behavior problems, reasonable punishments for 1 year old?

Suzi - posted on 04/15/2013

Personally I'm in no doubt than infrequent, non-bruising spanking does no harm. And since you've tried everything else that's probably what you need to add to your "arsenal" of measures.

Amy - posted on 09/16/2012

The word No is over used. SHe is 1. Use Please don't touch that...if she is touching the stove say Ouchies don't touch. If she is doing something she shouldn't be then distract her.



She is learning. Everything she does and sees and says and touches is a learning experience. WOuld you listen if someone always said no to you and you had no idea why they were saying it?

Erica - posted on 10/27/2011

I suggested this to another woman who was having problems with her son. Although he was 2 this concept may work with her. Whatever she enjoys the most take it away from her and tell her that only good girls get to do this, whatever the activity or toy is. I have done this with my son, whos 2.5 yrs now, and its been working great. He knows that when hes bad I take his cars away from him and he gets 1 back for everyday he is good. Let her help with the baby as well, let her feel like a big girl. Best of luck and God Bless!

Sherine - posted on 10/25/2011

My grandson is going to be 2 next month and when he does something he is told no & he knows what that means we also say stop. He will do it over and over he hates time out but still he doesnt learn what keeps him outa time out.its so frustrating. he throws things, bites my 10 yo & my 5 yo. he slaps pushes teases, spits, gets into things I never even that existed in my house LOL! I dont know I really need to find out if something is wrong. I am not the push over I am what my kids call me as the mean grandma which is ok bcuz I have to keep on him so that he will at some point get it. I have 8 kids 4 are adults and 2 teens a 10 yo 5 yo and a 2 month ol granddaughter. My grandson has been this way since he was born he cried and cried he was unconsoleable. I hope somebody can help me lead me in a direction or something

Heather - posted on 09/13/2011

Stick to your guns. When you say no, you mean NO. Do time outs, ignore the tantrums that follow. YOU are the parent so YOU make the rules. She needs to learn to respect you. Don't spank or hit because that's considered to be abuse now (I was spanked as a kid and I turned out fine so IDK). Don't remove the situation if there is no danger to it. That has to be the dumbest thing I hear from people. You know what that'll do? NOTHING. She will just find something ELSE to throw fits over. Kids are smarter than they are given credit for. Re-arranging your life piece by piece just to please your daughter will only make you miserable (potentially even start resentment against her for having to alter your life drastically) and you will end up with an empty house and a toddler that continues to scream for no reason. Not trying to be mean, but if you just remove the situation from her she will find other things to get mad about. It's the toddler 'tudes. One day you will laugh with her about how silly she acted over these things and how you thought you were about to lose your marbles. But don't bend and flex to your child's every demand. THAT is quite silly considering they are always screaming and throwing tantrums about something, and most of the time they don't even know why. Ask her in about ten years from now and she won't even REMEMBER it! Being a parent does NOT involve being a push over. Letting her get her way because she didn't have to hear no because MOMMY changed the situation since SHE didn't like being told no will not make it stop. It will make it worse. Kids are controlling at this age and parenting is NOT easy! Giving in because you don't feel like listening to the whining means you aren't being the rock she needs to fall back on. She'll get over the "no" thing when she's 30 or so. :) Until then, everyone can survive a tantrum and she can survive the near-death experience that is saying "no" to a toddler.

Sam - posted on 09/12/2011

i no its going to sounds werid but everytime my son did it i just didnt pay any attention to him at all and within 1-10 days he stopped doing it because toodlers wants attention weather its bad or good they dont care if u just pay attention to it they stop knowing they are now getting nothing in return.

