Roisin - posted on 03/07/2012 ( 22 moms have responded )
Roisin - posted on 03/07/2012 ( 22 moms have responded )
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Â»-(Â¯`vÂ´Â¯)-Â» Yanira (Ã±Ã¯Ã¥) - posted on 04/10/2012
Although I agree to disagree with some of the comments here I can definitely agree with Christine, post from (3/10/2012). Couldn't have said it better! Who is the parent? I let my 11 month old explore and wander freely, of course in the house with adequate supervision... when and if she touches something she is not supposed to, I don't scream or hit her instead I try to explain to her that she can't touch or it's not good for her to play with that and I'll replace the object with a book, a teether, or a toy perhaps. Did I mention she's 11 months? Now should she be 11 or 13 yo I would tell her "I'm the only female in this house wearing heels!" I am your mother... you have more than enough friends and I don't recall the last time anyone gave birth to a friend! In summary, you can do as you please because at the end of day regardless what opinions we have, you are the parent. I believe in being honest more than being a friend and as a parent it’s my responsibility to educate and prepare my child for society. My parents were so extremely strict and abusive it was sickening… not only strict but sexist and unfair. One of the differences between my parents and me is that I can talk and explain to my child the why’s and why not’s and at the end of the day tell you “I love you and this is why.” On that note, I’ll be damned if my child requests privacy under my roof. You can have privacy when you are in the bathroom and you can have privacy when you are on the phone. I will respect you as you will respect me but I can ransack and turnover tables in my house since I pay the bills. You earn your privacy you don’t just get it and at 13?? WTH? Seriously!! Yeah, I think not!
Nataschia - posted on 03/26/2012
Dont worry too much at 13 you want your privacy and she should be able to keep her secrets shell open up more when she's older but make sure she knows the dangers that if you meet someone they may kidnap rape or murder you make sure it's a friend she goes with and she knows to let you know give her a track phone I feel they should be somewhat of an important thing she wants and needs freedom if she has make sure she knows how to use it in an emergencies and to know her locations and make and color of car she will be in a movie came out when I was that age and instant messenger became big my mom made me watch a movie strangeland by d snider graphic and disturbing but scared me so bad I never met a single person over the net or gave them my personal info
Merry - posted on 03/20/2012
I don't understand how people think watching and monitoring their kids is like snooping.... I am dead serious. I would personally like to thank my parents and my friends parents from busting us before we did some of our stupid stuff. That Vodka they found stashed under the bed a couple weeks before prom...who knows. We would have been stupid enough to drink and drive- I gurantee that. That whooping we all got from my friends mom (yes, me friends mom whooped us all...with a belt... and scared the daylights out of us) was well deserved and I am grateful. Those times we snuck out and went to where everybody drag races...going through our notes we passed in class is how they discovered our weekend adventures. Then a couple weeks later a car crashed into the crowd and killed a couple teenagers... yeah we could have easily been one of the dead had they not busted us by "snooping." Now, they weren't crazy strict BUT they knew teens are STUPID and make STUPID decisions so thankfully they monitored us. We still had parties, had a GREAT childhood, and felt like we could talk to our parents about pretty much anything EVEN WHILE THEY MONITORED AND "SNOOPED" ON US.
Tabitha - posted on 03/20/2012
Kelsey, they know the rules and what's expected of them. As their mom, it's my job to make sure that they're following them and/or learning from their mistakes. I pay for their phones and computers so yes, and they know that they have no privacy in those areas. It apparently is not a problem for them as they are the first to tell on themselves if they've done something wrong and I probably know more about their friends and classmates than their own parents. Besides, It's not much different than an employer that has complete access to work email or work supplied phones.
Also, my son would lose his computer if he was watchin porn on it. It's 1 thing for a teenage boy to have a "dirty" magazine under the mattress. It's a whole other issue if he's sittin around watchin graphic videos of crazy sex. In fact, I've set up the firewall to prevent anyone in the house from stuff like that...even the adults. It's just not something that is allowed for my household. Watching porn damages their image and understanding about how a real relationship should be. An adult would understand that it's just a movie and probably already understands relationships after growing up watching his parent's example. But it's never appropriate behavior for a teenager to be sittin around watchin porn on the internet. That's why you have to be 18 to rent them at the store and most porn sites will make you "agree to the terms", one of which is that you must be 18. Because they know it's illegal to distribute porn or questionable material to minors.
