Step mom or mom

Rachelle - posted on 04/14/2009 ( 29 moms have responded )

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Is it okay to ask a "Step mom" to stop insisting on being called mom?? Just wondering what other think on this.

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I call my step dad, Mark... because that's his name. He is my parent (well was, I'm a big girl now). He did help raise me. I do love him. But his name is Mark... and neither of us have any problem with that.

Kat - posted on 04/15/2009

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If the children don't want to call her Mom then she has no right to insist. I think it should be the child's choice & you have the right to stand up for them & say something to her.

Cheyenne - posted on 04/15/2009

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Of course! A step mom is a step mom and a mom is a mom! My dad was re-married and we called her by her name. Just because they come into the family dosent mean they automatically get a title. And I couldnt imagine asking someone elses child to call me mom.

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Helen - posted on 09/28/2011

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I am a stepmom myself & with 2 kids of my own and the 2 older boys always have called me by my name. Now if someone asks who i am to them they refer to me as their stepmom but thats the extent of it. They have a mom & i would never want to step on her toes by having her children call me mom. Just like I would never want my kids calling someone else mom. It's just not right.

Sarah - posted on 09/20/2011

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Honestly, I don't think it is. I think it hurts the child and it puts them in the middle. You are the grown up, you know your daughter love you, you know you are her birth mother and that you will always love her more than any other woman that comes into her life, so why does it matter what she calls her step-mom. It would not bother me at all if my son called his step-mother mom. He doesn't have one but my ex still lives with his parents (has since before we were married) and my son calls her mom sometimes. It doesn't bother me because she takes care of him, she supports him, she loves him and does things a mom should do with him. He calls my husband dad and it bothers my ex but my husband has been in his life since he was 2. My husband taught my son everything a father should teach his son (how to throw a football, how to swing a bat, how to tie his shoes, how to ride a bike, and how to ride one without training wheels, how to eat without slurping, how to clean up after himself, how to put things together such as legos, building blocks, etc., etc., etc.), my ex is lazy, doesn't have a job, and can't be pulled away from the tv or his video games long enough to teach our son these things (he also does not have a job and hasn't for the 8 years we've been divorced). My son is now 9, he calls my husband dad all the time. When he goes home though his dad gets pissed when he hears it and tells him to stop. I can tell it hurts my son because when he talks to me about it he gets sad. He feels like his father is trying to make him love him and my ex has actually told him that if he calls my husband dad then that means my son doesn't love him as much. He has talked to me about this, crying. He feels bad when he does it but he shouldn't feel that way. His dad should not make him feel that way. We are their parents we are supposed to protect them, not make them feel bad for saying a word. It's sad, in my opinion, that in this day and age, when divorce is rampent, that people make it even harder on kids by doing these kinds of things. This is just my opinion though. Like I said, I have had plenty of time to think about it, and having grown up in a divorced family with a step-mom, I think it is wrong for a parent to make a child feel bad for saying a word when you know your child loves you and that you are their only birth mother no matter what happens. Your child knows that you love them like no one else will and your child knows that you will always love them no matter what they do (right or wrong) unlike any other person in their life.

Carmen - posted on 09/20/2011

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Absolutely, I too have been going through this situation, and feel that my daughter's step mom should just accept the fact that she is her step mom and take the name my daughter chose to call her. which is actually momma windy, but I am always momma. this is ok with me but she insists on the momma thing because of their other daughter and I continue to tell my daughter that I am her one true momma. My step-mom on the other hand told us flat out when she married my dad that she expected us to call her by her name because we had a mom and she did not want to take her place. That is respect to me.

Samantha - posted on 09/09/2011

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I have been with my husband now for 5 years, and we have been friends for 14 years. When we got together he had three children (from two previous relationships) and I had four children from my previous marriage. After about a year his oldest daughter (whom I have known since she was born, as well as her Mother) began to call me Mom. Her biological Mother and I had a discussion about it and because she was old enough to know the difference, she said that she did not mind at all. My daughter visits her Mom every other weekend and holidays so I am the one that she sees everyday. She has a great and very close relationship with her biological Mother as well, one that I encourage and help in any way that I can to keep strong. My younger daughter and oldest son are from my husbands previous marriage. His oldest does not call me Mom, and I am completely okay with that. His youngest (now 6) began calling me Mom at age 2 and for a long time we corrected her, until she was old enough to know the difference. She would become upset and I felt that she was feeling pushed aside being the only kid not calling me Mom (she lives with us half the time, and her brother visits when he wants to). Her biological Mother and I fought about it for a long time, I did not want to NOT allow her to call me Mom, I felt it should be her choice and whatever made her most comfortable and part of the family. We agreed that "Mommy Samantha" was acceptable for both of us, and our daughter agreed that she liked that as well. She still calls me Mommy or Mommy Samantha, and sometimes it is just Samantha. I let her do what SHE wants. I tell her that I am HER Samantha, and that makes what we have special :-) I have also been on the other side, my children have called their biological Father's girlfriends or fiance's Mommy and while I did not like it all that much, I never let it show. I have ALWAYS told them to say what makes them feel comfortable. It could be their way of trying to develop a connection with this woman that is in their life and who am I to get in the way of that? Mind you this is how I felt before I was being called Mommy by my step-children (I hate that word, STEP-children, eew. We do not use it in our house). I am confident in my position in my children's lives and I don't think them calling anyone else "Mommy" will harm my relationship with them, it will only help them build a stronger, more intimate relationship with the other woman in their life that they will be spending time with. TO INSIST THAT A CHILD CALL YOU MOMMY (OR DADDY) IS WRONG AND SHOULD NOT HAPPEN. My ex has not been around really since we split and all of our children call my husband Daddy and have for a few years now. It was their choice, they came to ME and asked if I thought he would mind, him and I discussed it and he feels the same as I do, WHATEVER MAKES THEM HAPPY :-)