Crystal - posted on 09/07/2011

Wow.. you do have your hands ful but you are right she is feeling frustrated and does not yet know how to tell you. When you have two children that close together it is similar to having twins. You are right not to hit her and if you show her frustration she will only become more frustrated. Do you have someone that could come over and help you? If so that would be a starting point. She does not understand why you cannot focus on her so include her. make a time where you can all three sit together and read a story. This wont last but a minute because neither of them have long attention spans. If bottle feed the baby let her help and talk calmly to her about her new brother. She may not have the words to answer but she will understand the kind words. Let her know what you need to do ask her if she needs something or if she can help you. Start picking up her toys and ask her to help then ask her to finish while you feed or take care of the baby. Include her whentaking care of the baby.. help her clean his face or sing him a song. She will probably get bored and get down but you included her therefore she is not feeling left out. My two youngest boys were this close they even had their own language. One took the others pacifier and bottle even though he had not had one for months. She just needs to know that she is just as important and including her is the best way to help her.

Kathleen - posted on 08/25/2011

We've always done time out, rarely spank our son. If she won't stay in a time out spot, which she didn't at her age, she was put in her crib. We'd walk out of the room and return 1 minute late. We also do a minute per age. She'll get it if you continue to put here there, if she gets out put her back.

Renee - posted on 08/20/2011

Well, I ran a daycare for almost 10 years and had a license for 6 children, ALL were no older than 3, most around your daughter's age. You can imagine how crazy the daycare COULD get, but I handled discipline in a very effective way. Of course, I could never lay a hand on them since I was a licensed daycare and that's illegal. What I did was if the action was dangerous, I would say no one time, then time out for a minute per year. I would repeat this over and over until they got it and didn't want to sit in time out while the other kids played. Sometimes, if I was juggling an infant (like you are) or making lunch on days my assistants had off (when I was licensed for 8, I needed to hire an assistant when I was full). Then they would be plopped into the playpen in front of me and I would ignore their crying to get out completely. No eye contact or facial expressions. Now, if they did something like take a toy or touch a breakable item, not a safety issue, I would re-direct with another object while saying, "You can't have this, but you CAN play with this if you want to." or "This is a no, but let's go find you something fun that you can play with, ok?" Big smiles, etc. You must know it's for attention. Even when you only have one child, getting everything done is tough. Make up a priority to do list. For instance, the house does not have to gleam all the time, people visiting understand that's not possible. Also, other chores around the home like dinner and mowing the lawn can be easily remidied so the children get your attention but you get things done. For instance, find some really easy and quick meals to make that don't have to be watched non-stop. I used to place my son in his pack-n-play in the center of our yard when I mowed the lawn and make funny faces each time I passed him. He LOVED that! My husband was career military and often deployed (he's retired-disabled now due to a roadside bomb blowing up his vehicle while in the convoy to go home after an 18 month tour! Everyone is alive, and he isn't missing limbs, just has non stop pain and PTSD now and can't work so they retired him). ANYWAY, at first, you will be more exhausted as she learns the rules perminantly, but after a couple of weeks, she'll understand and it won't be a big deal anymore.

The only time I spanked my daughter was when she was 2. We were at the mall on Christmas Eve. It was pouring rain, I had our infant son in one hand and was juggling holding her hand, my keys, and our packages in the other. In the parking lot, she broke free and I was able to drop everything and sweep her up before a car hit her in the parking lot! Freaked me right out. I spanked her diapered butt once and yelled at her, "Never do that to Mommy ever again! Cars can hurt you! That's a NO!" Was able to get into the car while she was crying since she had never been yelled at nor spanked and was in shock. In the car, I was still shaking and used a very loud voice all the way home. I'm not proud of that, but I'll tell you this, she's almost 16 years old now and if you tell her "careful, there are cars here!" she will freeze and look everywhere before moving! She does not remember the incident, of course, but something stuck in her brain about cars hurting you. She used to even plaster herself against any car parked if I said there were cars and to be careful, hold Mommy's hand! It stuck because I never yelled or spanked her before or since (well, with the exception of her teenage hormone rants, ugh).

If you are married, don't forget that you are a team and even if he works and you are home, he can help with some stuff (he had a part to play in making your children too!). If you are single, maybe a relative can assist or a friend? You also need to leave the kids now and then and have alone time just for you! Even with a full daycare and a husband overseas with 2 little ones of my own, I found a way to have time to myself! Once a friend took them to the movies for me so I could actually grocery shop ALONE! That was the best 2 hours ever. People without kids or someone to watch the kids don't understand, but if you are a single mom, military wife, or not close to family, you will understand my joy :-).

