Anonymous: Is "Sexting" cheating?

[deleted account] ( 64 moms have responded )

Anonymous:



We are having some intimacy issues and they are mostly I (age 31) no longer feel sexy after having his 2 kids and never losing the baby weight. Some depression and have always had low self esteem. Today I find out by accident that he(age 38) is sexting some 24 year old little girl he met through a friend. He left his facebook logged in and when I went to his computer to help our 4 year old play a learning game I find a message from her that she was thinking of him while showering and would love to see him soon. I immediately called him and asked WTF is going on?!?!? He says they have traded sex stories and that is it and I have to believe that because he goes to work and comes home, never works later than normal either. But come on just because we are having some problems. Who the F*** does she think she is sexting my husband.



He is coming home early from work to talk but I am beyond pissed off. I want to find this little girl and rip her hair out! He is in for a "fun" evening if he doesn't back off this thing with her then I will pack up my kids and leave so he can go play with the little skank.

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Krista - posted on 08/10/2010

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I agree with Joanne. Not only is this cheating, but you're directing your anger mostly towards her, not him. She doesn't owe you squat -- but HE took vows to be faithful to you.



My rule of thumb with fidelity is this: if it's not something you'd feel comfortable doing in front of your spouse, then you shouldn't be doing it. And there's a big difference between social flirting (an older male acquaintance at a party saying something like "Well, aren't YOU looking lovely this evening, Krista! Krista's hubby, you'd better keep your eye on this one, or someone's going to try to steal her away!") and completely inappropriate communication (anything involving showering usually fits the bill...). Flirting is just paying attention to the other person and saying things in order to make them feel good about themselves, and is often non-sexual in nature.



Flirting is fine. Seduction is not.

Jane - posted on 01/18/2011

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I don't think I can answer you honestly on this without pissing you off but I'm gonna try. Is what he's doing cheating? Yes, I think it is. Now, for the part you might get pissed at. Men need sex. You not feeling sexy is not his issue...it's yours and you need to deal with that otherwise you're going to continue to have problems. Do not blame "HER". She didn't do anything except respond to him. He's the one you're married to and he's the one who is 100% responsible for the situation. Blaming her or being pissed at her or wanting to rip her hair out is childish. Place the blame where it belongs.

I honestly think you two need to go to counseling. If you are not having sex, that's an issue that needs to be dealt with. If he's straying, that's an issue that needs to be dealt with. You're anger needs to be redirected into fixing the problems at hand and honestly, I don't think you're going to fix this on your own or together without help. I'm sorry if you're mad but I feel as though I needed to be honest.

LaCi - posted on 09/30/2010

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"a message from her that she was thinking of him while showering and would love to see him soon."

That's no longer just an issue of sexting. That is a woman planning on hooking up with your husband, and if it were mine I would assume they had either already done so, or had planned to do so.

Joanne - posted on 08/10/2010

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Sorry Love but you seem to placing all the blame on the other woman rather than on your husband. Yes sexting is cheating! How do u know she evens knows hes married or what lies he has told her? I would be placing most of the blame on him. He has continued engaging with this woman in an inappropriate way knowing he is married. I agree with some of the other ladies that it sounds like they have already met in person. Whether it be emotinal or a sexual relationship your husband has disrespected your marriage. Just because you are having problems in your marriage does not give him the right to go outside of it. If he has issues he needs to talk to you, thats what a marriage is all about...communicating. I would talk to him to see what the story is but personally I would kick him to the curb!

[deleted account]

Everyone has a different sex drive, what is important ladies is that yours and your hubby's/ partners match not how many times a month you have sex, so some would be happy everyday and others only need once a month, regardless it doesn't make anyones relationship any less stable as long as both parties are happy with the situation!

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JuLeah - posted on 09/15/2011

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Why are you mad at her? She might not even know he is married, but even if she does, she didn't make a promise to you; he did. Rip his hair out - why do we always hate the woman???

Jenny - posted on 01/19/2011

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For me, cheating is any sort of behaviour with another that is kept secret from your partner whether that is texting, emailing, going to the peelers or screwing. If you can not be completely open about your behaviour or feel afraid or ashamed you are likely cheating.

