Question that I would love everyones insight on!

Jennifer - posted on 02/10/2010

Well I deal with the exact same thing as you the difference is my stepson is 14 and NEVER comes but maybe 2-3 Xz a year for scheduled visitation! We expressed our concerns to both bio-mom and stepson of course at the time of convo they say oh yes you are so right visits are important But fail at the next scheduled visit I have many dates that are no call no show visits I even asked how would they feel if we scheduled a visit and failed to call or show The bio mom says he overbooks himself {haha} I say to her "you are the mother he is the chid there is no overbooking yourself when a visit has been scheduled with Dad already needless to say you can try to enforce with the court system but then it will just backfire against you as the child will hold the grudge! We have now become used to the what I call {greedy visits} Birthday and Holiday only visits and the random phone calls I insist on still scheduling and even call to confirm the day before and have my hubby call on a regular visit and let his son know that our door is always open when he chooses to use it But at home he has the freedom of no rules doped up Mommy and Stepfather that just let anything go on {they even drop the 14 yr old off at hotels with girls} So when he visits us and there are rules regular schedules etc he does not choose to come its a sad factor of life but I also feel helpless to the situation All you can do is let the child know you love them and your door is open when they choose to come I dont believe in bribing to visit with friends coming along, the trips etc

Kristine - posted on 02/09/2010

Thanks so much for everyones insight! I REALLY appreciate hearing from other mothers.

Mindy - posted on 02/06/2010

We went through the same thing at that age with his son and my husband chose to be the nice guy and not force visitation. Well guess what we never saw him for years. most times we only see him about 4 times a year now he is 22. I suggest sticking to your guns and dont give up his rights as a parent to have visitation. The daughter may be upset at first, but once she realizes this is what is expected of her she will come around. Also try to be considerate of her social life evan if she is with her dad on his weekend. Hope this helps

Tam - posted on 02/04/2010

bio moms are good at turning kids against step parents who truly want whats best for the child. Concentrate on your family and maybe when she realizes she is missing out on stuff she will change,(like i would take my own kids to a theme park and let her hear about it from an outside source on one of those times she cancels) otherwise you got a long road. ours is 19 and has not changed, still blames me for stuff she has no recollection of. I am not holding my life up over one step child. I agree you shouldnt have to buy them stuff and spoil them as it seems that is all step kids want these days they get. AND our kids do without cause first born gets priority. "I dont want to live here i want to live here", "i want to go to school here, i dont want to go to school at all," they are not the bosses, and thats the problem in society. People are letting kids call the shots, and their moms are filling their brains full of crap. I think you should drop the issue and act like you dont care if she comes, its obvious she doesnt care and her mother is not a good mother or she would want there to be a solid foundation with you and your kids as well as the father. Im really sorry you are going thru this. I thought for a long time i was the only one. I am glad for this group to vent in! Your husband could pull the old contempt card on his daughter and explain its a COURT ORDER, and if she doesnt come its like her mom is breaking the law.. That was a mistake we made to not getting the bio mom for contempt! They will put the parents in jail for not following the court order on visits, its no different than child support but you gotta do the court process, and we tried and tried and got fed up with the courts taking our damn money! we wasted money trying to get custody and had a good case and they still sided with the mom making us take joint custody and splitting time. time never got split right it was how her mom wanted it.

Sunessa - posted on 02/04/2010

we have the same problem, but my husband has been way too leniant from the beginning and now its like there is no going back. the bio mom in my situation hates my guts and loves when the girls want to skip a visit....sometimes we are lucky to see them once a month. just don't back down unless you are absolutely sure because one you set that presidence then its all over and its hard to change back. does the biomom give him alternate time to make up the visit?

Katie - posted on 02/02/2010

I have a 2yr old step daughter who lives with my husband and I. My situation is very different than yours, but I have learned that with our situation, there is no way for us ton have set plans or a set schedule. She is suppossed to go to her mom's every other weekend, but it depends on what mom wants to do that weekend, or if my SD is sick. I have learned that even though I may have had plans, sometimes they have to be rearranged. I also remember being 13, all I wanted to do was be with friends and do the opposite of what everyone wants. All you can do is keep trying so she knows you and your husband never gave up on seeing her. Or maybe see if she would like to bring a friend along.

