Abortion Scenario

Nikki - posted on 11/30/2010 ( 77 moms have responded )

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Ok, yes I know there are lots of abortion conversations right now, but I am interested to hear some responses of this scenario. Now, this question is in response to all the mums out there that are pro choice but have stated that they would never personally have an abortion. (me included) God forbid that this ever happens to anyone but I am interested to hear other's responses on the implications of becoming pregnant as a result of rape when you are in a committed relationship and have a family of your own. How would your partner feel? Would you take his feelings into consideration when considering abortion?

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Jo - posted on 12/03/2010

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Found this quite interesting and fitting to our conversation here; on Oprah today, she's interviewing Rebecca Babcock, the biological daughter of child murderer Diane Downs. Rebecca was born 10 days after Diane was sentanced to life in prison and adopted days later.



She always knew that she was adopted. Her adopted family was "ideal" as she described it and she had all the love in the world from her adopted family. When she was 8 she started to ask questions and when she was 11 she found out who her real mother was. When she was 14 she saw the TV movie made about Diane Downs and she went into a downward spiral of drugs, booze and sex.



She ended up pregnant at 17 and a few years later, pregnant again. She gave her son up for adoption and her downward spiral continued. She reached out to Diane Downs... trying to find out who she was. She ultimately realized that her biological mother was NUTS and she ended up asking her therapist if that is who she is too.





Like I was saying before - children who's parents are 'bad people' generally find it as a reflection of themselves. It really doesn't matter how loving of a family they are raised in - at some point in their life, they will question who they really are.



I agree with you, Toni, that children need to know about their relatives. I meant that I don't think it's necessary for a child to know they're the product of rape until they are mentally / emotionally ready to cope with that - and have the tools and resources available TO cope with that. No 'child' is ready to deal with it, I meant they were at an age, and a mentally/emotionally stable stage in their life and confidence to understand what that means.

Isobel - posted on 11/30/2010

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The youngest mother on record is 6....would you force her to carry that child knowing that the very act would likely kill or maim her for life? If not...you are pro-choice...congratulations.

Jodi - posted on 12/01/2010

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I actually think putting this scenario to any woman who has never been raped, resulting in a pregnancy, is difficult, because I don't think a single one of us could possibly know how we would feel unless it happened. I honestly can't answer this question because I really HATE the thought of abortion for myself, but I would never presume to make that decision for anyone else, and I couldn't say how I would feel under a variety of circumstances unless I was actually having to face that.

Emily - posted on 12/06/2010

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I think the proper thing to do depends on the couple. If the husband thinks he'll have a hard time with the child in the family, then I think he and the wife together should decide to carry the pregnancy to term and give the baby up for adoption. I do not agree with abortion ever so I don't even consider that an option at all. It is not the fault of the child and he/she shouldn't suffer for the sins of its sperm donor.

Mary Renee - posted on 12/03/2010

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Prior to having a child I thought in any circumstance I would NOT have an abortion, although I am pro-choice for other people.

After going through pregnancy and having a child, I believe that I would have an abortion if it was a pregnancy as a result of rape. It would just be so hard for that child, I think, growing up eventually understanding how he was concieved and to know his brothers and sisters were concieved one way and he/she was concieved due to something so traumatic. And having a newborn is difficult enough on it's own, and so emotional, having a child that is your own is a stress enough on itself, having a child in this way would just be full of so many issues. Subconsciously you might not be able to have the same feelings for this child, maybe even resentment that you yourself aren't even aware of but the child would feel and that would just be horrible.

To be honest, I would take the morning after pill as soon as possible. They should be given out with rape kits, in my opinion, to avoid this tragic scenario.

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Stifler's - posted on 06/27/2012

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I considered asking my husband the other day what would happen if I got pregnant again and wanted an abortion. I don't want to know his answer seriously.

Emily - posted on 06/27/2012

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I think that the person who asked about skin color and stuff meant how would you explain it to your other children if you did decide to deliver the baby?

Hannah - posted on 12/09/2010

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i couldnt say for definate what i would do but i know that whatever happend it is never the babies fault.

Amy - posted on 12/09/2010

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I would have to discuss it with my husband. It's not a decision I could make on my own.

Jane - posted on 12/07/2010

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If I were raped, I would take the morning after pill to prevent implantation. If that didn't work, I would abort. Plain and simple for me.