Most important is CONSISTANCY! Our 2 year old daughter used to climb out of her crib thinking it was funny, made me nuts so I did a weird thing. After 5 times of no expression on my face saying "time for bed" then just no words and placing her back into bed, I actually made sure pillows were all over the floor so she was not hurt, told her "all done, time for bed means time for bed" placed her in the crib, went out of her room and held the door from the other side. She was not unsafe, but BOY was she P O'd! Woah! She threw a huge tantrum yelling, "You a BRAT MOMMY!" at me. She finally (after 3 days of this where she would exhaust herself screaming until she fell asleep on the floor), she understood that when we put her to bed, that was it. No problems after that and her door stayed open.

STAY STRONG!

Lisa - posted on 08/17/2011

To save a few words , I agree fully with Adrienne. I would also include do not confuse abuse with discipline. if a child is doing something they arent supposed to, that is dangerous or not culturally acceptable it is our duty as moms to ensure they understand they learn it is not ok. 5 key points that work no matter what the age, 1 tell them briefly what the action or behavior is they need to stop ie Stop hitting your brother withthe toy...2 tell them briefly why it is not ok... ie you could hurt him, get hurt yourself or break the toy. 3 remove the situation with object or thier removal or both ie take toy away and put child in minute per year old time out. 4. remind why in time out ie your in time out because you hit your brother with the toy and that could hurt him. 5. reinforce good behavior ie Im glad that your playing nice with your toy on the floor. These methods will blend together and work with age appropriate examples, like going to your room vs time out, but the basic principle stays the same. Establishing a no nonsense tone and a swat occasionally that gets attention but does not hurt is necesary with younger children especially in dangerous situations like parking lots or hot ovens. It has been my experience that if you are not firm with safety boundaries from the start then establishing other less dangerous but equally important boundaries will become much more difficult. As for the fits.... They are embarassing, inopprotune and frustrating, I know.... heres the deal, your child is doing this for 2 reasons 1 she is trying to communicate something she doesnt quite understand how to and 2 she using them to control what you do to get what she wants. All kids do it and depending on your reaction is how far they will take it. What you do is get on thier level and ask whats wrong. If you can figure out they have an owie, hungry or tired then thats easy enough. if you find they are throwing a fit because they want a candy bar in the store and you told them no then this is what you do. Be firm and say no again. tehn Momma said no and if they continue step away from them telling them thier behavior is inappropriate and it needs to stop. then distract them with activity song or point out something interesting in te vacinity and ignore the behavior. DO NOT GIVE THEM THE no ITEM. If it continues and your comfortable with leaving then leave. In extreem situations (Ive had to do this only once, but drove my point home) your already thouroughly embarssaed so make the most of it and throw a bigger fit yourself saying what ever it is you want to do like shop with well behaved children. I garentee the shock of your fit will stop them dead in thier tracks. Hungry tired children are more likely to misbehave, so keep a healthy snack and drink on hand and plan around thier nap routine as much as possible. All children need to learn no meand no, whether that means a gentle pop on the had or firm emergancy tone or time out, discipline is intended to teach apropriate behvior and problem solving skills that better prepares them for other life situations and good choices. be firm be consistant and be in control. DO NOT be afraid of disciplining your children be confident in your own choices and know you are teaching and protecting them. If you feel guilty dont let it show and save them for personal time because children figure out how to use those feelings of insecurity to get what they want and the sooner you nip that in the bud the better off you will be and better relationship will develope with your children. There is no manual but you have lots of experienced moms here willing to support you and give you strength through all the good and bad. God bless and good luck. off soapbox

Jessica - posted on 08/10/2011

I know how you feel. I have a 6 year old step daughter that doesn't understand the word "NO" and I have no idea to help. But if you get any good suggestions, please let me know?

Clara - posted on 07/05/2010

Reasonable punishment - I doubt that !!



When you really love some-one, you dont have a need to manipulate, punish, bribe or even control them. You learn to grow with them and gently guide them.



