Having a second baby without so much help from hubby - any tips on managing

Rebecca - posted on 02/09/2011 ( 12 moms have responded )

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Hi,
My husband isn't keen on having a second baby. He's worried about the time it takes. He's focused on his career at the moment.
I've got a two year old and I'd like to have a second child soon so they're not too far apart. I'm 37 so I also don't want to wait too long for that reason.
He has agreed to us having another one after I said I would do all the extra work involved with having another baby, including all the getting up in the middle of the night.
I'm wondering if anyone has had a similar experience and can offer any tips on managing a new baby and a toddler without much help from hubby! I'm sure there are plenty of single mums out there that have it down pat.
Rebecca.

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Erin - posted on 02/13/2011

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I am married with two boys. One is 27 months the other is 6 months. I am a SAHM. We did plan the 2nd baby. Just make sure you will not have any resentment towards him for not helping. I get no help with the kids or the house. It is hard, and very frustrating when they can't be troubled to watch the kids while you go to the store (maybe just me lol) or change a diaper now and then. Also is frustrating being a SAHM when your working husband thinks he does so much more than you on a daily basis.

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Rebecca - posted on 04/25/2011

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Hi Jen,
I think it's important for both people to get what they need out of a relationship. I think my hubby's main concern is the time he needs to spend on a second child, and if I can help out more on that front, I'm hoping it will be a compromise that works. We are working toward having number two now and our relationship is great. He is very supportive. I am also very supportive of helping him to find time to pursue his goals. So I think it will be a win win and I think he will love number two just as much as number one.

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Do you really think it's fair to have another child if he doesn't want one? Would it be fair if you really didn't want another child and he kept insisting that you get pregant anyway?

Olivia - posted on 04/25/2011

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Although my hubby was eager for us to have a family, in order for me to stay home with our kids, he had to work long days/weeks so essentially when our 2nd was born I was feeling like a single mom but thankfully have a large family living nearby so we were able to have their help. It wasn't that he didn't want to help out, he just couldn't due to his work schedule; he did "relieve" me of baby care whenever he was home which I think is only fair in all situations. It was and sometimes still is a lot of stress but to me it's been definitely worth it, we now have 3 little boys (6, almost 4 & almost 2) and his work schedule & pay have gotten much better as he's advanced through his career.
I would caution you though to consider how you will feel towards your husband when you are sleep-deprived and frustrated and how it will affect your relationship that he thinks another baby is too much work; also how does he expect to bond with his 2nd child if he never does any of the "work"? Truthfully if my DH had ever said anything like this to me it would probably have raised some flags, whether you have 1 kid or more, there is always going to be extra work. Good luck!

Lindsy - posted on 04/25/2011

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I was a single mom with one for 4 years and now that I'm married and have three kids I really don't see any difference. He will change the babies if I'm otherwise occupied , but when it comes to most things I have to poke and prod him. Yeah there are some dads that are hands on but I don't know of any.All you can really ask yourself is how bad do you want it?And if you aren't getting that much help out of dad as it is already then what difference will another child make?

Tammarah - posted on 02/22/2011

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Hi,
I have a 26 mnth old boy and a 4 mth old girl. My husband leaves home at 5am and gets home at 6pm. I am studying part-time while at home and am going back to work next week. I get up to both our kids I feed them both, basicaly I do it all. I have also been a single mum while working part time and studying part time.
To put it simply if you want it bad enough you do it. It is ruff going at first but it you get your first born to help you and have a structure it can be done, if you want to.
Tammy

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I am not a single mom - but it seems like it sometimes. My husband travels for his job and sometimes is not even home on the weekends. Now, I know that my situation is different as I have twin girls. But I so pray that once the new baby comes, that his mind has changed a little bit, because there are days that you are just going to need a break...whether it is you are tired, or you are frustrated because the baby is colicky - you are going to need a break, even single mom's need a break and will pay a babysitter for that break (or ask family to help for that break). In the end it all has to be what you are comfortable doing. If you go into the pregnancy with eyes wide open and no expections at least you know exactly what you are in for!

Alexandra - posted on 02/17/2011

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we have a 2 year old, a 1 year old, and a baby due in june. i think the first years are the worse, work wise. i believe we just have to keep at it for now, and then later on it will be easier. my hubby is also like that, he doesn't want to do much work, but i feel he does what he can, which is sweet. and somehow i convinced him that these years are really the worse, haha.

Louise - posted on 02/11/2011

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I am not a single mum but I did raise my boys single handedly as my husband like yours was a career man. The deal was I would get up sunday to thursday and do the night feeds and my husband would get up Friday and Saturday and do the night feeds so I would have two full night sleeps a week. He was then able to get enough sleep to work efficiently and I got my break at the weekend. This worked for us as the night feeds only last a few months. When night feeding was finished I got up on a Saturday with the kids and he got up on a sunday with the kids so we could both have a lye in. Juggling kids is team work for you both to feel that you are getting a break.

I have to say that raising two boys was a challenge at times with their dad being away alot and home late most nights but we got through. It is all about setting a good routine and once the children know what is required of them life ticks on smoothly. Don't be to put off by having two kids it's not as hard as it seems. Just remember they don't stay little beings long before you know it they are moving out to uni!

Anna - posted on 02/10/2011

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Thats very true! And whether you have one now, or wait, you will experience rough times and good and you will get through them. With my daughter we were going to wait five years between children. When we found out we were pregnant with our son, total surprise, we would't have changed it. They are 19 months. This one now was planned and we're happy now they will all be close in age. Good luck! Please PM me if you have any more questions! :)

Rebecca - posted on 02/10/2011

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Thanks for you response. Once my first baby turned two, I went back to work three days a week. And my husband also took a part time job. THe idea was we would share the load. But I'll take maternity leave when the baby is born. He will still be part time. Then I'll go back to work part time. I"m hoping to take a year off. I think you're right . I'll manage fine. This is our way of finding a compromise, I guess. I'd harbour negative feelings too if I was prevented from having another child. So this way we both get what's most important to us.

Anna - posted on 02/10/2011

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Are you a stay at home mom? I stay home and we have our 2 yr old and a 6m old, and another on the way. I get some hep from my husband but not a lot. He's gone a lot with schooling right now, he's in the military. He has to get up way early for PT and then gets home late because of mandatory study hours. My son is 6m and STILL gets up every 2-3 hours at night. It was hard at first adjusting however now I dont even think twice about most things. Things may be different too once he's there but you also dont want to make him very unhappy either. Another one must be a mutual decision or he may harbor negative feelings over it.

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