Anyone have a blended family?

Maree - posted on 12/05/2011 ( 62 moms have responded )

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What are peoples opinions on blended families?

Do you think that children from blended families will always be worse off than children from intact families or do you think it all depends on how the family is run?

Does anyone have problems dealing with their step childrens behavior or have problems loving or even liking their step kids?

I am changing the topic from breast v bottle to blended families as it is a much nicer topic although believe it or not i have opinions on this also .lol

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Jodi - posted on 12/11/2011

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You know what I'm hearing? "ME, ME, ME, US, US, US".



"Also as much as i'm sure the child will appreciate being over a day here and there,it's really not good enough that we have to accept this small amount of time in the first place."



This statement right her says that yeah, sure, it's great for the child and he appreciates it but we don't like it. Since when did your needs become more important than his? That is incredibly selfish. Yes, sure, she might be in the wrong, but guess what? HE HAD A CHILD WITH HER. HE CANNOT JUST NOW WALK OUT ON THAT RESPONSIBILITY BECAUSE IT IS TOO FREAKING HARD!!! And guess what? YOU MARRIED HIM KNOWING THIS!!



ANother thing, you think a Step Moms community will understand? I AM a step mother. I don't understand why your husband would give up on the kid. I DO understand your frustration, I DO understand that the bio mother is probably being a total douche, and I DO understand feeling totally angry at that. But what I DO NOT understand is giving up on the child, EVER.

Jodi - posted on 12/10/2011

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"I also hope people who do this (make ALL the decisions as if they are the better parent or have all the rights)one day have the child hate them for taking their father away from them for dumb reasons such as homework,sport or just because they are bitches. "



"i guess you don't really care whether or not you are breaking the court order(if you have one). You know there is nothing he can do to stop you because it would cost a fortune, for your ex husband to lose anyway and whats the point?????."



Kel, I think you are going about this the wrong way. Firstly, flinging wild accusations my way because YOU think something is dumb is just a bit insulting. Firstly, I have full legal parental responsibility of my son because my ex never showed up in court when we were having a dispute about where he would go to school. His own stupid fault. So I have every right to make every decision with respect to his education, sport and any other decision I choose to make. If it is a choice between studying for his Year 8 exams and going to his father's house, I will put my foot down every time, in his own best interests. You have no right to make wild accusations about what I am doing to my son's father, and how he can't stop me because it would cost him too much. He never even showed up to mediation, FFS, and THAT costs nothing.



Secondly, just because YOU can't see the child's best interests in the same way as the mother can or the court can doesn't mean they aren't being served. Really?? Sport and homework DUMB? Good luck with that reasoning in a few years time. You will find that a court won't agree with you on that.



Finally, I still see no reason for your husband to decide to give up on his son. Do you really think he can give up totally and his son will respect him for that? Instead, he should take what time he can get, enjoy watching his kid play his sports when he gets the opportunity and maintain the relationship. There are ways of maintaining a relationship even with minimal contact. I know that one too, because my son's father recently moved interstate, and he has seen him only twice in 6 months. An hour's travel is also no excuse. Sorry, it isn't. Know that one too. We have to travel all the time to maintain contact with my step-son every other weekend.



I think this is about YOU and what a burden this is on YOU. Your husband is probably being placed in a position to choose between you and maintaining the contact with the child. There seems to be a lot of bitterness, and you need to let that go and take what time you can.



The only person in your scenario taking this boy's father away from him entirely would be his father if he decided to walk away, and you if you decided to encourage that decision. Maybe she is being just a bitch and expecting to do it all her way. But you know what? That's 100 times better than not at all, which is the alternative you are proposing.

Jodi - posted on 12/07/2011

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Kel, he can file for contempt of court......because that is what she is doing.



However, having said that, I don't agree with him deciding it is necessary to stop seeing his son. I get that this is difficult, but you don't ever give up on your children. And that is essentially what he would be doing, even if it IS his ex causing the problems. Don't punish the child........

Jodi - posted on 12/11/2011

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Kel, as I said, file a contravention each and every time she contravenes the orders. If she doesn't allow his 24 hours, file. It costs nothing. She cannot legally withhold him from you for any reason she chooses.



Edited to Add: You keep saying you have done everything, have you filed a contravention?

Jodi - posted on 12/11/2011

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Whatever Kel, keep making excuses as to why you should give up on your step son. You can keep doing that, or you can work with what you have and make an attempt to foster a relationship. And right now, all I see are excuses as to why it won't work. You give your other children too little credit. You'd be amazed what they learn to understand. No-one suggested it would be easy, because it isn't. You married this man. You now have an obligation to make this work for your family. All of them, including your step son.

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~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/27/2012

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~~This thread is old, and I am locking it. Please feel free to start another~~

~ADMIN Little Miss~

Lori - posted on 07/26/2012

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My first experience with a "step" was a stepgrandmother who was a wonderful person that influenced me deeply.