Beck - posted on 12/07/2010

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How about having the child and giving it up adoption. I know I could not have an abortion but I could allow that child to be loved by someone where it hasn't been brought into the world in such a vicious act. Then you know your partner and you could still be okay without having the burden of such a situation over your heads every day. You can work through the adoption together

Caitlin - posted on 12/06/2010

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That seems so cold Brittany.. sure, it's an unborn baby, it did nothing wrong, but on the other hand you wouldn't really care what your husband thinks? You think it would be easy for him living with a child that not only wasn't his, but belonged to a rapist? Would you want a child born into that kind of hostility and hate? He is the man you chose to marry after all, and marriage is a partnership where you agree to do things together and make important decisions together, and this seems like a damn important one..

[deleted account]

I wouldn't do it. If my husband asked me to I'd give him the finger. It's not the baby's fault why should they pay the ultimate price?

Barb - posted on 12/04/2010

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That is a sad point Jodi. I wonder how many moms would support rape education in school without parental involvement.

Jo - posted on 12/04/2010

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Most minors won't report being raped because they are afraid. They don't want their parents to know. There are parents out there create an environment where a child doesn't feel safe telling their parents they were raped.



I know of one particular girl who's parents told her, her friend asked to be raped because she wore those god awful skinny jeans, allowing herself to entice men to be unable to control themselves. They told her, her friend would be damned to hell for not being a virgin before marriage and that no man would EVER love her because she was used. This was only a couple of months ago - not back in the days of Footloose, either.



There are many reasons - MANY REASONS - that women won't report being raped and in turn will never get the morning after pill to avoid pregnancy.



There are MANY women who don't even KNOW that the morning after pill EXIST because they are too sheltered by their parents / environment that they wouldn't even know to go to a pharmacy and just ask for it.



The morning after pill is definitely not 'the answer.' Unfortunately :(

[deleted account]

Ya, it's the same here in Canada, Emma. The main point I was trying to make is that rape victims are not always of sound mind and body after they've been assaulted. Ideally they would report or at the very least go out on their own and purchase the morning after pill but it doesn't always happen that way.

Stifler's - posted on 12/04/2010

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the morning after pill is available OTC in australia though, so you don't really have to report the rape to get it.

Mary Renee - posted on 12/04/2010

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The Morning-After Pill is not abortion... it doesn't "abort" a pregnancy. It prevents one from happening, like a condom, a birth control pill, depo-shot, whatever.



I don't condone USING it as birth control on a regular basis because the hormones are so high it can make you feel naseous or just all-around crappy, but I definitely don't see it as abortion in any respect. I wouldn't have an abortion (although I support others rights to do so...and might if the morning-after pill didn't work in this rape case) but I've taken the morning-after pill after the condom broke when I was with my ex-boyfriend. I just considered it the responsible thing to do.

Rosie - posted on 12/04/2010

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we posted at the same time dana, and your post didn't show up until after i had posted mine, thank you very much!! ;P



and joy, the birth control pill does the same thing, along with ANY type of hormonal birth control. i really don't see how it can be seen as abortion. but i still like your weird ass!!

[deleted account]

Well in that case, y'all are gonna think I'm wierd but I'd probably be torn as to whether or not to take the morning after pill. Like I said in my earlier posts, I can't think of any scenario where I would have an abortion (other than my possible death or if the baby wasn't viable medically), but I am pro-choice and fully believe it should be legal for any woman who would choose that path. I think I'd sort of see that morning after pill as a form of abortion and I'm not saying I wouldn't take it but I also don't know for sure that I would either. I would definitely have to give that pill a lot of thought as well.

Gina - posted on 12/04/2010

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I would abort,there's no way I could survive having that bastards kid.The choice is mine,my body, my choice

Rosie - posted on 12/04/2010

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thats why it's so important to take it soon, cause once it implants it cannot terminate the pregnancy.

[deleted account]

Yup, that's correct. It does not terminate a pregnancy. It either prevents the sperm and egg from fertilizing OR it prevents the fertilized egg from implanting in the uteran wall.

[deleted account]

I have a question about the morning after pill. I was always under the impression that this is how it works: You take the pill and if fertilization of the egg hasn't already happened then the pill prevents it. But if the sperm has already fertilized the egg....you're still pregnant. Is that right? Or does the pill actually discontinue a pregnancy in its earliest stages?

