why am i so jealous??? please dont judge me

[deleted account] ( 35 moms have responded )

I am a SAHM and am ALWAYS with my daughter of 4 months. I love her to pieces and need help with something....

I know that this is not normal, and maybe obsessive....but i HATE when my MIL holds my daughter. I feel awful for feeling this way but i cant help it. I dont mind when I am there and she is holding her...I am taling about when she takes her from me, and walks to another room "to be alone"

I dont have a mom so its not like i let my own mother hold my daughter, and not the MIL.

I want my daughter to have a good relationship with her grandma, but I just feel that she is mine and i dont want to share her. I feel that for 9 months I didnt have to share her, Now that she is here i have to share her, and I dont know how. My husband holds her, baths her, changes her etc. and I dont have a problem with this. I also dont have a problem with our friends holding her...but for the MIL is the only one i feel this way about,

Maybe it is because my husband and I were never close to her before the baby, and now all of a suddon shes in our lives? maybe it is because I dont feel she is my family so why is she holding my baby?

I DO let her hold my baby, I am NOT trying to stop her from having a relationship with my daughter, I do not tell her how I feel

I am not here looking to be judged...I know my feelings are strange, I am looking for advice from other moms that might have felt this way, and how they got over it,

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Tessa - posted on 03/14/2010

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I feel the SAME!!! but with GMIL. I don't mind MIL. Just GMIL. I HATE her hovering over me when I have him, I hate her wanting to hold him all the time, I hate her wanting to baby sit him.

And I KNOW why I feel this way.. because I don't feel this way with anyone else. Just in generaly, I find GMIL annoying!! Annoying beyond belief. and she hogs him when she does have him and feels ENTITLED to have him, tha tis why I have a problem letting her hold him.

Shonda - posted on 04/07/2010

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I concur! Alone time with a 4 month old. Hmmmm! Your feelings are normal. I limited contact to avoid this from happening as much as possible. Now my son is 8 months, I feel a little more comfortable. A) because he is mobile now and does not "want" to be held and B) because at this stage "he" protest when taken out of my sight... so it saves the hassle of "dealing" with people. We, mothers, carried these tiny beings for so long. How dare anyone think we are supposed to become detached in a second. That's my 2 cents.

Dallas - posted on 02/04/2013

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I am so thankful that this was brought up.. to be honest my daughter isn't even born yet and I already have the jealousy/anxiety going on about my MIL. My mom is here for me and I seek advice from her constantly but she doesn't understand either.. I feel like I'm going crazy. I don't understand the need for a MIL to go out and buy a crib, a car seat, or a stroller like mine has done especially if your not very close to them... It doesn't make much sense to me. To top it all off to say it's my baby every chance she gets... I guess what i'm trying to say is to keep your head up it obviously happens to the best of us and it's a very natural thing to go through I am seeing very clearly now! So thanks for posting that is just nice to know that we aren't really going crazy if you know what I mean!

Elizabeth - posted on 04/13/2010

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Yeah, I agree with the others... alone time with a 4 month old is not necessary... Whenever my MIL would walk away with my baby, I would just strike up a conversation and follow her where she was going. I still let her hold her, but I was always there. There's no reason you can't be... I don't know why MILs are that way, but like they said, it sounds like she's testing her limits. All the ILs did that with me until I got DH to tell them to lay off before I did something drastic.. like never let them see her EVER again. (They were bad about 'joking' about just taking my daughter home with them-- they live over an hour away) I 'jokingly' told them that I don't even let her out of my sight for 15 mins, why in the world would I allow someone to DRIVE her anywhere. :) Eventually, they came to understand how upset it made me and how serious I was about the situation, and eventually, we got to a good playing field again, and we get along pretty well. All that to say, hang in there, stand your ground, you'll get thru this. Don't just back down to make others happy. You have the mommy instinct to know if something is wrong. ((HUGS))

Heather - posted on 04/09/2010

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Personally, I didn't want to part with my first either... nor did I really want to part with my second, but she was a bit easier to share. I loved holding both my babies. I loved showing them off and keeping them to myself so I could bond with them. I honestly think that's all your MIL is trying to do. It's different when you're one on one with a baby and don't feel watched by anyone... whether you're the mom, dad, aunt, uncle, friend, or MIL. When I hold someone else's baby, I often leave the room just so I can relax a little more and play with them, sing to them, rock them, etc. I feel less self conscious about how I'm playing or singing or what have you. Anyway, just wanted to throw in the other perspective!