Why do we feel the need to dominate and control them, a child is like having a master teacher, if you are willing grow and learn with them.



The feeling of loosing control, cannot be alleviated by controlling?? Reaching breaking point, means that it is your own hurt that has to be dealt with, what is really coming up for you at this stage ?



Our children cannot be held responsible for past hurts ?

Clara - posted on 07/05/2010

Behavior is usually a symptom that something else is going on ??

Our childhood seems to come out when we become parents! Have you really dealt with what is happening inside, the fear, the guilt, the pain, when faced with these situations?

I had to learn to not react to my daughter, but the engage her in a joyful loving way.

http://naomialdort.com/articles.html

Alfreda - posted on 07/03/2010

For the 19 month old who climbs out of things, do you have her in a toddler bed? Put a child proof know protecter on. She will be stuck in her room. She may cry for th first week, but just go in every 10 or 15 min, put her back in bed say "dodo" or whatever word you use for sleep, then walk away and close the door. I did this for my kids when they were 6 months. It took 1 week of a consistent bedtime routine, then we would put them in bed and they would stay and play until they fell asleep.

Alfreda - posted on 07/03/2010

I have an 18 month old and time out works really well for her, although she only began to understand the concept a few months ago. Now you ask her, "Do you want a timeout?" and she will say no, or begin to cry. So we say, "Will you be nice" and she says "Oui (yes)" and will stop the bad action. Around one, if she is playing with something she is not suppose to, we would take it away, and let her have a temper tantrum on the floor.Then we would ignore her during her tantrum, and when she was finished she comes for hugs and kisses. We put her in the corner. She keeps trying to come out, we keep putting her back in. We use the term time out for her so she made the association. I think it took 3 months for her to understand the term. If I was holding her and she hit me, I would put her down say "Don't hit. Bobo!" and ignore her for a while. Then I would say "Will you be nice?", and she would nod her head and so back to cuddling. With my three year old she was more stubborn. She is really bad now. If I tell her time out, she will run around the house making me catch her. So I tell her, you did X the punishment is Y, take your punishment or you can go in your room. She use to have something on her door knob to prevent her from coming out at night and falling down the stairs as we do not have a gate at the top of the stairs. If she comes out of her room during punishment, we put it back on and she can't come out of her room. She bangs the door and has a temper tantrum, and I wait until she is quiet. Then I open the door again and ask if she will be nice. Both kids are made to apologize and give kisses to the party they offended. I always try and explain why they are punished, even if they don't talk yet and you are not sure how much they understand. We are really working to have consistent punishments for certain crimes. With my three year old we will make her repeat back what she did to make sure she understands. I will also try and catch her before she does something bad or on a first offense and say, "If you do that what will happen?" If she refuses to answer the question, I will tell her the punishment for X is Y, so if you do that I will do this. My husband and I agree on the punishments so we always do the same things. That way they know what to expect. I usually give one or two chances depending on the crime. For violent acts or deliberate means act I am quite strict. If you hit, you are punished immediately. Now with the three year old she is learning to tell time so I tell her you can come out of the corner when the big hand is on the 5. I find that helps a lot.

Amy - posted on 06/29/2010

Give her more credit...make a spot and sit with her in time out, not holding her but making her sit and repeating it until she does. keep your voice low and calm and continue to make her sit reguardless of the fit going on....it does not bother you you are in control. When she sits still for ten seconds or so ask for an I am sorry settle for a hug and go on, repeat to her or him when you calm down you may get up, it works, it is not fun, but it works on my 18 month old who is violent and down right mean, she knows what is going on.

Stacie - posted on 06/28/2010

I am glad I read this post. I have a 19 month old preemie who should really be 16 months. I hate trying to discipline her, because she has had such a hard beginning in life. I am now experiencing biting ( she does only to me) and I cannot put her in bed, a walker, or her highchair or leave her alone period, because she will climb out. Bedtime she is constantly trying to recieve my attention and will not lay down. It takes about 3-45 minutes tro get her to go to sleep, walking or sitting outside only makes her more awake. So I will try the time out rule. Thank you all for sharing that your 19 month olds will do time out it shows that it is not too early to begin.