[deleted account]

Ummmm, some people have mentioned "just take the morning after pill" but I want to point out the rapes are HUGELY under reported because of the guilt and shame/embarrassement that go along with it. Not everyone is of sound mind and body just after being raped and there's only a 72 hour window to take the morning after pill. As well, the morning after pill is most effective in the first 24 hours and loses it's effectiveness as time passes. It's not 100% either. There's still a chance you can become pregnant even WITH the morning after pill.

Just sayin...

[deleted account]

You shouldn't be taking lumps outta him like that, he needs those lumps to keep the pulp in! :-p lmao.

Haha, no I can reach all the high spots myself, without needing to stand on anything except my tippy toes. Although when I was on bed rest the other day my mom thought we had run out of tea bags because she was too short to see into my kitchen cupboards, she went and brought us some more, we now have enough to last us an entire year, we are not big tea drinkers, bless her lol.

My bro eats loads too I think it's to fill their hollow legs personally, it stops them blowing away in a strong wind whereas if their legs are empty well...

Barb - posted on 12/04/2010

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Jr has always been like a bean pole but he eats and i mean eat eats. He leaves tomorrow for USMC boot camp. (each time i say or type that my breath catches a little) it's going to be alright. But he is a little under weight so we've been trying to fatten him up. He's been eating two plates of food at every meal. At thanksgiving he ate 4 plates and half of a pumpkin pie. After thanksgiving weigh in, he lost two pounds. I warned him not to complain to any girls because they will probably beat the pulp out of him, and he needs that pulp for weigh in. *evil mom grin*

We've been hitting the carbs and protein with weight training and i just don't know what to do to keep the weight on this kid.
When your brother comes to visit do you give him a dust rag to get the high spots? LOL
I did that to Jr.. he said "look mom! i can touch that ceiling.. i said "that's GREAT! hold on a sec!" i went and got the dust spray and a rag, put it in his shocked hands and said "now you can do the ceiling fans without a chair, bonus!"

[deleted account]

I love it haha, I have to admit that I still tell people about my little brother, who is 24 yo and 6'2"ish and like a bean pole - I have to look up to him and I'm not short at 5'9" :-) I suppose it is just a habit we all do lol. Our poor sons hey...

Barb - posted on 12/04/2010

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LOL Toni, i remember my 80 year old grandma hugging my 45year old dad (really old to my 12 year old eyes) and calling him her baby boy. i don't think it ever ends.



It just seemed so funny to me because Dad was a big man, 6'3" and probably 280 and gma was itty bitty, like 4' 11" and maybe 90 lbs soaking wet.



At 12 i didn't realize he was a baby I just wondered how that little woman made that HUGE man.



edited to add, see my new thumbnail? i'm 5' 7" hahaha



the thumbnail won't let me fit Bob and Debbie in, they are on either side of us. But the man on my left is my Jr.

[deleted account]

Jodi I completely agree and would never tell a child that their father was a rapist, I would probably give them information like that when they were at the very least an older teen. I agree that finding out information like that when the child is not mature enough to cope with it is extrememly damaging. I knew what I meant I obviously wasn't very clear in how I conveyed it to you, sorry. When I talk about my child I am not always seeing them as an actual child, similarly I am 26 yo and my mom still tells people I'm her baby girl.

Stifler's - posted on 12/04/2010

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Isn't that why they have the morning after pill? I'd pay the money myself and get it. I'd have an abortion if I got pregnant as a result of rape and it didn't work. But if I was pregnant to my partner I doubt I'd ever abort that baby. I wouldn't want to put myself or an innocent child through the trauma of carrying a rapists baby.

Kimberly - posted on 12/03/2010

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If it were a different world, I would probably keep the pregnancy and raise the child or find an adoptive family. But there is precedent for rapists to be given parental rights over a child that was the result of said rape. Rapists have been given full custody when the mother want to give the child up for adoption, and women have been forced to co-parent with their rapists. It is the hardest thing in the world to know that your children are spending time with a sexual predator (I know, I'm dealing with that situation everyday) even when the children were conceived under good circumstances. I can't imagine being able to handle the trauma in the same situation when the only reason the child even exists is because of violence. I would abort. It's not a good choice IMO, but it would be the least horrible of the choices I had facing me.

[deleted account]

"I don't think it's wrong to say that their bio-dad made mistakes, or even a big mistake, that makes it impossible for them to be apart of their life."

That is a much better way to say it. I think it is a really hard situation and before I spoke to my child about it I would get professional advice and would consider the words I use to tell them, so they wouldn't be just thrown together randomly as these words are.