Laura - posted on 02/02/2010

OMG....its sooo good to read all you ladies' responses and situations! (Now my time for venting - :-) ) I have 2 stepkids from hubby's 2 marriages b/f me. The younger was not quite 13 months when her mother died...she calls me mommy, and I love her to death, but she acts out quite a bit. She's almost 4, and we're taking her to a child psychologist. She's not the real problem though...it's the older boy. The oldest just turned 13, and I met him around his 11th birthday. We got on well enough until hubby asked me to marry him a few months later....the rest of that year he came over like twice, even though his court ordered visitation is 3 weekends a month. (When we found out Alex thought it was too soon for us to be getting married, I'd found out I was pregnant with our now 13 month old.) Biomom isn't helping either....she also wants to be a friend, not a parent....and her partner is another woman. The only male influence Alex has had for much of the time since hubby proposed is hs older stepbrother, who was showing him XXX stuff online. Alex DOES come over when he can go snowmobiling, but not just to be with his dad. He also wants to spend a weekend away with just his Dad, and has wanted to be with his sister and Dad, but not our baby and I. At one point we had offered to take him to counseling, but biomom said we could do it only during our times with him, not hers. What counselor is gonna work on the weekends??? (Alex also said that he wasn't the one who needed to go, but his dad, as his dad ignored his feelings....who gives their 11 year old veto power over a major decision the parent makes, like marriage?) Also, I was diagnosed with PPD this past summer, and my depression was lashing out not at hubby, but at the 3 year old...so now Alex says he doesn't like the way I treat his sister (even though with meds and counseling its gotten ALOT better). Hubby was sticking up for me and taking the high road, but lately he's become resentful and almost defiant about wanting to spend time with Alex away from here. I am totally at a loss...lots of tears and arguments, and nothing is resolved, and I'm scared its tearing us apart. (Yet at one time hubby said he was going to just focus on what he had with us, and not on Alex....that lasted all of under a week!)

Mindy - posted on 01/30/2010

Haven't had the chance to read through everything, but I would say that it's not his daughter's choice.......he IS the parent. Just make sure she gets to her activities, but she doesn't need to spend the night at whomever's house (or whatever)! It's his time with her and it's not right for HER to make that decision.....
Yes, she may be resentful, but if you let your child dictate what's going to happen, then you are not in charge anymore.....not trying to be mean, but he's gotta stand his ground and if there's some compromise that can be made, then do that, but honestly....don't let her run things!

Julie - posted on 01/30/2010

without reading other mom's advice, i can tell you what we do with my SS. He just became a teenager (yikes!!) and his attitude has flipped upside down. He went from wanting to be with us as much as possible to making excuses, just like your daughter. We have told him that we know he has a life, and friends, and if he wants to be with them, then he can..... for one night. We get him the other night. And we get him for the school holiday night, but he can go to his friends that day.... We split it up with him as evenly as we can. He is important to us, and we make sure he knows, but we also let him know that we respect his need to grow up. Good luck!

Isabel - posted on 01/27/2010

Tonya I like the way you think! I try to do the same but it hurts to see the children get hurt because biomom cannot act like an adult.. She also found a army man on the internet and teaches so she thinks she rules the world. She thinks there father owes her the world... Her being a mormon lady I cannot see how she can be so rude and disgusting at times with us and infront of the children and still go to church. The girls are 4 and 9 so ya we're stuck with biomom forever. But I to feel bad for the fathers that get mixed with no life fathers. My husband is a great father and wants nothing but good for his children. He even cares for my three boys like if they are his. But she would say different, that he is a cheater and left them with nothing and has no care for the kids which is sad. Even more sad is when she tells that to the girls. Ugh i to can go forever with this. It irritates me just thinking about it. And I dont need that. And I'm also happy to chat with you ladies it really helps to vent to others who know what i'm feeling.

Veronica - posted on 01/27/2010

I also have 13 & 12 yr old step kids. Here is how we work with them.... If they want to do something with friends friday night they call here to make sure its ok first & that we have nothing planned for them. If we are ok with it then they go. Say for instance they want to do something Sat.. they come Fri & then its decided if they go with thier friends Sat. We do usually allow them to go but they come back here when they are done unless of course its on Sunday when thier bio-mom comes & picks em up.
You are absolutely right about not having to plan fun things every time she comes. Not only that nobody knows what your personal finances are like & it does get costy doing things of that sort. Not sure if you guys would want to go this route but its a suggestion... If dad has court ordered visitation, keep documentation of how often this occurs. If this IS court ordered visitation, bio-mom can not allow her daughter to just not go! The "Standard order of visitation" states this... for children ages 3-13 Visitation is every other weekend from Fri after school till Sun plus one evening a week as parties may agree. For a child 14 & up, visitation is expected to take place weekly, with the days & time to be agrees upon between the child & non residential parent.
So, if you guys dont want to go the whole court route & making her abide by the weekend visitation, If you guys live close enough to each other, maybe try seeing when SHE would want to come over. Maybe she would be willing to come over a few nights out of the week, have dinner do her homework with you guys & go home to moms to sleep. I know he may be sad bc she doesnt want to see him as much but she is growing & becoming a young adult. Maybe trying this route would half way please everybody. She is doing her "friend thing" on the weekends but yet you & dad get to see her throughout the week!
Good Luck with everything!

Nikki - posted on 01/27/2010

Sounds so similar to what we went through! We fought and fought with them to keep their schedules, and looking back now, I don't know if it was worth it. Now that they're older (16 and 19), they come visit because they want to. We tell them when we have things going on, and we hope they can make it, and it's up to them. They usually come, but there were years when we just weren't important to them. We just started to assume they weren't going to come over, so it was a nice surprise if they showed up. It's hard though, I know. Just keep letting her know you're there, but try to avoid the conflict. And hang in there - it'll get better!

