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my story

Ashley - posted on 01/22/2010 ( 3 moms have responded )

ok my boyfriend and i have been together for almost 2 yrs. We have a child together (hailey is 8 months) he also has a child who is going on 5 years old. we never got to see her a lot because he isso far behind on child support... as it stands now she get 68% of every check of his. he relized he messed up with his ex and 1st daughter so he is trying to make the second time around better then the first. His ex found out we were having a girl and put it in his head that i was replacing his 1st daughter and i was a bad person we only seen her here and there when his parents had his child then neither his parents nor his 1st daughter seen our child till almost 2 weeks after she was born. then we had his 1st dughter for regular vistation for like 2 months then all of a sudden his 1st duaghter told her mom i tried to smother her and that i hit her and leave bruises ..antone who knows me knows that i never hit i try to understand the child and what they want but i will not let a 4 yr old tell me where i am going to eat or let her drink mt dew. i told my boyfriend from the beginning I am not her to disipine her I am there to care about her. I dont know what to do she is going on 5 yrs old and telling ppl that i hit her when i have not seen her in 4 to 5 months and that i am mean and a bad person. I know the mother is putting stuff in her head how does a 4 yr old know what smoother means!?! then she has been kicked out of 4 preschools now for hitting adults and behavior problems.....i am going to school to be a preschool teacher my boyfriend does not understand how this looks on me if we go to court on this... then his side of the family tells him to leave hailey and I so they can see kamryn more because his ex has stopped vistiation if I am still around....I feel like maybe i am wrong but i have never hurt her so idk i am losing my mind then my and my boyfriend fight i just dont know what to do... any help out there

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Ashley - posted on 01/23/2010

Thank you both yes it is going to be a long road...its just driving me insane because everyone is talking about me... i am not allowed to see knamryn so i cant talk to her or even toalk to her mother because as her mother says she aint gonna be pregnant forever she wants to fight me over all of this and i dont understand how a 23 yrold with 3 children thinks that fighting is how to solve the problem

Shelby - posted on 01/23/2010

Its like you were telling a part of my story too! My husband is behind on child support and we were also accused of trying to replace his first set of children especially since his first child from his first wife and our first share the same birthday ( as if we could control that!) My daughters name is also Hayli and his parents hate me...I'm too young...blah blah blah. This is a stressful time for all of you and I don't know what to tell you to make that easier. Kamryn is just acting out, of course she wants her parents to be together and that instantly makes you the bad guy...plus if she hears negative things about you from her mother then reinforces her feelings. You have a right to fight for the family your trying to create!! Obviously there is a reason that your boyfriend and his ex are no longer together...they failed as a couple. Don't let their failures be your too

PS> I find that if Im direct and honest with my husband about my needs and feelings and I use other people like here, or my friends and family to vent about the situation too,that he doesnt become to overwhelmed and it takes some of the pressure off OUR relationship while my needs to be heard and validated are still being met.

Sharon - posted on 01/23/2010

Gosh this is a difficult one. The words spoken by the little one are definitely coming from the mother.Have you tried asking her to meet you for coffee somewhere and telling her that you don't want to take her child away just be a good step-mom to her and that you want your boyfriend to have a good relationship with his daughter. Her daughter is hitting out because she is unhappy and her mother needs to think about her daughter not the fact that she no longer has a relationship with him. I think she is jelous of the relationship that you have with her ex and is using the child to get back at him and you.

I am sorry but unless she is open to discussion you and your boyfriend have a long road to climb. Try to keep the lines of communication open between you and your boyfriend and his ex. Try talking frankly and openly to the child next time you have her. Telling her that you want to be friends with her and her mother and that her behaviour is making this difficult but you are not going to give up trying to be her friend and not her mother. By the same token she must follow the rules of your home children need boundries. I agree that hitting her for mis-behaviour would not work but a punishment such as time out is appropriate. I wish you luck