out of touch with husband

Shannon - posted on 08/09/2009 ( 20 moms have responded )

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any words of advice how to get back in touch? our daughter is 9.5 months and we haven't been intimate since she was born. i'm way too tired. Husband works outside of the home full time and stays home with the baby one day a week. we have one day a week as a family otherwise it's all me. she's in daycare 2 days a week. i work from home 2 days i have her. i feel like i'm trying to do it al and i don't have a lot left. between work and baby and nursing and the house and bills and groceries and laundry, not much time for me let alone me and my husband. my me time is going to work whic is pretty sad.

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Julie - posted on 08/16/2009

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went through that and only recently started again then fell pregnant and have gone back to once a week or two- not happy jan!!! and now my bump is making me feel UN SEXY ...

Zojoho - posted on 08/13/2009

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Wow, and Wow again..!!
I am soooo going thru this atm. I am a SAHM of 3 kidlets, a 5.5 y.o., 4 y.o., and a 10.5 m.o. Hubby works long hours and quite often goes in on his days off. I have currently started studying (ahaha..just to throw it into the mix) and am the one who's responsible for keeping the house in check. I have no family of my own to babysit for me, Hubby has his Parent's here..but they both work full-time too (and I'm not on speaking terms with MIL atm..that's a whole nuther story)..so aren't available to have the kidlet's often.

I can't remember the last time Hubby & I were intimate..I really can't. I know that it's close to 2 mths ago..but that's about it.

I'm just too tired, stressed, busy and dare I say it? Not really that interested atm..sex is the last thing on my mind..and HE is barely home. There just never seems to be enough hours in the day to do that sort of thing..and I can truly admit, our relationship is suffering. I don't have time left to look after ME - let alone US. So bad I know, but pfffttt..I don't know how to change it..and I can't see it changing anytime soon either.

It's actually quite reassuring (if I can say that..) knowing that there's other woman out there suffering the same defeats I am.

Anna - posted on 08/13/2009

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their comes a time when you have to realize you are not super woman. im one of those people who want to get everything done, and do it all myself. and believe me i know the exhaustion!!!! and my sex drive has gone way down because of that. not that i dont want to its just i feel like id rather sleep. and it was starting to get to myhusband. he understood of coarse but it was frustrating cuz he would try to help me get the chores done and i would still be tired cuz i stayed up...

but like i said their comes a time when you realize your not super mom, and your husband is important too. just leave those dishes til tomorrow. the laundry will still be their when you wake up. just once in a while just let the house go and take the time to reconnect with hubby. i clean all day until its time for bed. i have my 9 1/2 month old and i watch a 2 year old. im cleaning constantly, up until my daughter goes to bed. i do one more chore... and i go to bed. their are always goin to be things to do. the bills, the laundry, dusting, whatever it may be.

when your daughter goes to bed, thats the time to get to your hubby!! even if he is busy im sure he wouldnt mind the surprise haha. work is important. but just find the time for hubby. i know that sounds like youre penciling him in... and that may be... just dont tell him that. dont want him to think your scheduling him in even though that is exactly what is happening. lol

anyways hope that helps. i know im kind of long winded when i get going.

Stacy - posted on 08/12/2009

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I couldn't help but read this whole thread after reading what you had to say Shannon! I think you can learn, from all of us, is that it can happen to all of us if we let life/responsibilities get the best of us. It is soooo hard, once we have kids, to keep up with everything let alone ourselves!! After 6yrs of marriage, and now a 10month old, we struggle with this all the time. But it really boils down to, finding the time to make the quality time together!!! If I were you, I'd probably just randomly attack my husband when he gets home tonight. Men love spontaneous things like that! I admit, I'm a neat freak and very uptight about getting things done. But, in all reality, alot of it can wait!!! As long as the bills get paid in time, there's food in the house, the rest is really just stuff that can wait till you have the time. The hardest part about being a mom, I feel, is learning to let go of your ideals! I know schedules can be hectic, and kind of limit things. I'm a nursing student, my husband works at a hospital & often gets called in on his days off. Trust me, I know. I know all the hard work and chaos is to provide a nice life for our family, but remember what family is supported by----Love...Not having sex for all this time, isn't just about getting some sexual tension relieved and/or making babies. It's about connecting with your partner and expressing your love in ways that we need to experience consistently. As a married couple, you NEED IT!!! So what are you waiting for, forget about the phones/computer/bills/house/laundry/etc and go enjoy your husband!!!!