Margaret - posted on 06/28/2010

Hi, I have just started to use the time out method and it does work. But we put our son in his room and close the door for 1.5mins when I ask if he knows why I put him in his room he says yes. When I ask him to say sorry he gives me a big hug.. I used to give Oscar a smack but I have learnt that if we hit them they think hitting is okay as we do it. I have since stopped and used the timeout istead and it works better than a smack. Oscar is 19 months and know now what is right and wrong to a certin degree.

Melissa - posted on 06/28/2010

i agree with tina's input. But you have to stick with it or she'll won't get it..

Angela - posted on 06/27/2010

My 19 month old son is the same way. He has always been very temperamental but we taught him what NO means at a very early age and now listens well except usually when he's tired or hungry. If he is doing something wrong we tell him "No, James, don't __________" and if he does it again than we tell him "James, if you __________again then you will sit in timeout" and usually he will stop. But there are always those times where he just doesn't want to listen and so we have a corner in our living room that we will sit him in and we always make sure to explain why he's putting him in timeout and then we leave him there for 1 full minute. If he gets up we put him back (sometimes over and over and over and over again) and if he trys to play with something than we take it away. Once his minute is up we go to him and remind him why he was in timeout and then ask him to say he's sorry (even though he can't talk yet we feel it's important for him to know that he has to apologize) then we ask him for a hug and a kiss. He usually does really well with this and rarely needs a second timeout in the same day. We really didn't think that he would sit in timeout in the beginning but felt that we'd already tried everything else. The first time we gave him a timeout he sat there with no problem whatsoever. I don't believe more than a minute is necessary because if they sit there too long than they forget why they are there. I believe that 1 minute per year of age is plenty so he will switch to 2 minutes in November.

Becky - posted on 06/27/2010

I have a 19 month old as well. I totally agree with Cassie in that, while it is important to learn and understand no, it is more important for children to learn yes. Think of how frustrating it must be to hear "no" all the time, all day long. Thats bound to cause meltdowns. I use Love & Logic, and I recommend the book Love and Logic for Early Childhood. It teaches the "uh-oh" song. Basically, when the child is misbehaving, just sing "uh-oh" and remove the offending object or move the child. I don't personally use time-outs until after the age of 2, but if it is used as a redirection instead of a punishment, that could certainly work.



What I've found most helpful is to make my home as child-friendly as possible so that most of what they can reach is okay for them to reach. That eliminates a lot of "no's." Also, it will help to re-word your requests for little things and save "no" for real no-nos. If you can change most of the "no don't" to "do this instead" she will feel a lot less frustrated, and soon you will too :)

Victoria - posted on 06/27/2010

hi, i dont think she can use the excuse of having a new little brother, i have a 19month little boy and have just had a little girl 5 weeks ago. my little boy also laughs at the word no and has a tantrum when i take him away from what ever or take something off him he shouldnt have but i just leave him to it and walk away and ignore him. after about 1.5 minutes he gets bored and starts playing. he is normally really good but he has his moments and i dont think it would hurt her to have a little slap on the hand or bum. big difference between that and what you went through i would imagine. hope this helps.

Ashley - posted on 06/26/2010

time out usually works.. I usually set my daughter on the couch or in a certain area and if she gets up I keep putting her in the same stop until she finally sits until I say its okay.. she has a really bad temper and loves throwing fits when she doesnt get her way.. If we're out in public I tell her she's going home if she can't behave and if she continues to act up we go home. She's learning but it takes time.

Tracey - posted on 06/25/2010

I love time out. My son now understands sentence "you will go to your room" and will stop whatever he is doing almost instantly. He still tests me on occassion and get a 2 minute time out in his room. I was told not to use the cot as it assosciates bad behaviour with sleep but I just put him on a mat in his room and shut the door. He screams and then is an angel on release. good luckl!