Krista - posted on 09/08/2011

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I have a step son and have been in his life since he was 4 years old. He's 14 now. We have 3 bio children together so they are his half brothers. They all call me Mom so he wanted to start calling me mom, but I feel ANYTHING but his mother. I LOVE the Mommy idea. Part of me feels like, he shouldn't call me Mom. I never wanted him calling me Mom. But another part of me doesn't want MY kids seeing someone call me anything else because them I AM their mom...but they are too young right now to know the difference. Maybe suggest the Mom idea.

Tara - posted on 09/07/2011

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I'm a step mom and my stepchild lives with us full time....I have never asked her to call me mom. Sometimes she will and I don't tell her not to but I don't make her call me mom. Her bio mom has said its ok with her if she does but I know I would feel bad if my son called someone else mom so I don't ask her to do it. The child should have a say and what they call the step parent

Terralyn - posted on 07/17/2011

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why is everyone so hung up on a name, my kids friends call me mom and i am not in a relationship with any of their dads its just a name. if they feel close enough to the adult whats the big deal. my kids dont have a step mom but they have other women they call mom because they are very close to them. i understand that mom is a title but so is mrs.... and you may not be the only one in the world. Stop being so paranoid and over posssessive, do you think your child will love you less if they call someone else mom? I don't love my older daughter any less because i have another girl to call my daughter. please realize your antogonistic attitude towards this issue will harm your child more than what they call a step parent ever will.

Sarah - posted on 07/15/2011

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I would be horribly offended if my son's father told him he had to call his girlfriend mom, or if she insisted he call her that. However, he is two (obviously since I'm posting in this group) and if he chose to call her mom, I would not want to confuse him or create any extra turmoil in his life. If she loves him (which she does) and is good to him and he wants to call her mom, though it would break my heart, I would frankly just shut up and put up with it. My son did start calling my husband Daddy on his own at about 10 months, we tried to teach him his name but he insisted on calling him Daddy and it has stuck up until now. He visited his father, who corrected him, and now he is giving my husband the evil eye as if he were some kind of invader who snuck in and has been wearing a disguise that just now was removed, and absolutely ignoring every word out of his mouth. As I said before, as heartbreaking as it is, I think it is far better for the child's sake to let them choose the titles of the "extra" people in their lives and leave it at that.

Sarah - posted on 07/12/2011

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I dont think the child should be forced to call the step mom, mom. I had a step mom and we always called her by her name. I have a friend though who calls her step dad, Dad bc he has been their step dad and very active in her life since she was little.
But like my husband has never been close with his step mom, she is called by her name Martha. And Sometime the family refers to her as grandma to our kids and shes just not that role to us. Our kids call her Martha too. Idk depends on the situation.

Christina - posted on 04/24/2011

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My stepson is 4yrs old. We have him 50/50. I have four children and my stepson is the youngest out of the five. He would get confused when he first came and heard all my kids calling me mommy. So he started. Now he calls me Mommy Chris and I love it! It is my own special name that he came up with and I am tickled pink to be his Mommy Chris. Children should call their step-parents what ever makes them feel comfortable. If they WANT to call their step-parents mom or dad, they should be allowed to. I would never tell my 10yr old son that he couldn't call his SM by mom.

Jade - posted on 04/12/2011

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i call my step dad Trevor but my younger sister calls him dad. My daughter calls him grumpy (she has a lot of grandparents .. we had to get creative) and that suits everyone.

Allie - posted on 04/12/2011

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I respect my stepmom enough that I allowed her a title. Actually I get along with her better than I do with my dad. In my case, my mom is "mom", and my step-mom is Tricia. I gave my mom her choice as of what she wanted to be called as a grandmother, then gave my stepmom her choice. Mother in law was actually last.

[deleted account]

I call my step dad, Mark... because that's his name. He is my parent (well was, I'm a big girl now). He did help raise me. I do love him. But his name is Mark... and neither of us have any problem with that.

