Acceptable for a grandparent to spoil every grandkid except one?

Amy - posted on 05/11/2010

I don't think it's acceptable, and if I had to guess maybe it's because of your connection with your boyfriends mother. Although ti's just sad to think that happens!

Have you tried getting to know your boyfriends mom a little more? Maybe you can create a bond with her and/or figure out why she's doing that, and feel a little more comfortable confronting her about it.

Amber - posted on 05/10/2010

One of my friends had this issue, but their only grandchildren are hers. So, it was 2 of her children favored over the third(youngest) She spoke to her mother in law about it and nothing changed.

So, she now told her that unless all the children went with her, none of them went with her. And unless they all get a gift, nobody gets a gift. It made things tense for a while, and they didn't come get the kids for 3 weeks. But they eventually complied when they realized she meant it and now all the children enjoy time with their grandparents.

September - posted on 05/10/2010

Best wishes to you and your family Cynthia! :) I'm sure you give your sweetie all the love she needs and we all know that's what's most important! :)

Rosie - posted on 05/08/2010

maybe you shouldn't jump to conclusions just yet, until you know for sure that it's just not her age that is the issue. kids that young grow out of clothes very fast, and there isn't much else to buy. if she still continues to do it after she gets to be older like 2 or something then yeah, she's a jerk-hole.

my husband had to deal with it with his stepdads parents. they would buy his sister (who's biologically their granddaughter) loads of stuff for christmas, my husband got a tire pump. he thinks they're a-holes and he hasn't talked to them ever since i've known him (9years). it hurts growing up, but after a while they learn that they're jerks. just encourage the good relationship she has with other grandparents and she won't be missing anything.

Meghan - posted on 05/07/2010

totally wrong..both set of my ex's parents do this! They spoil and visit all the other grandkids (granted all of the grandkids live in the same city as each other) but both sets of his parents live about an equal drive from them to me and my son. Guess they just don't like me, but I don't haer from them, don't get money for clothes...nothing, while we live with my mom and she helps out when things get rough. Yet they expect me to drop everything the 1 or 2 times a year they do want to see him and expect me to let them have over night visits....sigh it's hard not to be bitter. I don't really care about the money end of things. It's the fact that they act like they give a you know what when really they don't!

Amy - posted on 05/07/2010

Erin- Beleive me I make a trip to Deseret Industries about every three months just to get rid of stuff my kids wont wear or outgrown

Teresa - posted on 05/07/2010

Good luck is all I can say!! I can relate on a similar level. My stepsister has been living w/ my dad and stepmom since she was 6ish months pregnant w/ her 5 year old daughter. My THREE are always slighted because of my dad and stepmom's relationship w/ my niece. To a point I can understand it... At least I tried when my ex was still w/ us and my stepsister was a single mom. However I'VE been single for 2 years now and nothing has changed.



Just a little taste of what I'm talking about... my dad and stepmom took my niece on a 2 week vacation (Disneyland, etc...) and they left the DAY before my son's first bday. :(



Sorry, I have no advice on how to keep your cool. Just know that you aren't alone. My dad doesn't even SEE my kids (other than bdays and holidays) unless I make all the effort and we only live 15 minutes apart....

Jaime - posted on 05/07/2010

I'm in the same boat and I've had months and months of being frustrated and not knowing what to say or do about it...and finally I have decided that I cannot change the situation regardless of what I say or do, so I just have to let it go. That really is all that you can do about it. Even if you or your boyfriend talk to his mother, it doesn't mean she'll change her ways...and you can't force someone to change all you can do is change your attitude about it. Yes, it sucks because it's not easy for us to watch other kids in the family get showered with love, attention and material affection...but it's not the end of the world. Grandparents are important for children, but in most cases they are not the sole provider of necessities or even extras, nor should they be expected to be. I realize that it's easier said than done to just let it go and move on, but that is what you have to do. Your daughter isn't going to know or feel any less love because she didn't get the same amount of material affection as her cousins and sibling. The only way it will become an issue for her is if you make it that way.

I don't want my son to grow up thinking that he was put on the back-burner by his family just because that's how I feel...so I've let it go and I've really just focused on our family (my son and me) and giving him the love and support that he absolutely needs above all else. Children are resilient and they will know when they are older, who they can trust and who they can depend on.

Erin - posted on 05/07/2010

Amy: If you have a ton of crap for your 3 little ones then maybe you can go through all the clothes and take them to a consignment store and get your older child different clothes? Just a thought!

If your house is filling up with crap for the 8 yr old then maybe you can send it back to grammas? I think it is also probably due to Gramma not getting to see the baby so much? She probably got to see the twins...or atleast would have made a point as they were the only kids w/those parents?

We didn't spend much time with our grandparents and therefore weren't real close with them, or care to see them. Gramma will get hers if this continues later. If it does persist when the child is older then I would say something, if you don't before then!

Amy - posted on 05/07/2010

I know how you feel exactly. My husbands mother will go and buy a ton of stuff for our younger three children but not our oldest. (She's not biologically his). It totally drives me nuts. She'll bring over bags of new clothes she just bought at the store and there's nothing for the oldest one. I have a ton of clothes in boxes in my shed as hand me downs between all my girls so I don't need new clothes. My poor oldest one is wearing the same things to school all the time because I can't afford to go buy her clothes at every sale.
I've had to have my husband ask repeatedly that she not buy anything for my kids unless its birthdays or Holidays that way everyone gets something. My oldest has mentioned the fact the she doesn't like her Nana. Doesn't want to spend time with them or anything else. So yeah your child is going to notice it eventually.
Sorry I'm not much help.