I feel that although it is horrendous to hear people need to know about their relatives, and it is worse if they are not told especially now where we have the internet and many other ways to find information. I would rather it was me who told my child about their father than them googling it and discovering it on their own.

I agree that where possible parents should not bad mouth each other to the children because that has a very negative impact on the children. However, telling them the facts (not brutal indepth info but basic facts) is not bad mouthing them it is the truth.

Jo - posted on 12/02/2010

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I dunno, as much as you can tell your child that the man raising them is the influence that guides them - from my experience with people who have a 'bad guy' or 'bad girl' as a parent - they always end up wondering if that is who they are too. They always end up seeing it as a reflection of themselves.



I don't think it's wrong to say that their bio-dad made mistakes, or even a big mistake, that makes it impossible for them to be apart of their life. I just really don't like the idea of 1 parent outright calling the other parent a bad person. Even if it is ultimately true.



I also don't know if it's necessary that the child has to find out that they are a product of rape. I think that all completely depends on the child and their behavior and mentality.



I really have always been against talking shit about the other parent ever, in any circumstance though. I don't believe in lying to kids either, especially about information that may give them answers to personal questions about their own mind, body, psyche and behavior.



I think it's a tricky balance that a family (that chose to kept a baby that was the result of rape) would have to agree to address completely within their family and possibily even with a professional for the best possible support system for that child to accept and understand who they are.



That being said.. I can't answer the question honestly. Being pregnant now, knowing the connection I felt with this baby at less than 5 weeks... I can't say I would have an abortion. I was raped when I was younger and I know the brutality of what goes on in your mind and body and I can't say that I wouldn't have an abortion either.



It breaks my heart to even think about it. So I'm not going to think about it personally, but I do think that every woman who is put in this position really has to be above herself and think about so many factors.



The pregnancy, her safety, the well being of the baby, her partner, her children if she has any, her family whether they would accept the baby or would she have to face leaving family behind for her decision, whether her and her partner and family are capable of really giving the baby all the necessary support they will need as they grow up and learn about how they came into the world.........



It'd be a big decision, no matter what stance anyone has now in a hypothetical scenario... I am glad though that there are options available, no matter what anyone chooses.

[deleted account]

Not if you explain that their father does not make them who they are, their daddy does - the man who raised them has a much larger impact than their sperm donor, although don't phrase it like that.

Jo - posted on 12/02/2010

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I dunno how I feel about telling a kid their bio-dad is a bad person that does bad things... sure it's true... but I'm really huge on NEVER talking shit about a childs other parent because kids seem to always see it as a reflection of themselves.

[deleted account]

Caitlin to answer your new questions.

1) What about the response from friends and family?

Well all the people whose opinions I care about would know I had been raped, my support network and they also know of our troubles in conceiving and would understand why we kept the baby.

Also I have other races as part of my extended family who could help too.

2) Do you pretend the child's father is dead?/ Do you tell th echild you don't know who the daddy is?

No, that is the wrong thing to do, when told things early in life children are very accepting of information. I would tell my child age appropriate information as I said in my initial post, so I would tell them that their father was a bad man who did bad things and is being punished for them and their daddy (my hubby) loves them so much and chose to be their daddy - which imo is not a bad thing, any man can be a father only good men can be daddy's!

I would gauge the child's maturity as to when they were told the truth because everybody deserves to know the truth..

Caitlin - posted on 12/02/2010

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Interesting answers, I'm glad it wouldn't make a difference really to know. I was wondering mostly because it would be the explaining it to family members and friends. "Oh, that baby can't be your husbands" or "You obviously cheated on him!" and the inevitable shocker response "Actually, I was raped.."

Either way, I was thinking not so much about the love you'd have for the child, but the response from friends and family that are close to the family already that wouldn't really understand the situation, and the child is pretty much going to know they are different. It's one thing to tell your child that you have a different daddy and the child gets to know their real father, but it's another thing to be the only mixed race child (for instance) in a single race family and to not know your father. Do you pretend he's dead? Do you tell the child you don't know who the daddy is?

Those were more the questions on my mind...

[deleted account]

Yes Laura I would, except in instances where the mother would die or the fetus was incompatible with life, I swing both ways on rape because I don't think the fetus should be punished but on the other hand the woman did nothing wrong either so why should she (I really struggle with rape).