My ex-husband was a terrible and cruel stepfather to my oldest daughter, so I stayed a single mother for over ten years.

I dated a man with daughters and sons. His son was fine. It was the daughters that made me run for the hills. One of his grown daughters (27 at the time) acted completely inappropriate towards him. She would wrap her arms around his neck and whisper secrets in his ear, while slying cutting her eyes at me - her message was clear: this is my man. It totally freaked me out and creeped me out.

I had an extreme phobia about the success rate of blended families. But after dating a man for a very long time, and being sure of his character and temperment - I got married. He has a son and I still have a son at home. I was anxious and afraid of another mistake.

Ultimately, it has worked out fine. We co-exist happily and everyone stays on the same page as far as house rules. I think the key is that my husband and I are on the same page. We took our places as heads of the household and didn't let either kid get the upper hand. They appreciate the structure and sense of family.

So even after my gloomy attitude, it has worked out fine.

Tammy - posted on 01/28/2012

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I grew up in a blended family. My Mom had 3 children and my Dad had 3 children when they married. Then they had me and my younger sister. We had our share of tough times... but I cannot imagine life any other way.

Carrie - posted on 01/17/2012

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We are a blended family (sort of), & just have regular mom, dad, & son issues. My son's bio-father left me 3 weeks to the day that my son was born, I had my mother, Godmother, sister, & fabulous friend (who is now fro several years been my brother's ex-girlfriend). My husband also has 2 other children that I would do anything for, but thier mother doesn't allow contact with us (my bonus daughter contacts when she is able), funnily enough it was she that cheated a lot, but my husband is the bad guy,so she withholds. My husband changed our sons diapers, & everything else, we all consider him Dad, The difficulty comes when the adults act like children. My son has said he wants his dad to adopt him legally (which we are working on), all of his memories (even though biodad appeared for a few months before commiting suicide) include my husband, so it is the natural progression of things in our opinion. I hope my older son, & daughter can spend time with us sooner, so they can be an integral part of our family as well. Our children, & the two of us are blessed inthis way. But I must admit, sometimes it makes me nuts that I say jump, & 10 year old says yeah right. Dad says jump, & his feet are off the grond while he's asking how high :)

Jodi - posted on 12/11/2011

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Your situation sounds very much like that of one of our employees. He has no consent order, which is why his ex can pretty much do as she pleases.

Hopefully with the consent orders in place you can now get your regular access.

This is very much the reason I always advise people to get the consent orders in place even if you think everything is happy families with the ex. Things can turn south pretty quickly and suddenly you find yourself with no rights at all.

With regard to your comment: "I think a lot of mums deliberately cause fights so they don't have to share custody and so they don't have their child support cut down." Child support reduces at 52 nights (almost halves), which is every second weekend, and not too many people fight against that one, because it often isn't one that can be won. Very few lawyers would advise a client to argue against it. It is unusual for a non-custodial parent NOT to be granted alternate weekends. If your husband had fought that, he would have got it.

Unless he signed it away, your husband still has 50% parental responsibility, which gives him the right to have a say in education, medical care, religious upbringing, and other long term decisions in relation to the child. He has a right to contact the school and request reports, he has a right to turn up to school functions, he has a right to attend parent teacher interviews.

Anyway, sounds like these new orders MAY introduce some stability into the relationship now (and if not, will give your husband some rights). Document EVERYTHING, and if she at any point contravenes the orders, keep as much proof as possible and file a contravention. This will either put a stop to it, or it won't, and if it doesn't she risks losing custody altogether. She can't legally keep him from your husband without your husband's agreement during that ordered 24 hour period unless she has ABSOLUTE proof that it is in his best interests to do so (i.e. basketball grand final, or school camp, her birthday, mother's day, or something like that).

Good luck with it. Don't give up on him, he will come around eventually. Maybe not in the short term, but in the long term, you will be thankful that you continued to make efforts to foster the relationship between your step son and his father.

With regard to the bonding, my son has not seen his father since the beginning of October. Prior to that he only saw him once since May. We are now in a situation where we have no idea when he will see him again. It might be as long away as Easter. My son still looks forward to seeing his dad and has a reasonable relationship with him. It's not perfect, but he does love his dad. Every now and then they have a phone conversation. But when he IS there, he has a nice time. It is about the QUALITY of time, not the quantity. Given the limited quantity, find a way to add quality into the time you all have together as a family.

Maree - posted on 12/11/2011

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My husband lives an hour away from bio mum so that wouldn't work as far as school goes as he wouldn't be able to get him there on time and still get to work.He also wouldn't be able to pick him up from school,bio mum wouldn't allow after school care or for me to help in any way. The family courts here wouldn't allow it either as it's too much of a distance for any type of shared care/equal custody. Also my husband and his ex broke up 8 years ago so the 50/50 option was not in back then so wasn't an option for him to apply for that.

