why doesn't mother n laws listen?
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Meredith - posted on 07/07/2009
i have a really good relationship with my MIL, and we actually just had a convo about this the other day. now, i do understand that some MILs are overbearing or rude by nature, but i found what she said to be very interesting. she was describing the feeling about loving your children, how it's unlike anything in the world, how you are willing to change pretty much everything in your life to raise your kids the best you can... and in her exact words, "do you think it stops when they turn 18?" she has had some time to recollect on how she acted towards her other son and his wife and kids (they moved back in for about a year), and she realizes now that she was really stepping on their toes because she just wants to love and nurture them so badly, but it's hard for her to draw the line because in her mind, all her sons (25, 23, and 17) are still her babies, and always will be. so she would offer her unsolicited opinion, hog the grandbabies, and do things her way, because she will forever be in mom mode! she can only see it now that it is in the past, because when she was in the moment she was just going on instinct and experience. she is much more hands-off with my husband and i because of this. i understand some of where she is coming from, because i really do feel like i have changed as a direct result of having a baby, and i will do anything in the world to raise him to the best of my abilities, even if that means ignoring others' advice, being opinionated, and hogging him! this has helped me to realize why my mom nags at me, and it's because she is still trying to raise me to the best of her abilities. this is what is so wonderful (and mind-boggling) about motherhood, it is never-ending!
and i am a young mom so i have A LOT to learn, but i feel like this has really helped me stay calm and appreciate my family and extended family :)
Hannah - posted on 07/06/2009
I don't listen to anything my MIL says because I don't trust her judgement. I know that's a little harsh but, my husband doesn't get along with her that well. So why would I go along with whatever advice she has to give me. I think we just have to endure it, cuz we still love them more or less.
Denise - posted on 07/05/2009
My MIL is so overbearing. When we are over there she has to do everything for my daughter. I barely get to touch her the whole time im there. If I actually do I feel like she is over my shoulder all the time. and she always puts her hands out trying to get my daughter to come to her. I just want to slap her and tell her to go away. She is always amazed by how much my daughter eats and how early she crawled and stood probably because she just stops feeding her if she doesnt seem interested and holds her all the time. I dont like leaving my daughter with her all day or she always comes home fussy cause she is off her schedule and is spoiled by being held and played with all day long. I know she just loves her but at times it is just to much, she isnt her mother. I have another baby due in December and im so happy that my SIL is due 6 weeks after me so maybe mine wont be the center of attention and over spoiled. When im at my mothers house she will hold her and play some but I take care of my daughter there.
Crystal - posted on 07/02/2009
I know the feeling... I'm married to her baby.. So on top of that, I have to deal with, "thats not how I did it." "Why are you doing it like that?" so on and so forth.
My MIL thinks her son (my husband) walks on water and she shes me disagree with anything she goes behind my back and encourages him otherwise or says "Just let him do what he wants" ahh. Also I'm not the healthiest eater in the world but I try to feed my kids well, little sugar or sweets. She feeds my 4 year old nothing but sugar when she stays with her and asked me if my 8 month old with 2 teeth eats french fries or cake, I could scream. She said my 4 year old ate well one day and I asked her what she ate and she told me "The meat off a McDon's hamburger, and cinnamon bun as big as her head, a bowl of chips and a bowl of cereal. It makes me sick. Thank the lord she lives 1500 miles away and we only see her every few years.
Rachael - posted on 07/02/2009
My bf's mother is awesome she gives me advice but does not push it on me. WE had decided before my daughter was born that she could not have cookies or apple juice because it has so much sugar. She said something about she always diluted it with her boys, I said oh really and left it. About a week later I saw somewhere that a lady was giving her 1 year old a child a sucker so they would leave her alone and then I went on a rant on my blog about it. I've not heard another word about apple juice or teething cookies from her.
