Anonymous: Jealous of Father Daughter Relationship.

Lisa - posted on 07/14/2011

I am the daughter, and my mom is jealous of my relationship with my dad. Simply put, her dad was awful to her throughout childhood. She had no attention whatsoever. I believe she relives this when my dad is good to me. It is as if she gets hurt all over again. I have tried to help her see that her dad was wrong, and it is good that my dad is the opposite - it is healthy. It hurts that she hurts. She is VERY hurtful when my dad is nice or helps with a problem. It has been this way my entire life. My father gets in trouble sometimes for being nice to me. I believe I was always a burden to her, since before birth. She has always refused to get any kind of help or guidance. It will never change, so I need to accept her for who she is.

Jane - posted on 08/04/2010

@Meghan...I agree and I think again that the mom in this situation should seek counseling to deal with her feelings of jealousy. What we don't know is how old is the child. If the child is less than a year old, this mom might have some post partum issues going on that are making her feel this way and maybe OTHER ways that she is not discussing. This feeling she has, I believe goes deeper than just jealousy of the father/daughter relationship. What I mean is I think there is much more too it but without knowing, I'm not sure what more advice can be given except to encourage her to get professional help. This does not mean she's crazy...it just means she's got some issues that need professional advice.

Meghan - posted on 08/04/2010

okay since now there is a discussion forum for who comes first we need to get back to topic on this one and discuss what the anon. OP has asked.

K. - posted on 08/03/2010

The best thing I can do for my kids is to love their father. I want them growing up in a home with two parents who support each other 100%. There will come a time in all kids lives where they will try to pit one parent against another to get what they want. I think those kids are called teenagers. I want my kids to see a united front. I'm not going to give to my children or do things for the children at the expense of my marriage. There are enough divorces as it is. I once heard this but I don't remember from where "Children will go on to forge lives of their own, but the relationship with your spouse is forever." And while some people may say that marriages come and go, I'm not going to be one to toss that statement out there so casually. My marriage is not disposable. I choose to take mine a bit more seriously BECAUSE my kids mean the world to me. I don't want them coming from a broken home nor living in one. And children are not children forever, they grow up and learn to take care of themselves and eventually leave the house to live their own lives. And the couple who've spent 18 years putting the kids first will probably find that once the kids are gone so is the marriage. I would rather that not happen.

Anika - posted on 08/03/2010

I dunno. Could you give me an example where you think your marriage would top the kids? Just so I can see where you're coming from.

K. - posted on 08/03/2010

I recently realized that saying my husband comes first over the kids had quite a few ifs ands or buts. But my marriage, that tops the kids. Does that make more sense? I think so.

Erin - posted on 08/03/2010

Ok, so I would choose my boys over my husband, but if we are in the middle of having sex while they are asleep in the other room and one of them wakes up, I WILL NOT hop off my husband and attend to my child...not going to happen! I wouldn't do this normally...if they wake up in the middle of the night I kinda just hope they go back to bed w/out me having to tend to anything...so I would finish what I was doing unless it was gawd awful then of course I would be all too distracted to finish up...just sayin. Then again, I can't set my son down for 5 seconds some times w/out him having a damn fit, so whats a few minutes of bellowing, nothing I don't hear when I vaccuum, do the dishes, etc

Anika - posted on 08/03/2010

Mae I totally agree with what you're saying and if you read my intial post, I did say that your children should come first but not at the detriment of your relationship with your SO. Your relationship with your partner is a very important one and you definitely need to be a strong unit to parent happily but my daughter is my child. I created and grew her. She is a piece of me and she will be my number one til we are blessed with another child who will be loved equally as much. My husband is 2nd but a very very very close second.

Mae - posted on 08/03/2010

I actually agree with Kristen. She isn't meaning to put your child in harms way choosing your husband first, and she isn't talking about a life or death situation either. I think she means that you should work on having a deep intimate relationship with your SO because it's very important to how you handle being parents.

