Stay Friends with Ex unless there is abuse

Marjorie - posted on 01/23/2010 ( 5 moms have responded )

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Everyone has different parenting styles and sometimes hard to keep mouth shut. But remember in the end the children suffer when ther is hatred. My Hub and me stayed close with Ex wife Now 32 years later still celebrate Xmas with Ex and Step son and Step Grands. At Stepson wedding shocked when His Ex hd me introduced as His mother also. I feel blessed I not only Have our combined children and grand hildren But I also have my Stepson children in my life. Resident babysitter lol. I also always made sure i took a back seat to his Mom in their Lifes . She moved several states away and At Christmas Thanked me for being there for them. Stepson well adjusted and very happy. I have a family member that has gone thru court system and fighting constantly with Ex Lousy communication. There 1 kid is a mess The other seems self centered but could be the age Teenagers.

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Marjorie - posted on 01/29/2010

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I think your problem is your Hub He probably wants to keep peace at all cost. Probably yours. You are not obligated to take care of his daughter. IThe roof might blow but I wouldnt care . Second You always have her leave with clothes on She came with. You dont need to give her money thats his obligation I would make sure I never have cash on me on the weekend Lol. I also kept my independence I have my own checking acct I always handled the grocerys and an occasional bill gas misc depending on what was going on. When He needed school clothing I would take him. We always bought his clothes but tee me off we are going home. I treated him like I treated my own kids tho. If one got They all got. The best was when He was suspended from School and Mom sent to us cuz I wasnt working wouldnt let him watch what he wanted on tv I picked the worse shows When friends came ard refused to let them in. He called his Mom crying When She got upset I said Hell never be suspended again I was right. I can tell u half a dozen stories abt how I did creative punishments. I can also tell u how many times I went to bat for him too. Beleive me my Hub wasnt happy many times. But He also knew I was creative If I turn on hot water when your taking shower you get cold shower Oh so sorry Honey I also never said your kid this or that. If he did something to upset me I just said Hes yours and walked away. After abt a year They both got the message. I remeber one weekend We had him He went got drunk I was working didnt know But He knew I would do something The next morning made a big breakfast He started getting sick. Years later asked me how I knew He had psyched himself out to the point of geting sick. As far as calling Mom I wouldnt care. As far as going to Hub work I would have had a few words with him If He blamed me. In the end He didnt mess with me But dang did he give his Dad garbage . But I felt that was his Dads problem. Actually at one point He moved in with us . I gave hima chore list for money came home early one day found out dad was doing his chores I had given him my firebird But It was still in my name Bye Bye car for 2 weeks. It was my car from b4 We got married. But the truth is I love my stepson

Marjorie - posted on 01/29/2010

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Oh My stepson hated me. One day at outside calling me a whore and numerous things.
My neighbor came over to try to stop him I then told him He had to stay outside till his father came home. I would not tolerate it. His mom called about it I told her what happened Then He went to school and said He coouldnt do his homework cuz I kicked him out He was 9 I knew his teacher Lol She called to tell me What He was pulling.Also another time He became fresh I kicked him out of my car at store Called His dad told him to pick him up. I watched him to be sure He was safe froma distance. But also when something happened I was there even if He was not nice to me. One time while He was playing someone watching neighbors apt became angry cuz wiffle ball hit window.The man made a real bad mistake in screaming at my stepson. Another time He was blamed for taking bike He didnt take. I researched and found out who. Then when Mother still blamed him I had a few words with her. After time I became closer when He finally realized his Mom and Dad were never etting back together. My best puishments were Im not doing anything for u cuz you arent respectful One time made his favorite dinner But since I made and He was nasty to me I told his dad u make him dinner or give him him a sandwich I have only enuff for me Oh well His Dad also learned a lesson. I was not going to be treated like that.

Rebecca - posted on 01/28/2010

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"sometimes it feels like having an enemy spy in your life' - I can SOOOOO relate. We only have my 11 year old SD EOW. DH & I have been together nearly 8 long difficult years. DH had been single for 1 year before we met. About 6 months after we got together BM found herself a man & was with him for a couple of years. All was great until they split. SD didn't cope & ended up in counselling (which she demanded we pay half for cos we had a baby, she blamed us for SD being unsettled even though DD was 4 months old by then). BM sent SD to our house with a diary to write down everything that happened/she did at our house over the weekend. TOTAL invasion of my privacy. Now every time SD is staying with us (even if its only for 2 nights) she rings her mother every night to tell her what we have all been up to for the day. I have tried to work with BM but she just totally takes advantage. She will use anyone she can in order to save herself money but you never get any thanks & she never even turns up on time to pick up SD or anything. Recently I sent home a note with SD asking that BM return her 'dads house clothes' as we were running out again. BM treated it like I had threatened to kill her or something. She went to DHs work & totally lost the plot.



I have no say in any part of SDs life yet I am expected to want her around, to love her to fork out money hand over fist etc etc etc. So in answer to the title,'stay friends unless there is abuse', it takes 3 very mature adults for this to work, adults who will not try to manipulate & adults who can show respect to the others they are dealing with.

Kristine - posted on 01/25/2010

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Yes that is good advice...but it all depends on what kind of person the ex is... I have tried being kind and have always taken a back seat when it comes to my SD... but her biomom has a "threat to the public" on her record... She is very confrontational and everything I do she has a problem with. Its hard but Im always acting as the bigger person and keeping my mouth shut and just taking everything that gets dealt to me... The hardest part about it is now my SD is a teenager and she is feeding her mother things that are very twisted. So instead of it being just one person to have to deal with I now have 2 people against me and I have to allow 1 of them into my home every once in a while when she feels like coming over. Sometimes it feels like having an enemy spy into your life. Its very hard to not let everything hit me personally. I know she is a kid but I honestly do not understand why she intends on hurting her father the way she does... He is so torn. OK just some venting:) thanks for listening

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