Sherri, it is unfortunate that you do not enjoy sex with your husband very often. I just can't see myself being on death's door and thinking "I wish I would have screwed less." I get the feeling you have medical issues that prevent you from enjoying sex. If that happens to match up to your husband's drive then that is a bonus for you. When you do have sex do you initiate or is it more you allow it for your husband? In my circle of friend's once per month is not normal though, once a week would be the average of the people I know.

Krista - posted on 01/19/2011

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That is definitely NOT okay. It's not like he's watching porn in which the end result is him, by himself, in a bathroom with some tissues. The end result of this could lead to infidelity. NOT okay.
I would definitely get to the bottom of it and put a stop to it and there would be some MAJOR trust issues from that point on.
I would insist he cut ties with her and completely block her on facebook.
I'm sorry you're having trouble with your marriage. We're actually around the same age and I just want to say that it is NEVER too late to take back your life. Currently, I'm on my way to losing the baby weight. A hard task, I know. In any case, I know this is anonymous, but if you want to message me I could give you some help with the weight loss. And it's NOT hard to do and requires only light to moderate activity.

Becky - posted on 01/19/2011

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What a cunt, i would stick leg wax on his balls when he is asleep! he can then trade "what happens when you act like a cunt " stories.

Jane - posted on 01/18/2011

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@Sherri...I do not put so much stock in sex to be happy. But in my opinion and many others, including doctors and experts on the subject, sex is an important aspect of a healthy marriage/relationship. I'm glad you're happy...I just couldn't do it. I do not know anyone in my circle of friends...both work and non-work friends that have sex only 1 time or less a month. I guess if it works for you, that's great but not for me.

Nikkole - posted on 01/18/2011

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@Sherri i wasn't saying this about your marriage but the thread her husband could be cheating for many of reasons but from what my husband studied in psychology classes ive learned a little and this is one reason why men cheat not all reasons and not every man cheats just one of the reason's and in NO way am i defending any man that cheats just throwing out some information! Im glad you have a great marriage :)

Sherri - posted on 01/18/2011

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My husband doesn't watch porn and despises strip clubs as well. Jane we are truly happy we don't need to have sex all the time to be happy. We love each other unconditionally but sex isn't that important. Actually I only have 2 friends that average sex more than once a month. It is very very common and it has nothing to do with not being happy in a marriage. Jane do not pity me or my marriage because we are over the moon in love and love each other just as much today as the day we were married. We have a very healthy sex life. I really pity you Jane for putting so much stock in sex to be happy, sad if you ask me.

Nikkole - posted on 01/18/2011

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And even sexting,looking at porn (all the time),going to strip clubs could be considered cheating too not just going out and actually having sex. I want to do more research on this subject i find it rather interesting lol maybe i should go back to school and study this :P

Jane - posted on 01/18/2011

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Sherri....I'm glad that you are able to maintain a marriage without much sex but you are 100% wrong. A lot of men wouldn't even stay in the marriage in the first place if they did not have a woman who wanted to have sex so they don't have to stray...they just find someone else. But for a lot of men, they still LOVE their wife and don't want to leave but need sex so they cheat purely for the sex and the sex alone. You might want to do some reading on the subject.

I actually feel sorry for you that you have been married for 13 years and do not have a healthy sex life. Sex should be a part of a healthy marriage and you can think what you like but experts will tell you this. I don't believe for 1 second that anyone in a marriage that has sex as infrequent as you do is truly happy. I'm not trying to be mean but there is no way on this earth that I would be happy in a marriage where sex was not frequent. I love my husband for so many things....his caring and kindness, the way he loves me, his ability to make me laugh even if I'm sad but I also love his body and the way he makes love to me. If I didn't have that (baring something medical) I would not be happy and neither would he.

Nikkole - posted on 01/18/2011

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im not saying all men will cheat but from that book that i read it explains why they may its programed in a guy to procreate or too spread his seed BUT they have the choice to do so or not this is when morals and stuff come in some scientist believe this is one reason males cheat im not sayin the only reason but if her and her husband are not having sex at all its not a healthy relationship and if she has depression about being over weight and brings it up to her husband a lot it may drive him away im not sayin that this is the absolute reason but it could be a factor!

Sherri - posted on 01/18/2011

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This is where I disagree just because you aren't having sex does NOT mean that things like this will happen. I have been married 13 yrs and we rarely have sex more than once a month sometimes once every other month. We basically have sex 12 times a year or less. My husband has never strayed and most guys won't stray. So this part of what you ladies are saying is not true.