April - posted on 08/03/2010

i agree with Anika! children should always come first. i would hope that my beautiful baby boy came first to my husband, as well. and i agree that i am definitely a close second. in fact, my husband and i discussed that if there were ever an accident and he could only save one of us, he'd save our son (and vice vice versa).

also...i do know parents that do things for themselves before their child...like have sex while their baby is screaming in the other room and not picking up that baby.

K. - posted on 08/03/2010

I really didn't mean life or death situations or any situations dealing with abuse or neglect of a child. Protecting my children is a given.

Anika - posted on 08/03/2010

In our day to day life I don't think "Oh, I love my child over my husband". I love my husband. I respect him. He is awesome and if he wasn't I wouldnt have picked him to share my life and have children with. But if something terrible happened (and I hope it never ever does) and I had to choose between my child and my husband, I would choose my child. And I'd hope he'd do the same. And re other people who have chosen their partner over their child, I know of one terrible case where a daughter told her mother that her stepfather was abusing her and the mother chose the stepfather. I also have a friend from school (who is no longer my friend because of this) who constantly goes back to a partner who is abusive to 2 of her children. These are extreme cases obviously and those women have serious issues but it definitely cemented in my mind that children should come first. I may not always be my husbands wife but I will always be my daughter's mother.

K. - posted on 08/03/2010

"But if it comes down to my child or my SO...he'll never win, children are much more important." I really really hope for the sake of your marriage that your children NEVER pick up on this fact. Boy would they have fun with that one! And Anika what do you mean by "choose their partner over their children"? If that means that the children are being neglected because of the wants and needs of the couple then yes, that is wrong. But your SO and yourself are supposed to be a team, impenetrable. True Amber, marriages come and go, children are forever. That is EXACTLY why my marriage comes first, because I don't want it to go! Interesting topic. I'd like to hear what other peoples thoughts are on this.

Meghan - posted on 08/03/2010

I have to agree with Kristen I have to say that marriage is first and then the kids.

Anika - posted on 08/03/2010

Kirsten, I didn't mean that now that our daughter has arrived, I no longer matter. I may be second but I'm a very very close second! And our relationship (my husband and I's) is very important. But I know people who chose their partner over their children and that is sad and wrong in my opinion. When it comes down to it, I love my husband very very much but I don't need him as much as my daughter does.

Amber - posted on 08/03/2010

He's not married to his kids...but his kids are his flesh and blood. Marriages can come and go, children are forever. (No, I'm not saying divorce is good, but it happens). My spouse will never be more important to me than my child is.

I always make sure that I have time for my SO. And I always make sure that he's happy. But if it comes down to my child or my SO...he'll never win, children are much more important. And he feels the exact same way.

So, I definitely agree with Anika.

K. - posted on 08/03/2010

Wow, definitely don't agree with Anika on this one at all. You were a married couple first before your kids came. If my husband told me I was second in his mind and first was our daughters I would be BITTER. He's not married to his kids. He's married to me. "Happy parents =good parents", exactly! That's why the parents have to come first to one another, not second! Your daughter may be his little princess now and that's fine, as long as he recognizes that you're the damn queen!

April - posted on 08/03/2010

I don't think you need to see a shrink. I just think you need to talk to your husband about including you more. He probably has no idea how you are feeling. I am sure he will understand and try to come up with a good solution!

My own story: I have a son and I am a SAHM. My husband works frequently and is often gone overnight. Since he spends sooo much time with me, he usually prefers being held by me and will pretty much throw a fit if I'm not the one holding him. Daddy was feeling jealous over this and we decided to pick an activity just for the two of them. My husband loves trains and sometimes takes our son out to watch trains go by...just the two of them. If I didn't hate watching trains so much...I WOULD be a jealous mama too!! I'd DEF feel left out if it was something I would enjoy too!

Erin - posted on 08/02/2010

I know this isn't helpful, but I wish for a minute I even had the oppotunity to be jealous of my husband's relationship with our sons!!! Our 10mos old is overly attached to his momma (me) and it is uber frustrating!!! I can't walk in from work (which is only 12 hrs/wk) or from the store for that matter, w/out him having a damn meltdown before I pick him up!!! WTH? Its rediculous! Sometimes I wish I had a girl so HE'D get it!!! But I have 2 boys...there are plus & minus sides to everything!!!