The norm here is to get every second weekend from friday to sunday,wednesday nights if close enough and half of school holidays unless the parents agree to something else then you can just do up a consent order. There is a law in regards to 50/50 custody but it doesn't really happen much. If there is fighting and problems between the parents,the courts won't do it because it then causes too many problems for the kids.I think a lot of mums deliberately cause fights so they don't have to share custody and so they don't have their child support cut down. I am so glad my sons dad doesn't have 50/50...i would hate that but he lives too far away plus we broke up before my son was even born so not an option anyway.

Jodi,no we have not filed because the consent order that my husband agreed to that he is very unhappy with was only signed very recently. We are hoping that the ex will do the right thing now and at least allow the 24 hours a fortnight. Not sure what will happen now as it is so new but up until recently she did as she pleased because there were no orders in place. Since they broke up 8 years ago my husband saw his son every second weekend with no problems. It wasn't until he met me 3 years ago that visitation became an issue and apparently he became a child abuser that should only be allowed visitation if he was supervised at all times.

Sherri - posted on 12/11/2011

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Wow totally surprised by a lot of your visitation orders. In our state unless there is a parent that is deemed not worthy ALL custody cases both parents have 50/50 or joint custody. Here it is two nights a week typically Tues & Thurs night dad gets child from school and for dinner and returns home to mom by 8pm and then he has kids every other weekend from Fri night to Sun

Maree - posted on 12/11/2011

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Unfortunately Australia is very different...women get away with a lot and when she made false accusations of abuse...nothing happened,they were dismissed but no one said a word to her..no warnings...nothing at all!!!!

Maree - posted on 12/11/2011

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It was a Magistrate but he didn't actually make the ruling. It was costing so much and it just seemed it would never end so my husband just signed an order that the ex wanted. It doesn't say he can't talk to his son or parent the way he wants within his 24hrs a fortnight but that doesn't stop her from doing the things she does. My husband just isn't willing to keep going back to court which is why he agreed to what she wanted then at least he should be guaranteed his 24hrs but it didn't work out that way.The ex knows he is unwilling to continue to fight with her over everything for the sake of our relationship,our kids and for his sons sake...it is hard on him knowing his parents hate each other which is why he pretty much does just "suck it up"..that doesn't make it any easier though,when you want to raise your kid in a certain way and the other parent puts rules and regulations on EVERYTHING you do...it's really frustrating and disappointing knowing that you will will never have any input into your childs life even though you so badly want involvement...just not necessarily the involvement that the ex deems appropriate.

[deleted account]

If I pulled the same crap w/ my ex that she is pulling w/ you and your husband... I could lose my kids and it wouldn't cost my ex anything but time. Is it actually in the court order that she can refuse visitations based on the stuff you are saying she's refusing visitations on? Simply TALKING to the child about behavior and daddy doesn't get to see him? That doesn't even make sense. What kind of crap judge did you guys get?

Jodi - posted on 12/11/2011

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As I said, I give up. This isn't about trying to make it work for everyone with the best of what you can get. This is about making it work in your ideal little world. And that just isn't going to happen.

Maree - posted on 12/11/2011

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No i don't...I'm just so frustrated with the bio mum. I really think she wants to push me to the point that i resent him and push my husband to the point that he gives up on him...just so she can say "See...I knew you would give up on him,you are a shitty parent"
Either that,or push him so much that he has a nervous breakdown...all to punish him for daring to remarry and have another child.

Merry - posted on 12/11/2011

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It comes accross like you really dispise this boy. I'm sure that's not the case but that's how it sounds from my viewpoint

Maree - posted on 12/11/2011

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Jodi,sports aside...did you not read the many times where i stated that my husband is not allowed to parent when the boy is with us ???
He can't discipline,we can't take the kids where we want to take them,( well i can take MY kids alone but we can't go together)he can't have discussions with him about ANYTHING,he basically can't do anything unless she agrees to it...if the boy goes home and says "we played gun fights" or "we had a chat about respect for other peoples property" or " dad says i should play with my baby sister so she gets to know me better" or "dad expects me to empty the bins and dishwasher and i don't get my allowance if i am rude to him"....bio mum then rings up and abuses my husband for making HER son (yes he is HERS apparently) do things that she doesn't agree with and says she will not be sending him back till my husband agrees IN WRITING that he will no longer do these things with HER son....She actually said to him "it's MY way or no way"
That is just a few examples,there are hundreds of others that would take way too long to write but are you honestly saying that it is ok to put up with this and be angry,frustrated and scared all the time ?. You can say "it's only one night so just do what she wants" but no matter what we do,we still get abusive phone calls and threats she will not let his son come back or she will report him to DOCS. I know DOCS won't do anything really but they would still come and check us out,get the whole family checked out because she wants to cause problems. What she can do though,is refuse to let him come over. He will then lose his son anyway.

If it was you in this situation would you really be happy with it and accept abuse constantly??
If EVERYTHING you did with YOUR child was apparently wrong,abusive,neglectful etc....what would you say the options are ?