Tonya - posted on 01/26/2010

LOL, it is nice to have a place to vent with people who really understand what us step-moms go through. The biomom in our situation acts like she's mother of the year who is a teacher and who's new husband is a police office so she thinks she knows everything and her cop husband can back her. She also thinks she can do anything she wants because her husband is a cop. Plus, her new hubby is replacement dad. She has told my husband on numerous occassions that he should just sign his daughter away so her new hubby can adopt her. It kills my husband and it's so sad because my hubby is such a quiet guy who takes more aggravation than he should. We have the same custody arrangement, every other weekend. I love how the courts think that's acceptable. She does things like changes their daughters school which changes the schedule without even telling him, enrolling her in sports that completely screw up our plans, and so much more! I could go on for days. This is all why I decided long ago that I cannot let it effect my life and my children's. We have an 18 month old son and 1 on the way. I have plenty of other stuff to focus on and when she is an adult, she will see the terrible things her mother did. I just have to pray that that is really what will happen.

Kristine - posted on 01/26/2010

Thanks ladies for your comments I really appreciate them...andTonya your right..I have to just concentrate on my own family and let things go that I cant control. When shes an adult she will realize that her dad tried getting her and was doing the best that he could 4 days a month. Its really too bad that the world works this way. The good fathers are bunched all together in a group with the "sperm donors" or the "paycheck dads" and its really not fair. My heart honestly goes out to the fathers that dont get to have control. The biomom puts herself in the way and really honestly doesnt let the kid have a true father daughter relationship, because anytime he tries to teach her his values and puts down his rules the biomom calls yelling and telling him that he has no say in how she is raised. It really sucks Oh and heaven forbid the kids dad try to have his own life... than he gets blamed for starting a new happy family. Sad sad... I really hate that Ok another venting:) Sheesh everytime I get on here I start going off on other issues:) Thanks for listening.. this is a great place to talk with people in my same situation!!

Tonya - posted on 01/26/2010

Kristine - I have a 9 year old step-daughter who's biomom would love it if she started saying she didn't want to come over. Luckily we haven't gotten to the friend stage yes because her mom is more interested in taking her to every happy place there is on earth! We are exactly like you guys. We shouldn't have to plan something fun every time she is with us and even in court ordered parenting classes one of the main points is "don't be the disneylan parent" which is exactly what her mother is. I hate to say it but you will ether need to enforce the paperwork and tell her she is coming regardless of her excuses or let her stay home and miss out on your family life. I decided long ago that I need to focus on my immediate family and our children together. It's unfortunate that the biomoms act this way. They have no idea what they are doing to the child. Good luck and you only have 5 more years to go! I have 8, (sigh).

Deborah - posted on 01/26/2010

Kristine-
You sound like you know what you're doing! Just keep it up. She may hate you know, but when shes older and has been through more she'll see the lessons you were trying to teach her. Good luck. Don't let her change you. You're completely right if this has been going on for six year! Tough luck little princess, there are different rules everywhere you go! I have seen what happens to the products of "friendship" parenting. It sucks. I work with cadets, and sometimes it will take them four years to realize they have to listen, or leave! And these are teenagers!
Stay true to your self!

Kristine - posted on 01/25/2010

I see where you are coming from but this has been going on for 6 years and we shouldnt have to plan something fun everytime she comes. Thats the thing I dont agree with is that she needs to come into our lives as they are and we shouldnt have to put on an act of playtime for her. Our own kids dont get that everyday. And the friend thing...she LIVES with her friends..she gets to come and go at her moms house and she litterally spends 9 out of 10 days with her friends..so it is dads rule that no friends come with her..she is supposed to spend time away from freinds when she comes here. I just dont think that our parenting should change when shes around. I do remember being 13..I fought my parents to hang out with my friends but my parents didnt let me do what I wanted all the time. Thats what parents are for arent they? to make you do the things that u necessarily dont want to do but is good for you. Honestly its a battle, we are strict structure parents and her mom is a friend parent and lets her run her own life. I dont think there is any way to solve this problem. Dad and I will always be the bad guys as long as we stick by our parenting. Thanks for letting me vent deborah

Deborah - posted on 01/25/2010

Hmmm 13 eh? Do you remember what that was like? Ohh boy good luck!



Maybe you guys can start planning things that she's interested in? Ask her to invite one of her friends to stay with her on your weekends and do a movie night, or a camping trip. Think about concerts if she likes them. Find things that your husband and step daughter share as a common interest then use those things to make the visit more appealing to her.

I'm not saying become a disneyland dad, but some people just don't like to be away from home. I can't stand to stay away from my home, even on vacation!

Don't force her. She'll become resentful and fight harder. Talk to her and try to find out why she doesn't like to be away from her moms place. It may be something easy to solve!

Good luck!