Jennifer - posted on 08/02/2010

My husband works full-time mon-fri whilst I'm a stay-at-home mam for our 8 month old son. Whilst my husband would love to be able to spend more time with our son he'd never say he's jealous of our mother-son relationship and obviously he can't just not work either. We had to make a couple of adjustments soon after our son was born to make sure we had enough time together. He has a bedtime routine and is in bed by 7pm every night so we have time together in the evening and every so often my mam or his mam has him either overnight or for the day so we can have time together. Try talking to him and maybe try suggesting spending more time together.

September - posted on 08/02/2010

It might be good for you to talk to someone about it; counseling never hurts and is a great outlet for sure! Relationships can defiantly change big time once there are children involved but in my opinion it's still important that you make time for one another (meaning you and your spouse). My husband and I have a regular date night and spend at least 30 minutes each night catching up about our day. I think that one on one time is important. Maybe you could try setting aside some time to just enjoy each other and see if that makes a difference. You should also tell your husband how you're feeling, he may be surprised. Try to also remind yourself how lucky you and your daughter are to have her father involved in her life. Hang in there and good luck!

Mae - posted on 08/02/2010

Honestly I was also a little jealous of my husband and daughter's relationship too. It was when she was very little (from 3 months to about 7 months). I wasn't jealous of her being the center of his world so much as I was jealous that she seemed not to want anything to with me. I did see a therepist but it wasn't just for that. I also had a hard time attaching to her (which is probably why she wanted daddy all the time). It could be postpartum depression if there are other things going on too. that's what my problem was. I finally got help when she was 6 months old and things are 200% better.

I think that you should confide in your husband he might not even realize that he makes you feel that way.

Another think too think about is even though they have a special relationship so do you and your husband and you and your daughter will too.

*I am assuming that your daughter is an infant because even after just two years I can't remember what life was really like before her. :)

Anika - posted on 08/02/2010

Wow, that is a tough one. Personally, I would be angry at my husband if our daughter wasn't #1 in his mind and me 2nd. Children should always come first. Though that doesn't mean it should be at the detriment of your relationship. I guess it depends on how strongly your jealousy is. If sometimes you feel like harming your child, even for just a second, then definitely seek help. But if you just sometimes long for the relationship with your husband that you used to have, then I agree with Amber. Find time to do stuff with just your husband. Talk with him. You don't need to say you're jealous of your daughter but maybe just say you'd like to spend more couple time. Try to talk together every night about things that aren't child related, even if its just for 10 minutes. Happy parents = good parents.

Jane - posted on 08/02/2010

Wow...jealous of a father/daughter relationship....that is a little hard to hear because most mom's would be thrilled to hear about a father/daughter relationship being so good. Do I think you need to see a shrink? Well honestly, maybe. I think any jeolousy towards a parent/child relationship from the other parent is cause for concern and you probably need to discuss this with someone qualified to help you through it.

Amber - posted on 08/02/2010

I have a son...and while I wouldn't call myself jealous of their relationship, it's still frustrating sometimes. I don't think that male/female gendered children makes a difference.
The fact is, that your relationship will naturally change with your spouse. It took me SO and I over a year to find that balance again. And then, it still wasn't perfect.
Every relationship takes work. And when it's just the two of you, you have a lot of time to work on it; you're focus isn't divided.
If you feel ignored or left out, you have to speak up. He can't know to fix things if you don't tell him. Try to make a special time every week for just the two of you. A couple hours after your daughter is sleeping one or two nights a week, or an hour every day if possible. And find family friendly dates...museums, zoos, that you can connect with your husband while doing, but your daughter is also included in.
You are also going to have to accept the fact that you will never have the same relationship you had before, because your life has been forever changed. But you can have a new relationship that is just as good. You just have to keep working on it.