Rebecca - posted on 01/31/2010 ( 3 moms have responded )
As some of you have probably read on earlier posts I've made, my marriage is far from what I ever hoped or dreamed. Infact, for me it is over emotionally. The last 2 years have been a living hell for me. My husband has been emotionally abusive (not that he will ever acknowledge it), he puts his ex wife & their child ahead of the family we have etc etc etc.
We have been to 2 different marraige counsellors in the last 6 months. While DH has partially lived up to his end of the deal (in that he is no longer frequenting the numerous porn sites) I feel that the damage is already done & the hurt runs deep. In September last year I left & took our 2 children with me (after discovering the porn). He now blames me for the lack of affection that our 3 year old daughter shows him. The thing is that for the last 3-4 years I have been asking my husband to show me some NON-sexual affection ie a simple hug, & have been told by him that that's not him so why would he bother, but now it is my fault that our daughter shows him none cos we left for 4 weeks. Both my children are openly affectionate towards me but my SD is one of the most detatched children I have ever met emotionally. I absolutely can not stand to be around her. I have to watch my every move to ensure I don't even bump her shoulder or I get a look of utter disgust.
The turmoil I feel is that I just don't want to be with my husband. After I moved back in with the children DH & I were trying to make sure the lines of communication were kept open & he disclosed to me that he 'always thought it was a mistake to marry me'. Wow, that was like an axe ripping through me. I married him cos I was deeply in love with him, I wanted to share my future with him. I just wish he had told me that one BEFORE I came back but then I bet he knew that I wouldn't bother. I can't stand my life as a stepparent, I absolutely loathe his self-centred ex, am sick of taking all the flack from my MIL & just simply don't want to be a part of it anymore. My family have absolutely no respect for DH as he is great at putting on this 'I'm so wonderful' front when we have visitors/family around but I have since found out that DH now has the name 'the Dork from Dorksville' around town as people are so sick of him shooting his mouth off & offending them & running down other business' it makes me embarrassed to be his wife. I find excuses to not have to be seen out & about with him. I still don't trust him not to be into the porn & I certainly don't/can't trust him with my heart. I can't trust him to even look after the kids as twice in the last couple of weeks our 19 month old son has walked off the property & out onto the main highway when DH was supposed to be watching him. I feel no love towards him or from him. The only time he ever puts ANY effort into OUR relationship is when I reach breaking point & then only just enough to get me to calm down So he can twist me back around his finger.
I love my kids. I want to give them the best I can. I don't want them to be a statistic. I don't want to take them away from their father, from the only home they know. But I have come to the conclusion that I have to choose between my emotional well-being OR my marriage. For most people they go together. Is it being selfish to leave for myself? Are my needs more important than my childrens stability?