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Lorraine - posted on 03/17/2014

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now i am noy feeling stupid but worse...my daughter is just over 2 years and i am so so hating it when my SIL trys to take over and winning . since my daughter was born she took over and she has a son of 13 and then lost another boy a year exactly before my daughter was born. since the start i was told what to do and what not...both MIL and SIL both got me so scared of my own child i did not want to bath her or feed her becuase she would start crying by me...in hospital she was fine with me until we got home. ever since my daughter would spend most of her time with MIL because them refusing me to put her into a daycare...so when i get home all i want is time with my daughter but all i get is a messy house to clean and then when i am done my SIL taking over again with my daughter. When i fight with my dauighter trying to teach her the correct way of doing things or so or if i say now my IL would always call her over and make me look like teh bad 1...its so sad that today i am feeling like shit...thsi weekend she had a bath with my SIL - i wanted to die because who the hell said she can do something like this...i was and still is very mad...but what gets me most is...i can't stand my SIL and i have been putting my feelings aside because of my daughter but i cant any more i want to die just again last night my daughter was ugly to me just so that she can go to my SIL...please assist me...i am losing my daughter due to how i am feeling about SIL and she loves it because her son cant stand her and now my girl is loving her......

Lamarr - posted on 01/28/2014

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I'm not a mother but a father. when my mother law comes over i feel the same way. not that she would hurt her in any way its like that's my baby and know one going to do anything before i get the chance to do it. I do feel guilty that when i feel I need to defend to keep her all to myself. She not to take over. My mother and law does help us with anything. I just don't know why i feel this way. either its jealous or don't want my baby to love know more then she loves me?

Jennifer - posted on 12/04/2013

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I am so glad I am not the only one out there that feels like this. I gave birth to my son 7 months ago. It was a very traumatic birth along with him being 5 weeks early. He was in the nicu for a week and a half. To makeca long story short, I really haven't allowed many people to hold him. I have a veryvhard time allowing my in laws especially. I get very anxious and jealous and only allow it for a couple of minutes.I ddon't have this feeling with my brother or sil just my husbands side. I hope I am able to get over this but its been 7 months and I think its gotten worse lol.

Elizabeth - posted on 11/23/2013

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I have the same problem but with both my mom and my MIL. We live 5 min from my IL's and we see them about once a week. Every time we see them she just HAS to be the one who takes him out of his car seat like he is hers (mind u he is only two months old) then has to pass him to EVERYONE in the house and constantly bounces him like nonstop happy or sad. (Makes me mad cuz I worry about shaken baby syndrome). Then she needs to use all her own stuff I mean she has formula, clothes, diapers, a swing, a high chair. She also decides to take him to another room and I won't see him for hours even if he is fussy or needs changed its like I'm not there. Like the only reason she talks to us is because of him.
Then my mom lives a few hours away so I kind of get why she is clingy but what bugs me is when he needs something or is crying she will try to guilt me into letting her do it like "does he want mom, or GRANDMA". M'town the icing on the cake is she won't let my husband even acknowledge him. Like when she came to visit I was going to give him to his dad and she pretty much snatched him from me so he didn't get to be with him the whole day. I don't know how to handle it, but I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way. I feel bad saying something to my MIL but gonna flip soon.
And to top it off for me today the MIL decided to make my little one a bottle which is fine but I had three made in his bag already but she didn't check and didn't ask me about it which wouldn't be a big deal but she knows that we had problems with feeding so I make his bottles differently and designate different ones for day and night. Needless to say it was dumped out. I just feel like a b**** cuz it bothers me so much!

Gloria - posted on 10/22/2013

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Does this get any easier? I have the same problem..My MIL is a nice person - some of the time! But so competitive, everything she has or does has to be better than my family. She calls my baby her baby and says that they have their own song. She said she was going to take him for a walk the other day, I quickly walked away before it could happen. I feel mean but really don't want her to have him alone and I don't know why!