We have tried talking to her...well my husband has.
We try to do what she wants.
We tried going to court.
We tried ignoring her and parenting the way we see fit.
Nothing has worked and now there is nothing left to try.

Jodi - posted on 12/11/2011

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Kel, this isn't about "allowing" a child to bond with his father. A father can bond with his child with every second weekend. Even if only one night every second weekend. It is perfectly possible. The responsibility to turn it into bonding time is with your husband. You cannot blame the mother for what he chooses to do with his son during that time. Sorry, but you have to stop blaming her for everything and take some ownership in your OWN home as well. You have openly admitted that your husband has no interest in going to his son's sporting matches. Guess what? going to those sporting matches and sharing those memories is a fantastic way for father and son to bond. Your husband is CHOOSING not to participate in that experience. So he could do some things differently too.

Maree - posted on 12/11/2011

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Yep...and that's what hubby and i will be doing.
Thank you for your comments and opinions.

Maree - posted on 12/11/2011

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No i'm not saying i don't like him....i like him very much actually and i'd love nothing more than to be close to him...i am simply saying that if you put enough pressure on someone,eventually there are going to crack. Especially when you haven't allowed that person to bond with the child.
If there is no love there other than knowing that child is part of the man you love....then i don't believe that is enough to get through the many years of being a step parent. Step parents NEED to be allowed to bond with the child to be successful,not have so much nastiness and bitchiness going on that it is impossible. I've said before,i'm not a saint and there is a limit to what i am able to take..

Maree - posted on 12/11/2011

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It may not be a big deal on that ONE night...and it won't kill anyone. My son does notice though and does comment. It is causing him to get the shits with his step brother and causes problems with food (says why should i eat my dinner when he doesn't have to). causes problems with behavior (why do i have to do chores and he doesn't)...it may only be a weekend but a child doesn't understand that...and why should he have to??? It is not MY SONS fault i am with a man who has a child that he is not allowed to help raise !!! When the boy goes home,the problems continue,my son starts behaving like his step brother (he regresses and is a bad loser in games,doesn't want to do his chores,backchats etc) and it takes a while to get him back to normal. This is ALL preventable.

The main issue though,is not that i have to try to get my son to act like the decent human being that he was raised to be (unlike the way bio mum raises her son) the problem is that we are not happy to accept the ONE night in the first place.
Continuing to fight simply is not an option anymore so we are forced to accept that one night and my husband has to accept that he has NO RIGHT to help raise his own child anymore and every time he is over,we witness him regressing and turning into a baby. He is becomming someone that not even his own father particularly likes anymore. Of course he loves him but it is sometimes hard to like him.
Someone said before that of course you can bond with a kid you don't see much....I sort of agree with that but that can only work when the parent who hardly sees the child is still allowed to parent during that time without fear of the bio mum refusing access for 3 months. If you cannot parent AT ALL the way you believe is right then i really don't see any other option but to step back. He can see his kid but basically just have him over as a guest who comes in,carries on like he owns the place...everyone jumps through hoops to keep him and his mum happy then he goes home and we can get on with life again...i really don't see how the child can appreciate his parent then,he will walk all over him,knowing he can do as he pleases and no one will stop him.

I realize i won't get through to anyone here,only being in the situation i am in would anyone come even close to "getting it" so i suppose i'm wasting my time on here desperately trying to plead my case. In the end we will do what we believe is best...for EVERYONE in the family.I don't want any of us to suffer but if i believe and my husband believes there is suffering going on for our child and for my child then we will choose to let bio mum have her son all to herself. I know that my husband is unwilling to lose yet another family and go through the same things again so keeping this family together is number 1...selfish or not...there are other kids to consider,kids he is ALLOWED to raise so they will be coming first from now on. I just hope bio mum grows up and stops being a jealous cow before it's too late.

Jodi - posted on 12/11/2011

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"That isn't fair on my sons step mum to have to give one set of rules for MY son and another set for HER kids...it causes problems and makes life more difficult than it needs to be. It also would cause her to dislike my son which is the last thing i want"

Can I just say, I find this a bit disturbing. Are you saying you don't like HIS son because of this?

Jodi - posted on 12/11/2011

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If you aren't prepared to continue fighting for more time, then yes, you do have to suck it up. Sorry, but you can't punish the child for the sins of the parent. We are talking ONE night a fortnight. So what if rules are a little flexible on that ONE night? It won't kill your other kids, and it won't kill you. I do actually agree that all kids should be disciplined the same, and that the rules are house rules, but you know what? If it is the difference between one night a fortnight, and no time at all because the ex is going to be a shit about it, then, yeah, I'd go with the flow on that ONE night.



No-one said it was fair. It still isn't a reason to give up on one child because you don't like what is on offer. Either fight for it or suck it up, but don't give up on him.



Should you have to suck it up? No, you *shouldn't*. But this is reality. I don't know the details, but obviously the court orders you have are not working for you. You either have to change that or unfortunately, suck it up. She cannot legally stop access if it is written in the court orders. End of story.