Natasha - posted on 06/25/2010

i always use the naughty step i simply sit my son on the naughty step for a minute n he calms down and continues to play nicely when his times up. ive found that you need to keep putting him back if he moves and always explain why you have put him there and not forgetting a kiss and cuddle when his times up,

Cassie - posted on 06/25/2010

Try telling your daughter what you want her to do verses the word "no" Kids need to learn the word no but they also have to respect it. If we use it too often it tends to be ignored. So if you use it sparingly then your children will pay more attention to it when it is needed. Make sense? For instance: if she is throwing something instead of no, ask her to keep the object in her hands. Or if she is getting into somthing you don't want her to ask her to come help you. This kinda covers up the idea that you are telling her no.

Toni - posted on 06/24/2010

after a few mins in the playpen, he is happy & done with his tantrum. he knows why he's in there. It has helped out alot. give it a try. if you havn't implemented the time out it may take a while for her to get it though.

Toni - posted on 06/24/2010

my son did that a little bit..when he acts up & doesnt listen to no, i put him in his playpen for 10 mins & shut the door behind me. he doesnt like it, but he knows that i was being serious & now he's in a time out. when I go get him he has had time to cool off & relax. I've done that since he was 11 months & started running all over the house gettin into trouble.

Stephanie - posted on 06/23/2010

The trick with the time out thing is beating them to getting up...even if they sit for 10 seconds...the older they get you can make it longer...work up to it! if they think that you are in charge (which you are and should be) and you tell them to get up, they get the picture...

Shelly - posted on 06/21/2010

I would give the time-out a try for sure!! We started at 13 months and both my boys responded well. Even if she doesn't "fully" understand it, she will learn that if she does not listen she will have to sit there...we give one warning (no hitting, or you will go to the time-out chair) if they don't listen, strait to the chair they go! My 19 month old sits for 2 minutes. We have a timer next to him and he knows he must sit until the bell rings. Some times just a threat of it will get his attention and he will stop his behavior :)

Doneisha - posted on 06/19/2010

You would be surprised that time out does work. i have a 19 month old who has been attending day care and they implement the timeout and it has helped me at home. You have to stand firm though, it doesn't work if you give in to that ridiculously adorable face.

Adrienne - posted on 06/19/2010

Distraction works well, but your daughter does need to learn the word no and what it means, so even if she is laughing at you now, she is still learning the meaning. My son does this, I still tell him no, remove him from the situation, and distract him with something else. The laughing spells are getting fewer and fewer as he learns its not a funny word. Time out works well, but I wouldn't use the crib/bedroom as a timeout space. You don't want that space to be associated with punishment, but with good things, or you might start having sleepling problems too. I personally am not opposed to smacking my childs hand when he is reaching for something or doing something that could cause him harm and I also was in an abusive home. It gives them a small shock and allows them to pay attention to you (and it doesn't really hurt them, just surprises them enough for them to stop). Changing your tone of voice works also, I have started counting to 3, then if he hasn't stopped whatever behavior I don't the choice is removed for him. He has started responding really well with this also.
Whatever you do, remember that consistency is key, and whatever you choose, just stick with it and it will start working! I would also get a few books on strong-willed children. James Dobson has a good one, and the What to Expect-the toddler years is good too.

Laura - posted on 06/18/2010

hi my son is 19 months and also disregards the word no with a laugh and carries on what he is doing. The thing i think works best for us is to simply say no in a deep-ish voice and simply take him away from whatever it is and distract him with something else.

Christine - posted on 06/17/2010

With my daughter I tell her no and remove her from whatever she is doing and try to show her something else to do. Sometimes she just wants to help me with what I am doing and just does not know how, like when I am folding laundry. For bad behaviors, like when she experiemented with biting, I spoke in a very firm voice and put her in time out in her crib for a few minutes.

Kristi - posted on 06/16/2010

Have you tried a time out at all? Works great for us (I think more because it makes me son stop what he is doing ... usually for him it a matter of needing to re-direct attention, not so much as a punishment ...)

Tina - posted on 06/16/2010

Try taking her out of the 'no' situation. If she is doing something wrong and you say no yet she ignores you, simply remove her from it. Just remember to tell her why you moved her.
good luck!