Angelica - posted on 03/31/2011

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im a stepmom and have a stepmom myself. ive been here since the oldest was 6months old, she is now 4. ive been mom since they learned to talk but myself and their father did not teach them to call me that or would i ever insist that they do so. i also would not want my daughter calling another woman mom so i see no problem telling her back off.

Eileen - posted on 03/24/2011

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I guess it depends on the age of the kid. If it is the 2.5 year old, I would say that it may be too confusing and that maybe she/he should just be told that she has 2 moms and she was in the belly of this mom, and not of the other. Later you can get the details straight. It's your feelings hurt, but she is the one confused. Keep it simple. Time will work it all out. She or he knows the real mom already.



Oh - and I say that as a step mom, and my step kids call me by my first name. I do think it's better, and I prefer it...but easier if the mom name has already started to keep it simple.



One more thing...the Dad needs to be making ground rules here too. HE should push the first name, or Ms. ___. Otherwise, all of you get on the same page and explain about whose belly he or she came out of.

Melissa - posted on 03/02/2011

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HI there this message is to everyone .... First I agree its the child's choice ...but when a adopted parent or step parent raises that child THEY DO BLOOD OR NOT BECOME THE PARENT IE. MOM OR DAD.. second... Blood does not make you a mother raising a child does... I have never met my biological father and biological mother has been in and out of my life . I was raised by my grandmother and step grandfather who I called mom and dad so I would have a normal upbringing and have the feeling of having parents. Now that I am grown I love them more then anything they are my parents they are my mother and father ... Third TITLES are nothing its who really takes CARE and is responsible for the child. Four there is nothing wrong with calling a grandparent or step mom by there actually title ..but its nice when you feel like they are your parents to feel normal and apart of a family. Five ..Every one has different life situations so dont judge nobody for what they chose . I have a son with a man who has another child and my children are half brothers we are a family and my step son should call me mom cause I raise him and financially take care of him . DOES THAT NOT MAKE YOU A PARENT /MOTHER???!!!!

Larissa - posted on 08/25/2010

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I'm a step mom of 2 and neither call me mom over the summer my stepson would sarcastically say yes "MOM" when I asked him to do something but that was about it. I wouldnt ever expect them to call me mom only if they wanted to. I did notice that if one of their friends refers to me as their mom they dont usually correct them. I definatley dont think it's right for a women to insit on kids calling her mom if shes not and I would say something.

Lois - posted on 08/25/2010

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I wouldn't ask step-kids to call me Mom,maybe she is trying too hard to be a second Mom ( or just to feel more integrated into their lifes???) Talk to their Dad,point out that the kids don't feel comfortable with it. If it is a "respect" thing try Mommy Beth ,or Mrs Beth.Don't make this a battle if this is the worst problem that you have with the step-mom,take a deep breath and remember that you are still who they mean when they ask for Mom.

Razia - posted on 04/29/2009

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i my am a step mom to my husbans 8 year old and she calls me by my name and i actually prefer it .... now that there is a baby around she tends so sometimes call me mom but i do not initiate that ....

Rachelle - posted on 04/27/2009

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Thanks, I have tried all of this and reasoning with them and it doesn't seem to help. My son repeatedly asks me to tell them he has one mom but they refuse to change it as they say "mom" is short for step-mom and it's disrespectful for him to call her by her name. I was just wondering if it was alright that I had asked them not to. My son also tells me that he has to because they say he will hurt her feelings. I feel so bad for him. I do have a partner which has been here since my son was one month old and he calls him by his first name. Thanks for all your input it's appreciated.

Dorothy - posted on 04/22/2009

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I am a step mom. I wouldn't feel right with my step son calling me mom. He was only one when I met his Dad and he used to call me Mom. I let him because he was just a baby, but as soon as he understood I had him start to call me by my name. He does call my parents Granny and Papa because those titles can be honorary.

Tamra - posted on 04/21/2009

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I guess i feel like it depends on the children i dont feel comfortable calling my step-mom mom and i wont but i know that my step siblings will call my dad dad i think that it is what the kid feels comfortable with. but i think that i would have a problem if my kids had a step mom that wanted them to call her mom. I dont think that that is her right.

Adrienne - posted on 04/19/2009

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I agree with Cheyenne. A step mom is a step mom (and usually called by their first name) and a mom is a mom. If the child wants to call her mom that's ok but I wouldn't want my kids calling some other woman mom. You are still their mom.

Amanda - posted on 04/19/2009

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I am a step mum and my parents split when I was 6 weeks old so I have had my share of step parents. My step sons don't call me mum and I don't expect them to they have a mum, and I think I called one of my dads girlfriends mum for like a week but it was cause I wanted to get up my mums nose. If my partner and I broke up there is no way I would let his new partner try to get my kids to call her mum, I am their mum and their only mum. So yes I think it is ok to ask her, politely of course cause you don't want to cause trouble, and if she keeps doing it tell you ex that it is really annoying you and to get her to stop it. He should understand and if not ask him if he would like it if you had a partner (if you don't already) how would he feel if he tried to get your kid/s to call him dad.

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