Kelsey - posted on 03/19/2012
tabitha i can get where you are coming from. those are things i never want to have to face with my children and yes you have to be a parent first and a friend second but there are still boundaries you have to respect when it comes down to childrens privacy and the trust you share. i told my mom i started to smoke when i was 11 and she tried to talk me out of it and she did the first time around. when i took it up again when i was 13 she told me i knew what would happen and she was not going to supply the money for them or buy them for me i had to find my own way.
you dont always have to be in their "business" but you do need to sit down and go over the rules and what is expected of them. you set boundaries about dating and sex and drugs school friends anything you want. and write them down and post them where they are availible for friends and boyfriends and their parents to see. this way everyone who comes into your house knows what is to be expected while in their household and in the presence of your children.
im not going to be the mom who goes through my childrens emails phones or computer files. you know what if my 14yr old son decided he wanted to watch porn on his computer i wouldnt care. just keep the sound down lock the door and dont download virusis. end of story.
i will not however approve of my 13year old daughter dating a 18year old. as for sex id perfer she wait till she was older but if not shes getting on birthcontrol and if she doesnt have condoms ill supply them this way there is no excuss as to not use them.
i had very strict parents growing up and i rebled because of it. i dont want kids doing the same but if i was snooping through their shit i would expect nothing more from them.
Merry - posted on 03/19/2012
You take away the computer and don't let her go anywhere or do anything besides church and school. I'm sorry but shes 13....she doesn't run the show so you tell her reality. I have my kids facebook passwords and I am their friends and I check theirs whenever I see fit.
Tabitha - posted on 03/18/2012
Kelsey, I understand what you're saying as I am a daughter as well. I remember thinking how mean my mom was when she would hear something in our small town and wouldn't tell me who she heard it from. I would get so angry at her for what I considered an invasion of my privacy when she would check my purse for cigarettes because someone had seen me smoking and told her about it. Why couldn't she just be my friend? Why couldn't she just trust me? That's how I felt.
Now I'm the mother of 5 children and I understand why it had to be done. It's not my job for my kids and their friends to think I'm the cool parent. It's not my job to be their friend. It's not my job to always keep them happy. It's not my job to always spare their feelings. My job is to keep them safe, while I still have the power to do so. My job is to teach them how to be safe so that when they're on their own, they know what to do. My job is to love them and teach them things I've learned along the way. We get 18 short years to prepare them for the rest of their lives. And I'm giving 110% the whole way!
We have open communication because I have always been in their "business" and they know it. They know they can come to me with problems and they do. They talk to me about things their friends have gotten into trouble for, they talk to me when good things happen, they talk to me when bad things happen. Yes, there have been times one of them didn't want to talk to me about something(that happens in every family). But it's usually when they've done something they know I wouldn't approve of. They'll come to me and tell me about it because they know I'll most likely find out anyway. And they know it's better for me to hear it from them. Yes, I log in on their FB pages because I know what's out there. I don't want to be the mom that says "I didn't know he was being bullied on the internet", after he's committed suicide. I don't want to be the mom that says "I didn't know she was meeting older guys for sex thru FB" after she's been raped and murdered by a pedophile. I don't want to be the mom that says "I didn't know that she and her friends were using FB private messages to plan on having babies together in high school" after my teenage daughter gives birth. I want to prevent these things from happening, and teach my kids the right thing to do and the right way to handle things. If I have to hurt some feelings or "intrude" along the way, so be it. When they're parents, they'll understand. As a kid, there were times I thought I hated my mother. She held her ground and sometimes that was annoying. But now as an adult, my mom is one of my best friends. My brothers and sisters feel the same way.
I tell my kids "I'm not here to be your friend, we'll be friends when you're an adult...Right now, I'm your Mama!"