Gabrielle - posted on 03/30/2013

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I am so glad to know Im not the only one who feels this way. I unfortunalely live with my MIL and husband in another state far away from my family, and i hate it, but my husband refuses to move back to our hometown with me so im stuck. My daughter is not even born yet and my MIL is already taking over. She bought every baby accesory possible, and refuses to let the Items bought for the baby to be a good deal, she has to buy the most expensive everything. She has already given my baby a nickname that I hate and everything we talk about some how involves the baby. I feel like screaming at her all the time but im trying to be respectful. I hope this is just my crazy hormones and that it goes away soon. Im glad to know Im not alone

Vivi - posted on 01/14/2013

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I feel the exact same way.I don't have a problem with my husband taking care of my baby..but the idea of going to her house or letting my MIL babysit just make me sick..I don't don't what to do :(. I donr have my mother with me either

Nicole - posted on 05/28/2010

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That is YOUR daughter. If you don't want someone who is not you or your husband to have alone time with your child, that is your decision, not your MIL's. I am a single parent and my daughter's father decided at the last minute to be in her life; he had done no prep work for raising a child and knew nothing and I refused to let HIM, her own father, be alone with her until she was well over 6 months (and that was just alone with her in a separate room - he didn't get to take her out of the house for 1 on 1 visits until she was almost a year old).

I feel like your reaction is natural and you should trust your gut. Talk to your husband about it, but you have every right to remain in whatever room your daughter is in.

Michelle - posted on 05/21/2010

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Thank you for asking this question. i feel the exact same way about my MIL.. My MIL has two grandsons who moved over seas so now she hyper focuses on my daughter. What really gets me is she calls my daughter her baby. UGH it just pisses me off. Before she was even born she had purchased her own car seat, pack n play, stroller, clothes ,toys etc. When she was only two months old she wanted me to leave her, uh No way crazy lady. Whenever I say we went some where she gets this crazy look in her eye and asked who watched the baby. Um no one. I just keep hoping that as she gets older the feeling will go away. What really gets me is she wants nothing to do with me. Well news flash baby and i are a joint package.

So sorry, Good luck!!!

Angela - posted on 05/14/2010

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you might feel this way cause u do not have ur mother and u see how she wants to be there for the baby and unfortionaly ur mother is not there so u might have some anger under laying try talking to your husband about it or a close friend or even ur MIL talk the only way to feel better is to talk this out

[deleted account]

thank you.

I think all paternal grandmothers are competitive. I googled the same things you did, and found that it is VERY common, and unfortunately the competition wont end anytime soon.

good luck with you MIL.

[deleted account]

That is great that you reunited with your mother! You are right that this probably upsets your MIL that she isn't the only one anymore (even if she is happy for you). If your MIL is anything like mine, she is probably competitive about her role as grandma. (My MIL is insanely jealous of both my mother and step-mother, and turns everything into a competition.)

Its almost like they forget what it was like to be a new mom themselves. My MIL also wants lots of alone time with my son, and I have found it strange. A few months ago I typed in "mother-in-law, new baby" in google (looking for support about my own MIL!), and soooooo many pages came up with women in very similar situations. It made me feel better just simply knowing that my feelings towards my MIL are very, very common.

[deleted account]

Thank you Jessica. I am glad I am not the only one. My own mother was not a part of my life for many years and my MIL seemed to enjoy that she was the only grandma. I just reunited with my mother and now i can tell that my MIL is not happy she is not the only one anymore.
I do think she is testing me and seeing what she can get away with.

When she was 4 weeks old she wanted to give my husband and I a hotel package and leave our baby with her. AS IF!!!

the other day she came by and my baby was cranky she took the stroller and picked up my baby. I had to ask her what she thinks she is doing taking my baby for a walk without asking me, and without me? aghhh

[deleted account]

This is great reading this, because I feel the same exact way about my MIL! I can never quite put my finger on why I feel this way, but I get very possessive when she is around my son. I think its because she tries to take over when she is around (ex: will take my son right out of my arms without asking, tries to tell him how I should be doing things like letting him cry it out (we don't), etc). This type of thing puts me on guard and makes me defensive I guess.