Maree - posted on 12/11/2011

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Just a thought Jodi...
since you are saying that he had a child with her and basically i need to "suck it up" and accept miniscule amounts of parenting time,during that time,do exactly as bio mum demands,give step child different rules to the rest of the family...

are you also saying that even though I had a child with someone else...and therefore that child MUST be the centre of the universe as well,that HIS dad must do exactly as I say on his parenting time??( as you know,this is not possible as everyone has different views on parenting so how can we do this with 3 children,his,mine and ours...and still function semi normally?)

And what happens if my sons dad says he isn't happy with HIS son having different rules in my home to what my step son has?? because believe me,there have been times that my son has gone to his dad saying that it's unfair that my SS gets away with things that HE doesn't...

How can everything be fair for everyone in both families? The only way that i can see that things will be fair on all the kids as well as for the parents(respecting the fact that parents should have authority) is that when the child is in each home,they have rules that the parent sees fit in that home. Is it ok for me to tell my sons dad how he has to discipline my son or what he has to do with him on his 2 days a fortnight...NO it isn't fair and i wouldn't butt in on his life with his wife and other children. That isn't fair on my sons step mum to have to give one set of rules for MY son and another set for HER kids...it causes problems and makes life more difficult than it needs to be. It also would cause her to dislike my son which is the last thing i want. Of course it wouldn't be his fault but when he turns into a little asshole because he knows he has his own set of rules and is some sort of GOD,how is she supposed to like him and want to care for him???

I think when women do this it is because they still want control over their ex's life...it's wrong and they should be ashamed.

Maree - posted on 12/11/2011

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Thanks Rebecca....i appreciate your comment and Jodi,i guess we just agree to disagree hey !!!

[deleted account]

How the heck can he not bond w/ the family that he sees twice a month?

My kids see their dad and stepfamily 2-3 times/YEAR and MAYBE talk to them on the phone for a couple of minutes once a month and are very much a part of that family when they are over there. Granted, that family is not a part of their day to day lives, but when the kids are THERE... they are home just as much as when they are here. If the kid isn't bonded to your family by seeing you twice a month... it's not biomom's or the kid's fault at all.

Sorry, but I live a situation where my kids hardly ever speak to or see their father (for REAL) and I know just how much they still love that family and are a part of it when they have the chance.

I DO get the frustration aspect (believe me... I'm full of all kinds of frustration), but the not bonding thing just doesn't make sense.

Rebecca - posted on 12/11/2011

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Kel, I feel for you... I haven't got quite the same situation but I kinda know where you are coming from. I think you are fair in your annoyances and frustrations. I really hope this works out for you

Maree - posted on 12/10/2011

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We do if we do EXACTLY as she asks,give extra money...basically beg!!!

I don't think my husband will give up on him but he is very frustrated with not being allowed to discipline him for fear of her denying access again. Also as much as i'm sure the child will appreciate being over a day here and there,it's really not good enough that we have to accept this small amount of time in the first place. What next? she decides he needs to play another sport on saturday afternoon and access becomes for a day and no more overnights because SHE decides it is necessary that he plays another sport.

The problem is...with this woman,it never ends. She is happy when we are miserable and frustrated,when MY son is missing out and when OUR daughter is missing out.As much as she likes to believe it HER child is not some sort of God that's entitled to special treatment.
I'm sorry but his child IS NOT the only one to consider in this situation.The frustration of my husband having no rights in regards to his child is something the bio mum doesn't understand or care about,probably most women don't understand or they believe that fathers are always wrong...

I don't want him to give up...as i said,but i will not have MY child/children suffering. If HIS child is supposed to be number 1,where does our child fall in the pecking order? and where is MINE???

What we do in our family needs to suit OUR family,not just 1 child and certainly not the childs bio mum. We hate the things she does but the court doesn't care about that and she definately doesn't care what we think. Why is it that she has the right to tell her ex husband and our entire family,how we must run our lives in order to be good enough to lay eyes on her little Prince ??? She is turning him into a selfish brat with her attitudes,someone that no one will want to know and unfortunately that includes his own family.

I know i will never convince anyone here that how i feel is warranted or that considering moving on with our lives (without his child) is right which is why i may be best to post on "step mums" to get my frustrations out. People in this situation will understand and i have read of other peoples situations that are similar and feel sorry for them.

I am not a Saint so therefore i am unable to have the patience of one,i am human like everyone else....i'm totally over the crap and both my husband and i are at the point...not of giving up completely but of focussing more on our family that his son is not allowed involvement in. Thats the only way we can be happy is just to let it go and move on,yes..see his child but forget about him bonding and really being part of things cause it's not going to happen.

Jodi - posted on 12/10/2011

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Kel, I am not sure what you mean by "more important things". I guess that's what I don't understand. And I am REALLY not understanding this concept of "moving on" without him, especially if you ARE at least getting one night every other weekend. i don't necessarily agree that the courts decisions are right, and I can't say in your case whether I think it is right or wrong, but just because she will take it to an extreme, why just give up altogether? Your step son will greatly appreciate it if you take what you can get. No, not necessarily fair, but much fairer on him in the long term than walking away.

