My story...

Casey - posted on 12/20/2009 ( 2 moms have responded )

Im 22 years old, and have been the victim of domestic violence by the hands of my sons father on far too many occasions. We were together for just about 3 years, & its now been 1&1/2 years since i left him & i feel like i am never going to be free of his evil. i havent been able to move forward & be involved in any new relationships. its taken all this time just to repair the damage he caused to my mind, my heart & my spirit. cuts bruises & broken bones heal in weeks, the damage done inside takes years heal.... & you can never go back 100% to who you were before it happend. i have moved away from him, im now an hour & a half away. my father passed away in july and left his house to my son and me, and my ex was here many times when we were together. when i first left him last august i went into hiding, i changed my number & moved pretty far away, to an area that i had no connection to prior to moving there... and he still found me, somehow. him & 2 other men were caught in the act of breaking into my house by my neighbors, they were never braught up on charges because they had fled by time the police arrived & i couldnt prove it was them. he went to jail shortly after that for unrelated chargers, which he has just been released from about 3 weeks ago. during his incarceration in rehab we began comunicating again in regards to our child because I hoped he was changing his life around, but my hopes were wrong. He already started w/the phone threats of violence, last week he even threatened to kill me. Im so tired of going through all this, the fear of what hes capable of & guilt i feel over my son having him as a father. i was doing great before he got out of jail, i was 100x happier & stronger than i was when i was with him, or even than i currently am. its just that he knows too well how to break me down- i dont show HIM that what he says(or threatens to do) gets to me, but it does. he knows so much about my past & my family & all the hardships i have endured, and he uses them against me very effectively. he can no longer physically beat me down (though theres always the chance of him showing up here) so he uses the worst moments/experiences of my life against me... twisting it to make me think/feel like im one thats to blame for it all.. i know better than to believe anything he says, but when he uses my own words & experiences against me it gets to me just a little bit at a time, creating doubt where there was confidence, or anger where there was joy, or just shame, guilt &/or depression in general. Its made me miserable on the inside; being afraid to get too close to anyone because I dont want to see them get hurt because of me, always looking over my shoulder waiting for the day his threats start to turn to action. i dont know if he truely means it or if hes just trying to manipulate me & break me down but it doesnt matter. its still destroying my peace of mind. I want to be happy, I want to be able to be free of his evil & find someone who truely loves me & my son, and will be there for us like a real man is supposed to. Be a loving Father to my wonderful son, not just use him as a tool to manipulate. Has anyone else been through anything like this? How do you get through it? Not just survive it, but overcome it? What does my life matter if my heart & soul have been broken & destroyed.... God help me.

Since posting this message in another group on circle of moms dec 13th, i have started making steps forward (with the support of other Moms & victims). Me & my son were granted a year long PPO by the courts w/ absolutely NO contact from him, I joined & program at the church called Celebrate Recovery to help anyone with "hurts, hang ups or bad habits" and I joined a local support group for women of domestic violence that is helping me deal with and overcome all of this. it is a process, and not an easy one... but the very first step for me was speaking out and asking for help, I cannot explain the strength & comfort I recieved from reading stories other women shared... to know that i was not alone... AND NEITHER ARE YOU!!!! I pray that you can take something from my story or this group that is beneficial & helpful to you... that you can allow it change your life in a positive way. God loves you & so do I!