My MIL always asks to "steal" our son, and it drives us crazy. When he was only a couple weeks old, she was already nagging us about letting her take him over night. (We said no, and still say no at almost 8 months old.) At one week old, she wanted to "steal" him and take him to a cookout...but without us for some reason. (We said no). My husband just recently got into an argument with her over stuff like this. She is very competitive and desperately wants to be the 'favorite grandma', and apparently her worry is our son will 'forget' her if she doesn't bond with him enough. She also thinks we 'live in a bubble' , mainly because we don't let her 'steal him' from us. We don't live in a bubble....but even if we did, that is our decision!

Sorry...now I am just ranting about my own MIL! But in any case, I COMPLETELY understand! I think its very normal to feel this way as a new mom. After all, your baby was a part of you physically for 9 months, and you had your daughter 100% to yourself. Its not easy sharing such a precious thing!

Amy - posted on 04/11/2010

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You could try asking your MIL not to leave the room and just say it makes you feel uncomfortable because you don't understand why she needs to leave to spend time with her. Your feelings will probably pass in time.

Anne - posted on 04/03/2010

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I wouldn't be comfortable with anyone taking my 4 month old out of my sight, except my husband but even he wouldn't take her puposefully away from me for 'alone time'. I don't think your MIL should be asking you to do that.

Jessica - posted on 03/17/2010

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Lmao... my MIL actually told me this weekend at a bday party: "Hand him over, I washed my hands so now you don't have any excuses" I wanted to punch her in the face!! She makes me sooooo mad!!

[deleted account]

thank you tessa

i think you are right about the hogging and feeling entitled

i think this is something that REALLY bothers me.

Like when my MIL says "pass her over, you get to see her everyday" when she is crying....its like hell ya i see her everyday she is MY baby and NO i wont pass her off to you whens he is crying.

I understand the hogging part too...My sil AND mil both hog my daughter..I now just keep her in the sling whenever were out.

Amanda - posted on 03/13/2010

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I'm with Michelle and Jessica...why does she need alone time? I think your feelings are perfecctly normal and if you are feeling uneasy about her being alone and/or holding your baby, then there must be something you just can't put your finger on. Do what your gut says and put your foot down now before this goes on for years and you have to intervene with a much older baby. Do what you feel is best for you and your baby! Good luck

Jessica - posted on 03/06/2010

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The first question is why is your MIL taking her into another room for alone time?? I find that a little strange. Why cant she visit in the same room with you.

I don't think your feelings are strange either. I have a very strained relationship with my MIL because she has never really respected me and I feel the same way when she holds my son. I actually can barely stand it. And when she is holding him I pretty much watch her like a hawk. She complains about it to my hubby but I'm his mom and I can be protective if I want to be.

Kate - posted on 03/05/2010

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I think it is very normal for the relationship between MIL and DIL to be very competitive and jealous. You are probably both having these sorts of feelings, only for her they are probably even more confusing because it is not her baby. I think that the best way to deal with it is to try and step into her shoes. Her son and her granddaughter belong to you and she will always be on the outskirts of your family.

Maybe you could occassionally ask her to take the baby for 30 mins so you can shower etc. she'll feel valued and it'll probably stop her being clingy of your baby.

Just keep in mind, even if your MIL looks after your daughter often for short periods of time and forms a bond with her, it will not detract from your daughter's love for you. Your special relationship will stay just as strong.

All this being said, if you still really feel uncomfortable handing your daughter over to MIL, don't do it. It is still really early days and when my LO was 4 months old I was still very possessive over him. By 6 months I felt more relaxed and confident and now I love it when people look after him for a few minutes as it gives me a chance to get things done. Maybe its just a temporary thing and you need to wait and see?

Brooke - posted on 03/03/2010

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I think what you are feeling is normal. I am not like this, but my DH is. When anyone else is around he will latch on to Olivia and will not let anyone else hold her. If anyone else does he makes me or he will watch her like a hawk and follow them too. I do the follow thing with everyone except my mom. I think it will pass with time.