With regard to basketball, kids sports usually stop in the school holidays, so do you get extra time then?

Merry - posted on 12/10/2011

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Oh well if the boy isn't wanting to do basketball then I can understand that frustration. Now if he was sad his dadwasnt able to take him to his games then I could see s mom being upset but sports should be the child's choosing!

Maree - posted on 12/10/2011

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it's overnight every second weekend unless bio mum decides there are more important things for him to do.
what i'm saying is he is not able to take him to the sport every second saturday,that doesn't mean he shouldn't come over at all.
i think he would be better off helping my husband out with the renovations and learning a skill...which actually both boys enjoy,rather than basketball that he doesn't really want to play anyway.then he could come for 2 nights every second weekend,help with the renovations and still have some quality time....after all,the work being done is to make HIM more comfortable so why shouldn't he help?

Merry - posted on 12/10/2011

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Kel, my talk is all hypothetical. My hubby and ihave two kids together and none others.

I'm saying if all you get is 24 hours twice a month then yes he should be able to be home that whole time.

Not days on end. I thought you said you only had your step son for a very small amount of time a month.

If its close to 50-50 or even 30-70 I'd understand totally he needs to work. But if it was just a weekend a month or so then he really should, in my mind, be making certain that time is quality time with his kid.

Maree - posted on 12/10/2011

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I'm thinking i should vent on the step mums community...may be a little more appropriate..lol

Maree - posted on 12/10/2011

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Actually i said we DO see him when it suits bio mum,just that it is far from enough and the small amount of contact is causing the bond between them to not be as strong.

When i say YOU or STUPID reasons,i am not actually referring to you personally..I didn't read my post back so if it came across like that i'm sorry...i mean people in general especially ones who have a court order saying when they must hand the child over. I think if a court says that a child is to go on the weekends,the court must believe that is best for them...so for the mum to just change it because she wants to is very unfair and she is teaching the kids that the law means nothing !!!!!!!

Maree - posted on 12/10/2011

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Laura, are you saying that if you remarried(not sure of your situation) that your husband shouldn't be around your kids?

Or if your husband looked after your kids cause you had to work or whatever,is that ok just because you have custody?

Isn't it the same for dads? Dads get such a short amount of time to parent,i get that he should really try to be there but sometimes that isn't possible especially if he is paying huge amounts of child support and needs to work extra to be able to afford it. He would be there in the afternoons,at night and in the morning...even if he did have to work part of the weekend.

That is kind of like saying that a mum who puts their kids in daycare 5 days a week should hand over custody to the other parent because she obviously isn't there for her kids!!!!
Sounds bad doesn't it ??? People who say dads SHOULD be there ALL of the visitation obviously have no consideration for anyone or anything but themselves. My ss could be with his dad every minute of access but it would mean bio mum would get a lot less money from us because he would be cutting down on work...don't think she would be too happy with that but unfortunately he isn't super man and can't be everywhere at once...

I get your point Laura,not that i feel this way towards my sons step mum(we are very close and she is the main caregiver to my son when he visits his dads house)but is really isn't fair and people that go to extremes to sabotage the relationship between the child and his/her other family by claiming that stupid little nothings...are more important,well personally i think they need someone to come down VERY hard on them.

Merry - posted on 12/10/2011

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I'm not saying my opinion is the best but if I were the mom sending my son tobe with his dad fora day I'd be expecting him to be WITHthe dad the majority of the day. Sure I'd want him being with the siblings and even the step mom but the intention of visitation is IMO to be with the other parent who doesn't have full custody.
And id be jealous of the other mom and honestly, right or wrong, I'd hope she wasn't the main one he was spending time with.
Is that better explained? I'm not saying its right to think this way but it's just my inclination.

Maree - posted on 12/10/2011

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You see,this is why i have such a problem.
I get that some mums believe that what THEY say is always correct such as homework etc but why exactly would a primary school age child have a MOUNTAIN of homework anyway? why can't it mostly be done during the week?
If the child is of high school age then i suppose they are likely to make their own decisions as far as visiting with their dad or not. My SS is 9 so only in year 4.

The sport thing,well the child says he would rather come over to be with us but i guess he could be saying it to keep us happy. His mum has moved in with her girlfriend and her 2 kids,now the sport is not so important to her anymore. She constantly fails to take him and also says she is too busy with work !!!! Why is HER work or social things more important than ours????

It is because she is a nasty bitch who made a whole lot of excuses why the boy can't come and they were all out of selfishness which has now been proven since she decided to get a life and a job....she knows now that his saturday sport (which he really doesn't care about)is not so important anymore.

As for him spending the whole weekend with me...that simply doesn't happen. I didn't elaborate too much on that but what happens is that my husband works on our house at least part of the weekend...every weekend.He has to as he works all week and there is no other time to do it.