However, I do feel before we can reach the stage where abortion can be made illegal there needs to be huge steps in education on safe sex, contraception and people's opinions on pre-marital children, so people who do become pregnant by accident out of wedlock/ a long term relationship they are not frowned upon or ostracized from their families.

[deleted account]

Caitlin, I already have the potential to have a black child due to my heritage so the race is irrelevant to me, it was a huge joke when I was preggers first time that our child would be a Terry's Chocolate Orange because of my black ancestry and my hubby's strong ginger gene...

Christina - posted on 12/01/2010

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If I got preg through rape, I'd abort hands down. I've been raped before, and its not a pleasant experience to say the least. I have conceived before from rape, but it was different because I knew the man. I can honestly say that I wouldn't hesitate twice to abort for a rape. I wouldn't be able to carry a baby, wondering the entire time if it was my rapists baby or my husbands. And I'm not selfish enough to wait long enough into my pregnancy for a DNA test.

[deleted account]

You know, I've been thinking about the race part of the question and I have to say, I don't see how it would matter if say I (a white woman with a white husband and a white son) were raped by say a black guy and had a mixed baby. For him to look different than we do or our son does wouldn't be an issue at all. I mean, has anyone seen the Jolie - Pitt clan lately? LOL And besides that, there are a LOT of mixed families out there. I have a friend (she's white) whose oldest son(from her first marriage...a white guy) is as pale a shade of white a person can be. Her middle child is mixed (black and white...from her second husband) and is this beautiful creamed coffee color. Her youngest (with the same man as the middle child) came out DARK. I mean really dark. A very beautiful baby girl without the slightest hint of white in her. No one looks at her sideways about it. It's not uncommon to see such mixed color families as it used to be (thankfully). So if I were raped by a man of a different race, the color of the baby's skin would have nothing to do with my decision to keep or give the baby up for adoption. My emotional status at the time would, and my husband's opinion and heart.

Edited to fix a few grammar errors that were driving me batty lol

Meghan - posted on 12/01/2010

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Only 29% of rapes are reported- according to my Criminology textbook
Well, in this scenario if I find out early enough and technically it wouldn't be a baby I would abort. And my partner, yea wouldn't really care what he wanted. Being raped is a traumatic enough experience and I don't know that I could look at the baby the same way I look at my son. Although I have a strong dislike for his dad now, at the time he was made from love (gross, just threw up in my mouth a bit).

[deleted account]

In the case of rape....



How would your partner feel?



I don't know and I don't care. Ok, that was harsh but you know what I mean.



Would you take his feelings into consideration when considering abortion?



I would listen and consider his thoughts but ultimately the choice would be mine and I would hope that he would be behind me 100% no matter what!

Catherine - posted on 12/01/2010

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I couldn't imagine having a child a result of a rape, but I still wouldn't be comfortable with an abortion. One option in this scenario is a morning after pill (normally offered as part of a rape-kit exam at a hospital or available at a pharmacy). These pills are not abortive -- they prevent you from becoming pregnant if taken during a short window following the rape or unprotected sex. I don't think these pills should be used regularly or in place of birth control, but I think that to protect from pregnancy in the case of rape is the perfect use for them.

Barb - posted on 12/01/2010

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It is very interesting and encouraging throughout this thread that the choice each person has made has not be judged or commented on. Whether they have decided on abortion, carrying the baby to term and keeping it or adoption, no one has made one critical statement about their choice or ability to do so, no matter the reasons, and to me, THAT is what being pro choice is all about. Making your own choice for what is best for you and your family considering the circumstances.

Caitlin - posted on 12/01/2010

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Another interesting spin on the issue to those who said they would keep the child would be if you have children already in a relationship, and you are raped by someone of another race, so that child would be visibly very different from your other children, would you still chose that option? I was wondeirng about that too, would that be a deciding factor? Would that scenario make you more likely to give the child up for adoption?

Mary - posted on 12/01/2010

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I think Jodi makes a valid point. Until I was in the situation described in the OP, I really have no idea how I would react. I am "one of those people" who supports the woman's right to choose, while asserting that abortion is not an option I would choose for myself.

Like many on here have said, if I was raped tomorow, I would most definitely pursue the morning after pill. If that failed...I honestly don't know. The more I think on this, the more I think I would be more likely to abort. If I was single, and had no other children, I don't think that I would have. Having a husband and child really changes my perspective on this. I *think* I could have continued with a pregnancy resulting from rape on my own, but I'm not sure I could, or would subject my husband and child to that.

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