Kayla - posted on 03/17/2012
If you are really worried there are ways to find out her password, if you are tech savvy lol I can tell you exactly how. If you want an easier way make her watch the show "To catch a predator" on NBC. That's what my mom did when I was 14 and asked her if I could get a fb account. I was so creeped out by that show and what could easily happen on the internet that I waited til I was older and knew how to spot something fishy lol
Kelsey - posted on 03/17/2012
i really have no idea why all you parents are being so invasive with your children. you have to let them be all of my sisters have fb exept for the youngest(4) and the only people who have mi mom as friends are me and my one sister because we WANT to not because we HAVE to. if you dont give them their privacy and trust that they are going to be responsible they are never going to tell you anything. you should sit down with her and help them set up their privacy settings to something you are both comfortable with and then leave it at that!
Jennifer - posted on 03/17/2012
It sounds like you are not asking *if* you should delete her acct, but HOW to do so without a password.And as far as I know, there's not really a way to deactivate an account without a password..although legally, you might have an angle since she is a minor child and you are legally able to make decisions for her...until they are 18 their signatures and agreements are not legally binding....it might be worth emailing facebook and see what they say.
my advice - don't allow her to use the computer unless she shares her passwords and friends you
My kids still have to give me their passwords (and friend me) at 13 but once they are older teens I back off unless I'm concerned about risky or illegal behaviors.
If you really wanted to, you could install a keystroke logger and find her password that way. Remember though, she can always just create a new account that you don't know about .
I do tell my kids that there is no expectation of privacy on the internet, but I try to balance that with allowing them some privacy with their friends. While they do need to respect my rules as parent, they also need to individuate and have their own space...If we respect that, then they have less to push back against.
I want their passwords because I want them to realize that anything written down online lasts forever and no matter how private you think a post or message is, the possibility of it being seen by people you didn't want to see it is very real.
the thought that mom may be able to read their posts- even though I probably wont- is a good way for them to be aware that they always need to be mindful of what they share online.
Tabitha - posted on 03/17/2012
Yes, you can deactivate a FB page! I have the passwords for my 2 older sons fb accounts and I check it almost daily. Because even if she "friends" you, she can set it up to where you can't see her posts. Unless you have the passwords, you won't know what kind of private messages are being sent or received. We go thru their friends list about every other week to make sure that the friends they have on there are people that they really know. There is no expectation of privacy on the internet and where my children are concerned, they have no privacy from me! Everything is open, they have no problem telling me things because they pretty much know that in this small town, I'm gonna find out anyway. But when you're dealing with the internet there's so much more to consider...cyber-bullying, pedophiles, con artists. Tell your daughter that if she doesn't keep the passwords handy, she won't be gettin on the computer or usin her cell phone.
Candi - posted on 03/14/2012
My 13 yr old has a FB. I told him I would allow it under certain conditions. 1)he has to accept friend requests from me, his dad,a nd grandparents. aunts, uncles, and cousins are optional. 2)I have to approve ALL of his friends. 3)Only accept people he is friends with. No FB friends or anyone he doesn't speak to on a daily basis. No friend collectors in my house. 4) He is not allowed to use a picture of himself as a profile pic. His friends know what he looks like. No one else needs to see him. 5)It must be locked down so NO ONE can see anything on it except his friends.
Its not that bad. He has completely accepted the rules and even requested me as a friend first. I never go on his page and we play games together on it, but thats it. Just give her some rules and a little trust. At this age privacy is a huge deal. Good luck
Christine - posted on 03/10/2012
I have a 14yr old daughter, a 19yrs old daughter, and a 22yr old son and I'm friends with all three on FB. As far as your 13yr daughter she wouldn't have a choice your the mother and that's why she's the child period. I never go on my 14yr olds but if I told her to let me see it trust me she would or it would be gone bottom line . There's been times when my 14yr old posted something on her wall and I didn't like it and told her to take it off and she did and my 19yr old as well. It's called respecting your parents Honestly that's why children are so bad nowadays cause their allowed to do whatever. I asked my father once why he wanted us afraid of him and he responded "cause you'll turn out better that way" and he was so right and he was \in all our business and yup I hated it but now I know it was because he loved me . Be their parents first and their friends later,...My son hated how much i was in his business but now at 22 he knows it was because I loved him . Some people see it as being nosy I see it as being a good parent and looking out for your children and their best interest
Sally - posted on 03/08/2012
she either friends you or doesn't have facebook. if she wants private convo's with friends they can use a email or talk in school. im friends on all my kids and believe me im gald i am . my youngest is15 . have you seen some of the stuff posted on fb. i have reported people. keep her safe.