Sara - posted on 07/01/2009
I'm in the same boat, but I keep telling myself that it's her way of helping, even though I find it intrusive and irritating. My mom died unexpectedly 2 months before my daughter was born so I think my MIL was initially trying to be extra helpful with my loss. Within the first week of coming home I had surprise visits and phone calls constantly from my husband's family. I stopped answering the phone, including if it was my husband. As for raising my daughter, my MIL does what she wants with her and I have to tell my husband to correct her. Oddly, I don't feel I have the right to tell her, even though it's my kid. My husband and I have come to the conclusion that if there's anything they say that we disagree with, we say "that's something we'll have to discuss first". It at least puts a hold on whatever they want to do and lets them know we call the shots. Good luck!
Kat - posted on 06/20/2009
Something I think & say when the comment about "this is what I did & it always worked or my kids turned out fine" is -
We have so much information, research & resources that is available to us now, why shouldn't we make the most of it & use it to our advantage, we are just very fortunate to know better.
This then can take away from the I do it better than you do & hopefully take away the agro or defensiveness. We know we're right that's all that matters. I think sometimes mothers (our parents generation) get defensive because they think we think they didn't do a good job, because we want to do things so differently from them.
Fabienne - posted on 06/19/2009
i know exactly what you are talking about! my MIL is such a pain sometimes. On top of it she is/was a nurse(retired), so she feels she knows everything. I can't count the number of times I heard "we used to do it this way and it always worked". seriously, she hasn't taken care of a baby in nearly 30 years, a lot has changed since then! grrrr argh
Angie - posted on 06/18/2009
My MIL is just annoying...she always brings over junk that she bought at some garage sale, and had the nerve to tell me that I would buy my daughter the new stuff and she would buy the used. And she doesn't even clean it. Her house is filthy and disgusting, and I refuse to let my daughter go over there, being that she is crawling all over the place. And when my daughter was born, she stayed the night at the hospital with us two nights in a row, and sent my husband home! I try to get her to understand when I want her to do things a certain way, but it goes in one ear and out the other. It's a good thing she lives almost two hours away!!
Becky - posted on 06/15/2009
My MIL likes to pick on things and then ignore me for two-three weeks and then talk to me like nothing ever happened. I, for one, ignore her right back because everyone else in her family likes to kiss her ass and not to get her too upset. Her and my FIL take care of my son 5 days a week (we pay them) and my FIL does 95% of everything. She complains if we need to bring him over on the weekend to do stuff (or to, I don't know, have alone time? go on a date?) She complains that she doesn't have a life, but she gets paid to sit around her house and play with her grandson. The only difference is that if he was not there, she would not be playing with him and not being paid. She basically sits around all day and watches TV and talks on the phone.
I let my husband deal with her, when she ignores me, I ignore her right back, I don't care. :)
What's the issue with yours?
Sarah - posted on 06/15/2009
I personally don't have that problem with my mother-in-law (simply because she doesn't speak english. LOL) But my own mother tends to do think she knows my son better on occasion and believe it or not my FATHER-in-law is the biggest problem. He thinks he knows EVERYTHING (despite the fact that he was not that involved with his own children as babies and never changed one diaper from what I'm told) He NEVER listens to a single instruction I give him. I'll put the baby down to nap when we are visiting them and he'll go in a wake him up cuz he "just had to" hold him. How's that for obnoxious?! LOL
Zojoho - posted on 06/15/2009
ahhh..because that's just MIL's..their job is to annoy the f'king crappola outta Us..!!
You'll find that they'll "say & do things" just to make you question yourself about your own ability to raise a child. Then they'll do everything that you say NOT to do, just because they know that you don't like it and they get to hand Bub's back without any consequence.
Bahhhh..pfftt..tell her where she can get off Hun..your lil' Princess is YOUR'S and YOU are her Parent, don't let anything she is doing get to you - too much anyway LOL.
Can I ask what she has done?
Anastasia - posted on 06/15/2009
My own mother in law thinks she's better, thinks she knows better because she has 'raised' three kids and thinks she is generally more adept at everything. Personally I think she is lucky that her children even talk to her on occasion.
But I think part of it may just be the Grandmother thing. My own mother sees my son 5 out of 7 days and still doesn't listen to me. I have to nag and nag and nag to get her to (for example) stop bub from trying to chew on a pair of thongs. Women...we're a little bit strange...i'm sure i probably won't be able to stop myself from being overbearing with my future daughter in law. :)