He is a carpenter and is in the middle of extending our house(by himself). Our house wasn't big enough to accommodate our growing family(which includes his son) so he put on a second story so both our sons could have their own area(lounge room,store room,bathroom and bedrooms) He simply can't get it done if he has to drive 1 hour to get him on friday,1 hour home,the 1 hour to the sport on sat mornings then watch the game,drive an hour back then take him home sunday,drive back....as you can see,that is A LOT of driving in one weekend.

He could spend half the weekend in the car,running round to a sport the kid doesn't care about or he could get his work done and then spend the rest of the weekend doing something we all want to do together...and that does include bonding with his sister and our family. If the bio mum wants to piss off the woman looking after her kid then she's going the right way about it,it is very unnecessary though. If it continues i simply will not want to do the things i do for him...why would i when she is turning him into a ungrateful person just like herself.

I am so over mums deciding if and when the kids will visit...court order or not!!!
As you said Jodi,you wouldn't allow it if they had lots of homework...i guess you don't really care whether or not you are breaking the court order(if you have one). You know there is nothing he can do to stop you because it would cost a fortune, for your ex husband to lose anyway and whats the point?????.

Mums are NOT always right,their decisions are NOT always right. Pity the court system doesn't force them to do the right thing. They do what they want because they CAN !!!!!!!!!
I also hope people who do this (make ALL the decisions as if they are the better parent or have all the rights)one day have the child hate them for taking their father away from them for dumb reasons such as homework,sport or just because they are bitches. I don't think anything in the world is more important in a childs life than their parents and they need both of them. Whether the mum likes it or not,she should be CO-PARENTING not single parenting. Just cause they got divorced,does not give her the right to call the shots whether she agrees or not. Dad should have his pathetic amount of parenting time (2 days out of 14) to do as he sees fit with his child. I have no doubt that the reason kids are assholes these days is because they are given way to many choices with what they want to do....the divorce rate is high and kids are full time with their mums so pretty much growing up fatherless....i know you will say its dads fault and he should jump through hoops because mum says so but that is a load of crap !!!!

Too many kids are in trouble and mostly its kids from broken homes...it is not due to bad fathering in my opinion. Its due to the pressure put on dads to be under the thumb forever. They are people too and sometimes simply can't take it anymore.They also have a right to have a new family and if the ex doesn't like it she needs to just shut up and butt out. Tell me,how would YOU like the same treatment if the ex husband had custody????? Singing a different tune then !!!!

Jodi - posted on 12/10/2011

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I should add to my earlier comment that I also wouldn't let my son go to his dad's for a full weekend if he has a mountain of homework to do, because I KNOW he won't get it done there. Call it manipulative, but ultimately, my decision about that is in the best interests of my son. And there isn't a court in the country who would entertain otherwise. But that doesn't mean I think his dad should just give up altogether (although at this point, it does look like he pretty much has, given we haven't heard from him in months).

Jodi - posted on 12/10/2011

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Laura, I actually don't necessarily agree with you on this one 100% either, because there are other people in the home that he should also be bonding with, such as siblings. In our case, my step son also has a step-brother and a half sister, and at other times, his other half sister might be here. So if his dad has to work (which happens - even with the best intentions and a day off rostered, when you run your own business, it is inevitable that it will happen), then yes, he is here with me, but he spends his time with his siblings. Sometimes he goes to work with his dad, sometimes he'd rather stay here.

Merry - posted on 12/10/2011

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I'd assume if your husband only gets a few days a month with his son that he would be off work the whole day.
I wouldn't want to send my son to his dads house and have him spend the whole time withthe new wife.
His time with his dad should be WITH his dad if it were me.

Jodi - posted on 12/10/2011

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OK, Kel, I am going to say that I agree with the mum that dad has to take him to his sports. And at his age, the sport is more likely to be his choice, not hers. My son chooses his own sport, and that's what I enrol him in. When his dad had him, he had to take him. That's what is fair to the child. My step son also plays representative basketball. If he has to go on an interstate trip on our weekend, and we can't take him because my husband is working, well, we just suck it up. It's important to my step son, so we are okay with that. Sure, our family is important too, but so are his social activities.

As they get older, it DOES get more difficult. We see less of my step-son now than we used to. A lot less. Simply because of his various commitments and because he lives 2 1/2 hours away, so the combination gets very difficult. But that is no excuse to give up on him.

Maree - posted on 12/10/2011

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Jodi,we have been let down by the family court so many times that we are at the point of giving up !!!

Everything we do is apparently wrong...

They basically said to us (my husband) that we have to do what the childs mum wants us to do. His dad has to take him to the sport of HER choice on his access weekends even though my husband has to work,if he doesn't then he is not allowed to have the weekend at all.

The magistrate pretty much told him that my family which is now OUR family is not as important as the boy playing basketball on a saturday morning and that it is fine that he never bonds with us or attends family functions because we are unimportant. My husband totally disagrees and so do i...