Lisa - posted on 03/07/2012
I would say friend me or delete page. And so much can happen with facebook. Anyone can message her at anytime. She can make her page private but there are ways around that. Its not at all secure and they say it is.Personally to me why would a 13 year old need a facebook. My kids wont have a facebook .They arent even allowed near a computer without one of us in the room. Im not over protective but seriously I dont trust the internet anyone can get in contact with them.
MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 03/07/2012
it has always been 13... ;)
Mother - posted on 03/07/2012
Nevermind.....age limit is 13. When did that change?
Mother - posted on 03/07/2012
Don't you have to be 16 to have a FB account?? It's sneaky but you could turn her in?!?!? That....or take her PC privileges away.
MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 03/07/2012
Nope, can't delete it but you can take away the PC.
In my house the rule is you either friend me or you don't get to use it. However, I also setup my daughter's PC and I can get into her FB account if need be. I have never had to as of yet (on my own) but, can if required. I also make her give me her password. She has been told it is for her protection. If she changes it (which of course she can) and I do happen to need to look on the account, find the password I have does not work. Well, she knows as well as I know. Her PC is gone. It is mine to begin with, she got it for Christmas from me. It is in my home, so technically it is mine, she just gets to use it. ;)
The way I see it is they are our children, they are under our roof and they need to be protected! Even if they don't think they do, they do. A 13 year old (my daughter's age) has no understanding of what can occur on the internet. They can recite what could happen but I guarentee most of them do not think anything bad will EVER happen to them. We as parents know this is untrue.
One problem at school can send a downward spiral of cyber bullying. I for one must have access in order to keep my daughter protected. Nothing more, nothing less. I trust her, I just don't trust all the other's. ;)
Actually, there was a slight problem between her and her best friend (not anymore). I had to view all the content, my daughter did with me. Then I had to call the mother. This other girl was definitely being bullyish.
Krista - posted on 03/07/2012
Good point, Teresa. I agree completely. I think I was expressing it more from how the daughter would likely see it.
But either way, the privacy setting thing is a must.
Teresa - posted on 03/07/2012
Tell her to accept your friend request or she doesn't need to be using a computer outside of in school....
The talk Krista mentions is also part of a great plan to go along w/ the friend approval. I WILL monitor my child's (when their old enough.. oldest 2 are 10) Facebook account. It's a lot different than sitting around talking w/ friends since once something is out in cyberspace it can be permanently beyond your control.
Krista - posted on 03/07/2012
You can't really. She's 13 years old, so FB won't delete her account as long as she's not using it inappropriately.
I can understand why she doesn't want to friend you or give you the passwords. She wants her privacy. She may not be doing anything BAD, per se, but she just doesn't want her mother being privy to the conversations she has with her friends, and I can't really blame her for that. When you were her age, sitting and chatting with your friends, would you have wanted your mother in the same room, listening to every word you say?
So why not just sit down and talk with her and say, "Look. I'm not interested in invading your privacy. I know that you don't want me to see what you and your friends are talking about, and that's fine. But there are some scumbags on FB who are really tricky and will try to harm younger girls, and I just want to make sure that you're being safe and careful. I'll let you have your Facebook, but only if you let me adjust your privacy settings so that your photos and wall can only be seen by your actual friends, and not by every other FB user out there." If she protests, then she doesn't get to use the computer anymore .
Here is a good article about how to adjust FB privacy settings in order to protect your teen.