Cynthia - posted on 05/07/2010

First off, thanks for all the responses ladies!

September- I know how that is too! My siblings and I were the outcasts of my dad's side of the family because we weren't the perfect little Catholics they expected us to be... I went quite a few years without talking to any of them, and there is a lot of resentment still there!

My boyfriend's mom doesn't see my daughter too often... this is because she doesn't ask to, and I hate having to ask anyone to spend time with my daughter or asking anyone to babysit. This comes from a situation with my sister- we were pregnant at the same time, she's 18 and still living with my mom, and my mom has to take care of her kid a LOT... so I feel bad asking anyone to watch my daughter (especially my mom, as she's always taking care of a baby).

April- I didn't say my boyfriend wasn't talking about his kids, I said when his mom talks to me concerning the kids, it's always about the older girl and not my baby.

I agree that my kid doesn't need all that crap- but neither does the 8 year old, she's filling up the house with all her crap she doesn't need! Lol. I kinda wish grammy would buy them BOTH nothing lol.

Susanne- awesome way of thinking!

Susanne - posted on 05/07/2010

Ive had the same with my husbands parents, his nieces and nephews were spoiled rotten while my stepdaughter and my sons were ignored more or less. I was told by my mother in law when i was pregnant with my oldest not to ask for help or for her to babysit because she had done it with her other grandkids but she didnt want to do it with mine. My oldest son is now 11 and he doesnt care about his grandparents at all, hes accept the way they are and isnt bothered. Difference is my in laws were annoyed because my kids had no interest in them at all, my mother in law was even upset because my kids wouldnt accept sweets from her one day, didnt occur to her that my kids had learnt at an early age they learnt that their cousins would get a big bag of sweets and mine would have one or two if they were lucky so they never accepted any. My advice would be to teach your child not to care, tell them that their grandparents dont really care about anyone but themselves.

Lyndsay - posted on 05/06/2010

I don't think you should wait for your boyfriend to say anything. I think you should say something to her yourself. It could be that she doesn't realize its such a big deal to you. You should tell her how you feel, that you're worried about your child's feelings when she grows up.

April - posted on 05/06/2010

you should point this out to your boyfriend and his mother. find a simple, decent way to mention that you are worried that your daughter will feel left out down the road .

if the case is that she cannot bond with your daughter, why not invite her over for dinner and try getting her to spend time with your daughter?

on the opposite end of the spectrum, im worried that your boyfriend isnt bonding either. why would he only mention his 8 year old and not his infant? they are both his kids!

Brandy - posted on 05/06/2010

I was going to say even before I got to the part where you wrote about bonding that maybe it's because she's not as close with you and isn't sure where her place is with you yet or whether or not you would feel offended or annoyed if she did. Also, the more she sees the kids, the more she is going to spoil them/by them things so if you aren't bringing your daughter around her and spending as much time with her grandma, then she doesn't have the same opportunities to treat your daughter to new things. I think it will happen more as your daughter gets older and her own bond with her grandmother grows but right now she is still a baby and you and her probably spend most of your time together so if you don't spend alot of time with grandma, neither can she at that age.



I have a really close bond with my mother and I feel it's closer than my brother's bond with her. His daughter is 3 months younger than mine. We live an hour and a half from them while my brother has been living in their basement while he is building his own house. So, of course, she ends up going into town with grandma quite often and always gets a treat or toy of some kind. We only get a visit from her once or twice a month depending on how busy they are but she always makes a point of us all going to the store together so she can get something for Brooklyn. She still doesn't get even close to what my neice gets but I honestly don't think she needs all that extra crap. lol. And alot of times she will bring something with her for Brooklyn that she bought while at the store with my neice.

Ashley - posted on 05/06/2010

How sad...I would be irked to say the least! Your hubby needs to understand how you feel and should talk to his mom. If not, maybe you could talk to her? I'm not sure on your relationship with her, but I talk to my mother in-law often and when my hubby can't tell her things, I do.
All she is doing is teaching the other grandkids to expect gifts. Grandparents usually love to spoil, but there has to be a limit. Maybe talk to her about purchasing bigger gifts (like the DS) that she should discuss it with you before just splurging? How often does she get to see your baby girl?

September - posted on 05/06/2010

Not acceptable at all! Growing up my siblings and I were the outcast on my Mom's side of the family where all the other grandchildren were treated like royalty. It's only created a ton of resentment and hate and I still have a hard time dealing with the feelings as an adult. It's the children that truly suffer and it's not fair! If I were you I would speak up and express your feelings. I've done this since becoming an adult and I feel much better having done so. Your child should not have to be treated that way and you're right there will come a time where she is old enough to see and understand what's going on and no child should have to deal with those types of feelings. Good luck and best wishes!

Sarah - posted on 05/06/2010

I've got a situation sort of similar.
My Mum ALWAYS goes and stays with my sister and looks after her kids for entire weekends and stuff. Whereas she hardly ever comes to visit me and even more rarely babysits.

My husbands Mum often babysits for her other 2 grandchildren, takes them out for the day etc etc. but she's never done that for our kids.

It is really annoying that our kids get treated differently and have less time spent with them than the other grandkids. Makes me wonder if there's something wrong with my kids! lol. Maybe they just don't like spending time with them.

Anyway, i totally understand your annoyance! No gems of advice though i'm afraid! :)