Nikkole - posted on 01/18/2011

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I totally agree with Jane! Sexting is cheating but if you guys are not having sex things like this will happen, when my husband was in college he had to read a book about why we do the things we do and one part was about cheating you should read it (i am in no way excussing his behavior) its called mean genes! Men have the urge to spread there seed (saying it nicely) its pretty much ingrained into there DNA they have to breed (not necessarily have children but have sex)! I would be upset at the women but i would just message her telling her that your his wife and you would appreciate her not talking to him anymore and i would gets your butts to counseling! I feel like im unattractive but me and my husband still have sex its unhealthy to not to! good luck

Amber - posted on 01/16/2011

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I agree with the other women, it's cheating because of the nature of what was actually said. They seem to be meeting up in person, or planning on it.
But regardless of how much younger she is, that doesn't mean that you place the blame on her. HE is the one who is cheating on you; rip HIS hair out for doing this to you. She might not even have any idea that you exist. He 100% does know that you exist, and has treated you miserably!

Danielle - posted on 01/16/2011

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Hell yeah that's cheating! My husband pulled that over email with some woman over in another country..First I wrote her as him and got her to talking to me and then when I was sure it wasn't a joke or some kind of spam I let her have it. I told her who I was and how low of a woman I thought she was to be messing with a married man and asking a man she knew had a family for $$. I continually checked his account for a relpy..this was over 2 yrs ago. If I was you I'd text her from his phone and just cuss her homewrecking ass out and dare her to say anything. Then I'd tear him a new one too..

Mary - posted on 01/16/2011

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I was doing a search for sexting and found this link. My husband at the end of October 2010 sent dirty pictures and exchanged dirty talk with a friend of ours from the last duty station we were at. I found it the day it happened and confronted him. We talked about the next day. He said he felt sick about it and wanted to know if I was going to leave him. I think its cheating. He crossed a line with someone we both knew and were friends with. Its a horrible feeling. I feel your pain. I am sorry it happened to you.

April - posted on 10/01/2010

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Even if it wasn't cheating, it begs the question: "What else would he do?" Actually physically cheating is only one step farther. Clearly this is a surprise to you, so it kind of makes me wonder what else we/you might not know about him.

Cat - posted on 09/30/2010

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I agree with LaCi, while its debatable whether sexting is or is not cheating, in this particular instance, it seems its definitely gone beyond just messages, she's wanting to see him in person with no indication whether they've already hooked up in person already... Warning bells is what this says to me...

Caitlin - posted on 09/30/2010

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Cheater.. A good man with honour will not do that, and if he is willing to do that with another woman, he will go farther, and even if he hasn't done it yet, he will.

[deleted account]

Women go for the girl..why..your relationship is with your man,your trust your feelings are with this man...He let you down, he is cheating.Focus on him and let him know you wont tolerate his crap.

[deleted account]

Definitely cheating. And I agree with Krista E. (She usually says what I'm thinking lol) You should direct your anger at HIM, not her. For one thing, like Krista said, she doesn't owe you anything. HE, on the other hand, owes you your wedding vows. Also, what you have to remember is that she may not know about you, or may not know the truth about you. Men will tell girls all kinds of lies in order to get what they want from them. I was an "accidental other woman" that way once. Not proud of it at all and as soon as I found out my "boyfriend" was married I dropped him like he was made of fire and immediately called his wife to apologize. She and I actually turned out later to be friends.

Stifler's - posted on 09/29/2010

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Sexting is cheating I think, it's not what it is it's the intent that he's connecting with someone else sexually instead of you or working out the issues.

Stifler's - posted on 09/29/2010

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It's him, not her. He's married to you, she isn't so be mad at him.

Sherri - posted on 09/29/2010

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Cheating for sure however, your blame is being placed on the wrong person. She is not at fault here she isn't married to you but he certainly is. I would say 100% of the blame belongs on your husbands shoulders.

[deleted account]

O Hell Yes. It's cheating. It's also an opportunity though for you and he to communicate. Communication, or lack thereof, is what led him to look for another woman. It's not your physical appearance as many men and women would probably find you attractive. I think you don't though and that is a different problem. Something else to talk about and discuss.