Becky - posted on 03/03/2010

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it's completly normal, she's your baby, she needs you, you need her, go with it. pop her in a sling and get your mil to do the washing up. there will be plenty of time for them to hang out later on. also it may make you think about your own mum, it would me.xx

Jennifer - posted on 03/02/2010

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I feel the same way too!!! I feel really uneasy whenever my FATHER-IN-LAW tries to be alone with my babies. I feel a little funny about my MIL but my skin absolutely CRAWLS whenever my FIL walks into a seperate room with one of my twins and stays gone with them. I get so nervous and possessive. i think the fact that I have 2 babies to worry about buffers the jealousy thing because I love to watch my babies get special attention that sometimes I cannot give them myself (because there are 2 of them and one of me). But I totally feel ya about the possessiveness. They are MY BABIES!!! I don't really get this way with other people either. I think you are normal and are a great mother to want to protect and not share your baby!

Marcy - posted on 03/02/2010

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Sandra-
Well, first off your feelings aren't strange/weird etc. I would work backwards here. First off, you stated that you are not trying to stop her from having a relationship with your daughter. That being said, it seems that you are open to her being in her life.

What it sounds like to me is that you and your MIL need to develop/work on your relationship. You are perfectly okay with your hubby and your friends holding your daughter because you know them right? Since you aren't close to your MIL and you don't have that trust with her, its only fair that you feel this way.

If you are open to the idea, perhaps you need to work on building that relationship. In time, you may find that you trust her the same way you trust your hubby and your friends.

Its only natural to feel this way. If she is an open person and you are comfortable enough you could just tell her that you would like to get to know her better and work on your relationship. I am a firm believer that being nice goes a long way. You sound like a very caring person :)

[deleted account]

I don't understand why she needs "alone time" with a 4 month old. She can keep her in your sight, or you can follow her. I know it is hard with family relationships, but she really may be testing the limits. Have you talked with your husband and set some ground rules so you can both stand together. She may take the talk about rules better from her son than from you.

April - posted on 03/02/2010

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i'd also like to add that while my own MIL is a sweet lady, I am hesitant to leave my son with her because she doesn't play with him. she either holds him on her lap or gives him to my FIL who holds him in his lap. my son is 14 months and is too old to be held for long periods of time without having a chance to play!!

if i HAVE to have him babysat by MIL/FIL, i make them come to my house where all the toys and games and FUN are!!

[deleted account]

I am not jeaous of my mother MIL's (I have two), I just don't trust them. One is a religious fanatic and the other is know it all (or she thinks she does) who has never had any children of her own yet thinks she knows everything about having a baby and breastfeeding. I get a knot in my stomach when either of them hold my son, so I know how you feel. I just don't trust either of them and if I had a choice neither of them woud be aroudn my son.

The advice my husband's step mom has tried to give me is very questinable and very bad advice and I don't appreicate the advice especially considering she has never had children or breastfed. She is one of those people who like to think they are an expert on everything and all of us should look to her for information, but what she seems to forget or refuses to aknowledge is that most of the things she likes to claim expertise on I went to school for and have certifications and diploma's in. I would hate to leave my son with her as I know she would administer something or feed him somthing I don't approve of or even say something like mommy dosn't know what she is doing. She is also very pro cry it out and I am affraid if I ever let my son stay with her for an hour and he got upset she would let him cry it out.

My husband bio mom is very religious and has said a few inapropriate things that makes me very hesitant to even leave her alone with my sone for 5 min. She constantly reminds us that GOD gave us our SON and he can take it away if we do not thank him for him (basically go to church and have our son baptised and pray all the time). She had my husband and his brothers taken out of her costudy as young children do to how obsessed she was with her beliefs (it was almost abusive to the boys). If my son was left alone with her she would probably perform a religious ceremony on him and get him baptized.

So not to say your mother in law is this crazy but maybe deep down inside there is something that bother's you about her or don't trust.

April - posted on 03/01/2010

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i have a vague feeling that your MIL senses this about you and that she's taking your daughter away on purpose. i think she is testing you...she wants to see how much you trust her.



your feelings are not weird. your mothering instinct might be kicking in....you trust this woman, but at the same time you don't. and she reads this in your body language and is therefore taking advantage.

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