Soooooo....we agreed with what bio mum asked for which is just one night every second weekend,he goes to bball and she takes him. We basically get 24hrs every second weekend and my husband doesn't really know his own kid anymore because 1..he doesn't see him much and 2..he doesn't dare discipline him out of fear.

I know we could go back to court but if he couldn't get reasonable access before,why would this time be any different??
It's too expensive and we really can't keep spending the money on this. She will do it forever and no one cares.

I totally understand why dads give up sometimes,i will never judge them as i've seen first hand what disgusting bitches women really can be. Women who do this should be ashamed of themselves and i hope that Kharma comes back to bite them for what they have done.

Unfortunately we will just have to take the few hours here and there that we have the child for and just get over it !!!

He will lose his dad and we will move on without him,he won't be attending parties or having any involvement with the family or his baby sister because that's what jealous selfish bio mum wants(apparently his half sister isn't family either)....we will not allow the rest of the family to suffer because of her. Yes i know his child was born before our daughter but it doesn't make him more important...and i have a son also who needs too be considered...the only way i see our relationship lasting and our other 2 kids growing up happy is if we quit the fight for his child and just see him occasionally as she wants us to.

Merry - posted on 12/10/2011

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My family is blended. Well, MY family, not my kids family. My mom died when I was 15 and my dad remarried a few months later. It's caused a lot of problems and they did it'll wrong. No one is happy.
My husbands family is intact and they're not too great either. Better then mine but they have some issues.
But as for my kids they're in an intact family. My husband and I married as teenagers and we have no previous relationships so our kids àre it!
I don't think it is necessarily a bad thing to be blended it's all in how it is done and how the parents all get along. If parents are all on the same page then the kids could benefit from many loving parents but if the parents are all fighting or disagreeing it could be bad for the kids.

Jodi - posted on 12/07/2011

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Kel, what she is doing is against the law. You don't need a lawyer to file a contravention!

Maree - posted on 12/07/2011

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Yeah i know that,but whether he came first or not,there is another child now who is suffering as well....everyone is suffering and the fighting is bad for everyone,his son included. He thinks maybe the boy would be better off if he backed off if that is the only way to end some of the problems.Spending our lives fighting her in court is good for no one and we are feeling like we are out of options especially when it seems the ex is making it her focus to remove my husband ...or me,not sure which...from his life.

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Ditto Jodi. What kind of message will it send the boy if dad stops seeing him? I couldn't respect a man not willing to put his kids first... and that boy is HIS kid and was here first. It's not the child's fault that his mom is a pain in the butt. :(

Maree - posted on 12/06/2011

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My husband says if this continues he will stop seeing his son completely because he will not allow his life to be consumed by him and let it affect our family,my son and our daughter.

It's sad but i think he is right and it may be necessary. I don't think she will ever just leave us alone and i think she wants me to leave him so she can be in control again. What she doesn't yet realize it that he is not willing to make his son the be all and end all so if she keeps pushing it he will back out of his sons life and focus completely on his new family. His son will lose his dad and one day she will realize that she did the wrong thing and hopefully regret what she has done...might be too late then though

Maree - posted on 12/06/2011

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He was badly let down by the family court. He doesn't have a lot of visitation and she knows we are unwilling to take it back to court and fight her again...it cost so much to get nowhere and a lot of stress on our relationship and our family. I am in Australia. I thought the family court would be a place of fairness but it seems i thought wrong.

Jodi - posted on 12/06/2011

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Where do you live Kel? If I did that to my ex, I would be charges with contempt of court, and my ex would be within his rights to come to my house and collect his child for his visitation. That just sucks. Poor kid. Parents who use children as pawns should be shot.

Maree - posted on 12/06/2011

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He is 10. My husband would love to chat with him about this and other things but every time he does,she stops him from visiting us then tells him his dad doesn't want to see him or sends him to child psychologists..she has done that so many times and i think it could be the cause of at least some of his problems. By sending him to doctors constantly,she is pretty much telling him that he has problems and NEEDS a doctor when what he really needs is 2 parents to be able to talk to him,be able to discipline him and to be able to get along with each other .

Jodi - posted on 12/06/2011

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Ok, thanks for clarifying. I can understand your frustration, but I'd be likely to talk to the kid about it. How old is he.

On your question, I have a blended family. My husband has 2 children (they are now 19 and 12), I have one (14) and then we have our 6 year old together. It can be a real juggle, but the only ex we have and real problems with is mine. He's a total flake, unfortunately. I often wish he would be more involved in his son's life, but that's never going to happen. In some ways, some of the problems I have with my son (mostly just the lack of care factor about his school) would probably resolve if his dad showed some level of interest, but the only thing his dad shows any interest in is his sport, and even then, not to the extent where he will actually go an watch him. It's just something I am having to find other ways of dealing with.

It's taken us a long time, however, to be able to find the balance with the diversity of our family. The early days were a struggle. But we seem to have found our groove these days, and it works well for us.

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