Shannon - posted on 08/11/2009

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thanks leeanne. yeah i was just thinking the shower would be a good place to start, i think that actually where our daughter was conceived lol. it is a lot harder than i could have imagined, the balance part of it all especially. my husband knows that i am starting on working toget me back and in turn he gets me back and we get us back and he's 100% supportive and understands that all of this has been tough on all of us. he didn't realize how frustrated and miserable i had been but now he's fully aware and doing what he can to help give me a bit of a break so can not be so worn out and maybe have some time left for us.

Jamarri - posted on 08/11/2009

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WOW! im surprised ur husband let it go that long. my husband was counting down the days for the first 6 weeks after the baby was born. I would advise finding someone who can babysit for a few hours. Tayler goes to visit her grandparents every weekend. if u dont have a babysitter, i would suggest taking a day off from work (both of u), put the baby in the pack n play and u and him have dinner and SEX. lol. my husband and i learned that you cant always 'do it' when the baby is sleeping and u wont always have a sitter. I do understand being tired though, i work 55 hrs/week but i dont work weekends. my husband works from home but i do all the laundry, cooking and most housework. it is very exhausting sometimes but u have to make time for eachother. my house is not spotless and it is not perfect. i refuse to kill myself. some days i dont feel like washing clothes. try making a schedule. i only wash clothes on Saturday. i only cook dinner 4 days a week, the other days is either leftovers or my husband takes us out. u just have to find a balance and it takes time. it took us about 3 months.



sometimes im so tired, i have to pretend like i want sex (he doesnt know that) but it keeps him happy which keeps us happy. but on the bright side, i have heard that it gets better as the child gets older! good luck!

Leanne - posted on 08/11/2009

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Shannon - one way to "start" things is to shower together, and talk while showering, wash each other. This is a good way to be intimate and everyone needs to shower so it serves more than one purpose. Honestly - my husband was working overseas for all but 9 weeks since Addison was born and it's been hard - reconnecting since he's been back. We are not in a good spot but I am fighting for it. Men need to feel "tended" to or they start to lose interest totally. They can't be forgotten about and it is so easy to get caught up in Mommy-hood and forget about Daddy. But Dad's need to be told what is needed from them. My husband always tells me he isn't a mind reader and just to talk to him if something is bothering me or else he is going to keep on doing what he has been doing. Sounds like you are starting on the right track w/getting some personal time and making time for each other. It's hard - I am still nursing and have realized that weening has to start or else I may lose my husband totally if he isn't put back to a priority. Good luck - it's harder than we thought isn't it?!

Shannon - posted on 08/10/2009

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thanks karen, you hit the nail on the head. we did have that chat at 4:00 in the morning a few days ago. since then i'm starting to get back some me time once a week whether it's dinner /drinks with the girls or yoga before i ceom home. we're also making time for us once a week. we'll find our way back slowly but surely but he does now know how i feel and i;ve already noticed a change.

Karen - posted on 08/10/2009

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I had a this problem with my husband and still do at times when we haven't spent time together or we argue. Although it's easier said than done to just "do it" but women usually are emotional, and must feel a connection with their husbands to feel that spark. You might be feeling a lot of resentment toward your husband where you feel like you are doing it all, and perhaps you should talk to him in a nice way about how overwhelmed you are and how you think about how rejected and lonely he must feel, so that he is more receptive to listening to you. I am sure he must feel like that, but doesn't want to tell you, men usually don't talk about their feelings. Make a nice dinner with some wine, have a nice talk, and start slow and see where it goes. Then perhaps talk about better ways to share the chores, what could be put off, and schedule a day or two or more during the week to make time for you guys. For women feeling loved is very important, and you probably feel unappreciated and overwhelmed. With motherhood I think we give our all to the baby and tend to forget ourselves and our husbands, but it's a juggling act, and at least the baby is not up 24 hours a day, so that means you have the rest of the time for what you need to do for yourself and your husband. Dishes, chores, work will always be there, but life is not eternal, so make it count and much as you can. Hugs and you'll get through this, believe me it's hard I work on it every day and it just gets better! :-)

