think they mean well, they just need reminded sometimes. Try not to get angry, they love you and your baby. I wouldn't worry about the dog situation, it only concerns you because it was your dogs. Let your brother and his wife deal with that. The sister-in-laws fear of dogs shouldn't automatically condemn the child to a dog-free life, if she was allergic, I would see a problem. But unless your dogs are aggressive, she should be fine. She knew that your mom was dog sitting when she asked her to babysit. Just make sure you let your mom know that if you say something about how you want her to care for your child, that's how it should be, on major stuff, don't sweat the small stuff like a piece of candy before dinner or and extra outfit from the store unless it gets out of hand. After all what fun is being the granny if you can't bend the rules a little bit. On the situation with your in-laws, just explain that they need to come around more often so that your baby can get to know them at a comfortable pace for the baby, not for them. Then they won't be strangers to her and she will be comfortable with them holding her anytime. But you should know that both of these situations are somewhat minor disagreements and relax just a little. Grandparents will always try to overstep their bounds a little and sometimes you just have to remind them who's baby it is but that you still love them. They won't be around forever, don't push them away unless its a serious disagreement that you can't get past.

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