Jennifer - posted on 08/28/2010

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That is absolutely cheating and I agree with the other comments that it sounds like they've seen each other before.
I'm so sorry that you've been going through this.

Jackie - posted on 08/27/2010

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i agree with Jocelyn. If there is an opportunity for them to act on it, then yes, it's TOTALLY cheating. I also wouldn't place so much blame on the girl. Who knows what he's told her.



On the other hand, if she knows he's married that makes him off limits no matter what he's told her so that makes her a home-wrecking slut. IMO



Also, dont leave us hanging... keep us updated. Best of luck and dont let it get you down too much.



" I am woman, hear me roar"

[deleted account]

It's cheating IMO. I don't think the girl is right to do that since obviously she must know he's married BUT I wouldn't put all the blame on her. He is the one who is married and it's a choice he made to have contact with this girl. You guys need communication. Whether or not you stay together is completely up to you but I think you just take the time to sit down and talk. Maybe even go to couple's therapy. Even if it ends up in a separation, at least you will both be clear about the whole situation.

I'll put you in my prayers. Keep your head up.

Ashley - posted on 08/27/2010

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Wow were did she come from for him to start sexting her is he on a dating sight or dose she work with him what. And no you cant blame her after all she wasn't the one who married u and had a baby with u that was him he made promises to u not her she knows nothing about you and if she douse would your husband say what a wonderful person you are no he would tell her horrible things to get her sympathy men are awesome at turning us against each other when its them stupid men. Find out everything and dont believe a word out of his mouth phone her and ask her u may be surprised she may think he's single or whatever find out what she has to say u can make a decision then if he bullshits u when he talks to u or says he has done nothing wrong boot him out as he will not change. Other wise i hope u scare him enough to make him stop this nonsense.

Amanda - posted on 08/19/2010

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It is cheating, and it is WRONG.

I have been through this with my husband, on more than one occasion. Once with an exgirlfriend who was also married with children. And, then he found a website where you share phone numbers and text, he would tell the girls he was getting divorced even though we definantly were together and i was pregnant with our youngest.. I know how it can make you feel and it is awful. This kind of thing really makes me sick.

Nikki - posted on 08/12/2010

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You poor thing, that is so disrespectful, I would wan't to rip her hair out too, how rude. I hope everything works out for you ♥

Amanda - posted on 08/12/2010

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its cheating for sure.... if she doesnt know about you i wouldnt be very mad at her ( however skanky she may be IMO very) but if she does they are both at fault and she apparently has no self respect best of luck

Melissa - posted on 08/12/2010

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You should be upset with your husband not her! He has made a commitment to you, she hasn't. She may not have even known he was married. Sexting is definitely cheating. Having a relationship of any kind behind you back is cheating, even if they were just talking.

Sharee - posted on 08/11/2010

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And if you like, there is also a site which you can ask questions, any questions and people from all over answer them....it's called experience project...i have found it quite helpful.

Sharee - posted on 08/11/2010

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Yes it is cheating and if my partner did that i would be outta there! Move on gal you're too good for him...

Tah - posted on 08/11/2010

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that is cheating and the part of not being able to wait to see him lets me know you dont have the full story, so he is coming home early to BS you...so leave and when he is ready to really talk..then let him come to you...and then sue her..

MarLa - posted on 08/11/2010

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Yes, sexting is cheating. This is why you are angry. You live with him; direct all your focus to him not her. She didn't marry you--he did. He is the one playing games.

*Lisa* - posted on 08/11/2010

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Wow sorry to hear that. I agree that it's cheating and he's to blame more than the girl. How did your confrontation go???

Alison - posted on 08/10/2010

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Wow. So sorry your hubby is being such an idiot! I gotta agree, you can hardly blame the girl.

[deleted account]

just for the record...this is not me lol...it was an anonymous poster lol...I only posted it on her behalf haha

[deleted account]

Not only is it cheating in my mind, it's also incredibly idiotic and stupid to the point where it makes me question is intelligence level.

[deleted account]

Yes, that's cheating. If he's hiding it then he knows it's wrong. You need to talk to him, maybe get some counselling and let him know you don't like it and it's not an acceptable thing if he wants to stay in the relationship. If he keeps doing it, he doesn't respect you and I would leave. Good luck hun, it's not a nice situation but you have to do what's right for you and your kids.

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