Ashlee - posted on 08/10/2009

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I agree with the other ladies,
JUST DO IT! dishes laundry and whatever other housework there is can wait your relationship can not. We are intimate on average every other night or afternoon or whenever "it" gets done on the weekends it is usually during nap time baby goes to crib and we go to bed just not to sleep ;). Also my husband is in charge or bed time routine which includes bath, bottle and rocking to sleep and has been since around 3 months. He works out of the home full time and usually overtime but thats work and he needs to put just as much time/effort into his family me and the baby. I stay at home with our little guy but am going back to work but I will work opposite shifts so that if I am at work he is at home. we also shop together and laundry is shared. The only chore that is exclusively mine is dishes and the bathroom which isnt really that bad.
Stop doing it all yourself. and if your man isn't jumping your bones do it yourself-self love honest you need to reconnect with yourself and your spouse.
Good luck
Also being intimate does not have to mean intercourse!!

Sara - posted on 08/10/2009

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It can get tiresome, I think we all know that! But, I think the simple truth is that you have to make the time to have together, because the opportunity doesn't sound like it's just going to present itself. My husband, as unromantic as it sounds, have "intimate" time every Wednesday after our daughter is in bed. That doesn't just mean sex, it means just spending time together. It's so important to find the time, you've got to invest some part of your energy in it or one day you're going to wake up and there won't be anything left. Good Luck.

Leslie - posted on 08/10/2009

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i would go to the doctor hun, seriously i honestly dont think you can live forever without sex haha go get checked or make yourself do it to help jump start yourself, it is true that alot of women;'s estrogen and testosterone gets out of wack so i would go to the doctor

Shannon - posted on 08/10/2009

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thanks ladies. he does help when he's home. we work at a rafting company and during the season he works a lot and a lot of times comes home after she's gone to bed. i just haven't felt any kind of spark/desire/nothing since my daughter was born. not sure if it's hormones or what.

Leslie - posted on 08/10/2009

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i think its time for you ladies to crack the whip, when we both work all the house work is devided up equally well sorta haha you know men. but seriously if im cleaning my man is bathing the kids...what do your men do after work???? cause my man knows if he don't help he don't get booty and thats all there is to it lol

Jaime - posted on 08/10/2009

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I have to tell you - I have been feeling a bit like this with my husband recently. I mean, it hasn't been since our son was born, but it's just so exhausting. When you're the one doing everything, it's rough. We both work out of the home, but not only do I work out of the home, I get to cook, clean, change diapers, feed, bath and put to bed each night . . . the time I spend at home is not quality time . . . for any of us!

Amanda - posted on 08/09/2009

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awww this is sad. I agree with Leslie...forget about the house and work for a night and just relax and have fun. Maybe buy a nice bottle of wine or something you both enjoy? watch a romantic movie?? give each other massages! Just come home with dessert/wine and a bottle of massage oil one night and I bet that will get things going! Even if you dont have sex you need to get intimate and re-connect. GOOD LUCK!!!!

Leslie - posted on 08/09/2009

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its time to get down hunny,lol in that dirty way that made the baby hahaha, i must say my little one is the same age and i nursed my boyfriend works full time and i also have a 4 year old and we have sex at least every second day. its time for you to go bye something that makes you feel sexy not something for him but for you so you feel like the hot mama you are, then you'll be jumping each other in no time. i can't belive you havent had sex in 9 months are you nuts hahahah, after a week im going nuts...i think you just need to do it to remember how fun it is and that your house doesn't need to be perfect i felt like that after my first and seriously no one is perfect stop trying and just be yourself relax get busy and if you don't have any energy after do your house work tomorrow hahahaha just a thought hope it gets better for ya but seriously go splurge on something sexy it makes a work of diffrence

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